Eighteen
by landdownunder
Summary: Bella tells dreamy tales of her memories...yet even she may be missing a part of her own story. A twisting of the Twilight narrative.
1. Preface

Preface

When I was eighteen, I died.

I was on the side of the highway at dusk after a cool, grey day in Forks. The young man, who had stopped under the premise of helping me, wasn't really there to help me at all.

My best friend was there with me when I passed. I knew because I could see.

They had their arms wrapped around my body, still warm from when life inhabited it. They were listening for my heart and squeezing me, as if it might put me back together. But the walls of my lungs were not expanding and deflating of their own volition anymore.

The traumatised look on my best friend's face should have torn my heart apart along the invisible seams of its chambers, making it disintegrate with the force of the next contraction. If it had still been beating.

It wasn't.

I was bleeding. I was broken.

And all I could do was stare.


	2. Fairy Tales

**Fairy Tales**

_I may never ever find an answer_

…_oh my heart I want you to be strong,_

_I need you to be all I believe in_

-x-x-x-

When I was five, my mom would read me stories and fairy tales out of pretty picture books.

Even as a young girl I was enraptured with fictional characters and absorbed by prose.

"Mama, read me the bunny," I would say.

She would pick its hard-covered spine out from the pile growing on the floor next to my bed.

Taking me under her arm and snuggling in amongst the layered bunches of my icy blue duvet, she would whisper sweetly to me…

_"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?" _

_"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real." _

_"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit. _

_"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt." _

_"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?" _

_"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."_

"…Another one, Mama, the one with Belle," I would plead, dozily.

"Just one more, Bella button," she would reply.

She would read to me tales of castles and princes, bears and honey, wolf suits and wild things. She would tell me the tale of a beauty, meeting a beast and falling in love.

"Wasn't the beauty scared of the beast, mama?" I asked.

"No button, it's like with the bunny. Love doesn't mind if your fur is worn, or if some of your parts don't work, or if you are some form of a beast. Love can climb over the top of all of these things and get deep inside you. Love is in your soul."

She used words I didn't really understand at the time but I knew, like the words on the pages of the stories she told me, that they were beautiful and strong.

"One day, you will meet a boy and you will know by looking into his eyes if love is lying in his soul," she finished.

"Will it be like with the beast?"

"I don't know that, Bella."

Papa would be lounging on the plump moss green couch cushions to watch the game on television downstairs. But he would always climb the stairs and peek his moustached face around the corner of the doorway.

"There's my little fairy, going off to dreamland."

"Dreaming about bunnies and beauties and beasts tonight," my mom would add.

Then he would wander over, bend down and tickle my forehead with his fuzzy upper lip as he kissed me goodnight.

"Don't worry, my beauty," he would say.

"Dad is here to protect you from any beasts who you don't want in your dreams."

-x-x-x-

**A/N** The story Renee reads is The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams. My big sis used to read it to me when I was little. I think it is a gorgeous wee metaphor for the ways of love.

I don't own Twilight (or Beauty and the Beast). If I did, I wouldn't be here, I'd be in Vancouver watching the leg-hitch scene be filmed for Eclipse. Yum.

Song: 'All I Believe In' by The Magic Numbers from the bonus track version of the New Moon Soundtrack.


	3. When You're Gone

**A/N:** I want to say a big thank you to elusivetwilight and snshyne who helped get me started, and are my first readers/reviewers.

Song: 'Burn' By Ray LaMontagne

-x-x-x-

**When You're Gone**

"_Oh mama, don't walk away…"_

-x-x-x-

When I was eight, my Mom left.

My tummy hurt when she sat me on the edge of my bed to tell me. This was where we were supposed to read our stories and have sweet dreams. Not today. Today it just hurt and I stared ahead at the doors of the closet.

She said she was moving away for a bit and that I would stay here with dad. Although they tried to hide it, she argued with Dad sometimes when they thought that I couldn't hear. My friend, Angela, said that sometimes her parents would fight too and that it was just like when the boys at school got cross with each other on the playground. Even if they said nasty things to each other they always forgot and ended up playing with each other again later anyway.

Mom's face looked sore. Dad's looked sorer. He couldn't stay in the room when she talked to me.

She didn't want to live in the rain anymore. She said she was trying to find her sun.

"Aren't I sunny enough?" was all I could think to sob.

I didn't understand. All I knew of love was in story books. Love didn't come to an end. The love I knew ended with the words "happily ever after". Once upon a time, we all lived happily ever after.

"Do you still love Dad?"

"Yes, of course I do button. And you will _always _be my sunshine."

This made the tears topple over and flow down my flushed cheeks even more steadily.

"Well why would you leave then?" I managed to blurt out.

"Sometimes love means we make confusing decisions. Sometimes we just get confused by our lives and what is best. So we need to try and work out what it is that is wrong or missing."

She sounded lost and like she wasn't even sure of the reason herself. Really, there was no way she could explain her decision in a way that I would ever understand. At least not at this point. What she said and what I saw and what I knew of love were all irreconcilable with her decision.

I was so bewildered by what was suddenly going on around me I couldn't tell what I wanted. I was tearing down my middle with thoughts of staying, or wanting to be going too. My mom, while somewhat alternative and whimsical, was my nurturer. She kissed my ills goodbye, held my hand when I was nervous and listened to my playground stories. Dad was capable of filling these roles in my life too – and he often did. But I was eight and it wasn't mom. I also felt worry hiding deep inside about what she would miss. About what I would miss. How would she know me? How would she know who I was inside when she wasn't here everyday.

Still, as much as it pained me, mom was _leaving_ my dad. I would still have her in some way, but I sensed that this meant more than that for him. I couldn't bear the thought of him alone in this house, in this gray town, with neither of his girls. Even at eight I had the sense to understand that I needed to be as much for him as I could will myself to be. I would be his baby girl and take care of him, all the while wishing my mom had just stayed with us.

My mom was the character in one of my picture books I used to read – the one who went looking for something all over, when actually they already had exactly what they needed to begin with. As I grew older I would realise this was a common thread in many stories.

As I watched my mom drive away from our house that afternoon, a piece of me somewhere inside packed its suitcase and toddled off with her. At that age, I didn't fully grasp the permanence of what she was doing.

You better be home soon, I thought.

-x-x-x-


	4. Where The Wild Things Are

**A/N** I was amazingly lucky to have elusivetwilight fill the (late night) role of beta for this chapter, which makes me giddy because not only is she an absolute honey, but I also fangirl big-time over her writing. Thank you so much doll!

SM created these characters, except for the one Maurice Sendak created. I should be busy creating something else.

So, getting onto Eighteen…

Song: 'Fidelity' By Regina Specktor

-x-x-x-

**Where The Wild Things Are**

_I never loved nobody fully_

_Always one foot on the ground_

_And by protecting my heart truly_

_I got lost in the sounds…_

-x-x-x-

When I was eleven, my best friend was a russet coloured boy named Jacob.

He had golden brown skin, a black mop of thick hair and dark but welcoming eyes. When he put it on full display, Jacob's smile was somewhat cosmic and contagious, helped by the fact that it surrounded a mouth full of teeth so white they were almost blinding.

To me, Jake was the little boy in the wolf suit who liked to play where the wild things were in the woods. Except that he wasn't as naughty. He had a vivid imagination and the benefit of a vast canvas in which to explore it, within the property of the Res where he lived. He would run about, climb over and under anything he could, and tell dramatic tales of imaginary creatures, imaginary adventures, or his own take of his real life escapades. One of his favourite stories to tell me was one of packs of wolves protecting the Quileute lands, centred, of course, on him and his Siberian Husky named Taha Aki. The story was made all the more convincing by Jacob tossing an ancient fur of his dad's over himself, and by the fact that Taha really did look like a more beautiful version of a wolf. Especially his eyes; Taha's eyes, whilst loyal and loving, often made me nervous, because I got the sense they knew much more than we did.

Most of all Jake loved to build and fix things. His dad Billy had a rickety make-shift garage on the property sixty odd yards from their small red house. He was so at home in that little shed. Billy didn't seem to mind him tinkering about with most of the tools and even let him pull apart and attempt to put back together a few appliances and a big lawnmower which didn't work anymore. Jake told me that one day, when he was old enough, he wanted to fix up cars. He had his eye on his elder sister Rebecca's Volkswagen Rabbit, and thought that Billy's old Chevy would need a fair bit of help by then too.

On days that we were left together when Jacob was having a 'shed day', I would nestle myself against a wall or, on a fine day, outside in the grass and read books, scribble pictures or make daisy chains. Sometimes I would just lay and watch him and he would tell me his usual stories, or share a lesson in why he needed to take the screws out of the lawnmower case. Sometimes he would pretend I was his assistant and he'd get me to tinker away with him.

I really liked Jacob Black. He was my first really true friend, my best friend.

We had been spending time together since about four months after Renee left. Charlie and Jake's dad Billy were fishing buddies. I would play at Jake's house at La Push where Charlie felt I would be safe, while he got in some fishing at a local spot or out in a boat with some of the keen local men. There were always plenty of people around at La Push looking out for each other and us two kids, whether it be Jake's elder twin sisters, one of the older local boys like Sam Uley and his friends, or Sue Clearwater.

The best thing about Jacob and my days at La Push were the softening effect they had on time. Time had seemed to hit a lull after my mom moved to Phoenix. When she left, I didn't think she would move quite so far away - she hadn't been kidding when she said she wanted to find her sun. Where time is usually insignificant when you are a kid, I noticed it more. I spent a long time after she left clock-watching for her phone call to ring out through the house or hoping for the arrival of a package from her. Gradually, this would pass somewhat. Eventually things settled and she would come up to spend Christmas or my school breaks with me.

Despite getting to see her, the void she left and the gap I then needed to fill in our home was influential on the girl I was becoming. I saw my parents in a different light. They lost the shine of invincible light that a mom or dad had when looked at through the eyes of a five, six, seven or even eight year old. Even at eleven I was becoming more of a young adult. At least more of a young adult than I should have been. I started learning how to cook, with or without Charlie's help, and slowly but surely I was more independent and self sufficient than the other children my age. I didn't resent them for it. I didn't know any better, and really it came naturally with just Charlie and I. I think that by eleven Dad and Mom had become Charlie and Renee in my head.

Sometimes I would find days without Renee around tough. One evening I got dropped home by my friend Angela's mother. Watching kids from school with their moms' was usually what triggered my sad moments. When she pulled away from the kerb, the tell-tale signs of tears were brewing behind my eyes. I didn't want to go inside and have Charlie worry too much. So I wandered over to the path that led into the woods by my house, letting myself puddle down into the mossy ground. I just sat there and sobbed for a little bit, letting out some of the ache. The large crack of a branch nearby broke me out of my reverie, giving me a chill from the base of my spine up into my neck. At that, I got a little spooked and willed myself to get in out of the cold and dulling light. I entered through the front door of my house as quietly as I could, not having managed to completely cease the tears trickling down my pale face. I hadn't noticed the old red truck of Billy's out on the road, but I caught a glimpse of him on the couch as I passed the living room. My eyes caught Jacob's as I stumbled on the hall rug, foregoing much more than a mumbled "hello" and heading straight for the stairs.

Seeking solace in my room, I curled myself into the rocking chair in the corner where my mom used to rock me to sleep if I couldn't settle at night. I hadn't been there long when Jacob's baby face snuck around my door, took one look in my direction and then headed to my bed. He brought over the quilt that Renee had left folded for me on the end of my duvet before she left. Tucking it over me, he sat down on the floor next to the chair, reached up and took my hand rested on the chair's arm. We just sat there.

In moments of weakness on my part – where I was flailing in water that was just that bit too deep to be able to stand up and breathe without choking in mouthfuls – well, in those moments, Jacob was the rock upon which I stood to get my head above the chilly waves enough that I could be a little better off. I don't know how a young boy had the instincts to do that.

My mom should have stayed and met Jacob. Jacob could have been her sunshine too. He was mine.

Part of his empathetic nature probably came from his own experience of loss. Whilst my mom had moved away, Jacob didn't have a mom in the 'real' sense anymore. Sarah Black had died when he was very young in a car accident. He didn't talk about it at all, but I felt that he must have wondered what part of him was missing, even though his dad was doing such a good job in filling it. I think this only made Jacob all the more endearing. He carried his happiness with him like an aura, exuding his gravitational pull and giving off no sense that he felt any particular loss or weakness. Yet there were a lot of layers to Jacob which also meant that these sensitive elements transferred into a rabidly fierce loyalty. If someone crossed him, his family, or his friends, then the game was on for Jake. Although, he was still like any other young boy, which meant his caring and passion could get tossed around in circles amongst the tendency to act on a heated whim and think about it afterwards.

One afternoon we were mucking around about the woods framing his property. Jacob was trying to scare me with his stories of the wild things that lurked hidden around us again. This time it was vampires of all things, who chased all the deer and mountain lions on the Olympic Peninsula. I tried to tune him out a little when his imagination carried on from that point. As we jumped between the patches of light filtering through the trees above, I tripped and stumbled towards the rough ground. I was somewhat fumble-footed and Jake, having come to anticipate my little falls, managed to lessen the impact by grabbing me slightly.

"Gees, Bells, you spend more time with your bum on the ground than your feet!"

"Lucky I've got my personal cotton wool boy to help soften my landing," I quipped back.

He moved his hand to mine to help me up, giving me a tug and steadying me once I was back on two feet. I was always impressed that he didn't just tease me and act awkward around a girl, like all the other boys I knew at school. But that was just Jake's nature, as well as the nature of our solid friendship.

"Are you okay?" he queried.

"Yeah fine, thanks Jake, just a bit dirty."

He was looking at me with a contemplative, curious look I hadn't seen in his eyes before. Suddenly he moved his face closer to me and planted his lips on mine. His kiss was tender and squishy, if not a little inexperienced.

"You taste like strawberry chapstick," he grinned, when he removed his face a few inches.

"Jake I think all girls taste like strawberry chapstick. But don't do that again. It's weird."

The two of us were pretty no fuss at that age, so I wiped my lips just faintly, brushed off a bit of the ground remnants and wandered off to the garage.

-x-x-x-

The oddest part of my life over this time was this strange sense I had. It actually permeated into what I called, for lack of a better alternative, my 'imaginary friend'. I knew I was too old for such things, so I kept it very quiet. The afternoon I had been crying on the path by the woods I had had a funny feeling. After that day, it didn't really go away. In my head, 'IF' was very complicated. I often felt like I might be being watched, or that something was looking out for me other than Charlie or Jacob. But this also developed into 'him' forming a bit of a persona in my head. It was like he talked to me in my dreams to create who 'he' was. As much as I had tried, I just couldn't shake him, so I had resigned just to let him be. I never felt threatened by the presence I sensed, so it became part of my everyday life that I was basically ignorant to after a while. I felt it strongest around my house and before and after school. It wasn't really ever there when I was at Jake's house, except for some of the times we played in the shadows at the beginning of the trees.

After at least a year, my imaginary friend left me and didn't come back. Five weeks later, I would leave too.

-x-x-x-


	5. I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking 4

**a/n** If anyone was waiting for this, I'm sorry it was a bit slower – RL was being demanding. Thank you elusivetwilight. The Rain Season: Kiltward: do it people.

Other people own the references to things in here that are not originally mine.

Song = Snow Patrol featuring Martha Wainwright 'Set the fire to the third bar'…

I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

_I find the map and draw a straight line  
Over rivers, farms, and state lines  
The distance from 'A' to where you'd be  
It's only finger-lengths that I see  
I touch the place where I'd find your face  
My finger in creases of distant dark places_

… _I'm miles from where you are  
I lay down on the cold ground  
I, I pray that something picks me up  
And sets me down in your warm arms_

_***_

When I was thirteen I moved to Phoenix to live with Renee.

I had to tear myself in two once again, just as I had when Renee had left and I'd stayed with Charlie. It felt like my body was comprised of puzzle pieces which altered in size and number for people to play with as they wished. I guess I was really in three pieces this time. Some of me was in La Push with Jacob, another piece was at my home with Charlie, and a shell of me went to Phoenix, Arizona. I wanted to know when I was going to be able to have all the parts I wanted in my life, whilst still being whole. Why was it that in order to have one thing, I was always giving up another?

Grandma Marie Swan had passed away around the time my IF left me. Renee had come to Forks for the funeral, and she and Charlie had discussed the prospect of me moving. Charlie had been promoted within the Forks Police to the role of Chief, which meant that for the time being his hours were longer and slightly more erratic. He was concerned about me spending too much time alone, or being passed around between the Black's place with Jacob or with Angela Weber's family. It didn't bother me, but I could sense they had come to their own conclusions. Renee was pleased with the idea of having me back full time, and Charlie seemed somewhat resolved, yet distraught to be losing his child, cook and companion. I agreed on the proviso that I could come back at some point – and sooner rather than later if I wasn't happy with my new set up in Phoenix. Renee wasn't the problem of course. It was the new school, new friends, and entirely new environment that freaked me out a little.

It was hard to comprehend the prospect of such a change whilst trying to work through the emotions of Grandma Marie's death. Watching a mother or father lose their parent creates its own unique ache in your heart. I didn't only grieve for my own loss of her, but possibly even more for the idea of what Charlie had lost. Because, if I lost Renee… well, I couldn't bear to even go there in my mind.

I had that slight panic of worrying whether or not Grandma knew everything I would have wanted her to know. Just to be certain, I wrote a letter and put it in her casket with her. She had loved my letters when I was little and I felt that, by doing that, it was off my chest and with her in some way. I told her of my favourite memories – her trying to teach me piano, making custard and cookies, and simply that I loved her. Before the funeral Jake came with me to place the letter. He held my hand as usual, giving me what I needed in the best way he knew how. I was ever thankful he was there when the tears slipped out without my permission as soon as I was standing over her. She looked at peace and lovely as always in her navy blue dress, but she wasn't there. She wasn't there at all. I think that her soul and what made her, her, was long gone.

I had the surreal experience of seeing Grandma Marie again on the night that I died. I seemed to be in some state of limbo, and she couldn't talk to me for some reason, but she did pass me a note. It was written in her beautiful, old fashioned scrawl. On it she said:

_Bella,_

_Hold fast to those who love you,_

_And to those you hold in love,_

_For it will be the strong and reciprocated_

_hold of love that conquers darkness._

_x_

The move happened fairly quickly after the funeral had passed. Three weeks later Renee had come to fly me and my suitcases with her to Phoenix. Charlie and I were fairly stoic in our farewells, neither of us wanting to reveal how hard this really was. I cried for him as soon as I was out of his sight. I unfortunately had to resign myself to a state of denial, and the fact that the only way I could be apart from Charlie was if I never gave thought to him being alone in that house in Forks.

It sounds silly to put it in such a way, but I couldn't believe I was moving away from Jacob. Leaving him, and all that my time at the Res had meant to me. I wasn't sure if my youth would make it easier, as I would be so distracted with the newness of Phoenix, or if I would dramatise my pain at the loss and change, as I knew to be the ways of some of my school friends. I knew that I would see him again and that he wasn't lost to me forever, but it was going to be a while before I could get back to Forks for my holidays. I had seen him nearly every day for the past four or five years, so any amount of time over a couple of days was already way too long.

The day that I left he refused to say goodbye. I swear that with that gesture, my stomach relocated in my body about four inches lower. I could tell in the week leading up to my flight he was torn between seeing me too much and making the change of separation harder, versus not seeing me enough to get a last fix. I myself couldn't tell what I wanted. The dread made me wonder what Jacob and I were really going to be to each other as we progressed through our lives. At my age, the thought of boyfriends still made me a little squirmy – especially the thought of crossing that line with Jacob. Talk about awkward. And I really didn't want to lose him in my life as a friend if things got difficult. I had pushed these thoughts away, as they were fruitless when I was about to be leaving him behind anyway.

As he hugged me one last time, I slipped him a photo of the two of us, which his sister Rachael had taken on the beach at La Push on a rare sunny day in Forks. On the back of it I wrote him a note in my favourite black pen.

_I learnt a lot of tricks to help me live my life  
You helped me find my paradise  
When you came, you were like  
Sunshine through my window  
_

_Always_

_Bella x_

Charlie had worried about me being alone, but the silly thing was, I never had felt alone in Forks. And on the contrary, I had never felt more alone than when I was first in Phoenix. Phoenix was different, to say the least. It was not the world I knew. The warm wind blew with a strange scent. It was dry, sunny, dusty and concrete. Renee's house wasn't surrounded by verdant green in all forms and shades like Charlie's was – be it trees or grass, or the moss that seemed to inhabit itself over everything like a squishy, damp rug. I think that the near constant cover of cloud, fog or mist combined with the encompassing trees and greenery of Forks was what made you feel surrounded, even when there were no people near you. You would think that a place like Forks would irk you, but it was all part of the eerie mystique it held. That and the ever-present nearness of people and places I loved.

High School in Phoenix was immense in comparison to my school in Forks. There were so many more people, and I spent the first six months in a perpetual daze. I managed to make a new group of friends but, as snobby as it sounds, they just didn't compare. They were somewhat false and a little aloof. Consequently, I spent most of my lunch hour texting on the mobile phone Renee had bought for me after I had moped persistently, like a good teenager, about the lack of Jake in my days. I was told by Jane, a very shy and studious looking girl in my English class, that the girls who I sat with in the cafeteria – Jessica Hodges and Mallory Laurence – didn't particularly like me. Jane said she had heard that it was because, following my arrival in town, the boys tended to pay me more attention than they did them. Apparently the 'out-of-towner' had a shiny new appeal that made me both interesting and attractive to the boys. I hoped she didn't think that I was as rude as those two tarts when I told her she was dreaming and to clean both her ears and her glasses.

Despite my somewhat anti-attitude, I did end up with my first boyfriend when I was in Phoenix at fifteen. Tyler had pestered and pestered me for a date for about a year. Then he bought me a bunch of bright red, hot pink and burnt orange gerberas and a block of dark Lindt chocolate on my birthday, and I finally caved at his efforts. I wasn't going to be totally stone-cold just because he barely had even one ray on Jacob. So I let him take me to a movie that weekend and things just sort of dribbled on from there. I don't think Jacob was particularly impressed at my lackadaisical approach. He finally gave me an earful on the phone one night and told me that if I wasn't more on my toes I would end up getting hurt.

Of course, Jacob knew me all to well. I ended up on the phone in tears to him a few months later. It seemed Tyler's persistence also transferred to sex, and he had gotten a bit overzealous with me one evening when we were fooling around in his room. I ended up knocking my head on his bedside table as I clambered out from underneath him. I had barely given my first kiss to Jacob. There was no way I was giving my virginity to Tyler. The desire and heart that I knew I needed for that was nonexistent with Tyler. I knew that when it was right I would feel it with conviction. Being pressured and slobbered on was not my moment. I left his house holding a hand towel from the bathroom on my bleeding temple, desperate to get home and hear Jacob's voice. He told me he was skipping a couple of days of school and coming down to Phoenix straight away. I said he was crazy and it was unnecessary, but he borrowed some cash for a flight from a seemingly supportive Billy and turned up at Renee's house a day and a half later. Renee was pleased for me to have him visit, and I think she put my mood swings that week down to the emotion of having Jacob in Phoenix. I'm not sure how much of me her whimsical nature absorbed. She flitted about with her various hobbies and, whilst I felt loved, I often felt like the adult in the relationship. In the few days in which he stayed, Jake executed his best friend duties as only he could. He bought me ice cream, made me laugh, and tracked down Tyler at a local diner and gave him a shiner on his right eye. I loved Jacob.

Renee had been dating Phil Dwyer when I arrived in Phoenix, and after six months he had moved in with us. He was a good guy and was clearly very fond of Renee. It was strange to see my mother with a man who was not my father. I was surprised at how well I took it actually, although I think it felt okay because Renee was obviously happy with him, so I consequently accepted him more than I may have. Phil played minor league baseball, and got commission for selling sports muscle-ache creams and drinks on the side. To begin with he didn't go away very much for games, so Renee was happy to stay with me at the house while he was gone. But by my last year in Phoenix, Phil needed to be on the road for longer periods of time and the separation was getting harder and harder on Renee. I had been texting Jake back and forwards about the whole situation one night. The next day at school I pulled out my phone at lunchtime and the most obvious minor epiphany was sitting on the screen: _"Come Home."_

I was on the phone to Charlie as soon as I got in from school that afternoon. After his initial concern about the hassles of me changing schools again at this stage, I could hear him grinning under his moustache down the phone line. I wasn't sure if it was because he wouldn't have to eat take-out anymore or if he was just genuinely thrilled at the idea of having me home again. I guess it was probably both. When I gathered the words to bring it up with Renee in the right approach, I could tell she was uncertain about how I would take her acceptance of the idea as a good one. She obviously didn't want me to feel like she wanted to be with Phil more than with me. But I was old enough to know that the nature of our relationship would never really change, whereas maintaining a solid foundation in a romantic relationship from a distance was much more difficult. Forks, Washington was definitely calling me back. Not only through Jake and Charlie, but it was also vibrating within my bones. Everything in me wanted to be back there.

I finished up school in Phoenix at Thanksgiving. As I drove to the airport with Renee and Phil, I could feel that change was in the air. It was whipping in on the warm breeze which was filtering through the open windows of the car. I breathed it in, and it flushed through my lungs and into my bloodstream with a strange want and curiosity that I couldn't identify. Maybe I was on the verge of finding what it was that I had been looking for, for all this time. Yet I was still in the dark as to what exactly that was.


	6. Snow White

**A/N ** Thanks to new beta cereuleanblue for taking me on, and to elusivetwilight for once again *_saving_ my long sentence writing ass*.

Stephenie Meyer owns and I bow down to her for giving us the original material that has given us the orgasmical movie cast who bring the story to life in wonderment.

Song: 'Shine' By Laura Marling

-x-x-x-

**Snow White**

…_I find your face too hard to define,_

_I can't touch you hollow thing,_

_You plagued my mind,_

_I can never go outside._

_I will never go back to being blind._

_I need shine, I need shine,_

_I need shine._

_Step away from my light,_

_I need shine._

-x-x-x-

When I was seventeen point two, I met Alice Cullen.

She was 'my Alice' from the moment I met her. Her beautifully defined pixie face exuded the most alluring, contemplative love. She was delicate and stunning, but capable and strong. What her exterior presented, her characteristics and traits reflected. I got the impression that my Alice was the glue that held everything surrounding her together.

After arriving at Sea-Tac Airport in Seattle the Saturday of Thanksgiving weekend, I took a small plane the rest of the way up to Port Angeles. Charlie picked me up from there to drive the last hour through steady drizzle back to Forks. Renee and Phil had given me a good farewell with a pretty impressive Thanksgiving spread. Luckily for Phil and me, Renee's latest kick had been televised food shows. Usually I was the chef of the household, but the kitchen had been a war zone the past few weeks as she attempted to keep up with Rachel Ray and Martha Stewart. My loving, erratic, harebrained mother was a lot of things, but she was no Martha Stewart. It was a nice way to leave Phoenix though. Renee had insisted that if I wanted to come back I only had to call and she would drop everything. I insisted that I would be fine. At least I hoped that was the case.

When Charlie and I finally got back to the house in Forks, I could tell he was pretty pleased underneath his calm exterior. As he carried my bags up to my bedroom, he explained he had bought me a new purple duvet set. It was a slightly awkward exchange as I thanked him for his efforts. We stood quietly for a minute until he muttered about a phone call he had to make. One of the best things about Charlie: he doesn't hover. I was happy to be home but still felt unsettled about being back in Forks. All I wanted to do for the moment was slump down onto my bed and brood alone. I was to be at school the following week, so it was mid way through semester. Whilst I wasn't new to Forks, I was new to the high school and all the cliques that would have formed since junior high. Consequently, I was slightly anxious about how smoothly things would go for me.

When I saw Jacob that same afternoon, he may as well have been transporting himself on a pogo stick. He was absolutely exuberant when he turned up at Charlie's in Billy's old red Chevy truck. Charlie met me on the porch and said that he'd bought the truck from the Blacks' as a late birthday present. I excitedly flung my arms around Charlie's neck in thanks. It was a pretty awesome gesture on Charlie's part, and the fact that Jacob had fulfilled his boyhood dream by fixing up the engine of the old beast made it all the more special.

Jacob bowled out of the truck and took the path in two bounds, grabbing me as I leapt off the porch steps into his arms. He held me close to his chest and I started to relax again, knowing Jacob was now only a few miles away rather than a thousand. His presence in the Forks rain started to wash away my earlier brooding. Unfortunately, he wouldn't be there with me at school, since he went to the one on the Res at La Push. But I knew I couldn't rely on Jacob for everything, for light, forever. He had placed me back on the ground from his crushing hug just as I reminded myself that I needed to be able to stand on my own two feet.

Jacob and I spent the rest of the weekend catching up on each other's company. On Sunday afternoon, we wandered La Push beach for hours. He had moved from restoring the Chevy engine to fixing up the Volkswagen Rabbit he had bought for cheap off Rebecca when she moved from Forks. I could tell he was really proud that it was nearly done, and he was keen to take me for a ride out to Port Angeles in it as soon as possible. He did a fair amount of the driving and errands for him and Billy, now that Billy was in a wheelchair from the progression of his diabetes. The two of them were a fairly close unit since his sisters were no longer in Forks. Jacob and I made plans to head to Port Angeles after school the following Friday, for my Rabbit test-run and to catch a movie at the cinemas there.

We had been sitting on a huge strip of worn driftwood when the breeze coming off the ocean had whipped up, causing me to shiver against the chill. Jake slipped off his blue parka and helped me into it. Facing me, he took the zipper and pulled it carefully up my chest, then hoisted the long sleeves over my hands. He then took one of my cold hands in his warm palm to lead me back along the beach toward the house. I looked down at our hands where they joined. Mine was pale white while his, in contrast, a beautiful brown. I shifted my gaze up to his face. He was so comfortable in his skin, the corner of his mouth set in a soft upturn. I really had no idea what was going to happen when I settled back in Forks. More importantly, my heart had no idea. Or maybe the problem was that my head and heart were not in cahoots? I hoped like hell that whatever did happen, it didn't involve hurting the heart of my own personal sun shining beside me.

I managed to make my way around school in my first week back by largely keeping to myself. People seemed to be pretty fascinated by the seemingly infamous return of the police chief's daughter. Some expressed this with enthusiasm, and I ended up at a table with a few of these people for lunch. Eric Yorkie and Mike Newton didn't seem to have any concept of personal space when it came to the new girl. They were sweet, I guess, but at the time I wasn't sure how pleased I was with my childhood friend Angela for letting them loose on me. It was bizarre for me to feel like a tug toy between two puppies vying for attention. Mike got a buzz out of calling me 'Arizona', which was actually almost cute, and Eric was desperate to fill my iPod for me and run a story about me for the school paper. That idea was vetoed in a hurry.

Jessica Stanley was an interesting sort. She carried herself along a fine line between amusing sarcastic humour, and just being plain bitchy. She was initially perplexed by the fact I wasn't tan, in fact quite far from it, despite coming from Phoenix. I told them my mother was part albino. Jessica had pulled her perplexed 'uh, whatever' face. Angela was a contrast to Jessica, and she hadn't changed much over the years. She was still kind and unassuming, which I liked. It made her comparatively easy to be around, with very little expectation or effort.

Technologically challenged Renee had managed to master the email and therefore plagued me that first week, before she and Phil were to head off on the road with his baseball team. My inbox was full of messages like "What's wrong? Why haven't you emailed yet? I sent you one twenty-five minutes ago and you haven't replied", and "Do I need to call Charlie?" I guess I was pleased to know that my absence had such an effect on her, but I was sure her emotions would gradually settle down, especially when she was busy seeing the country with Phil. Or perhaps not. This was Renee after all. I tapped out a brief reply to her Monday, and finally eased her concern with an update on Friday, before Jake beeped in the driveway to head to Port Angeles.

Looking back, despite the ache I felt for Forks, I was pleased I had been with Renee in Phoenix for those few years. I was living with Charlie at times when he was best for me, and then had the benefit of Renee, probably during the most awkward teenage years. Despite my mom leaving us when I was little, it had worked out alright I guess. The eight year old in me still didn't really understand it all, but she hadn't missed too much as I had once feared she would.

-x-x-x-

I met Alice Cullen in the crazy, damp car park of Forks High School, my second week back. Her approach that morning as I got out of my noisy, conspicuous truck would set the foundation for the easy and forward nature of our relationship – forward on her behalf at least. Her short, dark, fluffy hair and rosy glossed lips were right in my face when she burst out her greeting.

"Hi, I'm Alice," she cheered. "We're going to be great friends."

All I could do was stand and gape as she reached around me with both arms to give me a surprising squeeze.

"Oo, you do smell good," she mused with a fascinated look on her face. I was utterly confused by her familiarity with me. "Oh well," she continued, linking her left arm into the crook of my right, "let's go then." As if that was it. No explanations needed.

With that, I was dragged off next to her graceful lope to first period English with, apparently, my new bestie. For that week Alice left her usual spot and sat with me in the cafeteria at Angela's table. I discovered why she was so tiny – she didn't eat, she talked. The others looked stunned when she first arrived next to me. Apparently, Dr Cullen's family had a bit of a reputation around Forks. I got the impression it was small town envy with a dash of small-mindedness. Jessica gave me a partial run down enthusiastically in Spanish.

"They're all _together. _And they _live _together. Dr Cullen and his wife are really young, and the kids are all adopted. Rosalie and Jasper Hale are twins – the abnormally beautiful blondes you would have seen Alice with? They tend to just be known as 'the Cullens' though. It's weird. They're weird…"

I was pleased when class started, cutting Jessica off early in her gossipy rant. It really was a rant – that girl's mouth moved at a hundred miles an hour when she got on a roll. In spite of Jessica's words, I had already been quite taken by Alice, and I wanted to form my own opinions about her and her supposedly abnormal family.

Over the following month, we would often go down to Port Angeles together in Alice's fancy yellow Porsche, to the shops, movies or just to wander around the waterfront. I wasn't a natural at shopping, but Alice seemed to be. She would find me the perfect bits to fit my personality yet still appease her sense of style. In particular, I remember her finding me a top in the most beautiful iridescent blue.

I was wearing it now, standing looking at the mess on the highway next to my abandoned truck. However, the once brilliant blue was now tarnished with a sticky red coating of my blood.

I felt my face smile, remembering my part. I would take her to the old book store, which was laden with the most wonderful collection piled roof high on rickety shelves. I would find stories I thought she would love and then I would eat, and she would talk and giggle.

I found myself constantly surprised that such a person could exist. I couldn't believe my luck in our bonding; if you were to create the ideal best girlfriend on a computer program, then Alice's face would appear on the screen. It sounded horribly cheesy, but I didn't think the totality of Alice Cullen was something someone could even create in their dreams. I suppose that Alice was similar to how the female version of Jacob would be. Their little intricacies were different, but they were both human vitamin D. Pure sunshine reincarnated. Except that tiny Alice always seemed cold to the touch, whereas Jacob was both warm in nature and temperature. I sucked up all their warm fuzzies internally, absorbing them into my twisty insides like a lifeline as I settled back into Forks.

Alice said early on that my friendship made her so giddy, that being around me made her breathe funny. This didn't surprise me, as I was sure that in her regular bouts of excitement she seemed to forget to breathe anyway. Alice reminded me of that old Elton John song, 'Tiny Dancer'. I told her so one morning when she had been hugging me again in the school car park. As I squeezed her back, my head sang "_hold me closer tiny dancer, count the headlights on the highway"._

…Highway. Ugh. That part of the lyrics didn't sit so well in my stomach anymore.

…"I think I may have done ballet when I was a little girl, actually," she responded, slightly glazed. She made the most bizarre statements and connections with things sometimes. This was yet another one that I thought was fairly odd – I mean, wouldn't she know for certain? But the curious moment passed as she snapped back to the present and began buzzing to me about something new that had her going that morning.

I guess Alice did have a fairly unconventional family. Even if not conventional, it still seemed so functional, and I loved it. Her parents for all intents and purposes, Carlisle and Esme, were such gentle souls. They made me feel so welcome when I went over to their home to hang out with Alice. Not to mention that the adoptive gene pool was clearly vicariously strong, as the inhuman beauty ran right through the family. I visited their incredible house only a couple of times in this beginning period of our friendship, and on those occasions her siblings were either not around or largely left us be. Alice had taken me to sit with them in the cafeteria a couple of times after that first week when she sat with me. But I felt a little more comfortable with Angela's group, so I ended up back with them, and Alice would leave me for that time to sit with her family.

There was something about her sister Rosalie which made me feel unworthy, like I had done wrong by her. I didn't think that it was just the fact that she looked like a freaking supermodel that made me feel inferior. I couldn't put my finger on what the vibe she was sending me was trying to say. The siblings were such a tight-knit unit, despite having such a diverse mix of natures. I guessed amongst the seemingly conflicting personality traits, it was being a Cullen that was the common thread coursing throughout them and weaving them together. The force of this made it hard to feel like you fitted anywhere remotely near them.

Other than Alice, it was probably Emmett, the eldest brother, who made me feel the most welcome and had me in giggles whenever I was around him. It felt like Emmett almost wanted to play games with me as though I was a fun new toy, but in a 'little sister' kind of way. He would have been slightly disconcerting had it not been for me seeing within him to the soulful character who was the understudy to Emmett's goofy alter ego.

Alice's boyfriend was Jasper Hale. Jasper was divine. He was a curly haired southern guy who called you darlin'. He had a way of appreciating the feelings of those around him more than anyone I had ever known. Not to mention he _looked _divine too: with his quirky dimples and absorbing eyes. He _cared _about people, but in a way that was neither pretentious nor creepy. He also had a wit about him that was particularly present and charming when around his family. The best thing about him was that all these little characteristics made him perfect for my favorite girl. Jasper and Alice would be together for life. That fact emanated from both of them with utter truth.

Alice also had a brother, Edward Cullen.

-x-x-x-


	7. Beside You

**A/N**Thank you unleishd for rec'ing Eighteen on RAoR! Hello to anyone who is now reading thanks to her awesomesauceness.

I love – like with real warm fuzzies – elusivetwilight and cereuleanblue for their patience and time. Thank you beautiful ladies.

Song: 'Fall at Your Feet' By Crowded House.

-x-x-x-

**Beside You**

_You're hiding from me now  
There's something in the way that you're talking  
The words don't sound right  
But I hear them all moving inside you, go  
I'll be waiting when you call_

_The finger of blame has turned upon itself  
And I'm more than willing to offer myself  
Do you want my presence or need my help  
Who knows where that might lead  
I fall_

-x-x-x-

When I was seventeen point three, Edward Cullen finally spoke to me.

I sat beside Edward in Biology class from my first day at Forks High. It had been the only empty seat left in the classroom. I can't say I was sorry for that fact initially: from the brief glimpses I stole through the cover of loose curls framing my face, this boy was no wallflower in the way of looks. But his response further encouraged me to stick to myself that week. He didn't say a thing. He didn't even say hi to me. In fact he looked awkwardly uncomfortable for most of the class. By Friday, I had decided he was an asshole. He skipped Biology twice that week, but I knew he was in school because I had passed him in the hallway on both days.

Jacob asked me how things were going at school when we took our test-drive trip to Port Angeles in the Rabbit on Friday. I tried to mask my discomfort, but it was to no avail since Jake could read me like a book.

"What's the problem Bella? If anyone is giving you grief then the guys and I will be onto them in a second," he grumbled at me.

"It's nothing Jake – just the usual first week blending-in issues. I love that you care but you can't just give every person who does wrong by me a black eye."

"Who, me?" he cooed innocently. "I wouldn't just hastily give a guy a shiner…"

"Uh, Jake, Phoenix? Tyler?" I reminded him.

"He deserved it Bella – that shithead crossed the line."

"Don't cuss Jake. It doesn't suit you. My point is I need to fight my own battles sometimes," I sighed despondently.

"If you say so, Bells. But I could always just let down their tyres or remove a part from their car engine?"

"I'm good Jake, it's really only one guy who's been totally weird. I think I can handle him. I don't want his face mangled…..yet…" That beautiful, beautiful face. Edward was so perplexing – the contrasts between his appearance and his actions had my head bouncing around. Although that may have just been the after effect of Jake's driving. Edward's face filled my vision as I stared out along the road ahead of us. I wondered if Jacob's knuckles would come off second best if they met with the architecture of Edward's incomparable jaw line.

The following Monday was the one in which I met Alice, and she sat with me and Angela in the cafeteria. Edward Cullen was in class that day. He looked like he was trying to say something, but instead just opened and closed his mouth like the sentence required regurgitating to get out. He gave up and was silent once again. He left in a huff when the bell rang at the end of the period, and disappeared for the next two days. I was starting to think Jessica may have been right about the Cullens being weird – at least when it came to Edward.

When I went with Alice to Port Angeles on Wednesday after school, it took me until the trip back home to gather up the courage to bring up Edward. I was fiddling with the suede on the edge of the Porsche seat when I sputtered out my inquiry.

"I think I sit next to your brother in Bio. He hasn't been in class much…"

"Oh, Edward? Um, yeah Edward has been a bit sick lately. Home in bed and all that. I told him he's got to stop staying out so late in these cold Forks nights but he's so stubborn. He kind of keeps to himself and does what he pleases, so, Bella, are you going to wear your new blue shirt tomorrow?"

She babbled her own question in mid-sentence, effectively ending any further discussion about Edward. Maybe his supposed illness explained his behaviour. Really, the deliberation should have been about why I even cared. I was friends with his sister, and that should have been the extent of any concern on my behalf.

But when I walked into class the following day and saw him sitting at our bench, a very distinct shiver of anticipation ran right through the length of my spine. I had no idea what to expect. I sighed as I sat down, resolving myself to ignore his attitude as I really didn't need any more of him messing with my mind. I couldn't for the life of me work out what his deal was. Here I was with his sister seeming like she had known me her whole life, and in stark contrast, Edward who had spent my first week and half in Forks acting like he was really hacked off that I was there. Yet, some of the time, he looked like he was keen to try and know me, or talk to me, or just…I don't know.

Clasping my hands in front of me, I couldn't resist and glanced at him out of the corner of my eye. I gave a startled blink and quickly flicked my vision back to the blackboard. He was looking at me. Like, _really_ looking at me. And it was at that moment his lyrical voice filled the space between us.

"Hello. My name is Edward Cullen. I'm sorry I didn't introduce myself properly before now. You are Bella Swan."

My head shot back to face him and my brow furrowed a little as I paused in shock, stammering out a reply.

"Uh, yeah. I mean, obviously…I mean, you're Alice's brother, so, ah…yeah, B-Bella."

It took me the most effort to actually get my own name off my tongue. It seemed he had taken its form from me when it had been uttered by his lips. He made it belong to something else, something more beautiful. The soft way he said "Bella" melted my insides. What was wrong with me? Yesterday his confusing ways were driving me crazy, and now today I was putty, losing my previous more solid form with every syllable uttered by his lips and every glance from his eyes.

He sort of snickered a little and I could have sworn there was a flash of a tiny smirk, almost too quick to notice. "Well, Bella, yes I am Alice's brother, and you're the police chief's daughter who's back from Phoenix."

After he got out his initial slightly awkward introduction, he had this air of cool smoothness about him in the way he delivered his sentences. Some of his gestures indicated that he still held some unease with our interaction, but in general his presence simply absorbed me, leaving me unable to remember anything at fault with his ways. My brain couldn't register his complexity; it was all blurred by the freaking unnatural Adonis next to me. This was more like the Edward Cullen I was expecting when I had first laid eyes on him.

"For someone who's never spoken to me, you're very sure of who the both of us are, aren't you?" I muttered.

He mumbled his response a little as Mr Banner started the lesson. I thought he said "better than you could imagine".

When I got home and walked into my room that afternoon, I dumped my bag on the floor and collapsed into a starfish on my bed. For once, Edward and I had parted ways civilly when the bell rang, ending Bio. There were soft smiles and 'see you laters', but the best bit was when he brushed past me to leave. He smelled delicious. I discovered that the biggest problem surrounding my Edward Cullen issues was not that he had an unexplainable attitude for nearly two weeks. It was that he was the most ridiculously beautiful boy I had ever seen. This would have been manageable if it ended there, shallowly. But I felt as if in our fleeting interactions, his entire being had permeated my every surface, every pore, and just the idea of him was now running my body's functions.

Edward and Jasper joined Alice and I on one of our trips to Port Angeles the weekend after that glorious day in Bio. He had watched me curiously and then shut himself in his room on Friday while I was at their house with Alice. However when Alice had propositioned him with this outing, something had changed that made him say yes. I guess it was simply because there were a couple of weeks until Christmas, and Edward needed to get some shopping done like the rest of us. I was interested to see him in a different environment, but I didn't learn much more than I already knew. Alice had a fairly unmatchable buzz going on that afternoon and her vibrancy was hard to compete with. My ears and swinging hand were with Alice, but my eyes were largely with Edward, especially when he was wandering a few steps ahead of Alice and I with Jasper. I was only human, and he had a really nice pair of expensive looking jeans on. The swirls of stitching on the seat of the pants were testing my self-control. I was becoming certain that Edward had not simply been created, but sculpted.

My body was like jelly by the time Alice dropped me home later that evening. Anxious excitement from the day was filling my stomach, leaving no desire to eat any dinner. So I made sure Charlie had some leftovers ready for when he got in from the station, and then I trudged up the stairs to bed early. That was the first night I dreamt of Edward Cullen. I woke up in a clammy sweat and raked my fingers into my hair. This was getting ridiculous. I doubted he was as absorbed in the idea of me as I was with him. Tossing over onto my stomach in annoyance, I told myself to get a grip. But of course my thought patterns continued on their solitary track. All I really wanted to get a grip of was his bronzy brown bouffant.

I struggled to settle again after my midnight fluster. When the sun cracked through the windows in the early morning, there was a message on my cell.

_Hi Bella… it's Edward. I have the gloves that you left in the car yesterday. I'll give them to you in Bio._

The first four words had me bolt upright in bed and suddenly very awake. I keyed a reply and pressed the send button a little too eagerly.

_Thanks Edward, glad you have them and that they aren't lost – guess I'll see you tomorrow then…_

I kicked myself internally – I had a valid reason to text Edward and all I could come up with was a very formal, lame, glove-related response. I was inexperienced with this sort of thing, but surely I could have done better than that. I chastised myself sarcastically: oh, Edward, thank you so much, feel free to hold them close and place your beautiful fingers inside to keep them warm. I released a large sigh. This boy was seriously messing with my usually stable, regular thought processes.

Sunday dragged slowly, despite my best efforts to fill the time with an English paper and cookie baking. As I pulled into the parking lot Monday morning, I was relieved that my introduction to Forks High was buffered by Christmas break coming so quickly. I only had to survive a week and then we had our short vacation. Climbing out of my truck, I hoisted my backpack across my right shoulder. I slammed the door locked and spun around, half expecting to bump into a smiley Alice hug, but I guess I was a little early arriving this morning. She wasn't there yet. I glanced around the snowy space wondering if I might have missed her, but it didn't look like any of the Cullens' cars were there.

Deciding to head to class, I began to take a step and returned my gaze to the direction of the school entrance, when I saw him. I got quick glimpse of Edward shutting the door of his racy black Audi S3 hatchback. Then he was heading straight towards me. I thought I might have been wishfully envisioning the last part. But as he strutted – yes, it was clearly a strut – he caught my eye and then gave a little half look down to the side of him. It was then that the clouds above Forks parted in my foggy brain. He smirked. Not smiled, smirked. A cheeky, naughty, glorious smirk. Edward Cullen was making me a woman just by looking at me. Two weeks in Forks and I was suddenly very grown up.

"Here are your gloves, Bella," he stated as he arrived in front of me.

I just gaped at him. He waved them in front of my eyes, which only wafted his scent towards me more strongly.

"Earth to Bella" he whispered.

"Thank you, Edward," I finally managed.

The shrill ring of the first bell helped to draw me out of my reverie. Embarrassingly, my brain-body connections were still askew and I stumbled a little as I attempted to place one foot in front of the other. After managing to quickly restore my basic functions, I almost lost them again when Edward delicately touched the small of my back to direct me towards the school. Luckily so, because I was fairly sure my internal compass wouldn't find it this morning, since it was stuck firmly pointing at Edward.

That week passed in something of a blur. Little by little I drew out tiny titbits of Edward Cullen. We got in brief moments of conversation before and after Biology. He mostly wanted to know about Phoenix and asked a lot of questions about my time there. Compared to my current and past experiences in Forks, Phoenix didn't seem quite as memorable. Unfortunately all his questioning didn't leave much room for me to edge my own in. He seemed much more comfortable talking about me. There were a few sideways glances and fleeting brushes as we moved around each other.

In Wednesday's class, we watched a fairly dull video about photosynthesis and greenhouses. Edward had the elbow furthest from me up on the desk and was slumped, leaning his head on his upright hand. His right hand was twisting a pen about between his fingers. At one point, he sighed quietly and slipped his hand across in front of me, taking the notebook that I had abandoned on the desk. Still resting in the same position, he flicked it open to the back and began casually sketching. My heart started thumping as I was mesmerised by the movement of his wrist. When the video ended, Edward flipped the cover shut, gathered his belongings and merely smiled at me as he left, saying nothing. I sat there a little dumbfounded. I delicately lifted the pages, as if my notebook now required respect, and found the page he had decorated. There were a few different scatterings of pen, but in the centre of the paper was a small profile sketch of a girl's face surrounded by long wavy hair. I didn't want to commit the idea to my mind, but that girl looked strikingly similar to me.

On Tuesday, Alice made me sit with her at lunch in the cafeteria. I felt decidedly awkward as Rosalie glared somewhat while Emmett engaged me in a fairly deep conversation about my feelings on my dad's job, before cracking some funnies and teasing me. Jasper was calm and content as usual on the opposite side of the table, making me feel a little less uncomfortable. Alice was Alice, and made me blush as she gushed to her siblings about how pleased she was that I was now her friend. I noticed that as his siblings' attention was directed at me in this moment, Edward turned to me and focused in on my face. This only increased my traitorous blush. He raised an eyebrow in curiosity, and that beautiful smirk once again graced his face.

I caught myself staring at their table the other days. I'd wave across to Alice, and a few minutes later I still wasn't actually present with my friends. I was physically there, but my mind was elsewhere. Staring at Edward Cullen, and absorbing every movement of his lips and eyes as he spoke, the flick of his fingers as he played with the food on his tray, and every motion he made to run his hand through his thick hair.

On the Friday that we broke up for vacation, he caught me looking. Angela and I had made a Christmas themed lunch to share with the table, and I was staring at Edward trying to muster the courage to walk over and offer him and the others some of my homemade Christmas fruit mince pies. He glanced sideways across to me, and almost looked a little shocked to catch me out in my Edward-daze. Then his face broke into that amazing smile which reached all the way up to his eyes and gave him beautiful creases of expression. I stayed where I was and watched my friends enjoying themselves after that. My appetite had melted away and been replaced by butterflies.

The first few days of the holiday break were fairly uneventful. I passed the time doing some Christmas baking for Charlie, the Blacks and the Clearwaters, as well as partially re-reading some of my favourite classics, all largely in an attempt to not daydream about a certain mysterious boy. Jacob popped by when he heard I was baking, in order to sit on the edge of the counter and lick the utensils when I was done with them, and then ensure he got the first samples fresh out of the oven. It was great to spend a couple of full days hanging out with Jake at his little house on the Res. We spent our time watching terrible holiday movies, even braving the winter chill and light snowfall to wander down to First Beach briefly.

On Christmas Eve I spent the morning with Alice while she added elaborate bows and swing tags to all of her gifts. She was off on the hunt for more sticky tape in Esme's office, when I looked up from my seat in her bean bag to notice Edward leaning on the door frame. I felt like I was stuck in a photo shoot for a Calvin Klein ad in a glossy magazine. The angles of his limbs, his hair all mussed just so, the slightest glimpse of white boxer briefs below the hitched up corner of his shirt.

"Bella, I was wondering if you might be able to help me with something in Port Angeles this afternoon?" He dropped his voice to finish his sentence: "I haven't gotten Alice a present yet…"

Alice bounced past him and back into the room then. My gaze broke away from Edward and looked to my girlfriend's gorgeous pixie face.

"Al, do you need my finger for anymore ribbon tying? I was going to get a ride to Port Angeles with Edward. I've forgotten a couple of presents."

Alice looked suspiciously at Edward, then back to me. I wasn't sure how Alice would respond to my interest in her brother, or his perplexing interactions and interest in me.

"Nope, that's fine Bella. I can use Jas if I need anymore help," she replied, giving me a gentle smile. "Be sure to get in touch tomorrow, I'd love to see you for Christmas – we can exchange gifts!"

"Okay, Al, thanks," I said, as I clambered out of the sunken depths of the bean bag to follow Edward.

"Hey, Bella?" Alice called before I was through the door.

"Yeah?" I responded.

"Take care, won't you…?" she said with a soft but cautionary look on her face.

I looked at her a little quizzically. "Of course I will, Ali." I turned back towards her and bent to give her a gentle peck on the cheek. She smiled at me and I ducked out nervously to track down Edward in the garage.

He was leaning on a gunmetal grey car that had a beautiful profile, noticeable even to my novice eye for cars.

"Wow, is that yours?" I asked.

Looking around at the vehicle, he replied. "Yeah, it is…it's an Aston Martin. But we'll take the Audi today. It's a little more practical."

When it came to Edward, I really didn't think practical was part of the equation. Everything about him defied the norm, and practical was not a word I would use to describe any of it.

Edward had his iPod filling the car with music on the drive to Port Angeles. I wanted to speak, but nothing that mixed around in my mouth felt right to break the mellow space filling the car. So instead I sunk into the comfy black leather seat and got lost in his music collection. Some of it I knew – a few favourites of mine and Renee's back in Phoenix – but some of it I hadn't heard before. I smiled to myself when I discovered he had Iron & Wine, as 'Flightless Bird' had been one of my favourites in the past couple of weeks. The trip was over much too fast, and faster than usual as it seemed Edward was quite the quick and confident driver.

When we got out of the car on the main street of Port Angeles, I asked Edward if he had any ideas. He said he wanted to get her something special as he "had a lot to thank her for", and had thought about something like jewellery. I smiled with the knowledge that I had the perfect thing. I lead Edward to 'Bello Argento', the boutique Italian jewellery store we were lucky to have nearby in a small town such as this. I helped Edward choose a gorgeous silver necklace for Alice to hang the dainty Cullen crest pendant on, which Carlisle had given her earlier in the year. We left the store after they had gift wrapped it for us, and I felt a little withdrawn that our trip was over so soon.

"Are you hungry?" Edward asked then. "You must be starving, you never had lunch. Let me get you something to say thanks."

He directed me into the local diner, famous for its ice cream menu. He told me to get whatever I wanted so despite it being the depths of winter, I asked the server at the counter for a vanilla sundae with chocolate sauce and fresh strawberries. Edward said he didn't want anything, and was just happy paying for mine. The only thing ruining this moment was the guy behind us in the queue who was giving me the creeps, totally invading my personal space by standing really close and staring at me. Edward noticed me glance back at him, and as we turned to find a table Edward purposefully nudged a shoulder into the guy as he walked past.

On our way to a booth, we happened upon Jessica and Mike having a milkshake, and I was too slow to divert our route so they wouldn't notice us. Jessica insisted that we sit down in their booth just as the waitress brought over my ice cream sundae. Edward and I were quiet as Jessica and Mike bantered at us and back and forth between them. I noticed Edward was disinterested and started subtly scribbling on one of the large white napkins from the holder on the table. I caught his eye and gave an eye roll in Jess's direction. He returned with an understanding smile in his eyes. I watched him as he paused then, and flicked the napkin over to the fresh side, starting to write something. It was stealthily pushed in my direction, disguised by the upstanding menu folder that was in the middle of the table. When I was sure Jess was engaged in Mike for the moment, I looked down to read it.

_I asked the Christmas powers-that-be to bring me something special._

I looked up and gave Edward a little smile. He caught it in the corner of his eye as he pretended to look interested in our company.

_Were you naughty or nice this year?_ I scribbled then pushed it back. Edward whipped the napkin off the table as Jessica focused in on us briefly. She soon returned to Mike and I trained my focus on the spoon in my ice cream bowl rather than my anticipation of Edward's words.

He brought the napkin back up to the table, and flinched a little in one eye before writing on it again.

_That's what I'm worried about._

I raised an eyebrow to the napkin in question as I thought about this, then wrote my question in reply.

_That you weren't good enough to deserve your wishes?_

He wrote back.

_Mmhmm_

Jessica and Mike got up and left us at that point to head back to Forks. Something told me to stick with the napkin rather than speaking.

_Well, what did you ask for?_

His chest rose noticeably, and he released a large sigh. His eyes flicked about the table as his brain ticked over. A moment later, his right index finger moved toward the chocolate sauce of my sundae. He swept it smoothly into the warm syrup and then placed it quickly on the upside of the hand I had resting on the table. He traced a flowing loop around and down on the sensitive skin there, then hesitated before lifting it off and placing it between his lips to suck it clean. I was transfixed by his finger in his mouth, until curiosity managed to break the hold and I looked down. There was a chocolatey 'U' staring back at me. It was rudimentary and gooey, but I was sure it was a 'U'. I looked up at him: his eyes were looking back at me.

I raised my undecorated hand and pointed at my chest, looking at him questioningly. He nodded once. I furrowed my brow in confusion. He then took my chocolate U hand suddenly and drew it gingerly to his mouth, never breaking my gaze as he took it in close and darted his tongue out, gently removing his handiwork. Replacing my hand on the table, he then picked up the pen again and wrote on the napkin. When he moved his hand and turned it, I read what it said.

_Be mine, Bella._

My heart started racing in tiny skip beats in my chest. The shock had me certain I was about to shut down and pass out in my ice cream. Edward wanted me to be 'his'. What that meant exactly, I wasn't sure. But if it meant even a smidgen of what I hoped, then I was willing to wrap myself up and sit in a box under his Christmas tree for it. I needed to respond with more than just my body freaking out in front of him. I looked from his hand to my sundae and dipped my own finger in it. I pulled his cool hand closer across the table, then shaped my chocolate response on his skin.

I had to dip twice to make sure it was clear enough, and then I angled it towards him. My chocolate 'ok' lit up his eyes.

-x-x-x-

Edward shut off the solid hum of the Audi engine after pulling up outside my house. I think we had both been in a pleasant stupor following our time in Port Angeles, so there had been no real discussion since my chocolate sauce reply. I was none the wiser as to what this all meant, but it felt like things were heading in a direction that I was going to like. Or love.

I broke the silence. "We've got friends coming in the morning, so I was going to attempt to resurrect our Christmas tree from the somewhat 'butchering' it received from Charlie."

He snickered. "That sounds like fun…your dad's a good sport."

I shifted in my seat while I decided what to do next. "You know, I can't reach the top branches – if you feel like coming in, you could be useful."

At that he gave a little smile and shrug, then flicked open the door and jogged around to my side. It seemed Dr Cullen had instilled chivalrous manners in his son – for use when he wasn't being moody and complicated I suppose. But the old moody and complicated memories started to dissolve as Edward quietly helped me straighten branches and re-space Charlie's decorating.

"Just the angel left," I mused. "It flopped over and fell off this morning when I was having breakfast. I can't reach the top so I need to get the step ladder."

Edward brought his gaze from the top of the tree down to me with the angel in my hand. I watched him take a step, closing the gap between us. He took a breath, then bent down slightly and slipped one arm tightly around my hips. I gasped as my feet left the ground, and he lifted me just high enough to secure the glittery silver and white ornament.

I watched him as he replaced me on the wooden floor, his arm lingering a little before he drew it away. We got trapped in each other's eyes, both clearly trying to figure out what this cosmic energy was between us, what on earth had happened today, and where we might possibly be headed. After a good minute, Edward was the one who broke first.

"I should go, it's getting late - the family will be expecting me and Charlie will no doubt be home soon."

I nodded twice in disappointed agreement, walking him to the door. He turned the handle and paused to look down at me with the door ajar, then turned his gaze outside and took a deep breath of the cold Forks air.

"Edward?" I whispered, not wanting him to leave. He returned his attention to me.

"Merry Christmas, beautiful Bella," he whispered in his silky voice. The world flicked into slow motion in that moment, as his words lingered around us and he bent smoothly to place a cold hand against my cheek and his soft lips chastely against my forehead.

This boy would be the death of me.

-x-x-x-


	8. Building A Mystery

**A/N** I cannot express how helpful my stunning betas elusivetwilight and cereuleanblue were to me this chapter. It was one of those sticky ones to write, and it was only after I read their comments that I remembered a few key ingredients. Good betas are apparently hard to come by. These two ladies are fantastic at it. Thank you: xxx.

It is amazing to hear a response from readers, and I always reply to those who review, sometimes with a teaser. Please drop me a quick note, it makes such a difference to the writing process. Lots of love to my girlies (you know who you are) who review, chat, support and keep tabs on my progress! Sorry this was slow, but I stopped part way to write chapter 9…

As usual, Stephenie Meyer was the freaky genius behind all of this: amen to that.

Song: 'Sound of Pulling Heaven Down', by Blue October.

-x-x-x-

**Building A Mystery**

_Somewhere, far away from here  
I saw stars, stars that I could reach  
It was a midnight, a silent twilight  
Fell down, beyond the ocean beach_

_So rest assured I have the key to every opening  
To every wishing well that's deep enough to dream  
I want to show you just how fascinating kissing is  
When earth collides with all the space between;  
You make the sound of pulling heaven down  
You brought the rain's romantic pour_

-x-x-x-

When I was seventeen point four, I found my missing piece.

When Christmas morning dawned in Forks, I finally felt like I was where I was supposed to be. As I padded down the wooden stairs at home, Charlie called out from the kitchen.

"Is that you, Bells?"

"Yeah Dad," I replied as I wandered in.

"Have you looked outside, baby?" he asked.

I looked past Charlie in his green plaid shirt, to the kitchen window. Snowflakes drifted silently down the cool glass.

"Oh wow…" I breathed. Of course it wasn't out of the ordinary for there to be snow in Forks, but often it was disturbed by rain and turned to slippery slush pretty quickly. The fact that it was Christmas day also made the thick fall more special.

"Come with me," Charlie said as he directed me towards the front door with his hand. He took his big police jacket off its hook and wrapped it over my shoulders before opening the door. I slipped on the boots that I had discarded in the entranceway, and followed him down the porch steps.

We stood quietly on the front path, silently breathing in the crisp winter air and gazing around us.

"When you were six we came out here on Christmas morning, and you lay down and made snow angels with a cute grin on your little face," Charlie reminisced.

I looked up at him; the brown eyes that he shared with me were flicking over the trees of the nearby woods. I smiled at the snowflakes that had settled on his dark hair and moustache.

"It's good to have you back, Bells," he said quietly.

"It's good to _be _back, Dad," I responded.

As we stood amidst the frosty white, I realised that the snow fall could be a disruption to our plans for the day.

"Will Billy and Jacob still make it over with the snow?" I asked Charlie.

"Yeah, there shouldn't be any problems – workers were out clearing the roads early this morning, so we haven't had any worries or accidents called in – good news for Christmas day."

He turned and left me then, heading back inside with a squeeze of my shoulder as he passed. I stood for a moment longer. Magic and mystery was lingering in the air, and I shivered with the thrilling feeling that it was filtering into me. I couldn't help but think that this energy I was feeling might have something to do with Edward.

I got in a quick call to Renée before Charlie helped me finish preparing the food for the day, and Billy and Jacob knocked on the door shortly after everything was ready. We sat around the lounge listening to our dads telling stories, drinking eggnog and laughing. It was lucky I had overstocked the kitchen, because Jacob ate twice his weight in bacon, eggs and fruit salad. Once the men had satisfied their appetites, we exchanged a few gifts. Billy was pleased with his huge basket of home cooked treats. He and Charlie exchanged fishing equipment, the items chosen because they were the bits they always traded off each other. They chuckled as it began another round of stories about losing hooks when "the big one got away" and plans for future trips together. I had told Charlie he didn't need to get anything for me, as he only recently got me the truck. He presented me with a digital camera anyway, which was actually really cool of him. Renée had obviously been in cahoots with Charlie, since she sent me a big blank album with thick black pages to put all my pictures in, along with a new jacket and thermal tops. Trust Renee to be concerned about the cool weather in Forks.

Jacob and I exchanged presents last. I handed him the parcel which I had wrapped in red paper, and then Alice had insisted I added her fancy Christmas ribbon to it as well. I had to admit she had a way with presentation. It was probably lost on Jacob, however, as he tore it apart revealing the new car stereo I had found for the Rabbit. A stereo was the last thing his car needed, but he hadn't had enough money to fit it with one after the cost of the rebuild. I had some savings from work I did in Phoenix, and Jacob seemed a worthy cause – plus I had received a substantial discount on the sale price from the young boy at the store in Port Angeles. I was sure Jake nearly burst my appendix when he scooped me up and squeezed me in thanks.

"This is _so _amazing, Bella!" Jacob cried, holding me up off the floor. "I think you may officially own shares in the Rabbit now!"

After he put me back down on the couch, he handed me my gift. I tore at Jacob's wrapping paper and uncovered a beautiful silver photo frame which held a copy of the picture I had given Jacob when I left Forks for Phoenix.

"I thought that you had better have a copy of this too, Bells. It shows off my good side, don't you think?" he teased, giving me a nudge with his elbow in my side.

"It's great, Jake, I had missed that photo after I gave it to you. Guess I don't mind having your mug in my room everyday!" I jibed. "I mean it though, thank you, I love it."

Next I opened the small, flat brown box that had also been in the parcel. My eyes widened at what lay inside – an intricately woven dream catcher, dangling with beautiful colored beads, shells and a silver wolf. It was so true to the nature of our relationship that he should be the one to give me a dream catcher. He looked at me, taking in my quiet gratitude.

Harry and Sue Clearwater popped in for a cup of coffee with their kids Seth and Leah briefly. They gave Charlie a hamper of Harry's famous fish fry and I was terribly embarrassed when I opened a gift certificate from them to my favourite Port Angeles bookstore. Luckily, I could return the gesture, and was pleased with the attention I had put into their packages of Christmas baking this week. Seth's young eyes looked particularly pleased with the goodies they took home with them.

After Jacob and Billy left to spend the afternoon with family and friends at the Res, I headed up to my room with a few of my gifts. I found a spot for Jake's frame on my desk and heard a car pull up on the gravel outside the house. I walked over to the window and looked down as Edward moved around the car to our front path. He looked up towards the house and must have seen me leaning on the windowsill. Stopping, he adjusted his eyes and then treated me to what looked like a little laugh and my favorite grin – the one that was second only to his melting smirk. I gave a soft smile back and shook my head at how surreal things were turning out. After my anxiety over Edward's initial perplexities, this gorgeous creature was now standing outside my house on Christmas day.

I wasn't sure that I was ready for a grilling from Charlie regarding boys, especially when I still had no idea what Edward even was to me, so I grabbed my hat and gloves off my chair and a warm coat from the closet and raced down the stairs.

"Dad I'm just meeting a couple of friends to exchange gifts – back soon!" I yelled as I opened the door. I didn't really give him a chance to answer, but I was pretty sure I'd be able to handle any potential interrogation when I got back.

I burst out the door and ran a couple of paces before realising that slipping right now would totally ruin my moment, so I slowed my approach just as I neared him.

"Hi there," he said smoothly.

"Hi – we need to walk, or drive, unless you want a grilling as to your intentions with the daughter of the chief of police…potentially with a rifle in his hands?" I babbled.

"Right," His eyes shifted momentarily to the front door behind me, "No. Get in," he said, turning and gesturing towards the passenger door.

"This car gets to come out for the holiday, does it?" I asked, finally taking a breath and slipping into the moulded seat of the Aston Martin which I had seen in the garage at his house.

"Ha, yeah, I guess it does – special occasion and all that," he smiled, turning on the passenger heating for me.

He asked me about my morning as we wound through the snow lined streets of Forks. I recited most of the details, leaving off mine and Jacob's presents because I didn't want him to get the wrong idea about my availability. He told me it had been a fairly low key morning for most of his family, bar Alice of course.

"I wanted to get to you before she did. She wants to kidnap you for a while this afternoon. Of course, I think there might be presents involved as well," he explained as I smiled, imagining Alice's excitement.

Edward's sleek car handled the wooded lane off the highway with ease, and we eventually came to a large open clearing. I was a little surprised he drove a presumably expensive vehicle on roads like this.

"I wouldn't usually bring this car," he began, "We often come here as a family to play baseball, but there's a more direct route that we use. It's through the woods and fairly rough, so we drive Emmett's big four wheel drive Jeep."

I nodded and looked around, envisaging what he was telling me as he turned off the engine. He slipped out of the car, flicking his door shut before dashing around the front to lift the handle of mine.

"I'd like to take you to my second favorite spot. Actually it's more likely the third favorite," Edward mused, making room for me to step out. "Will you walk with me?"

"Of course," I nodded.

I followed him across the vast open field which the Cullens used as their pitch, hoping that I might get to come and be a spectator for the next family game. I doubted that I'd be very handy with a bat, but the idea of watching Edward play sports was certainly appealing.

Across the other side we walked down into a slight gully, framed with trees on either side. Edward subtly managed to find my hand as we came up to a gorgeous old bridge crossing a river. I was so hungry for his touch, and easily distracted from my surroundings by the feel of his hand sealed around mine through my thin thermal gloves. It was such a beautiful feeling, to have my own hand feel so small, so protected. His other hand turned my chin towards him then as he slowed me to a stop.

"Bella, where are you? Look," he said, turning me to face the side of the bridge.

I looked out over the icicles hanging from the railing, across the largely frozen river with willows dripping above it, up to a stunning view of a narrow waterfall cascading down the mountain face. I could see why this was one of Edward's favorite places. I could imagine that summer or winter, its tranquillity would have the same effect. Edward slipped his hand away and moved to lean against the bridge railing, facing me and making the view a whole lot better.

"I got you something. It's only tiny. But I thought of you when I saw it," he said, reaching into his coat pocket.

He pulled out a tiny silver parcel with red and silver satin ribbon around it and held it out to me in his open palm. I took it from him, nervous about him watching me open it and about what my reaction would be to what lay inside.

"Edward, I'm so embarrassed. I can't accept this…I mean, I…I don't have anything to give to you," I said, shifting my gaze between his hopeful face and the pretty wrapping.

"Yes you do, just open it," he replied.

I furrowed my face at his response, but decided that the anticipation of seeing what he wanted me to have may just outweigh my humility in this moment. I pulled at the ribbon and slipped the paper off carefully, then slowly opened the lid on the black velvet box.

"Oh…wow…" I breathed, tilting my head to look up at him.

"It's a mood ring – the tones will change color a little." He paused, then said in a whisper, "I wondered if maybe it might help me to read you better."

"A mood ring?" I giggled a little.

"You don't like it? I knew it was a stupid idea," he huffed.

"No, no – God no Edward, I love it," I interrupted him.

"It's just ironic really, because for the past few weeks, _your_ moods have been giving me whiplash," I explained, looking up to him, before returning to the gift in my hand.

It really was gorgeous, but made especially more so by the fact that it symbolised something of what Edward was feeling towards me. I had a sense from the sincerity and nerves in Edward's voice that Alice had nothing to do with his choice. I slipped it on my finger, appreciating how much I liked the sterling silver band holding the round gem.

"I love it, Edward. It's truly perfect, thank you."

I reached up on my tippy toes and placed one hand on his grey peacoat to seal my lips gently on his cool cheek. I lingered a little, then looked into his eyes. They were wide and shocked yet pleased at the same time. I smiled at him and he smirked back as he took my hand to lead me back to the car.

Edward took me back to the Cullen's amazing glass and cedar home for an hour of 'Christmas Alice'. He left me alone with her as she gushed and giddily giggled over the Christmassy celebration she had organised in the house. Her gift to me was beautiful: an old hard-cover bound anthology of fairy tales. Watching and listening to her chat away as she dropped me home again that afternoon, I was reminded once again why she was my Alice. Despite being a bit of a pint-sized handful, she was immensely endearing and I was always so grateful for her presence.

That evening I sat on the couch while Charlie watched football repeats on the flat screen, full and content from our Christmas dinner and magical day. I found myself staring at the angel at the top of the Christmas tree, remembering how it had gotten there. Even after today, I was still hoping for more words from Edward that would begin to clarify exactly how much I was to be 'his', and whether or not I could claim him as 'mine'. It seemed that Edward had his own sense of timeliness, his own unique way of going about things. I didn't mind this about him at all. I would wait for what I wanted from him.

-x-x-x-

On New Year's Eve I headed with Angela down to the bonfire at First Beach in La Push. Most of our class at Forks High School and all the older Res kids were planning to be there. I was looking forward to it, but I was really hoping Alice and Edward would turn up. Alice said they weren't sure if they would, and I didn't want to see in the New Year without them. The morning of the bonfire, Alice texted me, confirming they should be back that afternoon. It had been a cold few days in Forks after the now melted Christmas snow, but the days had been lighter and clearer which was nice for a change. The Cullens had taken the chance to go away to visit family for a few days before school went back. It meant that I hadn't seen Edward since Christmas, but he had sent me a few text messages which made me hyperventilate a little when my cell beeped. My favourite was that morning, when he said simply, "Bella…I miss you".

So when I felt a strong presence move in behind me as I stood talking with my friends by the blazing fire on the beach, a buzz radiated from me in anticipation. Looking down, I saw the grey of Edward's warm woollen pea coat around his wrist reaching to hover about my hip, before heavenly whispers tickled my ear.

"The easiest one to spot in the whole crowd, radiating beauty with her searing brown eyes, beautiful flowing curls, and leading me in with a sweet and mysterious fragrance that could only belong to you, Bella."

I turned to him and was met with what was fast becoming my favourite sight. Truthfully, maybe it already was. I was smitten with that face from the moment he finally said hello in Biology.

"You're back," I smiled, unable to contain my face from showing the true extent of my happiness.

I excused myself from my friends. We wandered a few yards until the crowd was thinner then I turned back to Edward, who was behind me.

"How was your trip?" I asked him.

"Fine, thank you. Good to visit the family for a few days I guess," he answered.

"Alice said you were with cousins and Aunt and Uncle was it?"

"Yes, Tanya, Kate and Irina are our cousins. Not by blood though of course. Their mother Carmen is Esme's sister, and her husband is Eleazar," Edward explained.

"Wow, it must have been chaotic with all those people around," I mused, thinking of my comparatively small family gatherings in the past.

"Yeah, I guess it was. I was a bit distracted though," he replied.

"Distracted? Why?" I queried him.

"Because as soon as we got out of Forks, I discovered that my mind and heart were clearly left behind, with you," he told me, looking intensely into my eyes.

He was good. He was very good. If those words had been spoken by anyone else I would have guffawed in their face. Spoken by Edward, and my whole being became a puddle of melted Bella on the sand.

Eric had gotten together to arrange music to play at the beach with one of the Quileute Res kids, who had a massive sound system in his van. The song slowed to a John Mayer track I recognized - '_Slow dancing in a burning room_'. I was about to cover my inner gushing over Edward's revelation by making a comment about Eric having John on his iPod. However, the words were quickly lost as Edward shifted closer to me.

I watched as he steeled his face with intention and slipped an arm around my waist. He gave us both a moment before he drew me in nearer to his body. Despite being dressed for the winter in my grey bomber jacket, the feeling of such close contact with Edward was fantastic. Placing his other hand on my hip he began to lead me to the song ever so slightly. There had been other people dancing, but they dissolved into oblivion by the time Edward inched forward to close the distance between our faces. He held there, neither of us breathing. It was the closest I'd ever been to the features that had been consuming my thoughts for the past few weeks.

"Okay?" Edward whispered.

I wasn't sure if he was asking if I was okay or if what he was doing was okay, but I sensed he was almost checking for permission. I could only nod a response, before my suspicions were confirmed. As everyone around us began counting down the final seconds until the New Year, Edward cautiously closed the last few inches by joining his lips to mine. Initially it was delicate, finding the sensation of each other for the first time. Instinct took over then as he moved to draw my bottom lip between his, sucking gently. We both became more eager, slipping our tongues together, running them about each others smooth lips, before dancing them delicately in further exploration.

My periphery blurred entirely. My lungs shut down. My stomach constricted. My muscles dissolved and the only thing holding me standing in Edward's arms were the hormones running my system. All I could hear, see and feel was Edward. And it was fucking amazing.

When the kiss parted with a final touch of lips, Edward rested his forehead on mine, holding me and studying my face. Keeping his hushed tone, he spoke to me.

"That wasn't as hard as I expected."

"I have no idea what to expect from you," I eventually said.

"What do you mean?" Edward countered.

"I just…I feel like you're going to disappear," I said, deciding to expose myself to him a little more. "You've always been so mysterious. You were always slipping away or not there at all in my first weeks of school. Now…I just don't know if I have you or not."

He was quiet for a bit, just looking at me. I swallowed down the anxiety building in my throat, sure that I must have said too much. Finally Edward rid me of my worry, raising his hand to brush my cheek.

"One day you'll understand how much you have of me," Edward whispered.

Just as we were in the midst of our revelations, I heard a voice I knew well. Usually it brightened my day; tonight I wished I had a giant gobstopper to mute it with.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" Jacob growled harshly, storming up to Edward and me.

We both reluctantly turned our heads from their resting spot to look in his direction.

"Get your fucking hands off of her, you asshole," he said, glaring at Edward fiercely before attempting to grab hold of me.

"Jacob, what the hell are you doing?" I spat at him.

"Leave it Bella, this is between me and this dickhead who treated you like trash and now wants to get in your pants," he ranted back at me. Trust him to have managed to find out what had bothered me at school.

"Bella, step back love," Edward interjected, shooting a cold glare at Jacob.

That sent Jacob right off his rocker, just as Angela came over and pulled me back a little as Edward had suggested.

"Love? Love? You've got a fucking nerve, deciding when it suits you for her to be of interest to you, when it's New Year's Eve and you want some action, eh pretty boy?" Jacob continued, inching further into Edward's space.

"It's not like that at all, Jacob," Edward said calmly, but I could tell in his face he was struggling to control his temperament.

Just as Jake was about to spit more profanities at Edward, Jasper appeared at his brother's side. I took the opportunity to move away from Angela and set Jacob straight.

"Jake, you're making a scene for no good reason," I said, gripping onto his bicep. Edward isn't after a one night stand…we're…we're…"

"Together," Edward interrupted my verbal searching.

I looked at him, momentarily blissful at his confirmation, before turning back to Jacob. His face wasn't impressed at all. In fact it was riddled with a mix of hurt, confusion and anger. He had always been there for me, and I needed to soothe him, if that was at all possible.

"I don't know what you found out, but what happened at school was nothing. It was just a misunderstanding. Edward is Alice's brother, he's a good person. He's not using me Jake."

"Bella, you know how things go - you're too trusting, too accepting, and I can promise you if anyone gets hurt, it won't be him," he said to me, quieter now.

"Jake, this isn't the time or the place to talk about this. We'll deal with it later when you're calm and rational," I reasoned.

I was a little stunned to see all six of the Cullen kids now had their eyes on me when I turned away from Jacob. I sought out Edward and Alice who were next to each other.

"Can you take me home, please Alice…Edward?" I asked quietly, my eyes shifting between them.

"I can't just watch you throw yourself into something that could break you apart. I may have been able to help you in the past, but I'm not always going to be enough to put the pieces of you back together," Jacob cautioned as I moved away.

I turned my head back towards him; worried about whether this was a heat of the moment reaction that could be remedied later, or if he had serious concerns.

"You're about to cross a line Bella," he said, stepping towards me.

"So don't draw one then," I pleaded, turning to take Edward's hand. Jasper brushed his hand down my back, easing me a little with his support as I passed between he and Alice on our way to the car.

-x-x-x-

Things were a little tense with Jacob after that night on the beach. I wasn't sure what it was about Edward that had Jake feeling so protective of me. I wondered if he would have been this protective if I had been in the same town as him when I was dating Tyler. He had knocked him a good one when Tyler crossed me. But something told me that this wasn't the same. There was an intensity with Edward and me that was probably difficult to fathom. Hell, even I struggled to bring reason to it. I can only imagine how the only other boy I had been really close to felt about it. My relationship with Edward was the elephant in the room whenever I hung out with Jacob over the next few months. There were times when it faded a little and we were just Bella and Jacob again. But, really, I knew I was just putting off the conversation that I could tell we were going to have to bash out at some stage. I knew it was the only way to bring my sun out from the drifting stormy clouds.

Lying in my room one afternoon after school, I was trying to decide what it was that I was sensing within myself about Edward. I often had a vague feeling of déjà vu stewing inside me when I was around him. Whilst I found him decidedly mysterious, something about Edward felt familiar and comfortable, like I had known him before now. Once we had begun to open up about things at the bonfire, our relationship simply seemed to flow from there.

We spent most of our time together. Edward had worked on the office ladies to rig most of his classes to be with me for our senior year of school. He often picked me up to give me a ride, and if he didn't, Alice or Emmett would swing by my place in the mornings. The delivery service also included rides to and from the job I took at Mike Newton's parent's store, Newton's Outfitters. I enjoyed the company, and I loved that Alice especially wasn't perturbed at having to share me with her brother. That wasn't really the way she and Edward worked, anyway. Everything about them was simple and caring, despite Alice's exuberant personality. It wasn't very often that I wasn't apart from at least one of the Cullens. Even Rosalie began to warm to me after a couple of months. She didn't have much choice, as Emmett was always keen to be part of the mix, no matter who was involved.

A couple of years back when Renée and I were having a discussion about classic love stories, she told me that she believed that fear is the heart of love. I found this idea somewhat unsuited to her personality given what I could remember of her as a child. To me, it seemed that she had felt fear and run from it, rather than accepting the fear for what it supposedly was: a part of love.

The intensity with which I felt myself succumb to Edward Cullen scared me like nothing had before.

My grandma Marie used to talk about people being 'old souls'. I think she would have said this about Edward if she met him. He had a worldly, calm depth to him, so different to my other friends at Forks High. His manners were impeccable and sometimes he sounded like he was from another time. So many things culminated to make him utterly entrancing. I had to pinch myself in moments of disbelief that he chose me to share who he was with. It didn't help that I could stare at him forever, and be held captive so easily in his face. It was as if the sun and moon rose in Edward's eyes. It was cheesy, but eerily true. Sometimes they were dark as the night. Sometimes they glowed like the dawn was breaking inside them. From the little I knew, one thing felt particularly instinctual: when you find that light in someone else's eyes, you never let it go. It didn't take long for me to realise that I didn't want to ever let Edward Cullen go.

It hurt me now, to think about Edward in this way. Had the last time I would see those eyes looking into mine passed me by, without me realising that it was the last? Would I never again see them get a glint in them as he smirked at me when my cheeks tinged with rosy blush?

On an overcast July day in Forks, Edward and I drove to what he had introduced me to as his second favorite place. He had taken me to the isolated meadow twice before, but today it was a better temperature to spend a good part of the day outside enjoying it. It was unique in that you came across it out of nowhere, and it was a near perfect circle bordered by the woods. As we lay amongst the flowers and rich green grass, I thought back over the most content months of my life. Edward still confused all my sensibilities in many ways. I should probably have taken more care with my instincts and the cautious part inside me – and the mini Jacob sitting on my shoulder that told me not to throw myself into this all head first. But anytime I got anywhere near taking more care with the whim of my heart, I found myself forgetting the reasons why I would bother and was once again powerless to the wonder that was Edward Cullen. Moments like this were a perfect example.

We had turned in the grass from being sprawled on our backs to face each other. Lying and talking to Edward had become my favorite pastime. Or just lying and simply looking, as we were now.

"Edward, you know on Christmas, when we went to the waterfall?" I asked, breaking the silence as I rolled a wrinkle in his t-shirt between my fingers.

He simply nodded at me, the corner of his mouth twitching into a slight upturn.

"What was your other favorite place? Where we were at the waterfall was the third, this meadow…where is the other place?"

"I'm looking at it," he replied.

"What, you mean the meadow counts twice? Or somewhere else here?" I questioned, confused.

"No, I'm looking at it…I'm looking at you. _You're _my favorite place. Whenever I am with you, Bella, I'm there."

Staring at him, my mouth agape, my breathing hitched.

"I feel like I've been waiting for you forever...you have no idea how long I've waited for you," he continued, then dropped his eyes away from me.

"But I'm scared. I feel like you're something so fragile, that someone like me could only break it."

What Jacob had said to me at the bonfire sprung to mind, but I pushed it away, more concerned by the meaning of Edward's words.

"What do you mean, 'someone like you'," I whispered. "Someone like you is what holds me together…the only way you could break me is if…if I didn't have you anymore."

I managed to capture his eyes again, searching them for more.

"I'm like the lion, Bella. And you're the beautiful young lamb," he said, pausing to sigh. "The lamb was always supposed to run away from the lion," he finished.

"Well, I guess that makes me a stupid lamb," I resolved.

He took a breath and let it out in a sigh, before reaching up his fingers to stroke my hair where it met my forehead. He raked them further through, moving to cup his hand gently around the back of my head, drawing my face in to his. I inhaled him as he placed his mouth on mine, sensuously moulding our lips together and melting my sensibilities with his tongue.

Eventually he pulled away, softly touching his lips to the tip of my nose and returning his gaze to my eyes.

"I only hope that I can be what you need, Bella, because I can't turn back. You are my life now."

-x-x-x-


	9. My First, My Last, My Everything

**A/N** Thank you to the insanely marvellous elusivetwilight and cereuleanblue – especially as they had to read this one pre and post my holiday. Ms Lusive wrote me amazing words of mama hen praise about this chapter, which means a lot given the respect I have for amazing fanfic lovelies like her.

Lemons ahead: if you shouldn't be reading, please don't. From now on the M rating kicks in. I don't want to scar any young minds!

Kudos to Stephenie Meyer, and all other inspiring creatures.

Song: 'Iris' By The Goo Goo Dolls.

-x-x-x-

**My First, My Last, My Everything**

_And I'd give up forever to touch you  
Cause I know that you feel me somehow  
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be  
And I don't want to go home right now_

_And I don't want the world to see me  
Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
When everything's made to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am_

-x-x-x-

When I was seventeen point seven, Edward Cullen told me that he loved me.

It was a Friday evening and I was spending it at the Cullen house. We were watching old movies on their big screen television which hung on the wall of the formal lounge. I was squished up between Alice and Edward, on my favorite deep, soft couch. Esme had a great eye for detail and had matched the furniture beautifully to the rest of the room in complimenting neutral and white tones. She had brought us out a bowl of fresh popcorn, providing great entertainment for Emmett as he used me for target practice from his spot on the loveseat with Rosalie. That is, until Esme noticed him as she passed by us on her way out to meet Carlisle during his break at the hospital. Her insistence that he clean it up, pronto, made me giggle given that she was speaking to her towering son. The relaxed and caring approach she had with her children was such an endearing quality of Esme's, clearly evident as Emmett jumped up to fix his mess, giving her a cheeky kiss on the forehead when he passed.

Rosalie and Emmett headed out before the second movie had finished, followed shortly after by Alice and Jasper. Alice parted with a "be good" and a quick kiss to my cheek which caused me to flush crimson.

Edward and I stayed settled on the couch to finish the movie. As I giggled at the television, I noticed out of the corner of my eye that he was staring at me.

"What?" I asked, turning to face him.

"Nothing," he eventually replied with a soft smile, "I guess you just amaze me in so many ways."

"That's silly, Edward, I'm so ordinary compared to you," I said, shaking my head and dismissively turned back to the television.

"You underestimate your own potency, Bella," Edward stated.

He stood then, leaving the room, my eyes following him as he faded along the hallway. I wasn't sure if I should go after him, but when I heard the distinct beginnings of music from the grand piano spreading through the house, I was quickly drawn toward it. The movie was forgotten as I went in search of him.

I walked into the open room, the glass of the wall of windows filled with a view of the twilight fading amongst the tall trees. The sight of Edward seated on the leather piano stool, so at home there, struck me in the chest with adoration. I was carried in closer by the sound, trying not to disrupt him as I perched on the stool. There was something about the skill and passion for this instrument that was released from Edward when he touched the keys that held me absolutely entranced. I vaguely recognized what I was hearing, although I couldn't place where exactly it was from. It was beautiful and powerful to the point that I couldn't prevent my eyes from glistening a little with the emotion.

I recognized the second piece he played, _Clair de Lune_, as we had connected over it when it came up on the iPod in his car one morning. I had told him that it was one of my favorite classical pieces, but it truly found new life for me now, hearing it flow from Edward. 

The notes he struck gradually morphed into a new melody, carrying me with them. After a few bars I recognised it as a song Alice had been playing a lot recently from her Sarah McLachlan CD. The lyrics came to my head as I matched them to Edward's playing…

…_but every time I'm close to you  
there's too much I can't say  
and you just walk away  
And I forgot  
to tell you  
I love you  
and the night's  
too long  
and cold here  
without you  
I grieve in my condition  
for I cannot find the words to say _

_I need you so…_

Without moving his eyes from the keys, I watched him open his mouth and draw a breath to speak.

"I love you, Bella," fell quietly from his lips.

In a state of awe, I raised my hand to find his cheek and turn his face towards me.

"Kiss me," was all I could plead.

He drew his hands from the ivory, shifting to me and tentatively placed his lips on mine. The heat that had built in the last few minutes took over, and soon we were both moaning breathily as our lips and tongues melded together. I had never felt Edward quite this animalistic as he pulled me closer, to devour me. He moved his hand around my back to prevent me from falling backwards as his other hand found its way over my body with a direction it had never sought so purposefully in the past. I planted a hand down on the piano keys for support, the resulting noise a grinding chorus, as he moved his kisses to the nape of my neck. He held me close to place his lips against my soft skin, moving in stepping stones back towards my chin. Meeting my mouth again, his lips and tongue resumed their play even more hungrily, before he abruptly pulled his face away in a pant.

"Sorry," he said breathily, "I'm finding it more and more difficult to keep my hands off you."

"Then don't," I implored.

He furrowed his brow at my comment, his amber eyes torn between his options. Making a decision, he lifted his weight and inched the piano stool away from the keys, creating more space. Leaning to me, he wrapped his arms about my body to draw me up into his lap. Facing him, I hooked my legs around his hips as he shifted to settle us on the stool and reach his hands back towards the piano keys. Without him looking to the notes, we sat together like this for a good twenty minutes as he felt his way through songs by memory, brushing my body with his arms as he moved.

Later that night I lay silently in my bed, head rested on his shoulder and pensive in his arms as my mind replayed the evening. I had been lulled into a beautiful stupor as he continued at the piano. There had been moments of stolen kisses or just resting his forehead against my shoulder as I was filled by the acoustics of the room.

After walking me from his Audi to deliver me to the front door he departed, only to return later by climbing gracefully through my bedroom window. As I lay with his arms around me, my mind wandered over smaller details: the piano, his words and his passion had pushed me to a pinnacle. He was so indelibly a part of me now. I needed all of him, and I wanted him to be mine forever. I already ached for him so badly; every day taunted me with his presence and how much I needed everything I could possibly have of him. On the surface it was selfish and primal, but deeper within it was fuelled by a love and fervour that I was sure must be of an extent that was extraordinary to human nature, or what I thought I had known human nature to be. That was before Edward. Edward simply defied belief.

-x-x-x-

School was abuzz in the following months. Things were slowly winding up with plans for the end of senior year. Alice and Rosalie were enthusiastic for the six of us to go to prom together. I, on the other hand, was not so sure. When I expressed my hesitancy during lunch one day, including my lack of a dress, Alice was convinced she had a solution for everything.

"Rose and I will take you shopping, Bella, we'll find you something perfect!" Alice declared.

Rose actually agreed. "There's a shop in Port Angeles that will order in one off dresses if you can't find something in store. You needn't be worried with us to help, Bella," she said.

Despite being humbled by their enthusiasm to help, in particular Rosalie's, I still wasn't convinced.

"It's not just the dress though... I also have two left feet when it comes to dancing...dancing and I don't tend to be friends," I mumbled.

"Edward can dance, Bella, Esme made sure all the boys could. He'll look after you, of course," Alice said, as if it was just that easy.

But perhaps where Edward was concerned, things simply would be that easy. I was fast learning that there was possibly nothing Edward couldn't do. And do well at that. The idea of being held by Edward, seeing him in a suit, dancing with me... The potential was pretty appealing.

We all knew how convincing Alice could be, so Edward didn't want me to feel pressured by his sisters. At the same time, he didn't want me to miss the experience of senior prom. He was always so willing to appease me, I almost felt a little guilty being the deciding factor. I certainly didn't want to be the one to split the couples, and decided that prom in their company would surely have me forgetting my nerves fairly quickly.

Sure enough, when prom night came around, the girls had me adorned in the most beautiful bright emerald blue dress. I felt almost balletic in the fitted bodice, with its soft round neck which hugged my chest, before tuliping down in draping folds of fabric, finishing at my knee. Renee hadn't been able to visit for awhile since things had been busy on the road with Phil's team. She was sad to be missing out on helping with prom, so she sent me a note with a gorgeous antique silver bangle of hers to wear on the night. Alice had effortlessly swept my hair up into a few pins, leaving the rest cascading down in loose waves. Rosalie kindly insisted on doing my makeup. The result was dewy and delicate, which I appreciated given I usually wore very little. My only concern lay in the shoes Alice had slipped onto my feet: the heels were high enough to be treacherous for the uncoordinated. I was ever hopeful of remaining stable and upright with the support of Edward.

We were getting ready at the Cullen house, so Esme had insisted on inviting Charlie over for pre-drinks and photos. The idea had added somewhat to my anxiety about the night, and I worried about Charlie feeling awkward in the dwarfing Cullen house with the entire family. But when Esme told me that no father should miss seeing their little girl in a prom dress, I softened, because I knew that she was right. She was especially right now. It turned out to be the last dress which he would ever see me in.

When I thought of this now, the realisation made me wonder what I would be buried in. I'm not sure if I would want something pretty or formal as often seems the case, or just comfy and me. Like jeans with a nice top, or even a cosy hoodie or pyjamas, like I was going to bed for the last time. Maybe Alice will choose. It would be good if Alice is able to be the one to do that for me. If she took that role, I would be happy with anything she picked out. Mostly because it made me sick to my already sore stomach to think of my parents having to look in the wardrobe of my vacant room to decide what to bury their only child in. Yes, I was now glad I let Charlie in to share prom night with me.

When I was finally ready I walked with Alice and Rose down the staircase to the gathering below. One hand clutched at the railing for security, with the other my thumb toyed at the ring Edward had given me. It was a habit I had developed unconsciously, particularly when I was nervous or uncertain. As I reminded myself just to keep breathing, I lifted my gaze from the last few steps to find the comforting sight of Charlie and Edward, standing next to each other. As I arrived at the bottom Edward gathered me into his side, reassuring me instantly as he graced my forehead with a light kiss. Charlie frowned, but said nothing when I smiled at him.

"You look beautiful, Bells," he said to me.

"Thanks, Dad," I said, shifting from Edward to give Charlie a quick hug.

Carlisle had hired us a limousine so we could all travel together to the venue, which was a local hotel. We milled around a bit at the beginning, taking in the setting. As things livened up, Emmett gave me a spin around the room to what he decreed to be one of his favourite songs.

"Who is this?" I yelled over the music.

"Hot Chip, little Swan. Laid back, I'll give you laid back, over and over and over…" he told me, continuing his singing.

My feet were barely taking steps, his tree trunk arms were holding me to him to keep me upright. I couldn't contain my laughter as he was singing and smiling, totally in his element being able to entertain me. Emmett was like my big brother already, I hoped I would never be without him in my life.

Jasper was a little more reserved when I had a dance with him, making sure I was comfortable and chatting to me a little about the night. Mid song I looked over to see Alice dancing with Edward. He always seemed so calm with his emotions, but tonight he was frequently smiling and expressive. I watched as he laughed at something Alice said, her face aglow with enjoyment. Jasper gave my hip a squeeze, bringing my attention back to his understanding gaze.

"They both care about you a lot, darlin', as much as you do about them. I love how she is with you. Not to mention the change in Edward," he said.

It was a thought that I couldn't really fathom, so I just smiled softly in response, feeling calm and comfortable with Jasper.

After our dance I was having some punch and catching up with Angela when Edward returned to me at the side of the room.

"Excuse me, Angela," he said politely, then turned to me. "May I have this dance?" he asked, holding his hand out in invitation.

I nodded twice, stunned yet again into an Edward induced stupor as he took me to an open space on the dance floor. He looked so dashing in his plain black suit. I guessed it was a fairly pricey one as it fitted him perfectly, tapering in all the parts where it should.

The music had slowed, unnerving me about stumbling with my steps and treading on Edward's feet. Of course he interrupted my building concern. He pressed me to his body, lifting me as he did so, bringing the balls of my feet to rest on his toes. Once secure, he began to move his feet, carrying me with him with ease.

"See, you're dancing," he said into my ear, causing me to shiver.

"Mm, at prom," I mused, surprised.

Edward was continually dazzling me. Moments like this just added to a never ending string of times in which he took my breath away. There had to be something more to Edward Cullen choosing _me_. It didn't make sense for him to love me. Nevertheless, I knew I really didn't want him to ever stop. But as he moved us through the music of '_Fix You'_, the words made my heart ache a little with what I guessed was fear of reality. Surely…surely this was too good to last…too good to be true.

The six of us left early and headed back to the Cullens'. Edward led me up the staircase to his room. I loved so many parts of this house, but Edward's room held a special fascination because of what it told about the boy I loved. It was his space, filled with hundreds of books, CDs and journals. His bed was new, big and very comfy, and Esme's touches were evident in the coordinated color scheme and the plush linen on Edward's bed.

He walked over to his impressive stereo system and pushed play on his iPod, releasing the warm, strong sound of the speakers he was particularly proud of. He removed his jacket, tossing it over the back of chair, then tugged at his black tie with one hand, removing it and undoing a couple of buttons on his crisp white shirt. It was such a simple thing to do, but something about Edward in formal dress made the whole scene undeniably sexy. Returning to me, he ran his eyes up my body.

"You're much more than beautiful, Bella. I could tell you so every day, but words just don't do you justice."

Taking my hand, he raised it above my head, twirling me in a slow pirouette on the spot. I grimaced a little, but I didn't want to ruin this.

"Just ease into the music, Bella, ease into me," he responded, quietly.

_~Is it me_

_Or is everything spinning~_

"I think we might be pushing my dancing boundaries now," I said to him.

_~I'm wide awake but I must be dreaming~_

With a glint in his eye he gave me his glorious smirk.

_~It's like you're some kind of drug~_

"There's something about tonight that has me in the mood to try and push a few boundaries," he replied, weakening my knees with his words.

_~Try to catch my breath_

_And see if I'm still breathing~_

I moved closer in an attempt to convey my approval of his mood. He wrapped his arm around my waist, pressing me to his body, beginning to move us a little more.

_~Touch my heart_

_And make sure it's beating~_

I looked him over, my eyes moving from his arms holding onto my body, to the bit of chest exposed by his undone buttons, his long neck, strong jaw, golden eyes. I ached to kiss him, telling him so with a touch of my fingers to his lips, before I moved my face closer.

_~It's like_

_I'm falling in love~_

The lip lock was tender, but the rush of building need filtered through and our tongues moved with more intensity. It was then that he ran his fingers down my hips and around to my backside, cupping my cheeks to lift me to his waist as he whispered in my ear.

_~It's a rush _

_I can't explain~_

"Wrap your legs around me, Bella."

_~Like you shot something crazy_

_Into my veins~_

My dress hiked up as I complied, gripping him with my thighs and crossing my calves behind him. He took small steps, dancing us on the spot, while I held his mouth to mine with my hands on the nape of his neck.

_~And I'm ten feet off the ground_

_And I don't want to come down~_

Holding me, Edward walked over to his dark leather couch, sitting first so I straddled his lap. Our free hands began to roam each other's bodies. With his pushing boundaries comment in mind, I ran my fingers to the buttons of his shirt. I undid another two to give me better access to the skin of his chest. He moved his lips down my neck, finding the fine skin of my collar bones and making his lips familiar with every inch of them. As my chin tilted to the ceiling at the sensation, I panted, desperate for more.

My pant was a gasp when Edward uncharacteristically gave me what I desired, smoothing his fingers along my thighs underneath my hitched dress. His hands were gentle, moving slowly as his mouth paid careful attention to my shoulders, neck and lips.

As he neared the lacy panties the girls had chosen me, I felt his cool cheek press against mine.

In my ear he whispered, "Tell me if you want me to stop."

"Don't stop," I breathed, needing to see how far he would take this.

Joining our lips again, a cautious finger slipped under the elastic between my legs, meeting my anxious warmth. He traced me softly, tickling the sensitive skin and finding my clit. The pressure was perfect, just enough to allow the sensation to take centre and then spread throughout my body. Just as the feeling was peaking, he tenderly slipped his finger inside me. I tensed in surprise and he paused.

"Okay?" he whispered

I nodded quickly, prompting him to withdraw slightly then press back inside, curving slightly along the sensitive walls. As he stroked me, his thumb tickled at my clit again and his lips returned to my neck. The combination was overwhelming and it took very little for me to feel my body reaching a crescendo. It peaked when he included another finger inside me on his next stroke.

"Edward," I moaned in a whisper, feeling waves pulsate around his hand and tumble through my belly.

My whole body dissolved into him as I sat in his lap. I panted, breathless from the climax. Dropping my forehead to his shoulder, I was revelling in Edward's abilities and the shock at what our night of pushing boundaries had brought. I thought then that I might have died and gone to heaven. But it seemed heaven was on earth with Edward, and death came later.

-x-x-x-

By the time we got to the week before my eighteenth birthday, I was wound up like a spring and ready to pounce. The sexual tension between Edward and I had been building to a crescendo over the past few months, to the point that I was sure that one of us – or actually, just me – would combust. At times Edward retreated, reining himself back from what he seemed to want. His restraint was such that just kissing me often seemed like it pained him. I had put it down to the fact that it pained me too. The want was so intense, it hurt.

Yet it was more than just that primitive desire; consciously, I knew there was something more to Edward and me. I compared it to my experiences in Phoenix, when I had known in my gut that going further with Tyler wasn't what I needed or wanted. I wanted to know that my heart was committed to the ride as well. My heart was there with Edward, and instinct told me it was pretty committed.

That night, Charlie had called home at 9.30pm saying he would be stuck working in Mason County on a homicide for most of the night. Edward and I had started a movie and were wrapped up in each other on my couch at the time. We began the evening sitting, me with my head rested on his solid shoulder, but as _Romeo and Juliet_ progressed we had sunken down until we were lying across the couch with him enveloping me from behind, my legs twisted through his. He was whispering lines to me, his lips tickling the lobe of my left ear…

"_These violent delights have violent ends_

_And in their triumph die, like fire and powder,_

_Which as they kiss, consume. The sweetest honey_

_Is loathsome in his own deliciousness_

_And in the taste confounds the appetite._

_Therefore love moderately. Long love doth so._

_Too swift arrives as tardy as too slow…"_

A shiver ran through my bones as he finished the line and his innocent tickling turned into a more provocative nibbling. This gradually turned into very gentle sucking of my earlobe. His cool lips found their way to the sensitive skin at the side of my neck. By the time he made a trail down my neck, I was totally lost in him. I was a puppet in his play and he controlled my strings like a master. I wasn't sure how much more of these delicate teasers my body could withstand. It sang out forcefully for me to do my best to get Edward to take these beginnings further.

I shifted closer to his heat, my curves fitting against him. "Edward, I think I'm ready for bed," I said as I yawned.

I felt his body tense a little behind me and he audibly swallowed. I wasn't sure what had him so concerned about us taking our relationship further. But my confusion was stifled a little then, as he un-wrapped his top leg from mine and flicked it over my hips, pushing himself out of his gap on the couch with his bottom arm. As he swept himself over me to stand up, his groin rubbed against my hip bone, allowing me to feel his obvious arousal. He stood lithely and scooped one arm under my legs and the other around my back. Effortlessly he lifted me up of the couch and headed for the stairs. I stared at his face the whole time, fascinated by his actions and enamoured by the possibilities of the night.

Reaching the landing, he pushed the door to my bedroom out of his way with his shoulder, walking in and pausing in the midst of the open floor space. Bending slowly, he replaced my bare feet on the cool wooden boards, letting his hands delicately sweep away from my legs and back. I felt his cool breath across my forehead as he stood tall again and then moved away from me. I found myself frozen rigid to the spot where he left me.

Moving towards my bedside table, he opened the drawer which held my sleep wear. Many nights he had watched me take items from here, before turning his eyes to the wall and allowing me to dress for bed. Taking something out, he pushed the drawer closed again and turned, holding in his hands the sole piece of actual nightwear I owned besides little boy-shorts and singlet tops. Despite the calm, unfazed look on his face, what he held still got a nervous reaction from my insides. Renée had bought it for me from Victoria's Secret my last Christmas in Phoenix, and Edward was only now tearing off the price tag with his teeth. It was simple black satin, but I had never thought to wear it when I was sleeping alone.

I was staring down at the lingerie in his hands, opening my mouth to say something, only to be silenced by Edward stopping inches in front of me. His hand lifted up gingerly, and he swept it under my chin, tilting my head up towards him. He held it there briefly, taking in my timid eyes, then let it slide down the front of my neck causing me to swallow deeply, choking on my breath. Without leaving my eyes, he found the zipper of my khaki green hoodie and slowly pulled it down my torso, easily flicking it unfastened at the bottom. Both hands moved to my shoulders then, as he gave the already draping garment the push it needed to fall into a puddle at my heels. Edward stole my sense from me as he removed each piece of my clothing.

His hands continued to move over me and I felt unnervingly like prey, an incapacitated target being stalked by a strong and beautiful predator. I felt his breath flush over me again as he placed his hands on my shoulders, running them down the length of my arms until he met my hands. He walked his fingers across my skin, finding the middle finger of each hand and linking onto them delicately with two of his own. He drew my arms up above my head and abandoned them there, releasing his hold to wrap his long arms down and across in front of me from behind. I felt him grip onto the edges of my knit top. The sensation of his hands grazing my hip bones made my stomach flinch, before slowly and carefully pulling the slight stretch of the fabric up over my head and off over the tips of my fingers.

He faintly ran his middle fingers down the life line that graced each of my palms, continuing down my smooth inner forearm and across my elbow. It took all my strength not to shut down when he reached the area under my arm and brushed over the sensitive skin. Adding fuel to the fire, I felt his other hand ghost over my back, finding the clasp of my black bra. He popped it open easily. Clearly having limber pianist's fingers was beneficial for working over more than just ivory keys. The butterflies inside me took full flight then, as he slipped the strap off across my right shoulder, leaving it hanging from my left. I felt him move himself a little closer so his head was over my shoulder. An overwhelming sensation sunk down my body to between my thighs as Edward's fingers resumed their journey across the swell of my breasts, lingering over my nipples then gracing the line where their swell met my stomach. He had seemed reasonably composed until now, but I heard him audibly swallow and sensed him attempting to gather himself in the moment. I didn't really want him gathered at all.

From there, he curved his track in towards my belly button before meeting my hips once again, this time skin on skin. He paused, took a breath, then both hands moved to my jeans and I felt the top button being released. I thought I might faint as he slid down the zipper and began to peel the denim off my hips. Reflexively I sunk my arms down to my sides, releasing my bra to the floor. Logical Bella clicked in fleetingly as I was pleased that it was a plain pair of black cotton panties that were being revealed and nothing too embarrassing as a result of my unpreparedness. But logical Bella vanished in a cloud of need as Edward slid his body down mine. He followed the path of his hands in my jeans, bending to take hold of my calves and encourage my pants over the final hurdle of my feet.

When he returned to stand behind me I could feel the soft fabric of the nightdress on my back. He had exposed me so gracefully; I could feel no shame in baring my nearly naked body to a boy so intimately for the first time. I wanted him to continue…to push me over the edge and slip off my panties as well. I flinched in surprise as his lips brushed my right ear lobe.

"So exquisite." he breathed fragrantly.

With that he carefully placed the satin over my head, and I manoeuvred my arms through the straps. As he brushed my breasts again, further hardening my nipples, he dropped the floating fabric, letting it shimmer down over my hips finally coming to rest mid thigh. I was pretty sure I was close to orgasm just from his delicate skill in undressing me, so I held hope that the cover of a nightdress wasn't going to hinder what I desperately needed from Edward. He planted a chaste kiss on my neck before gathering me up in his arms as he had done earlier downstairs.

He moved to place me down into the soft sheets of my bed, still messy and pushed back from the previous night's sleep. Standing again without breaking eye contact with me, the most mouth watering sight unfolded before me. He began to undo the buttons of his jeans, which he ran his fingers around and pushed them off his hips. Breathing out deeply, he pulled his black t-shirt off over his head, mussing his hair even more.

He moved towards me on the bed then, laying down as he pulled the sheet over us. We stared at each other before he took a finger and ran it from cheek to cheek, slowing across my lips and parting them, causing me to suck in a deep lungful of air. I realised then that he must have noticed that I hadn't been breathing at all. Not since somewhere around the time at which he took off his shirt and was standing at eye level in front of me in his grey boxer briefs.

I relaxed as he ran his nose over the lines of my jaw; the curves of my neck; the peaks of my collarbone. His hand was a little shaky as it cupped my breast, gaining confidence as he delicately circled my nipple through the smooth fabric, the friction causing it to peak. My lips tingled with anticipation as he brought his face closer, meeting my eyes as he ran his tongue across their smooth surface. We both let our hooded lids close as his tongue slipped inside and our lips met.

Edward had begun stroking at the left of my forehead with his sexy fingers, whispering them up into my hair in small passes, when the warmth between my legs and in my heart became totally unbearable. Breaking our kiss, I felt the intensity flick between our eyes.

"Edward…please?" I practically begged, breathily.

His face tensed with an ache as he strained to reply.

"I don't want to hurt you Bella…I could hurt you…you're so small and delicate…" he muttered, closing his eyes, but I didn't think he was entirely sure of his conviction to his cause.

I was ever more hopeful he would break as his cool hand traced my body once again. It delicately curved around my elbow, moving slowly down my arm. It traced delicately across my ribs below my breasts, causing a shiver to run through my body as the sensitive nerves responded to him.

He didn't stop though. I felt him continue over my waist, tracing along my hip and down my leg, around my knee. He paused there, his long fingers curling around my calf. He pulled my leg up suddenly, hitching it around his hip.

Holy fuck.

The shock of his movement had me in momentary heart failure. He had drawn a line with my leg, marking a new territory that I wanted to cross into. The passion brewing within me was no longer containable. It was time to take things into my own hands in order to drag Edward across into the fiery abyss he had created.

I made my move, running my hands down the ripples of Edward's hard chest, heading in the space between us straight for his waistband. I didn't want to stun him totally, so I let my fingers trickle over the outside of the fabric where it clung to him. But the anticipation meant I couldn't hold any restraint. I stroked upwards and eased away the elastic to slip my hand inside. The immensity of his size and hardness overwhelmed me. There really was nothing to fault in the architecture of Edward Cullen.

"Fuck, Bella, just take it carefully," he whispered, his words strained.

Every inch of my being ached for more of him. I wanted to be entirely consumed by Edward. I moved to remove the grey fabric from his hips so I could feel him freely next to me. He took over from my hands part way down his thighs. My eyes met his and I read in his face that he still held some anxiety over where we were going. I was desperate to reassure him that I was okay.

"I'm on the pill," I whispered, slightly embarrassed. "And there's no way you could hurt me, Edward," I continued more decisively, "You just couldn't. I swear to you, you're all I need, all I will ever need…"

I was cut off by his cool lips as they found mine, this time with a slight fervour about them. It seemed he had finally succumbed, as he turned towards me into the leg that was still hitched over his hip, leaving me pressed into the bed on my back with Edward between my legs. He kissed me in a way I had never quite felt before. He had clearly been holding back these past months. Tonight, that last inch of give in his elastic had snapped, and he was finally showing me his all. His hand moved from behind my hitched knee to smooth over my thigh in an arc towards the soft skin between my thighs. He thumbed at the exterior of my panties a little, and I could feel my moistness meet the cotton fabric. I moaned throatily as two fingers found their way inside, meeting my warmth with delicate exploration. A perfect whisper of a touch that was just enough to set off the sensitive, tickling responses in all the right parts. Edward's natural instinct with my body was divinely blasphemous.

He broke the mingling of our lips with hesitation to sweep my panties over my hips with ease. If it was even possible at this point, he managed to melt my wet centre further as he brushed them down the length of my legs. He planted a few beautiful little kisses on my chest and jaw before tilting his head inches from my face to look at me. Something in my eyes calmed him slightly, and he gave a soft but tentative smile before I felt the flutter of a little butterfly kiss from his eyelashes when he found his way to my ear, passing the lobe through his lips.

"I _need_ you too, Bella, I have to feel you, please princess, just tell me if I…"

I turned my head and sealed his lips with mine, as one of his hands found its home on my hip before he guided himself towards me. Finally, I felt his smooth hardness begin to enter me gently. He paused to brush a hand over the back of my hair, lifting my head and pulling the pillow further towards the nape of my neck to make me more comfortable.

"You okay?" he whispered, looking into my eyes as he rested my head back down.

"Perfect," I replied, convinced by the truth of my statement.

Seeming reassured, Edward pressed his erection further inside me, filling me completely. It was a connection so close, which I had desired for so very long.

His rhythmical motion was perfect and captivating as he began to move inside me. The feeling of his thrusts were enhanced through my body by brushes of his hand across my face, passionate kisses and lingering looks clearly revealing his lust. I could tell he was restraining the instinct of his force somewhat, and he wasn't mistaken that in the throes of the moment his strength was obvious. But any pain I felt was totally superseded and overwhelmed by the power of looking into Edward's eyes, watching his muscles ripple above me, knowing that he had chosen me. He had wanted me to be his. And in this moment I was more his than I had ever been.

I watched as his imminent climax washed over his face. The moment was powerful and I felt waves of the most intense euphoria flood through my own body. I thought I had felt an orgasm before in our few exploratory moments, but this was utterly incomparable. Edward's grip on my hip tightened further, but I forgot it as I felt him finally release, the beautiful sensation pulsating inside me. He closed the whisper of space between our faces, taking my bottom lip in his and drawing my mouth into a smothering kiss, intertwining our tongues. The whole experience became ethereal then. I felt nothing but Edward. No pain, no ability to function, just the sensation of Edward enveloping me entirely.

As he held me afterward, my systems lulled further into their overwhelmed stupor. I tried to fight the sleep that threatened to overcome my desire to remain present in this afterglow. I didn't want to miss a single moment, but soon enough I could tell I was going to lose the battle against the hormones running throughout me. I managed to re-gather Edward's eyes to mine. They were anxious as he searched my face.

"Are you sure you're okay, Bella? You're sure I didn't hurt you too much?" Edward whispered.

"I promise, I can't feel a thing other than that I love you, Edward. After tonight, it's pumping through my blood even more than before. I can't explain the rush. It's like, even when I'm sleeping, I can still feel that I love you," I whispered with conviction.

"I know that you do," he replied quietly with a dozy smile. "And I know that it's still there when you are asleep, because you tell me so in your dreams."

"I wish you wouldn't listen to my sleepy secrets," I mumbled, losing the fight against my eyelids. I snuggled closer in to his side and his arms tightened minutely around me.

"There's nothing of secret in your whisperings, love, the only secret is mine.

Buried within quite how much I love you back, with all my being, forever and for always."

-x-x-x-


	10. Keep Breathing

**A/N** I love my betas. That is all.

I give you a chance to opt out now if you don't deal well with dead-girl kinda stuff. Some of the upcoming chapters may be icky re losing children etc. But really, most of you have probably read much angstier stuff. You knew the fluff couldn't last, so suck it up and keep reading lovelies!

Thank you all for reading and reviewing. Thank you especially to those who have nominated me for the Indie Twific Awards, and to those of you who regularly keep me semi-sane. xxx

Cheers Stephenie M.

Song: 'You, My Love' By Marcus Foster.

-x-x-x-

**Keep Breathing**

_The feeling hits your heart like an arrow in the snow,  
Waking all the blood that's weeping in your veins.  
It's alright to think that you don't really know,  
Just how the world is gonna deal with your remains._

_Just how the world is gonna deal with your remains...  
_

_Well we cast another stone beneath the sad stained moon,  
And wait to find ourselves alone,  
In a room.  
And wait to find ourselves alone..._

…_If it's true, my love I've got to steal away  
I love you till my dying day…_

-x-x-x-

At least when I look back, I can say that I spent the last few months before my eighteenth birthday happy for the most part, and in love.

The time from when I settled back into Forks would always be the best of my life. I felt that the realisation of having truly known love before I died would leave me much more content in death. I'd had my own experience of love. I had felt it for myself, rather than looking to my parents for an idea or feeling it vicariously through books or film. However, this also meant that I was leaving behind so much more now. I had so much more to stay alive for. Edward and I making love had only cemented this reality further.

He slipped out of bed the following morning as Charlie was getting up along the hall. I stirred when I felt the kiss of cool lips on the bridge of my nose. My body still felt all tingly and on a relaxed high from my post love-making haze.

"Morning, brown eyes, I hope you're still feeling fine," he murmured, sounding concerned.

His arms were either side of my shoulders, his bare torso leaning over me.

"Mmm," I replied, folding myself into the sheets, "So much better than fine."

"I'll be back after breakfast," he said, not seeming convinced. "I'll drop you at Newton's."

He pulled his grey t-shirt on and finished buttoning his jeans, before finding his boots at the end of my bed.

"Call me right away if you're not fine," he said, straddling the ledge. "I love you," he added, as he disappeared out my window.

I sighed and rolled over onto my other side, twinging a little when my hip met the mattress. It seemed pointless talking to him while he was anxious: I would wait until I saw him again shortly to convince him of my mellow euphoria. I was undeniably lucky that he seemed to care so much, but there was a point at which my gratitude turned to guilt over his concern. I was certain one of these days he would all but kill himself with worry about me.

Hearing Charlie clattering in the kitchen, I got out of bed stiffly, stretching out before making my way to the bathroom. With the shower on I slipped off my nightdress, noticing my body in the mirror. The hip that had twinged earlier was actually coming out in a bit of a bruise, and there was another on my upper arm. It dawned on me that the only thing they could be from was last night. Yet while inspecting my thin, mottled frame, my only conclusion was that I quite liked the idea of having been marked by Edward.

I spent a long time in the shower, letting the sensation of the warm water running over my body put me into a daze. I couldn't help but think back to last night, filling my mind with the fantasy of possibility for Edward and me. A burst of cold from Charlie turning on another tap snapped me back to the present. I shut the water off and stepped out, finding myself grinning after I wrapped the huge soft towel around my shoulders. Quickly, I dressed and towelled my hair off before making my way downstairs.

"Hey, Dad," I said, entering the kitchen.

"Morning, Bells. Do we have any more paper towels? I dropped an egg," Charlie grumbled.

I chuckled at my dad's endearing difficulties in the kitchen. It was little things such as this that I would miss madly about him when I went away to college.

"Yeah, bottom of the pantry," I said, smiling.

Sitting down at the little kitchen table, I watched Charlie as he cleaned up his gooey mess.

"You want some scrambled eggs?" he questioned as he closed the bin.

"Are they crunchy?" I teased.

"Hopefully only the toast," he responded, sighing.

"Sure, love some," I said, cutting him some slack.

I skimmed the headlines of the morning paper while he readied my breakfast plate. A homicide investigation led the news.

"Is this what you were working on in Mason County?" I queried, reading the article. "What time did you get in last night?"

"More like this morning: it was 3am. No wonder I'm so clumsy today," he mumbled through his moustache.

"It sounds like it was tough work for the police, I hope it wasn't too awful," I worried, looking up from the paper to study Charlie's face.

"These cases are never pleasant, but my team was mostly tying up the loose ends, the worst of it was done by forensics," he said.

At that I decided to leave him to his breakfast, doubting that he would want to re-hash things much further. Although it was generally infrequent for a small town Chief, I hated that Charlie had to deal with these sorts of events at all. I worried about the toll it must take on him. He always seemed so strong, but it was hard to imagine that it wouldn't cut into his rugged exterior to some extent. He only brought small portions of it home with him: "Bells, never ever ride a motorcycle", "Bella, don't ever engage with strangers when alone", "Bella, wear your seatbelt, always carry pepper spray and don't forget a cell phone"; that sort of thing.

"You're working today, right? Do you want me to drop you, or has the Chevy righted itself again?" he questioned with a partial mouthful of eggs.

"It's been alright the last two days, but Edward is taking me today anyway," I said, unable to prevent the smile that came with his name.

Charlie sighed.

"Even I have to admit that that boy is pretty good to you. Don't tell him I said that though, father's job is to keep 'em on their toes," he nodded once to convey his authority. "How's wee Alice? Haven't seen her for a couple of days," he added.

"Ugh…she's been busy planning a party for me...I'm thrilled, of course," I grumbled.

"Oh, Bells, don't be a spoilsport. I'm sure Alice will make sure you have a blast," he said, somewhat unconvincingly.

We were interrupted by a strong knock at the front door. Jumping up from the table, I kissed Charlie on the forehead to thank him for breakfast then grabbed my bag and jacket from the hallway. The best thing about going to work when Edward was taking me was the moment when I opened the door. Chin down, his eyes would shift upward from their gaze on the concrete to find mine. When we made a connection, one side of his mouth would curl up, warming me to my centre. It was sultry and delicious, and I wasn't disappointed today.

In the months between school finishing and my birthday, I had increased my shifts at Newton's Outfitters. I was pleased to have some money coming in before starting college. Edward was doing a bit of work too, helping Carlisle with medical research and paperwork at the hospital, but not really for the money. I loved the flexibility and casual nature of those months with him without school. Simply being with Edward was comfortable and satisfying, like the day we spent back in July, just lying in his meadow. Aside from the declarations, dancing and moments of passion, I could never deny the gratitude I had simply for him being next to me.

Rose and Emmett went away for July, travelling across the country. I missed them a lot; their presence around the Cullen house was always so evident that it felt like a large amount of furniture had been removed from each room while they were away. I even missed Emmett's jokes and teasing, and especially the brotherly sensitivity that lay underneath his goofy exterior. Esme lost the slight edge she had been carrying since they left and everything settled quickly back into place on their return in August.

I loved watching Alice natter away with her mom about projects she had been helping with. Esme seemed to be enjoying the enthusiasm and help on her interior design concepts, and Alice certainly had her own skills that were getting put to successful use. It did make me pine for Renee's company somewhat, so I was pleased that I had a visit from her to look forward to shortly after my birthday.

I had been reluctant to make any decisions on college without knowing where things were going with Edward. I knew that it was irresponsible to put a decision on my future in the hands of a high school love, but I couldn't find it within me to fully commit to something that had the potential result of unwillingly separating me from him. Then there was Charlie…

When I decided to take a little more time and spend the fall quarter in Forks taking a few papers at the nearby college, I didn't really think Edward would stick around with me. To my utter shock we had both been accepted to Dartmouth and Washington State. I presumed that Edward would be keen to get out of Forks and started in his studies. He had tossed up between music and psychology; both fairly different paths, yet I imagined him excelling at either. In the end, he had settled on music, rationalising that it was a good time to do it as his inspiration was strong. The sideways look to me when he confirmed his decision turned my cheeks a rosy pink. However, this paled in comparison to the moment when he told me he was also going to wait until winter to begin at Washington in Seattle. I had nervously accepted a place in Washington's English course, meaning I wouldn't be too far from home. Edward said that he was in no hurry and could study music anywhere there was a decent piano. Outwardly, I cautioned him not to dampen down his dreams for me. Inwardly, my heart sung out with relief.

As we pulled up in the parking lot at Newton's that morning, I stretched up my arms to pull my damp hair into a messy ponytail. When I looked over at Edward, his eyes were dark and glazed. He was looking at my waist, when I realised that my shirt had ridden up, exposing the bruise on my hip.

I cut him off before he had a chance to berate himself.

"Edward, you can't wrap me in cotton wool and be there every time I stumble. Let alone blame every one of my troubles on yourself. I'm going to trip, or fall and make my own mistakes. I bruise easily…there will be plenty of things which might hurt me every now and again."

"This is different. _I_ did that to you Bella," he said with a pained expression.

"And I loved every minute of it, seriously, Edward."

"Don't make light of this Bella."

"No, Edward, _you_ don't. Don't ruin this for me. I loved that you gave yourself to me, and I have absolutely no regrets in being able to give everything to you. It's a few bruises, masked entirely by my happiness." I huffed as I finished, pleased with my spiel.

"I can't hurt you anymore," he whispered, looking at the steering wheel.

"What hurts me is watching you take this much responsibility for things," I said, deciding to continue my bluntness.

We sat quietly for a minute. I looked to his beautiful face, wanting nothing more than to see the inner peace which I felt inside, reflected in front of me in Edward's features.

"You can't protect me from everything," I implored, calmer now.

"It's my job to protect you," Edward rebutted.

I wasn't going to win.

Alice had come into the store shortly before my shift finished that afternoon, on the hunt for some kerosene for outdoor lamps. I heard her from across the aisles when she asked Mike Newton if I was around. I helped her find what she needed, and we finished up at the counter just before Edward pulled up outside. Thank goodness for Alice, as usual. With her company in the car, Edward couldn't fight the positive mood on the way home, effectively ending his morning angst.

A few days later I was lying with a book on a window seat in the piano room at Edward's. He was tinkering away while I read, which, in my mind, made for a pretty perfect way to spend an afternoon. I looked up when he stopped playing fairly abruptly.

"You know, I want to warn you, Bella…I know you said you didn't need presents from anyone, but…I may have gotten you something for your birthday," Edward said. I got the sense that there was an underlying excitement to his announcement.

There wasn't anything I desperately wanted or needed, so I had told my family and friends not to worry themselves or waste their money. With Edward it went slightly further than that. I couldn't imagine anything that I wanted him to give me, over and above himself. How could I let him give me things, when I had nothing to reciprocate with? He, for some unfathomable reason, wanted to be with me. Anything he gave me on top of that just threw us more out of balance.

"Edward, you shouldn't have. You've given me enough already," I said.

"I've hardly spent anything on you so far, love, it really doesn't bother me," he said, totally unfazed.

"It bothers _me_…I don't have anything to give you in return, at least not to the same extent as you," I mumbled, gazing out the huge window.

"Bella, you give me everything just by breathing," I heard him say.

I looked over at his tussled hair and soulful eyes staring at me across the corner of the black piano top. I bit down onto my bottom lip, before releasing it in a sigh. Who was I really kidding? I was powerless when I looked at him. I was unlikely to be able to turn away a gift he gave me. My affection towards him drew me across the wooden floor. He opened his arms to me and I sat down across his lap.

"Fine, I'll let you get away with it this time. But if it's big or ridiculous or expensive, then I'm leaving it at your house," I said, trying to sound firm and threatening.

-x-x-x-

When I turned eighteen, I woke in the morning to little kisses from Edward, and Alice bouncing on the end of my bed.

They left me to go home when Charlie and I headed off to the local diner for a birthday breakfast. He had eaten there a lot during the time I was living in Phoenix, and took me there on the few occasions when neither of us felt like cooking. When we finished our French toast, Charlie handed me a card. It seemed my 'no presents necessary' decree really had fallen on deaf ears, as inside it was a receipt for a deposit he had made into my bank account. I guess he presumed if it was a cheque I might feel guilty banking it, which was true.

"That's just something to say happy birthday, well done on graduating high school, and all the best for college," he told me as I gaped at it.

"Dad, this is way too much, I can't believe you did this."

"It's the least I can do. I didn't know how else to say I'm proud of you and want to support you," he replied, bumbling his last words.

Charlie wasn't that good at expressing his feelings, a trait I often shared with him. It was often a little awkward being a teenage girl with no siblings, living with a solo dad. We expressed what we could to each other, but a large amount went unsaid. I hoped how much I loved him was evident in my actions, as the same was certainly evident in his.

"Wow, thank you, Dad, so much. This is going to be so helpful," I said emphatically, moving around the table to hug him.

"Hopefully it makes it easier for you to pay for gas to drive back to visit when you finally go to Seattle," he said.

"I promise, Dad, no matter what, I'll always come home."

Edward and I spent a good part of the afternoon in Port Angeles. My birthday fell on a Saturday that September, and Alice's party was planned for that night. It was only supposed to be a small gathering, mostly just Edward's siblings, with a few school friends stopping by as well. I was pleased Alice had allowed me that relief at least, and hadn't invited half the town as she first suggested. Lucky for me, the Cullens seemed a largely private family; they were just extravagant in the smaller, more personal things if Alice had anything to do with them.

When I got back to my house with Edward late that afternoon, Rosalie and Emmett came over to deliver a bag from Alice. Apparently she was busy putting the finishing touches on things for tonight, so had delegated the task to Rose. She took me upstairs and unloaded some clothes and a small case of makeup and hair product. Nodding for me to sit down at my desk, she pulled my hair out of its ponytail, brushing it out then squirting a light mist over my head. She then turned me in my chair, wiped over my face with a toilette, dabbed on some moisturiser, gave my lashes a quick flick with a mascara wand and ran some tinted lip cream over my lips. She gave me a half smile when she appraised her work. I wondered if they thought I was incapable or if they just enjoyed it. I got the impression that it was the latter, and I was happy to oblige.

"Pop these on, doll," she said, holding the clothes out to me.

I looked at her with wonder. After our shaky start, it seemed Rosalie truly had warmed to me, but to a point. It was enough for me.

I got dressed in the little black pleated skirt and pulled a softly patterned green silky top over my bra. Rosalie stuck out her foot and nudged me my black Toms shoes which Alice had ordered for the two of us, pleased that I didn't have to wear heels like at prom. I slipped them on, before turning to Rosalie for approval. She simply nodded with another small smile, before gathering her things and going back downstairs.

Emmett and Edward gave me stunning Cullen-boy grins when I rejoined them in the lounge.

"Looking fine, Little Swan," Emmett said, nudging me lightly as he headed for the front door.

"We'll see you two shortly at home, Edward," he called out, tapping Rosalie's bottom playfully as she lead him out of the house.

After I had waited around to see Charlie again when he got back from his afternoon fishing, Edward and I headed back to his house in his Aston. My tummy started doing loops as we swept up the Cullen's long driveway. Alice had marked the route with bows and flame lanterns dotted through the bordering trees.

"Remember, I have no control when it comes to my sister. You got yourself in for this kind of thing when you let her befriend you," Edward cautioned me.

"I had no control then either, she accosted me," I said.

"For a tiny person, her accosting abilities are vast and powerful," he snickered.

"And surprisingly, I wouldn't want to change that about her. Who knows where I would be if she hadn't accosted me all those months ago," I mused.

With that, Alice bowled up to me as I got out of the car in the garage.

"Bella, Bella, It's time!" she trilled.

She kissed my cheek and took my hand, whipping me through the house. Bouncing down the stairs to the lounge in her little black ballet shoes, I followed behind her until she finally came to a stop at the bottom, allowing me a chance to take things in. The rest of the family stood and sat around the room, looking to me.

Everything was perfect. Candles warmed the room, sitting in bowls of water underneath floating bunches of small deep blue and silver balloons. Vases were filled with matching indigo blue bouquets of flowers, and a side table held a huge cake with fluffy white frosting.

I had had small parties and done nice things growing up for various birthdays. No one had ever done anything like this for me. Alice had gone to all this effort, just for me. I generally shied away from this sort of attention, but the care and thought meant that I could never shy away from anything my Alice did for me.

I looked up at Edward standing behind us on the steps, his eyes conveying an understanding of my appreciation. I looked back to Alice, her tawny eyes brilliant with excitement.

"It's okay, I know you love it, you don't have to say anything," she grinned at me.

"Alice, I will remember this moment forever. I am so lucky to have you, _thank _you," I said with sincerity, squeezing her thin, cool hand in mine.

"My pleasure, of course!" she buzzed, moving us further into the room. Edward followed and took his place on my other side.

"Let's have presents now, before anyone else comes over," Alice suggested.

"Presents? You can't give me all of this _and _presents guys. That's too much," I implored, embarrassed at their generosity. Esme spoke up then, coming over and rubbing my back.

"Don't be silly, Bella, you're like a third daughter to me and none of my children can go without gifts just because they've asked me not to get them anything," she said softly.

I couldn't argue with that, stunned at the way her and Carlisle so readily accepted me as part of their family. It wasn't just Edward I was attached to; it was now clearly everyone who was a part of his life as well.

Carlisle handed me a flat square box wrapped in deep blue paper and tied up with a black and silver bow. I loved how Alice kept everything to theme: she must have been a birthday-nazi this week.

"Happy Birthday, Bella," Carlisle said in his smooth voice, "From all of us."

"Like I said to Edward, you shouldn't have, but thank you, this is all so amazing," I replied truthfully, scanning the room.

Perching down on an ottoman, I looked at the parcel before gathering the courage to open the wrapping. My mouth dropped when I lifted the lid of the blue box. Inside lay a gorgeous white-gold Belcher bracelet. Fixed to it were seven charms.

"There's one from each of us," Alice told me, smiling softly.

Jasper crouched down next to me and pointed out who the shiny little gold charms were from. There was a horse shoe from him, a delicate angel from Alice, a high heel shoe from Rosalie, a teddy bear from Emmett, a little house from Esme, a book from Carlisle…and a heart, from Edward. The heart had a tiny clear cut stone in the centre, and Alice's angel was studded as well. I hoped silently that they weren't diamonds, while certain that they would be.

I was speechless. I just stared at the bracelet in my hands, fingering it and the intricacies of the charms.

"Would you like me to help you put it on, darlin'?" Jasper asked.

I slowly broke my gaze from the bracelet to his warm, pale face.

"Oh…sure," I said, handing him the bracelet and holding out my wrist.

It looked even more beautiful when he had it fastened. I expected it to be heavy on my thin arm, but instead it just felt like it was meant to be there.

"I can't thank you all enough, I truly love it," I said, getting up to hug them all in gratitude.

We sat around chatting for a bit, before we were joined by a few other visitors. A lot of our class had already headed off to get settled in to their various colleges or travel. Angela and her boyfriend Ben arrived first, handing me a present and giving me hugs and birthday wishes. Mike and Eric were still around working in Forks and arrived at the Cullen's place together with Jessica. I could tell they were all agape at the house and its beautiful décor. The surroundings made all the more spectacular with the fairy lights dotted amongst the first three rows of trees in the woods, and the flame lamps lighting the garden. I realised that it must have been those lamps that Alice required her kerosene for. She was such a resourceful little thing. I looked across to her, handing around nibbles to the new guests, playing the host with an excited smile. I loved that sweet little minx. I noted to myself to remind her so at the end of the night.

Shortly after Esme and Carlisle left us for their bedroom, Jacob and his good friend Embry arrived. I was surprised to see him, as he hadn't sounded particularly warm to the idea when I had spoken about the party on the phone that morning. I met him at the edge of the room, telling him I was pleased he decided to come.

"We can't stay long, there is a tribe gathering happening tonight at the Res. The elders are expecting us to be there. I wanted to stop in and give you this, though," Jacob said.

"Man, I'm not going to bother telling people not to give me gifts anymore, they still do it anyway!" I said, accepting the parcel from him.

When I opened it a beautiful old leather book was revealed. I studied it with curiosity, flicking through the off color pages.

"It's a story written by one of my ancestors, a mix of fact and fiction set around La Push and the Olympic Peninsula. I thought you might like to try a love story with local history," he explained.

"That's so unique, Jacob, thank you, I don't have anything like this," I said, smiling at the book in my hands, then up at him.

True to his word, he stayed for about quarter of an hour before heading back to La Push. My other friends stayed for a couple of hours, and seemed to enjoy themselves once they settled in to the unfamiliar environment. The fancy champagne that Carlisle and Esme had subtly left a couple of bottles of, and then turned a blind eye to, probably helped no doubt. There were plenty of jokes and stories, and even a little dancing as the night wore on.

After the guests had left, the six of us continued, laughing and teasing while Jasper and Edward amused us with the guitar and piano. The couples parted ways about the time when I started yawning around two in the morning. Alice squeezed me so tight for someone with such nonexistent arms, that I thought my champagne belly might burst. I whispered another thank you and that I loved her, and I was sure she looked so chuffed with my appreciation that she wanted to tear up. Jasper took my hand gently in his and placed a gentle kiss on it with his cool lips. "Happy birthday, darlin'," he crooned. Emmett punched me as gently as he was capable in the shoulder. I gave him a look of disgust, so he grabbed me under one arm and twirled me in a circle, before replacing me on my feet and mussing my hair as he said happy birthday once again. Edward had to steady me as I wobbled off centre from dizziness.

When we were alone, Edward took me back to the sofa and produced something from his pocket. He held it out to me and gave me a nod of encouragement to take it. Taking it from him, I pulled open the fine chord of the little black velvet bag. In it was a plastic key, attached to a leather key ring with branding on it.

"What's this?" I questioned, looking up to his face.

"It's a key," he replied, as if it was terribly obvious.

"I can see it's a key…but what does it do?" I continued.

"It acts in place of a real key until it arrives. That key will unlock the car that is being delivered for you in a week's time," he explained, somewhat cautiously this time.

My eyes popped out of my head and my brow-line met my hairline. I started gabbling in shock.

"You've got to be kidding me Edward, this is _wayyyy_ too much. I can't accept it at all," I said, before he cut me short.

"Look, I don't want to embarrass you with it. I just can't bear the thought of you driving that truck in its current condition. I can't see it lasting much longer. And there is no way it would make it to Seattle. If you ever have to drive back here to visit Charlie without me, then I need to know that you're safe, and that you can get back to me faster than at fifty miles an hour," he explained. "Think of it however you please: pretend it's not yours; leave it in my garage at night and I'll drop you back home if you don't want it in your yard. But I want to do this for you. Let me do this for you."

I didn't know what else to do, so I closed the gap between us, and wrapped my arms around him, squeezing.

Gradually he pulled away, still keeping me close and taking me in with his eyes. He brushed his hand around my face, cupping my cheek.

"You're _beautiful_ Isabella Swan," he said to me in a loaded voice.

I melted from the overwhelming experience this day had been, as our lips met, our bodies twisted together, and we sunk down into the sofa.

On my eighteenth Birthday, Edward kissed me and told me he loved me. It was all I really wanted from him, but he was always giving me more.

-x-x-x-

From my experiences with Edward and the Cullens, I now firmly believed that love and friendship went hand in hand. Jacob held my past. Because of what that meant for my future he would always hold a role as my best friend. Or at least I hoped he would. Despite things changing between us, I was certain I could always go to Jacob, when I needed something or just to hang out. So I guess I had three best friends, who all filled different roles in my life. The 'friend' best friend kind; the 'lover' best friend kind; and the 'girlfriend' best friend kind in Alice. It was Edward, however, who had become my world.

Initially, when I discovered this feeling, I was worried that I was doing a disservice to Jake. He had been so much to me that I felt like loving someone else so fully was ignoring the part of me that belonged to Jacob. I gradually learnt however, that the love I had for Jacob would always hold strong as an undercurrent running within me. It was just that Edward coursed through me more fully in such a way that he was insurmountable, in that any other of my feelings or senses could not overwhelm him.

I had long realised that what Jake and I had would not function so purely if there was a romantic element. Whilst he may have wanted that at some point, I hoped that we both valued too strongly the amazing thing it was to have the other in our lives the way we did. In the midst of the sudden intensity of my relationship with Edward, I decided I should make a concerted effort to ensure I did not lose Jacob underneath it all.

Despite their clash, Edward was indifferent towards Jacob, so long as I was happy and Jake wasn't causing me any grief. And I was happy, for certain. There was just a tiny part of me that knew things were not quite sitting soundly with me and Jacob, and I wasn't comfortable leaving it that way and pretending it wasn't undamaged. Before more things changed for us all and I started college, I needed to take it upon myself to try and repair us, whatever the consequences. The slight dent in Jacob which I had made back on New Year's Eve had to be finally mended for good.

Taha wandered out to greet me when I pulled up at Jacob's in my truck, the Sunday after my party. The Black's dog had grown up with Jacob and me, so I was always as pleased to see him still going strong as he was to see me.

"Hey ol' boy," I said, mussing up the scruff of his neck. He rewarded me with loving eyes and a little moan of enjoyment.

"Bells!" I heard from the porch of the little red house. I looked up to see a familiar russet torso bolt down the steps towards me.

"Where've you been all my life?" he said, grabbing me into a hug.

"What do you mean, Jake, I saw you just last night?" I replied.

"Yeah, I know," he said, before drooping in mood a little. "It just feels like you're not really here anymore."

Comments like that were precisely why I needed to clear the air with Jacob, to make sure we both knew where we stood. I had tried once after the bonfire incident, but he brushed me off. I got the impression at the time that he thought I was going to remove him completely from my life now that I had Edward. By delaying the conversation, I think he felt he could hang onto me for longer.

"Walk with me?" I asked.

He moved in beside me as I turned and headed through the grass. We were silent until we reached the pebbly sand and began to head along the shore.

"Jacob, I want to clear something up, and I need you to let me. Okay?"

"I guess," he replied, so I continued.

"You know what a huge part of my life you have been...that you still are. You always will be. I don't ever want to lose our friendship," I began, sceptical already as to how this was going to go.

He looked down at the sand as we walked, scuffing into it with his toes a little.

"I need you. I can't choose to not have you in my life. But at the same time, I'm going to be with Edward. I guess, I need you to either support me, or find it in you to at least...I don't know...just accept things somehow? You still have me, but I have him as well," I said, hoping it made a dime of sense.

He didn't say anything yet; he just looked to be thinking things through, so I continued to think aloud.

"The thing is, Jake, I don't really see what the difference with Edward is. I mean, compared to me being friends with anyone else or being with someone…like Tyler for example," I rambled.

"Tyler I could handle," Jacob finally spoke. "Despite your risky indifference to the relationship, I could tell things weren't going far enough for you to really, really be hurt. This, this is different. It began so strangely, and it's so intense already. I just don't see how that can be healthy. I know I'm no expert, but I know you, Bells. At least, I think I do. I used to," he finished, looking away again.

"You still know me, Jake. I haven't changed," I told him.

"How much do you really know about him, Bella, really? Because it seems to me that you have flown straight ahead into this thing, without looking to see if there is any frosting on the clear glass you think is in front of you," Jacob said.

I looked at his face, perplexed by that analogy coming from him, and getting slightly angry with his stubbornness on the matter.

"I'm not going to justify my knowledge of who he is to you, Jake. Why can't you just trust my instincts?" I implored.

"Because I think your instincts have been fluffed over by a girly attraction. And...because I think I now know more about me, about us," he said, drifting a little on his last words.

"What do you know?" I asked. He was looking down at the sand again.

"That I love you. That we've worked together for all these years, up until he came along," he said.

I was a little stunned by his confession. Because that's what it seemed like. He wasn't telling me that he loved me like I loved Charlie or Alice, it felt stronger than that.

"I love you too, but we're talking about a different love. I know that you know deep down we weren't going to be together in that way, that we wouldn't just settle. I mean, we work, and I love you, but I know we can both have more.

"What about simplicity and happiness?" he asked me.

"Jacob, I can't _be _happy without him."

"You've never tried," he disagreed. "You could be happy with me."

"I have been happy with you, Jacob, but I was never complete. It was different. You kept me ticking along, but I was never really _living_. Now that I know what this feels like, I don't want to be happy with anyone but him."

"I could be healthier for you. Not a drug; I would have been the air, the sun."

I was understanding more how Jacob saw Edward, and I knew he was right. He was a drug to me. I softened my resolve a little and looked to him.

"You know that's how I used to think of you. Like the sun. My personal sun. You balanced out the clouds nicely for me."

He sighed. "The clouds I can handle. But I can't fight with an eclipse."

Whilst Jacob would probably be perfect and loving, and never do me wrong, he was right. He just couldn't compete with Edward. Even I felt powerless to ever overcome his hold on me. Not that I could foresee wanting to. I suppose that was what had Jacob's protective nature firing: the intensity at which I had succumbed to loving Edward.

We were quiet for a moment before meeting eyes. He looked hurt, yet resolved. I shouldn't be surprised that he would still be stubborn, despite my explanations. This wasn't really going as I had hoped.

"I understand that you want both Edward and me to co-exist. I'm just not ready to trust him yet. You know the thing with an eclipse? It passes. The sun comes back eventually. I don't want to give up on this yet, Bella. I won't give up on you."

"Don't do this Jake, don't make me choose. Because it'll be him. It's always been him."

I watched as my words cut in. I came to repair a dent, but had probably just hammered it in worse than before. But it was the truth. As much as I may love Jacob, he needed to know.

If only I had known, however, that it would be one of the last things I would say to him.

In three days, I would be dead.

-x-x-x-


	11. Here Comes The Night

**A/N **In follow up to last chapter's heads up that the angst was coming, my betas and I now warn you that this chapter is dark and violent. If you don't do dark and violent then please don't read it and then get cross with me afterwards.

Most humble thanks to elusivetwilight, cereuleanblue and Stephenie Meyer (here I further depart from her PG13 ways).

Here we go lovelies…

Song: 'All I Need' By Mat Kearney

**Here Comes The Night**

_The water is rising on a river turning red  
It all might be ok or we might be dead  
If everything we've got is slipping away  
I meant what I said when I said until my dying day  
I'm holding on to you, holding onto me  
Maybe it's all gone black but you're all I see  
You're all I see_

-x-x-x-

Fate was a funny thing. It would always surprise me how one seemingly inconsequential thing could come into play, leading to other little unrecognised details falling into place. Eventually these details aligned, resulting in a pivotal moment that could be the difference between life, and death.

My birthday had been nothing short of magical. I was elated with the knowledge that I was surrounded by such fantastic people in my life. Even Jacob counted in this, despite our current impasse. Our issue was largely just that he cared, to a fault. I couldn't find it in me to hold that against him. Now, I had the Cullens as well as the Blacks. The Cullens' generosity was like nothing I had ever known before. They had so willingly accepted me into their lives, treating me as one of the family while expecting nothing of me in return. As an only child who had spent so much of my life living with a solo parent, the instant extension to my family which I had gained, first through my friendship with Alice, and then my relationship with Edward, was a remarkable fortune.

Whilst Renee had often been absent in physical presence, she had a knack for showing how well she truly knew her daughter in her own sporadic ways. I was so looking forward to her visit after my birthday; she had been texting and calling, counting down the days and chatting about things we should do while she was in Forks. I shuddered to think now of how she would feel about not having gotten to see me before all of this. It hit me in the chest and scattered me in pieces when I realised the same went for me. I hadn't seen her since graduation. I found myself with a childlike need for my mom. I wanted her to take me in her arms, wipe away the pain and whisper stories to me under her quilt. I just wanted a chance for us to say goodbye.

Then there was Charlie, my silent supporter for eighteen years, who had bared a little of himself to me with his words on my birthday. He had also gifted me something that was his way of showing me that he supported me and wanted to help. I couldn't ask for anything more in a father. I appreciated the fact that he wasn't overbearing, always subtle in his guidance. He allowed me find my own way, but was always there if I needed him. To some, he was nonchalant, to me it was just unabashed Charlie. It probably helped that we were very similar people, and I had the utmost respect for him. As I grew older, I knew he would always hold a special place in my heart. Growing older just wasn't an option in it any longer.

Alice had been a little off after my party. I worried she thought I hadn't enjoyed it but she said it was nothing like that at all. She simply mentioned that a part of her just felt 'off'. She had an ache in her bones that told her she had forgotten something or that something was going to happen. She tried to shake it away. I wondered now if I had more to do with it than either of us anticipated. I hoped furiously that she would be okay. My Alice; a simple thought of her increased the tears that were damming up in my eyes. She would make me feel better if she were here. Her insurmountable presence, her quirky ways and her absorbing beauty would have soothed me. She had an endearing nature in the way she created relationships, and I had always been fascinated with her incredibly subtle yet powerful relationship with Edward.

Edward: said as though an afterthought, when in reality it was because the best was always saved for last. He came to me at the end of my short life and gave it meaning I never expected. My days began and ended with Edward. My love began with him; my life ended with him. I knew collectively the Cullens would each bring a particular character trait to the group that would hold them all together. Carlisle would continue to be the backbone; Esme the nurturer. Yet still instinct told me there was a possibility that none of what his family could give would be enough for Edward. Knowing all of the responsibility which he took on his own shoulders, he would find a way to blame himself for this, whether warranted in the circumstances or not. My biggest fear was what this would do to him.

All I could do was be thankful that the experiences of my last months happened at all, but I couldn't allow myself to think of it too much. Questioning the loss of it all would provide me with very little that I could change. I wouldn't ask questions, yet. I couldn't allow myself to miss them yet either. Not _really_ miss them in a manner that was any more than superficial. That way of missing would mean that I had accepted that I would never be with them again. I was in no way ready to allow myself to believe that.

Now, it seemed that all there was for me was a kink in the fabric that had been my life; a cruel twist of fate that had me alone. I sensed that this would be what defined me. Not my family, my friends, my school life, my interests. It would be my death.

-x-x-x-

Three days after my eighteenth birthday, my fates aligned.

It dawned a perfect day. Rays of morning sun cracking through the blinds stirred me from my sleep, and as I shifted slightly to ease some stiffness I felt a beautiful reminder. There was a delicate tickle against the skin of my stomach where Edward's hand rested, tucked under the hem of my singlet.

We hadn't made love since that first night. I wasn't too concerned yet; I think Edward was just biding his time, reassuring himself that I truly was okay and not regretful in any way. I took solace in the intimacy of the time that had followed that night. His kisses and caresses were beautiful, his touch near constant. The way he held me told me that whilst he may be cautious, it would not be long before we would lose ourselves in each other again.

I lay there relishing in another morning of waking to his touch, before I decided to break the comfortable silence.

"Are we still in Forks? Surely that's not sun I can see through the blinds?" I said to Edward.

"Mm, it may be, but it's not going to last, Alice said there was more rain coming tonight," he replied, kissing my neck softly from behind me. "So, I think I've been volunteered to help Esme today. I don't know how long it will take…will you be okay filling the day without me love?" he said, stroking my stomach where his hand rested.

"Of course, Edward, you can't neglect your family to entertain me for a day," I replied with certainty.

"Ok, well how about you make your way over this evening. I'm sure we'll be done by around six. I guess you can always come earlier and hang out with Alice if she's around," he mused.

"Around six sounds fine, I'm looking forward to it already," I said, rolling over to face him. To my disappointment, he was already dressed and lying on top of the covers.

"Me too, Bella, me too," he whispered, longingly.

Edward pushed himself up from the bed when he heard Charlie walk along the hall towards my room. He didn't need to go any further though, since we heard him pause and then head for the stairs after just reaching my bedroom door.

"Ok love, I hope you have a good day," he smiled. It lit a spark inside me every time I saw that face.

He headed across the room to the window before stopping in his tracks.

"God, how could I forget," he scolded himself, shaking his head.

"Forget what?" I asked, sitting up in bed concerned.

"The best part of my morning," he replied, turning back to me.

He walked back across the room to the bed. When he reached me he moved his hand to run it through my hair to the nape of my neck, drawing me in to close the space between our faces.

He looked into my eyes, his own hooded with purpose and revealing his intensity. They slipped closed as he introduced my lips to his with a delicious delicacy. He gave me a moment to wake up to the movement, when really my body was already blooming and alive as soon as he had touched his hand to my head. I literally saw stars behind my eyes as I breathed him in and gave my mouth over to his control.

When he broke away we were both panting a little, and he gave a little laugh at my flustered face. Pressing a final kiss to my forehead, I watched as he moved smoothly back to the window. With one hand on the frame and one foot on the sill, he turned his face back to me again, causing a tingle to rush down my spine as I took in his jaw line, his smooth lips, his unfathomably deep eyes.

"I'll miss you, Bella. Be safe," he said, the intensity of his eyes echoed in his smooth voice. With that, he was gone.

I was surprised at how I managed to fill the day, and the time passed fairly quickly. I plugged my iPod into my speakers and got lost in music while I tidied up my room, making sure my desk space was ready for any college work I had to do once I started. I baked Charlie a batch of his favourite cookies and then, because I was concerned about all his long hours and grisly work lately, I made his favourite muffins as well. I called Renee, but left a message when I got no answer. Her text shortly after said that she was at a lunch for Phil's team so she would call tonight. The end of the message was her countdown to seeing Bella: two sleeps. I looked out the window hoping to laze out on the grass for a while, but Edward had been right and the patchy morning sun had turned into a cool, grey day. I took some books and headed to the couch, reading for an hour or so before falling asleep. I woke up to a text message alert from Alice on my phone.

_R u lookin after yourself without us missy? Hope so. Boys are at a house Esme is doing. _

They must think I'm a real klutz or a total hazard magnet on my own. I thought it was unwarranted myself…

_Wat is it with u Cullens & your worry for my safety? Goin on a cliff walk altho think it might rain. Might find some wildlife in the woods…_

The reply was instant.

_U better b bloody kidding me Bella. Don't tease me, I'll come & get u. Rose isn't doin anything, she can babysit u…_

_U kno I'm kiddin Alice, easy on the threats. Didn't even burn myself bakin cookies this morn._

_Good. I love u. Bring your tolerant face tonight. Rose & I are doin manicures. _

It was around three o'clock when I decided to head to the shops to get some new stationary for college and a few groceries. When I got in my truck to make the short drive to the town center, I ended up with my forehead pressed on the steering wheel in frustration. It was taking forever for the engine to turn over and start, not to mention that it had cut out completely the day before, when stopped at an intersection.

Charlie thought that it was fixable, and there were probably a couple of parts that had worn out quickly due to the truck's age. Jacob would surely have it sorted with no trouble, considering he knew the old Chevy inside out. Unfortunately, I didn't really fancy bowling up to La Push to get him to look at it just yet. I felt he was probably in strong need of some time without me troubling him after our somewhat heated discussion on the beach. As much as I had felt guilty at Edward's generosity in ordering me a new car, I supposed now that it was going to be a very useful gift when it arrived in a couple of days time.

I loved my truck and all its character, but I resolved that I'd had enough of doing battle with it for that week. I would let it sit for a couple of days before seeing if Jacob was opposed to a visit from me. When I got back from town, I called Edward on his cell to ask if he would be able to pick me up from home that afternoon.

When I reached him, he was still pretty busy, out with Emmett heading away from Forks on more errands for Esme. I didn't want to be a hassle or interrupt them helping her; Edward was always planning things around me, and given the generosity of his family lately I wanted to make sure he did this for his Mom. So, despite his protesting and wanting to help me, we stuck to the original plan that I would just drive over, and he would be back at the house not too long after I got there. Emmett said in the background that if I drove the truck over then he would have a look at the engine for me. Actually, he said if I drove "that old piece of crap over". My poor truck took a lot of flack, which I suppose was unsurprising given the Cullen's garage probably valued at close to a cool million. I was so out of my league.

I told Edward I loved him before I hung up the phone. In a few hours, I would be really, really glad that I had ended the call by telling him those words.

I filled a little more time, putting my new stationary on my desk and the groceries away. I stood in the kitchen daydreaming as I ate an apple before looking at the clock and deciding I may as well head over to the Cullens. I changed into a clean pair of jeans and the blue shirt Alice had chosen me when we first met. I slipped on a pair of flats and grabbed a jacket for when the temperature would drop with the twilight. Before I left the house, I scribbled a note for Charlie.

_Going to Edward's for the evening, I'll be home later, not sure when._

_Dinner in the fridge – macaroni and cheese. _

_Heat in the oven for 20 mins._

_Love you,_

_Bells x_

_P.S. check the tupperware in the pantry… x_

I was amazed when my truck started on only the second go, but it turned out that it was too good to be true. As I was winding around the wooded state highway that eventually lead to the entrance of the Cullen's long driveway, the engine of my tomato red Chevy started smoking and making a wheezing sound, slowing to a bare crawl. It seemed it was finally giving up on me. I managed to edge it across to the side of the road before the engine puttered out completely.

"Great, just great," I said aloud to myself, huffing in my seat when it wouldn't start again.

I turned off the key and flung the door open, stomping around to the front. I managed to pop the hood and lift up the heavy piece of metal. I had my head under it, looking in vain at a myriad of unnameable parts amongst the steam, when I heard a man's voice close behind me.

"Hi sugar," it sleazed.

"Fuck!" I spat, as I hit my head above me. I turned to look at who had startled me, thinking it must be one of the boys from school.

"Oh, sorry to startle you. I've seen you around town; can I help you with your vehicle troubles?"

He looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn't place where from. He was too old to be from my class and I didn't recall seeing him around town as he had me.

"No thanks, I'll be fine. My father is chief of police and he's on his way to help now," I lied.

The shrill ring of my phone coming from the truck cab pierced the air. It was then that I realised you could cut the tension around us with a knife. My gut tightened in response as alarm bells went off in my head. I had to get to that phone. I glanced at the truck, trying to appear casual.

"That could be him now, I'd better answer that," I said, attempting a confident tone.

He reached out and took my arm as I went to walk past him.

"It's okay, he doesn't need to come. I'm happy to help you," he said, his voice saccharine sweet.

I looked at him sideways then. I didn't like the way he was looking at me at all. To say that it gave me the skeevies was an understatement.

"I should still get it, he would worry," I told him, not meeting his eyes. My voice cracked slightly when I said the word worry. I attempted to move away again. My flight or fight systems were now voting. Flight won.

Flight wasn't going to happen easily. With my attempt, his gentle hand became a tightened grip. The pressure made my upper body wince, contorting in towards him trying to get some leverage to twist away from the source of pain.

He didn't wait a beat then.

"Fuck, Bella, you could make this easy for the two of us," he snarled at me.

Fuck. He knew my name. How the hell did he know my name? I never told him my name. My need to get away was like a bolt of lightning through my body then, as I instantaneously flung out at him trying to break his hold.

He was much stronger than I had anticipated. He used my arms against me to flick my body around so he held my wrists in a vice grip, meaning that my back was pulled in close to his chest. His breathing was heavy, the feel of it on my head making me shudder. I felt a curl of nausea in the pit of my stomach as he spoke.

"So pretty…it's such a shame really. I would keep you. But it's so out of my control. I have no control. No control," he said, his stilted sentences giving him away for the lunatic he most likely was.

I wasn't sure if he was trying to explain himself to me, or if he was justifying his impending actions for his own peace of mind. I gritted my teeth, his words making me feel ill.

When he pulled out a knife and ran the flat side of the cold blade down my cheek, I wretched and vomited, causing him to release me. It wasn't long enough for me to get away though, as he shoved me to the ground and kicked me hard in the ribs with his boot, before slamming into me with a punch to my temple.

My head was spinning as I rolled and attempted to push myself up off the concrete when he moved away momentarily. It was then that I heard a startled sound from my attacker and a scuffle above me. Before I could raise my heavy head to look at what was happening, I was knocked back down to the ground. Whatever had connected with the back of my head rendered me unconscious.

When I came to, I managed to focus my eyes on him briefly. He looked roughed up, but the blaze in his eyes told me he wasn't dampened in his desire to meet his goal. He yanked me up by my shirt and hair, pulling me to him. As I attempted to wake my body up to fight by pushing against his chest, he panicked and drove his hand into my gut aimlessly before pulling away. With the small space between us, I managed to connect my knee to his groin, causing him to keel over and grab at himself in pain.

Clutching at where he had impacted with my stomach, I saw my opportunity and hobbled towards the Chevy. I dove in, reaching out for my phone on the passenger side and managed to hit the call button before he grabbed me and dragged me along the seat by my ankles. I looked longingly at the blood covered charm bracelet on my outstretched arm, before my eyes widened in panic when I noticed I was leaving a deep red smear across the leather. He let me thud to the ground, crushing my hip with the impact on the concrete. I cried out as blood rushed through my veins to the bruising area, causing the nearby blow to my stomach to burn now as well. Remembering the marks on the seat, I pressed my hand to where I though he had connected and was met by the warm, sticky seeping of blood. The slit in my shirt told me he had finally got me with the knife. The amount of blood on my hand told me it was deep.

If there was any ounce of luck supporting my survival, then hopefully my cell phone would be ringing through to my last dialled number. While he was standing over me, working out what to do next, I recalled that the last number I used was Alice's. I had phoned and left a voice message telling her I was heading over a little early. She was normally pretty perceptive, so I could only hope that when she answered to blankness she would catch on that something wasn't right.

He stepped over me then and leaned into my truck. He obviously misjudged my state and tenacity as I lay there looking defeated on the gravel. I mustered all the remaining strength I could find and pushed myself up. Shocked at my achievement, I ran as well as I could on my aching hip towards the brush on the side of the road, hoping that I might be able to lose him in the woods. In hindsight I should have run along the road. Less obstacles for me to stumble upon and more chance of finding help. I hated hindsight. It never really did anyone any good. I made it across the small ditch but tripped soon after on an exposed tree root. My leg twisted so awkwardly that I was sure the large crack I heard could only be a bone breaking. The burning that seared through my ankle and up the limb made me scream in contorted agony. As my front connected with the hard ground I wanted to burst into tears, not out of fear or pain but anger. Anger at my clumsy inability to save myself. Anger for getting myself into this situation in the first place.

My eyes blurred with the impending tears as my brain ached with pain and horror. I hoped that I was passing out, but, to my disappointment, I didn't lose consciousness. My moment of pity clearing, I regained awareness of my surroundings when he was dragging me back to the road. He stopped, turning me over to my back, and through brief openings of my eyelids, I saw him looking at his handy work. He patted at his pockets and looked around on the ground, seeming to have misplaced something. If it had stayed misplaced, I wouldn't have felt a cold blade cut across my forearm, the blood swelling to the surface and running over as he experimented with the now crimson steel.

Thank God my body's defences finally shut down most of the sensation in my skin at that point. I went numb. I tried to block the whole thing out. I willed my eyes to stay shut and for my mind to take me somewhere else. I didn't know if I was making noise, or if it was just that he didn't want to look at my face while he murdered me. As he smothered my face with his arm, I saw what I needed the most in that moment. Under stress and shrouded in heavy emotion, my mind did me a favor and took me to a place of comfort. The loss of blood and lack of oxygen and vision probably assisted in my hallucinations, but through some small grace my mind managed to find me a piece of heaven in the midst of hell.

Edward.

His dark eyes were looking at me, imploring me to stay calm, to hold on.

I didn't know if I could hold on for him much longer. I just wanted to get away from here, from this monster.

I don't think I was afraid to die; whatever happened, wherever we went. I would still rather be the one here, going through this, if it meant my family and friends were safe. If Edward was safe. I prayed he wasn't interested in torturing anyone else I knew. I hoped it ended with me. I guess that dying in the place of someone I loved, seemed like a good idea at the time.

My mind was finally giving me relief from awareness of what he was doing. Behind the wafting vision of Edward, it tricked me into hearing the strong, guttural engine of the Aston Martin approaching and taking a bend in the highway. I knew incapacitated on the ground that my fight was over, no matter how much I wished that my current hallucinations could be my reality again. After allowing myself to be lulled into a fleeting falsehood, my body now naturally started to give way to the inevitable. I became aware of the horrible feeling of blood pooling underneath me. He had taken it so far that by now I actually wished he would just finish the job. I'd had enough. Let it be quick now, was all I could hope as the flow of blood from my head began to suck my consciousness away for good.

When my eyes flickered open one last time and I didn't see him above me, the more sensible and hopeful part of my soul thought I might still make it through this.

But I was mistaken in my musings.

The waves of pain that had only lapped at me before now reared high up and washed over my head, pulling me under.

I did not resurface.

-x-x-x-


	12. Hold On

**A/N **Thank you all for your awesome reviews for the last chapter. They came in so quickly after I posted and I loved some of the reactions, despite the icky subject matter. We are definitely in an angsty space for a while.

The title of this refers to the Sarah McLachlan lyric _'Hold on, hold on to yourself, this is gonna hurt like hell'_.

Immense gratitude as always to elusivetwilight and cereuleanblue xx

Song: 'Carry You Home' By James Blunt

**Hold On**

_As strong as you were, tender you go.  
I'm watching you breathing for the last time.  
A song for your heart, but when it is quiet,  
I know what it means and I'll carry you home.  
I'll carry you home.  
If she had wings she would fly away,  
And another day God will give her some.  
Trouble is the only way is down.  
Down, down._

-x-x-x-

I had never given much thought to how I would die.

I would never have imagined it like this. On the side of the highway at dusk.

Murdered.

My killer approached on the premise of helping me, when he wasn't really there to help me at all. What I really didn't expect was quite how cold and callous his intentions actually were.

As soon as the truck had sputtered to a stop my hand was dealt to me, and there were no cards I could play. All I held was a twisted fate, culminating in my life now resembling a nineties horror movie.

-x-x-x-

After the world had disappeared around me, shrouded in blackness and pain, the next lucid moment I had was that he was really there and I was actually seeing him, no hallucination this time.

"Edward!" I yelled as the driver's door of the Aston flew open. Emmett came bursting out of the passenger side.

"Bella!" Edward cried. I swear I heard his body cracking like marble through his voice.

"Edward, it's okay. I'm okay now that you're here," I implored.

He didn't respond to me.

It was like I wasn't there. He looked terrified, yet he didn't come straight to me. I looked around. I was standing on the road. My truck was where it had stopped, hood still up. Edward had pulled up a few metres away behind it. The driver's door of my truck was open; I could see the streak marks of blood I had left across the seat and door panel when _he_ had dragged me.

Edward ran past where I stood calling to him, choosing, instead, to head towards the back of the Chevy. I followed after him, moving closely behind Emmett. As I approached around the corner of the truck, Edward collapsed in front of us. His knees crumpled, giving out beneath him as he fell to the ground. It was as if the gravel was absorbing him like quicksand; the frailty I had just witnessed so foreign to the strong figure he always seemed. He reached down in front of him pulling something carefully to his body.

"Oh, fuck, Edward..." I heard Emmett say, a mix of trepidation and empathy in his voice. "Little Swan," he murmured.

"She's still warm, but she's not breathing and I can't hear her heart," Edward said shakily. It was far from the lyrical tone of his voice that usually made my ears sing. He wasn't looking at Emmett when he spoke. His head was down, shaking with denial.

I walked further around past Emmett so I could get a better view of what was going on, why they kept on talking about me, but not to me.

When I saw the scene unfurling in front of me I began to wretch, bringing up nothing other than the return of the sickly taste of blood to my tongue.

It seemed that the Aston Martin my tortured mind had heard rounding a bend had actually been there. It must have been the reason for my killer's disappearance when I had last opened my eyes. It all clicked into place. Edward and Emmett had come skidding to a stop in the beautiful gunmetal grey car just a moment too late. I was sure if they had been a scant minute earlier I would have seen Edward's face and that alone would have been enough to keep my heart beating a little longer. But my eyes had closed just before the car had stopped. A second later my heart faded out, along with everything else. That's where all went blank. A pivotal change had occurred in that moment, until the time when I had just cried out to Edward.

When I was eighteen, I died.

The realisation hitting me, I spaced out, went totally numb, and tried to process everything.

My best friend, the love of my life, was there with me. I knew that now, because I could see.

He had his arms wrapped around me. He was listening for my heart and trying to squeeze me back together.

The look on Edward's face should have torn my heart apart at the seams of its chambers. If it had still been beating.

It wasn't.

I was bleeding. I was broken.

And all I could do was stare.

Watching Edward and being totally helpless to do anything about his pain was what made me realise I was dead. The part that I couldn't figure out was how I could see everything that was going on, as if I was still here.

Looking down, I could feel my body when I placed my hands to my stomach. My clothes were gashed and stained, there were slight pains inside me like bruises. There was a little bit of blood around, but there were no cuts, no wounds, no broken bones. Yet in front of me lay my destroyed form, wrapped in Edward and clearly wounded and broken. He was wearing a white t-shirt, which was now being stained red as it soaked up the evidence of my state.

I had to look away as I felt a gagging wretch building in my chest again. Emmett was assessing the scene a little. He could barely look at his brother, collapsed on the ground with me lifeless in his arms. Confident Emmett was at a total loss, his usually statuesque form seeming smaller and less present in that moment.

"Do you think the bastard that did this is still close? I'm going to find that fucker," Emmett growled, clearly not knowing how else to deal with the situation.

"No. Bella," was all Edward could get out.

"Right, we'll um…later then. Uh, I'll get the car," Emmett said, anxiously turning on his heels. He looked over his shoulder at Edward to check he could manage with me.

The rain began to fall then. I couldn't help feeling that it was symbolic, the air thick with murky encompassing pain. I watched as Edward stood gingerly with me laden in his arms. I clearly wasn't a burden as he hugged me to his chest, looking around him in desperation, before he took off with me toward the woods.

Emmett watched him momentarily, about to call out, then thought better of it. He threw himself back into the car, spinning the gravel across the ground as he accelerated away towards their house. I could understand that sitting in the car with me may have had Edward tearing at the upholstery in frustration and anxiousness, but I couldn't work out why they weren't at least taking me in the direction of the hospital. They hadn't even called an ambulance.

I panicked then. If they weren't taking me to the hospital, then there must be no hope. There had to be hope. I had wanted it to be over when he had his knife to me. I took it back now. I didn't want it to be over. Emmett, Edward, they made me remember that.

I turned back to watch Edward as he ran, and ran like nothing I had ever seen before. It was a lissom and captivating and I knew I couldn't keep up. He was heading in the direction of his house, where I had been on my way to, so I let him slip out of sight before following the best I could.

When I reached my second home I could hear panic and pain edged voices as the sounds seeped out through the thick glass of the front windows. I froze just before the edge of the river that ran through the front of the property. An agonised cry that would never leave the memory of my ears tore out of the house and reverberated off the surrounding trees.

"CARLISLE!"

-x-x-x-


	13. Linger

**A/N **Some amazing people have nominated me for an Indie TwiFic Award – WIP that knocks you off your feet. You have no idea how much I appreciate your support, and am so chuffed just to be nominated amongst such big-name indie fics.

Hats off to my betas, elusivetwilight and cereuleanblue. Betas do not get enough kudos: what they do is amazingly generous, taking time from their own writing and RL to do something for someone they owe none of that to. J & J, thank you xx

So, our journey continues. I don't know how icky this is for other people, but I don't want to unintentionally upset people on a personal level. Thus I warn that this deals with death and losing a child.

Song: 'Round Here' By Counting Crows (I melt)

**Linger**

_Step out the front door like a ghost into the fog_

_Where no one notices the contrast of white on white._

_And in between the moon and you, angels get a better view_

_Of the crumbling difference between wrong and right._

_Well, I walk in the air, between the rain_

_Through myself and back again_

_Where? I don't know…_

-x-x-x-

I couldn't go any further after hearing Edward's agonised scream. I grimaced as I turned away from the house, unwilling to put myself through being near his evident pain so that I could find out what was happening to me. Well, to the shell of me. I needed a little time before I could face that again.

I was void of purpose as I ambled back through the woods. I was totally alone, with no clue as to where I was or to what this existence was. I had no answers, no hope to grasp onto, only fear. The void surrounding me took over, and my thoughts became stricken and uncontrollable as I walked aimlessly. I was deafened by the stream of conscious which invaded my mind at speed: This wasn't real. This couldn't be real. I fell asleep reading my book on the couch and now I was dreaming. I was dreaming and was going to wake up, and it was going to be time to go to Edward's house and I was going to get there safely and we would laugh and hang out with his family and then we'd to go to his room and we would kiss and then maybe, just maybe, we would make love. Then he would take me home to my house, to Charlie's house, where we would lie in each other's arms until the morning, and then we would do it all over again the next night. It was not over. I was dreaming.

Ahead of me, I saw the flickering red lights of an ambulance driving back towards town. There were two police cars blocking the road. In the encroaching darkness the red and blue lights bounced off the woods as they circled, illuminating the trees in passes. The rain had eased to a drizzle, its faint presence evident in the lights from the cars.

Concern struck me, and I broke into a run, trying to get closer. On seeing the license plates I stopped and took a deep breath in relief. Neither of them were Charlie's police car. Yet I knew it couldn't be long until he turned up. There were only six units in the Forks Police, so there weren't many other options for back up. I recognised the first officer I saw as Charlie's deputy, Waylon Smith.

"Waylon, I found a wallet on the floor of the cab!" an officer yelled from behind my truck.

"Careful what you touch, we don't want to destroy any evidence."

"Oh shit, buddy. We were right; this age of Chevy isn't very common. It's definitely Charlie's girl," the young officer said, his voice dropping with dread.

"Bella?"

He nodded.

They stared at each other, the reality of what they were faced with now becoming clearer.

Looking at the ground, Waylon broke the silence.

"We need to call Port Angeles and even Seattle, get reinforcements. There's no way Charlie can handle this investigation. Shit…he was on his way here. We need to stop him."

They were too late though. As Waylon finished his sentence, Charlie pulled up and stepped out of his car. My hand went automatically to my heart when I saw him, and I released a sigh at his familiar moustache and comforting eyes.

"What's going on here? That's Bella's truck, where is she? Has she been hurt?"

Waylon walked up to my dad before he could get closer to the scene. He struggled to look at his face, his eyes darting to look to anything but.

"Chief, it looks as though the truck broke down. Bella wasn't here when we arrived," Waylon began.

"She didn't call me; did she walk to get help? Has anyone followed to give her a ride? I'll go chase her down now and pick her up," Charlie said, turning back to his car.

"I don't think she walked to get help, Chief," Waylon continued.

"Oh, one of the Cullen's probably picked her up; they don't live far from here. She should have called to check in and tell me about the truck though. I'll call her now to see," Charlie rambled. I wasn't sure if he actually believed the scenarios he was ticking off were plausible, or if he was already sensing a far greater wrong that he was going to deny for as long as possible.

Waylon went to say something, but he couldn't find the right words. I didn't envy his position at all. Even I wished for Charlie never to be told anything, so that maybe none of it would ever be real. Don't speak it and it never happened. If only.

Charlie grabbed his cell phone out of the centre console of the car and then stood up, pressing my number on speed dial. As he held it to his ear there was a chilling silence in the area. The police lights still spinning, siren off, creating an ominous atmosphere.

Waylon and the other constable registered the ring of my cell phone in the truck cab before Charlie did. When my dad noticed, he looked around him puzzled, before his eyes settled on my red Chevy.

He furrowed his brow, then took a couple of steps forward. When it clicked over to answer phone, Charlie lowered the phone from his ear without ending the call. He squinted at the truck before moving closer.

My heart ached for him as I watched him look between what he was seeing on the truck and his phone. There were a couple of splatters of blood on the white of the front license plate. _He_ must have had me around there at some stage during the attack. I assumed that most of the other blood had been diluted by the rain. If it hadn't rained, Charlie certainly wouldn't have had to strain his eyes to find evidence of my demise. He continued towards the truck, trepidation evident in every step.

Waylon sucked in a huge lungful of air before grabbing on to Charlie's shoulder.

"Charlie, don't go round there, buddy. We think something has happened to Bella."

His tone was cautious, his posture weary as he held onto Charlie's jacket.

Charlie turned his head to meet Waylon's eyes, and it was as if someone had hit the slow motion button on what was unfolding. Charlie moved away from his deputy and walked around the side of the vehicle to my open driver's door. The three of us gulped at the same time as we watched Charlie, knowing full well what he was about to see. He stopped a couple of yards away from the door, then looked in. I swear for a moment it felt as if the entire world had imploded in on a single spot of earth, rushing in and spinning around him, before pulling out again and leaving everything frozen in its wake.

The phone slipped out of his hand and made a crack as it hit the road. His breathing slowed, each inhalation becoming a short, laboured gasp, as if his chest was weighted by a block of lead. He turned, took three steps, bent and placed his hands on his knees, and vomited into the ditch.

The pull of being near Charlie was fighting inside me against the desperate aversion to watching him suffer. Where once I would have stuck things out, tried to be strong, suddenly I found myself turning away from everything. More importantly, I was turning away from everyone that I loved. For some reason I wasn't strong enough to be there, not when I couldn't work out how to do anything to fix what was hurting those around me. I felt like I was failing him when I left.

-x-x-x-

I sat on the edge of the sofa in the living room of my house, my eyes fixed on my hands in my lap in front of me. The bracelet from the Cullens sat comfortably around my wrist, adorned with the symbols of each member of my second family. Seeing them hanging there pulled at me too hard to allow me any more than brief glimpses. I wasn't sure how long I had been sitting there, when the door was unlocked and Charlie walked in, dragging his feet.

He dumped his police jacket before coming through the room to the fireplace. He stopped and placed his hands in the mantle, leaning on it and hanging his head. With a shake of denial he lifted it, his eyes meeting a picture frame holding a photo of Renée and me from my seventh birthday. He stared at it, before he spoke in a forceful whisper.

"I told you I would protect you. When you were a little girl I told you I would protect you from your bad dreams" he spat through his breath. "I didn't fucking protect you," he said, turning away.

"I wasn't there !" he yelled, lifting his leg and slamming his heavy police boot through the glass top of the coffee table. The almighty crash and the glass scattering everywhere caused me to jump up from my seat. He began swiping out at more items, before sinking down onto his chair and hiding his face in his hands.

"Dad, you couldn't have been there, you couldn't have stopped this," I pleaded with him, getting up and rushing across the room to him.

"Dad."

"Daaad!"

"Daaaaaaaddd!"

He couldn't hear me. I tried to scream his name, but he couldn't hear me.

I sunk to the ground opposite him, sitting on my heels with my palms on the floorboards in defeat. I shook my head and the tears started flowing. I cried out, begging, but nobody could hear me.

"Don't let me leave you. I can't leave you."

I looked up, wondering if someone, anyone, might listen.

"Don't make me leave him behind," I pleaded into nothingness.

-x-x-x-

We were interrupted by a knock at the front door. I guessed it would either be related to the investigation, or that word had spread already, typical of a small town. I wasn't sure if it was another one of those 'fate' related moments, but when Charlie opened the door, it wasn't the police or a nosey neighbour.

"Charlie! How are you?" Renée said, giving Charlie a kiss on the cheek.

"Renée, hi, what are you doing here? I thought you were coming Friday?" Charlie managed.

"I changed my flight to surprise Bella. God, Charlie, what happened to you? I know Forks is overcast, but you look like you've seen a ghost!"

"Ren…Bella is missing," he said, his voice cracking.

"What? Missing? What does that mean?" she asked him, not yet overly concerned.

She walked further into the house, which was when she noticed the destruction in the  
living room.

"My goodness," she mumbled, turning back to my father. "Charlie, it's really bad, isn't it?" she whispered.

Charlie simply nodded, before his phone began to ring in his pants pocket. As he answered it I sunk back down onto the sofa, watching as something visibly clicked into gear in Renée's face. I had seen it there before when I was little; it was her mother's instinct taking over, processing and putting up defences.

"That was Detective Dawson. They've brought him in from Seattle," Charlie told her reluctantly. Renée repeated his title with a hint of horror at its implications.

"Detective?" she said to herself, before looking to Charlie. "I'm coming with you," when he started to shake his head she reiterated, "I want to go to the station," she told him.

Charlie knew not to question her. I also don't think he wanted the task of telling his ex-wife that their eighteen year old daughter had likely been murdered on the side of the road.

"I'll take you there. Do you have any bags?"

"I already stopped at the motel," she replied.

I could read on their faces that not talking was easiest for the both of them at the moment. They both wanted answers, they both wanted to be proactive in doing something about the situation. Yet, at that stage Renée was simply trying to process arriving to such an unexpected shock, and Charlie…Charlie was just in shock.

-x-x-x-

I followed them to the police station. I had worked out by then from getting into the house that I could still move things and touch things, they just didn't feel the way they used to in my hands. When I opened the back door of Charlie's car, I was proved right in my theory that what I touched and moved wasn't noticed by anyone around me.

When we arrived it was a place of despondent, heavy, chaos. I could tell in a few seconds that they were currently fighting a losing battle in my investigation.

A fair haired young man in a grey suit came towards us. He and Charlie acknowledged each other with a nod, so presumably they had come across each other on the job in the past.

"Detective Dawson, this is Bella's mother, Renée. Could you update her please," Charlie said.

"Of course. The Port Angeles unit are still out on location, but if you would like any information you can speak to Waylon, Chief," Dawson said to Charlie, before leading Renée to the station's only interview room.

I milled around for a couple of minutes, trying to get the gist of what they were working on, wondering how they could find a person and a possible offender from an office. I gave up and decided that I should be with Renée. She was seated at a table with the Detective and his colleague opposite her. The room was stark and it echoed, just like you would imagine from seeing these places in movies and TV.

"Mrs Swan," the Detective said.

She didn't correct him.

"We found blood."

She was staring through him.

"There was a lot of blood."

They waited for her to respond. They looked between themselves, worried I think about what she was going to do, whether she might flip out or break down.

She did neither.

She refocused her gaze, gathering the Detective's eyes in hers.

"We're sorry, Mrs Swan...Renée," he said to her.

Her eye twitched a little.

"Don't tell me you're sorry, Mr Dawson," she said.

She looked away to the one barred window.

"Find. My. Baby," she said last through gritted teeth. She stood then, scraping her chair out and walking slowly out of the room.

I followed Renée from the police station back to her hotel room. I sat next to her on the seat of the taxi. She had goose bumps, yet there were few signs that she had any sense of my presence. I wanted to touch her but I was afraid to. I didn't know enough about my state to know whether or not it would have any effect on her. I didn't want there to be consequences; I didn't want to scare her any more than she already had been. She was blank, white as the sheets, her eyes sunken, void, lost. She started off rustling around the room, shifting things, looking for something in her suitcase, but clearly in vain. She emptied most of the contents onto the bed, scattering a couple of books, some clothes and toiletries. Eventually she gave up attempting to busy herself, her hands trembling too much to really grasp anything. The tears started slipping down her cheeks, as her tiny frame slipped down past the edge of the bed until she met the floor.

What she was looking for was right there with her. I was in the room, standing next to my crumpled mother. I wanted to show her I was there. The problem was of course, that I wasn't really there at all.

Her head turned sideways against the edge of the mattress, and when she opened her wet eyes they met the spine of the book that lay atop the duvet. I moved from where I had been pressed against the wall so that I could get a better look. Next to her bookmarked copy of _Eat, Pray, Love_ was a tattered, original copy of _The Velveteen Rabbit_.

She broke my trance when she grabbed an empty glass off the bedside table above her and threw it across the room, but she was so weak it thumped to the carpet without even breaking. The sobs came thick and fast then. I don't think I had ever seen or felt something as physically heartbreaking as my mother wailing by herself on the floor of a motel room. I felt like such a useless coward, because all I wanted to do was turn away once again.

I had to get out of there.

I couldn't watch her, helpless.

I felt my mom was dying with me.

-x-x-x-

Charlie thought I was dead. From my few minutes in the station, I had learned the following: All they really had to work from was my truck, with its door still agape and my possessions scattered across the worn fabric of the passenger seat. The hood of the truck was still up, and there was damage from my assailant striking the metal and signs of scratches in the paintwork from my nails that Charlie didn't think were there before. Despite the rain, they did find that there had been a considerable pool of blood staining the knobbles of the asphalt where I had lain before Edward had cradled me. There was evidence of someone falling and some blood under the scrub off the side of the road. The fact that a lot of the blood was diluted put off the police initially. Had it been covering the area to the extent that it had been when Edward found me, they would have instantly declared homicide. Due to a fair amount of evidence being destroyed, it meant that abduction was still a possibility.

The Forks Police Department launched a manhunt. Given whom my father was and the nature of the crime, reinforcements came readily from Port Angeles as well as the two from Seattle via helicopter. They needed the extra manpower because, as much as my father wanted to do his job and find his baby, he became a shell of his former self when he saw the blood in the cab of my truck. His gut told him something had gone horribly, horribly wrong. This was no accident; despite the officers' attempts to maintain optimism and to look for a best case scenario. Underneath their professional exteriors, their experience said that it could only be foul play. All signs pointed to dead and dumped, or abducted.

The look on my father's face told me that he wasn't succeeding too well at going with the best case scenario. His fatherly instincts told him I was gone. It hurt so bad that his shallow breaths were unhelpful, any touch lacked sensation, and when he attempted a mouthful of the food Sue Clearwater left at the house that night, it didn't have a flavor. He felt no temperature other than cold, saw everything in muted shades, and heard everything in monotone.

Charlie's phone trilled out from the kitchen table where he sat. It was then that I realised I was missing things. Like Jacob. When I had been around him, Charlie hadn't mentioned telling Jacob and Billy. That was when Charlie spoke.

"Billy, how is he doing?"

There was a pause while Charlie listened through the phone.

"I'm so sorry, Billy. I'll be down to the hospital as soon as I can."

-x-x-x-


	14. Where Nobody Knows

**A/N **Happy thank you to the readers day! So sorry that this took a while, and I hope it doesn't get lost amongst the mass of excellent 2/28 updates (28/2 for my non-American chicks).

Another lingering interlude type chapter, and in the next one you will start to get some answers. Edward's point of view _may_ also be coming *smiles*. I am moving house this week but I will do my best as always to get the update to you in a timely fashion.

Thank you to my betas elusivetwilight and cereuleanblue for fitting me into your busy weeks.

Song: 'You' By Fisher

**Where Nobody Knows**

_…And you  
You make me run  
And you  
You make me want to live…_

-x-x-x-

I sat there stewing next to Charlie after he got off the phone from Billy. I was waiting for some indication of what happened to Jacob or that he was going to go down to the hospital to see them. It didn't look likely though as I watched him on autopilot, going through copies of police files and making a few phone calls. At times he just sat there, staring at nothing.

I couldn't just watch him, I needed purpose and answers, so I left the house to go to the hospital myself. I discovered that I could cheat when moving from place to place. I started on my way, thinking about where I was going, and the next thing I knew I was standing in Forks Hospital waiting room. It was useful, but it made me recognize that I really had no concept whatsoever of how long I had been this way, lingering. I thought it was possibly far, far shorter than I imagined. Determining this was made more difficult by the lack of clarity I was finding now in my short term memories. I don't know if I was going into a protection mode by trying to erase the trauma, or if it was a symptom of my lingering form.

The hospital quickly gave me the skeevies, when I found that I had a surreal sense of what I could only assume was the presence of death and dying around me. I hoped it didn't include an ability to see dead people, ghosts or maybe others like me, whatever I was. I wasn't sure I wanted the opportunity to see any of that. The chill I felt rushing around me was encouragement enough to find Jacob and then get out of there as soon as I could.

I managed to find 'Black' listed on the board in the emergency department. When I walked into his room I was met with the naked torso of my friend covered in patches and wires plugged in to all sorts of machines. I clutched at my shirt, taken aback by the sight of my best friend, still in his hospital bed apart from the assisted rise and fall of his chest.

"Jacob," I released aloud in a rush of breath.

I did a double take when I noticed the pretty young nurse I was standing beside actually shivered a little when I spoke. It was the first reaction I had seen that was linkable to my presence, and for a moment it totally unnerved me. I convinced myself to shake off any misreading, sure that she was simply cold. My study of her was broken by my interest in the emergency department resident, who was talking to Jacob's father.

"Fortunately he's now much more stable," the doctor said to Billy, "and we should be able to start bringing him out of the induced coma tomorrow afternoon, if that slight brain swelling continues to reduce overnight."

I processed what he had said. The coma was induced. That was better than the alternative. Outwardly he didn't look well, but it wasn't too horrific. I worried that meant the internal damage was fairly significant. They took his files with them, so I wasn't able to snoop for anymore information. I could hazard a guess though, and my bet was on that darn motorcycle he'd been restoring with Embry. He must have crashed it somewhere, judging by the few abrasions he also had on his chin and shoulder. Charlie had always said he knew from experience that a motorcycle was a death trap in disguise.

Billy was across the bed from me in his wheelchair. He looked worried and pained, but not in the way Charlie did tonight. I recognised the difference. Billy had hope that was alive and breathing, whereas Charlie's hope was fading fast.

As I stood there, watching the machines breathe for my friend, I just wanted to touch him, to show him that I was here. Given his current condition, I decided to take the risk I had been desperate to take with everybody else. I reached my hand cautiously out in front of me, hesitating when I noticed my skin almost turning transparent. Choosing to ignore it, I continued toward Jacob's body. When I made contact with the soft skin of his hand it was both comforting and bizarre. The sensation was there, but not in the same tactile way as when I was normal and breathing. Then the monitor of Jacob's heart started flipping out with a sequence of really irregular beats. When it startled Billy I snapped my hand away, not wanting to cause a scene or create concern that his condition was unstable.

As I stared at the monitors showing me evidence of his life, Billy's phone rang. I watched him pull it from his pocket and flip it open to answer.

"Charlie, what's the latest?" Billy said immediately.

There was a frustrating pause as he listened down the phone.

"Alice Cullen's there?

…Oh…Alice…

"No, no. You stay put. Did they say anything about Edward?

Edward.

I guess it was a blessing that I'd managed not to be consumed by thoughts of him while I was coping with Renée and Charlie…

"Poor guy…and Alice. All of you. Look, just stay and concentrate on finding Bella. Jacob is stable, so fingers crossed for big improvements tomorrow.

"Yeah buddy, no worries. Take care, Charlie.

Billy's conversation was the reminder that I needed to get back to Charlie and Renée, and maybe soon I would be brave enough to go to the Cullens. I blew Jacob a kiss, willed him to survive and be well again, then turned away.

People always say to others in these situations to have hope, to pray, to have a little faith. Those were commodities that seemed to be out of my reach, as everything seemed to be shattering around me. Would I fade away and disappear if I gave up hope for things to go back to normal? If I gave up on my connection to the real world, perhaps I would move on to the next place, whatever or wherever that may be. Maybe that was the only way that I could release my family and friends from the pain and anxiety they were all facing, mostly because of me.

-x-x-x-

When I got back to the porch at home, I took a moment to look around me. We had a quiet street with very few houses spread out along it. I heard the faint cry of a baby across the road. I could just make out our neighbour standing in a lit window upstairs, trying to settle the newborn in her arms.

Being so young, I had never given it much consideration before. It sunk in now that that would never be me, standing in my own house with a newborn.

My mother would never help me into my wedding dress. My father would never walk me down the aisle. They would never see me as a mother, hold their grandchildren in their arms or watch them grow up. I never decided if any of that was what I wanted, but I would have at least liked for it to be an option. For them as much as for me.

Pushing the front door open, I caught a glimpse of Charlie trudging up the stairs. I was surprised to follow him into my room, rather than to his own. He looked around slowly, brushing his fingers over my furniture and belongings with a reverent touch.

I got the impression that Charlie was trying to get closer to me. Perhaps trying to remember things or find something he never knew. Maybe he was looking for signs of any foreshadowing of what had happened to me.

He was over by my dresser when things went from bad to worse in the space of a few seconds. He looked over a frame that held a snap of me, Edward, Jasper and Alice. He picked up my tall perfume bottle and put it to his nose, before replacing it carefully. He simply ghosted over most of the other bits sitting on the wooden surface, not wanting to disturb things from where I had left them. Then he touched my little red iPod, which I had plugged into my stereo speakers. I instantly recognized the aching piano melody of a _Sparklehorse _cover of a song from one of Charlie's favorite bands. The notes broke out into the room, previously frozen with silence.

"_So…so you think you can tell…heaven from hell…"_

I willed him with all my nonexistent might to turn it off. But by the time the words _"I wish you were here" _oozed inconsiderately out of the speakers, my father was in tears. I had never seen Charlie cry before. Not when my mom left, not when his mother died, not when he smashed the coffee table just before. I was certain he may have cried on these occasions, I just hadn't seen it. Even if I could read through the façade, he had always put on a brave face for me. His usually strong presence had been gradually wearing away since my disappearance. The last fragments cracked, severed, shifted, crumbled and I watched him break apart.

He melted onto the edge of my bed and sat there with his eyes watery and reddening. I wanted to tell him I was sorry. Sorry I was hurting him. At this point I no longer wanted to accept death lying down. I had no idea how this worked. Could I fight hard enough and replace my soul, if that's what I was at the moment, back within my body? Could I will someone to pump my heart with so much encouragement that it would resume beating? Did I have any control at all? I needed someone to save me from the darkness. I wasn't ready to leave. I needed Charlie. I needed Renee. My Alice…my Alice would know how to make this better somehow.

…_Edward_…

I couldn't help my dad. I couldn't help him when I was like this. I wanted him to feel my presence, my love, my soul ghosting around him so he would hold together. I put my hands into my pockets in an attempt to close myself off from the pain haunting the room. In my left hand, I felt a piece of paper. Grandma Marie's note. I was so confused by where I was in time and space; it felt only moments ago that she had appeared to me after I left Charlie by my truck. I pulled it out, noticing when I looked at my skin that it was translucent again, yet more so than when I was with Jacob. I wondered if my connection with where I lingered was almost fading. I felt like I was running out of time to do something about my situation. I opened Grandma's note to read it again.

_Bella,_

_Hold fast to those who love you,_

_And to those you hold in love,_

_For it will be the strong and reciprocated_

_hold of love that conquers darkness._

_X_

Darkness. That was exactly what this felt like. Overwhelming darkness. Was Grandma Marie actually telling me something? Was this an answer to my plight?

Love.

Hold fast to those who love you.

And to those you hold in love.

…My family…

…The Cullens...

_Edward_.

An almighty rush hit me. Before I could even make an attempt to help Charlie, I was enveloped in a thick layer of impenetrable, syrupy blackness.

-x-x-x-


	15. Beast of Burden

**A/N **Another shorter chapter, which some people won't like but, even though I don't love this, it just works this way. Thank you for your patience while I moved house and paid some attention to that old biarch 'real' life. I'm hoping my new set up won't cause too much more interruption to my writing. Thank you to my lovely betas elusivetwilight and cereuleanblue.

Don't think this needs a warning, depending on your sensitivity. If you think it seems a little cryptic, I guess it's because of the stress Edward is under. You'll get better information out of him, next chapter. Let's hear from poor old Edward shall we…

Song: 'Goodbye My Lover' By James Blunt.

-x-x-x-

**Beast Of Burden**

_'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,  
Yes I saw you were blind and I knew I had won._

…So I took what's mine by eternal right  
Took your soul out into the night…

…You touched my heart you touched my soul…

…I've kissed your lips and held your hand  
Shared your dreams and shared your bed  
I know you well, I know your smell  
I've been addicted to you…  


_I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.  
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow._

-x-x-x-

_**- Edward - **_

Alice was standing in the foyer of the house when I walked through our front door, and shouted Carlisle's name. She was the one who had alerted Emmett and I that something was horribly wrong. Only she had worked it out far too late.

At the sight of Bella in my arms, Alice collapsed to the floor. She was able to slowly push herself up, coming to rest propped up only by the wall. Her arms were flopped down at her sides in absolute defeat, her eyes void. I couldn't look at her like that, and turned my attention to Carlisle and Esme, who were racing towards me down the stairs. The breathy sobbing sounds coming from Alice as she processed the frightful image of Bella ate into me. My sister loved my girlfriend immensely; she was her first true friend outside of our family. Now that friend was unrecognizable. The little things that made Bella, Bella, were not quite the same.

I had loved the scent of her auburn hair and the way it cascaded over her shoulders when she left it loose. It was now matted with blood, some of it sticking to her face.

I had loved watching her thoughts ticking over her face when she took her bottom lip between her teeth. I had loved drawing her lip free with the pad of my thumb, then kissing the full, soft perfection. Those lips were now stained with a stream of red, which had run across them from her mouth down her chin, until it had been soaked up by the fabric of her shirt collar.

I had spent many mornings tracing the curves of Bella's face lightly with my fingertips, and gracing it with gentle kisses. Now there was black bruising coming out on her temple and smears of blood masking her porcelain complexion.

Possibly worst of all, was that I couldn't see her beautiful coffee-coloured eyes anymore. I always tried to read Bella through her eyes. They were windows to her emotions, hinting to me if she was content, scared, happy or nervous. The idea of what they would show me now terrified me, yet still I had never craved the sight of them more than I did in that instant. If I could only see them peek open and look for me, the way they had for so many mornings since I asked her to be mine. Then maybe, I could hold just a tiny bit of hope that she might come back to me.

The girl I cradled was nothing like my Bella, and that fact was now resonating around our house. I had once thought that there wasn't much that could disturb my family, and only now had it turned out I was wrong. She wasn't even the shell of her former self. What I held in my arms was broken and tortured. There was no spirit, no life, nothing from within showing me it was still Bella.

"My office, quick," Carlisle said, not bothering to come downstairs any further once he saw me. I followed them up, Esme stumbling uncharacteristically. Rosalie was already rushing around upstairs, gathering his medical supplies.

"Christ Edward, how long has she been out?" Carlisle asked, his voice laced with unprecedented concern.

I couldn't form words and only stuttered, so Emmett spoke for me.

"About two minutes. I heard her heart stop when I got out of the car and it didn't take us long to get back here," he said.

I couldn't look at my girl so defaced by blood any longer. On hearing Emmett's words, I managed to find my tongue.

"Carlisle, you have to save her. She can't be dead. Bella can't die."

"I'll do my best, son, but you're going to have to put her down for me," he said with a hint of dread.

There was a knowing and empathetic anxiety emanating from my family, reflective of my body screaming to not let go of her. All of my fibres were telling me that if I put her down, she may fall apart into irreparable pieces.

"It's okay, Edward. I'll be careful, I promise you," Carlisle whispered, attempting to reassure me.

I lowered her carefully to the table, denying the attachment with the desperation not to waste any precious time. Emmett and Jasper had to draw me away so Carlisle could get to her without me still partially connected. My brothers supported either side of me, watching in horror as Carlisle got to work at speed. They lowered their eyes to the carpet when he ripped her shirt open down the centre, showing respect for the girl who they cared for like a sister. I kept my eyes fixed, protective of her even with my father, but I struggled to maintain my watch when I saw the state of her abdomen, barely an inch of clean skin visible.

"Bloody hell," Carlisle muttered under his breath, an interesting choice of words.

There seemed to be some clotting forming, but two of the gashes were horrifying, and still actively bleeding. Carlisle's eyes were wide, as he hurriedly grabbed the sterile gauze Rosalie had piled next to him, generously padding up the stab wounds with the material. She was going to need a huge amount of replacement blood. My father spoke before I could voice his own thoughts.

"Esme, quickly, get A positive blood from my emergency stock, as much as you can carry," he said, before looking at my shirt, soaked in red. "Then go back down and get more."

He checked Bella's chest, wiping away thick blood to check for penetration in the area. I knew a fair bit about medicine myself, and prayed he wouldn't find a wound to the lung, or, heaven forbid, to her heart.

I felt stupid just standing there like I didn't know what to do to help him. When he was satisfied that her chest was clear I pulled away from my brothers and went to Bella, placing my hands carefully near her sternum and began compressions. Carlisle wanted to say something but bit his tongue, knowing it wasn't necessary. He finally spoke after another minute passed, as he was preparing to intubate her, swiping blood from her mouth with a gloved finger and tilting her chin up so he could get the tube down her throat.

"As hard as this is for you all, I'm going to need help. I don't have enough hands to give Bella everything that she needs, but I know you can all handle this. Just focus on the fact that as much as we may struggle and hate to believe it, it is Bella lying here."

I focused on my compressions, pretty damn clear about the fact my girlfriend was lying on a fucking transportable gurney in my father's office covered in blood.

"Jasper get over here and bag her for me, we've got to get oxygen to her again," Carlisle instructed. "Emmett, can you go to my car and get the defibrillator from the trunk?"

"On it," Emmett responded, already flying out the door.

As he checked Bella was now getting oxygen through Jasper's pumps, he took stock of me attempting to get Bella's heart going again.

"She's not dead; she's going to be fine," I said, mostly to myself.

His eyes almost pitied me as I looked into them. I was determined things were contrary to what Carlisle was showing me, yet I found myself pleading with him silently to just say definitively what he was cryptically thinking. Finally he aired it.

"Edward, her injuries are too extensive, and they're only the ones I can pick out initially," he said.

By 'too extensive', I presumed he meant 'too extensive for her to live'.

"She's definitely taken a few severe knocks to the head; her leg is broken, and the blood loss is massive. She's haemorrhaging from the stab wounds to blood vessels and organs, not to mention the likely general organ damage, two from direct penetration and others from blood loss and poisoning."

I knew what he meant, what he was thinking, but I needed to hear it.

"Say it, Carlisle."

I saw him visibly take a moment, preparing himself to put into words all the truths and prospects that were running through his brain.

"She's unlikely to survive this and come out the other side a fully functioning human returning to full health," he said clearly.

"What are the options?" I said to Carlisle as we worked.

"There's one option. I can't guarantee it; it's going to be challenging, but it could work."

"Whatever we can do, do it."

"Are you sure about that, Edward?" he said with trepidation. It was a loaded question, and we all knew it.

Alice was now standing in the doorway, staring at Bella laid out in the centre of the room. Looking at my sister gave me even more strength to fight to keep Bella in any way possible.

"Let's try everything we can medically and then make a call," I said quietly.

I looked to Alice, stupidly blaming herself but clearly wanting to do something to help save her friend.

"Alice, honey," I said, "Forget about it, let's just work on fixing Bella. We can't change what's happened now. You know you need to stop berating yourself, if you want your visions to become clearer."

She looked at me with empathy, then moved determinedly from the door and began helping Carlisle in getting Bella hooked up to some intravenous lines. Alice and Jasper had been taken with Bella immediately. I guess Jasper was easily swayed given how fond of her his girlfriend was, but there had been a fair amount of uncertainty from the rest of the family. Carlisle and Esme accepted it when they saw how happy she made me and the passion she induced. Rosalie was the slowest to be swayed, which wasn't entirely surprising given she wasn't one to be easily affected by people around her. I found my own fondness for my sister grew as she warmed to Bella, helping and befriending her, but still keeping the poised Rosalie façade about her. Emmett was classic Emmett, and as soon as Bella seemed to have been approved of by the rest of the family, he had adopted her as his new source of entertainment. Underneath the thin surface of fun and teasing, I appreciated that he was attached and protective of my girl.

Now here we all were only a short time later, committed to and captivated by a girl we absolutely adored for different reasons. It was clear that the bonds had developed to the point that if Bella Swan died, the Cullen family as it existed now would surely die with her. Against the odds, all seven of us were now doing anything we could with the hope of saving this girl.

I could only fucking hope to hell that's what we were going to do.

Save her…

-x-x-x-


	16. Death And All His Friends

**A/N** Edward is a wordy, stubborn fella, and we hear more from him again. I was surprised and pleased with the response to the last chapter, thank you. Take my medical talk for what it is please: fanfic. Thanks to Grey's Anatomy for being a source of inspiration for some of my angst speech (lol).

Bunches of beautiful thank you flowers and giant Easter eggs for my betas. If you would like to read some other ramblings coming from me, add me to author alert, thank you xx

Song: 'What Sarah Said' By Death Cab for Cutie.

-x-x-x-

**Death And All His Friends **

_And I rationed my breaths_

_as I said to myself_

_that I'd already taken too much today_

_As each descending peak on the LCD _

_took you a little further away from me_

_Away from me_

_But I'm thinking of what Sarah said that_

"_Love is watching someone die"_

_So who's going to watch you die?_

-x-x-x-

_**- Edward - **_

Carlisle and I were working over a corpse.

They all tried not to think it, but I knew that was what they saw. We were trying to put her back together again, but there was nothing there, just me, just him.

That was all that was left of the girl we loved. This broken, bled-out, mangled corpse. We couldn't put Bella together again.

Yet I was still determined to cling to tiny threads of medical technicality. She was dead, but only clinically dead. She wasn't breathing, and to the touch she had no pulse, but that didn't mean everything was gone. It was a technicality, but it was something.

When Emmett first flicked on the machine they had hooked Bella up to, it was flat-lining. We all stood frozen, staring at the damn thing until it finally began bleeping erratically with tiny signs of life.

"Her heart is twitching which is a good sign, keep the CPR going and hopefully we can get a shockable rhythm from that," Carlisle instructed.

I instantly continued with my compressions, my bare hands attempting to give my girl's heart the push it needed to beat for me again voluntarily.

Her heart beat had been my sustenance for the past nine months, if not longer.

She had never seemed to notice that mine didn't beat for her. If it could have, it would have done so furiously at her every smile, every laugh, every kiss.

We had already been through four litres of blood stock and other fluid solutions in an attempt to replace what she had lost. Carlisle had done his best to seal off the bleeds temporarily while he got other necessities in order, and he was about to attempt some intermediary operative work on her internal damage.

"Alice," Carlisle said, pausing to consider his words, "Edward is in no position…you need to gather yourself together as best you can, and call Bella's cell phone. Then you need to call Charlie. You need to tell him that Bella hasn't shown up at the house yet, and that we're getting worried."

She understood what Carlisle was asking of her straight away. I felt for her, laden with both the burden of having to buy us time and the knowledge that Charlie was going to have to find the words to tell her of the horror she was already well aware of.

Bella's phone was unanswered as expected, and when she reached Charlie he was at the police station. He told her all the things we expected: that Bella was missing; her truck had been found on the side of the highway. He asked Alice not to panic, but there was some blood at the scene, which doesn't look good. Emmett looked at me, the knowledge that we had witnessed more than just _some_ blood clear in his eyes alone.

Alice dropped the façade, and allowed herself to sob again. She asked if there was anything we could do, but Charlie told her just to sit tight and pray. He asked if she would prefer for him to tell me what had happened. I appreciated his concern and the fact that, even in his own time of need, he was trying to soften things for my sister. Alice of course said that I had just gotten home and she would be fine to pass on the information. Charlie said that when I was up to it, the investigators would want to get any information on Bella's movements from us. Other than that, there was little more that we could do, and he would keep us updated.

I realised then that there was more to this than just trying to save Bella. It was potentially far more complicated, and I was naïve if I ever underestimated the domino effect that had begun, once I carried Bella from the roadside. Aside from there being a murderer somewhere on the streets who needed to be found, there was also a person missing. Live or die, we had Bella; we had taken things into our own hands, rather than going through normal processes with an ambulance and hospital. Well, _I_ had taken things into my own hands. That meant that Charlie was now shrouded in uncertainty, whereas at least I knew exactly where Bella was. I felt infinitesimally guilty about the fact he had to guess, presume and wait.

It became clear that things weren't progressing terribly quickly with Bella, and we got to a point where we couldn't all help. Alice left to go and check on Charlie, with Jasper escorting her there. She felt awful knowing he was suffering, and also knew that was what Bella would want her to do, if she could tell us so. I was impressed she had it in her to do that for them both, and slightly pleased, because her jitters and pacing were starting to make me edgy. She told a delicate lie to him about Carlisle having given me a sleeping pill then sent me to bed, which meant we would go to the station after I had recovered. Alice mentioned to Carlisle after she got back that it looked as though Charlie could truly use some medication to help him out. He was in a bad way, but in typical Charlie fashion, he was trying to mask it as best he could.

With Carlisle's work, more of Bella's bleeding was closed off, so the expectation was that her blood pressure would start to increase and settle. I sensed from the change in my father's body language that things were looking up a little, but these moments would be critical.

He moved away to get rid of his bloody gloves and over coat, while I watched the screen displaying her vitals. Rosalie and Emmett took a load of bloody materials away to bleach and burn. For a moment it was just me and Bella. My hands felt like lead with the fear, but I slowly stopped compressions. We had silenced the noise of the machine earlier, the symbolic nature of the beeps too constant a reminder of our plight. I don't know what it was that held me back from returning my hands to her chest the instant that I saw no change in the fine green line. I just stood there, hovering over her and staring.

After a good minute Carlisle and Esme turned back to us and noticed. Esme thought I had given up. Carlisle was confused.

"It's not me Carlisle," I told him, eyeing the screen.

"Pulse…there's a pulse?" Esme cried.

Carlisle watched it for a minute, before checking her over once again.

"Lazarus phenomenon?" he questioned to himself.

I had heard of this rare syndrome in my own medical studies over the years, where circulation returns spontaneously after failed attempts at resuscitation. Rosalie and Emmett rushed in, having heard our surprised musings from downstairs.

It was then that the pressures on the screen started slipping again. What was that saying…too good to be true?

"Christ," Carlisle swore uncharacteristically, "It's not going to happen, Edward," he said, a look of finality and defeat on his face, "It's taking too long. I'm sorry, but there's definitely no way she can come out of this human."

I knew it was coming, but the walls around me still started closing in as if I was in a garbage compressor, with no escape route in sight. I was probably a bastard for prolonging this as much as we had. I had always said that changing Bella was the very last resort. No matter what happened between us or to her, the first priority was keeping her human if at all possible. So we had to try. I should have seen sense and realised we were fighting a losing battle when Carlisle first assessed her. My stubbornness towards anything Bella had clouded my judgement. Now there was a chance that trying to save her life would work against me, and we wouldn't be able to save her in any way at all.

Alice walked in at that point, instantly reading the room. She froze, her face clearing of expression.

"Bella…" she whispered. I saw what she envisaged, a morphing of Bella as we knew her, Bella in her tortured state, and vampire features flickering in between. A haze of uncertainty masked all of it, reinforcing the fact that she could in no way see a definitive and successful outcome of what was about to occur.

Carlisle moved quickly, having decided for me that the time for trying was over. When he got what he needed on the ECG signal he charged the defibrillator, and cleared us back from the table. When he shocked her he may as well have been charging my own body with electricity. I felt every volt that went through Bella, her tiny body convulsing under the paddles.

"That's it," Carlisle whispered to the screen, "Come on, girl."

We were all in such a hopeless stupor, watching him get her to the point where I could take over. I didn't think there was anything I could do now to mentally prepare myself for something I had never wanted. Or at least it was not something I had decidedly wanted, when another path for Bella was running its course. That path was now over, and this was all that was left. We were all thinking the same thing; if this worked, Bella would become one of us, as close to part of the family as she could get, without usual legalities. She would have my venom coursing through her body. She would have our eyes, our cool skin, and our quiet hearts.

That was only if the venom did as we expected, and hoped. Carlisle had said in the past, there was potential that some things couldn't even be healed by venom. It had to be able to spread through the body and infiltrate the systems. It had worked with Esme and Emmett, but that wasn't necessarily a norm or terribly much to go off. Despite the bad state my mother and brother had been in when he had changed them, Carlisle seemed more concerned about the effectiveness of trying to change Bella, with a greater loss of blood and trauma than he had previously encountered. I guess it was that every patient was different, whether treating them with medicine or vampiric methods. Carlisle kept syringes of all our venom for various purposes, and he hoped that the use of the injection as well as my bite would assist our success.

"Okay, that pulse is viable thanks to whatever just happened, but only just. We have to do this now, while her heart is marginally holding out. I'll close off that last bleed that's dropping her pressure at the same time, so the venom will hopefully carry better.

"Esme, pass Edward the first syringe," he said softly to his wife, before looking to me. I didn't move to do anything just yet.

"You're worried about her brain?" I said. My voice was twisted with concern as I pulled words from my father's flickering thoughts.

"No, that's not specifically what I was thinking; I have all faith that it'll be fine. If she had survived human then it would have been a concern, hence why I was initially trying to get her systems working again by around sixteen minutes. I took every precaution though; monitoring temperature, giving the right drugs and ensuring the short reperfusion time of the blood getting pumped back to her brain initially. If the venom works, there should be very little risk of lasting damage as it takes over and heals her."

We stared at each other for a moment, and I knew he believed in what he was saying. I told myself what he said would be right, rather I was just so overwhelmed by all the thoughts flying around me. I could only imagine how Jasper felt. The emotional barrage he must be feeling from all angles would be bordering on unbearable.

"Jasper, be ready to start more CPR for Edward while he does this. We'll need more than her heart will give us on its own to get the venom spread. Remember, the pressure against your hands will increase as her blood thickens."

My brother moved towards me and I welcomed the slight calm he managed to bring when his shoulder met my side.

"It's okay, Edward, I've got this for you," Jasper whispered with a hand on my back.

With a comforting look from Jasper's eyes, I moved away, and took the syringe from Esme. I looked at the cold steel in my hands, the weight of what it symbolised burdening me unexpectedly. It was so sterile and harsh against my pale hands, it looked more like a weapon, than a piece of medical equipment.

"I can't believe we are doing this, putting her through so much more pain, after what she has already been through," I agonised aloud, still looking down.

Carlisle sighed before replying, his chest visibly deflating from the unnecessary air.

"Son, I guess it's to be looked at as the lesser of two evils; it's either the end with her being killed by some wretched scum, versus us choosing to put her through this to keep her with us…with you…forever."

It was one of the ways I had justified it to myself as well. I couldn't allow whoever had done this to have the defining move in Bella's short life. She didn't deserve to go down like that. She was gentle and generous, and had a beautiful soul that didn't deserve to be ended.

Murder was horrific and undignified. This…this was something else.

I knew then that the consequence of taking her to the hospital would have been the end. That would have been it. They wouldn't have been able to do any more for her. Her heart would have started again momentarily if they had been persistent enough, and then the extent of her injuries would have meant it succumbing once more. She would have flat-lined once again, or the poisoning in her body would have been too much. They would have looked at her scans, her organ damage, her blood loss. They would have been concerned about the time it had taken to get that weak pulse from her as a factor for potential brain damage. They would have performed compressions, and shocked her and when they couldn't get a response the doctor would have called it.

That would be it.

Charlie and I would have been standing there in the ER and Bella would have been really and truly dead. It was going to be complicated and emotional, but I think I made the right choice. My father was one of the most educated doctors in the country, and we had options. When she was seemingly dead on our table, we still had options.

Carlisle urged me on.

"It needs to be you, Edward. She'd want it to be you," he encouraged.

When he didn't get a response he moved to put a hand on my shoulder.

"Son? Can you do this?"

I nodded. "For Bella," I mumbled.

The problem was that I knew there was a risk that while I was so caught up in this hell, my intentions may not be as noble as I desired. My head and my heart were tearing at each other, trying to settle on whether this was really for Bella, or if it was for me.

I knew nothing of heaven, but there was the possibility that she would never know anything of our choice tonight, if we had chosen not to try this and she had slipped away. However in making this decision, we were determining who she would be and how she would live from here on in. What gave us that right? Did love give me the right to decide to keep her with me, any which way?

Then there was the risk that she wouldn't want to be with me anymore or even that she didn't want to live at all. If that's what this was: living. _Then_ what would happen? Would we ever have to live through her terminating herself out of fear and horror, God forbid, only because we wouldn't let her go when through the course of fate it was probably her time?

We were intercepting that path, changing what the fates had dealt her, playing around with life or death. I looked around the room before shaking my head in the hope of clearing my wayward and spiralling train of thought.

I had to. I had to intercept the path of fate to make this choice for us. Whatever would happen from here was unknown. Right now, I couldn't take any other course. Something changed in me and I became even more mechanical than I had been when I was pumping away at Bella's heart. I had a task to do, and there was no time for any more thinking.

I took the first of the steel syringes, placing my other hand on her chest, defining the area. There was no delicate way to go about it, so I shoved the needle down, straight into her heart before we lost any more chances. The muscle jolted similar to the way it had when Carlisle had shocked her with the paddles.

"Keep it moving," I ordered Jasper, trying not to berate him, yet my voice still sounded like ice. It was clear how mechanical I had become.

Esme handed me the second smaller needle, which I lined up with her jugular and pushed the plunger down. I finished the job by sealing my mouth over her wrists, biting into her smooth flesh then sealing the wound with my tongue. I did the same near a few of the areas of broken skin, knowing that whatever blood she had left would be flowing to her injuries.

Jasper moved aside for me as I went to place my hands over her chest again, giving her weak heart any assistance I could as it struggled not only from the trauma, but now from the pressure of venom as it moved through her bloodstream.

This was it. The end of Bella as I had known her, and the end of what Bella had known of us.

It took longer than Carlisle hoped for Bella's heart to take over with the strength of the venom, yet remarkably it did, beating fast. When we heard it, I noticed Emmett's big grin, exuding confidence as if that one sound was all we needed.

Part of him was right, though. It was a new sound; A welcome relief from the most aching silence and the movement of my family fighting for a life. For now, the presence of that sound was certainly more encouraging, more welcome, than the absence of it.

I tuned into it, absorbing it in an attempt to give me back some of the strength that had been obliterated by this hell. It became the only sound that could touch me in this endless instant.

A frantic pounding, a racing beat…

What I could only hope, was a changing heart.

-x-x-x-

It was a waiting game now; waiting and praying to whomever would listen. There was going to be so much to think about. If it didn't work, what would we do with her body? Somehow I didn't think 'hey, Charlie, detectives, we found Bella' was going to cut it. Leaving her somewhere or burning her remains made me sick. Charlie would never have closure. She would simply be the daughter who was missing, presumed dead, for the rest of his life. Alice was hovering in the room and scolded me when she got a vision of me with Bella's body, as I decided on what I might do for a back up plan.

"Don't be ridiculous Edward, that's not what's going to happen," she said in her best reprimanding tone.

"Alice I know for a fact you can't get a clear reading on this yet," I muttered back forcefully.

"That doesn't mean anything, Edward. You know my visions can be messy when it concerns things like this, and I'm all freaked out."

I felt bad for her. I was supposed to be calming her, not adding to her woe. I was more angry at myself than anything, I needed to check myself and not make this harder than it already was.

"Yeah, I'm sorry, Al. I can't help it, just sitting here like this. It's hard not to cover all the bases."

"What are you going to do if she wakes up?" she whispered.

I swallowed nervously, an acquired humanising habit.

"Truly, I have no idea. I think I'll be in fucking shock. My guess is that we'll just have to respond to her, and see how she takes it all," I said morosely.

-x-x-x-

We didn't want the police calling by the house with all of us in chaos, so Esme and Rosalie stayed with Bella while the rest of us went down to the Forks police station. Walking away from her, down to the garage, and getting in Carlisle's car was one of the hardest things I had ever done. My parents reassured me that if she was to wake there was no way it would be anytime soon. I knew I had to do this for Bella's sake, as the consequences of not dealing with things as thoroughly as we could, would be utterly dire. Yet it was still awful to think that I had left her side when she was suffering, whether she would be aware of it or not.

When we arrived, the station was in relative chaos. The name Isabella or Bella flooded my head from everyone's thoughts. There was one voice in particular that struck me, one I had heard before. I looked across the glass of the corridors and spotted a familiar mop of shoulder length brown hair falling in loose curls. The face that looked up and through to me was not the one I knew, though. When I had encountered Renée in the past, she was vibrant and loving. Now I was met with yet another reminder of how potent Bella's imprint was on the lives of those who loved her.

Renée's face contorted in a mixture of being pleased to see me, while at the same time, devastated as to the circumstances.

"Renée," I said quietly as she drew me into a hug. I didn't really know what to say to her. Everything seemed tainted with untruth. _It'll be okay, we'll find her, she'll be fine_; none of it could be portrayed with conviction. So many other things I could say were almost too close to the truth, and I didn't want Renée any more convinced of a negative outcome. _I'm sorry, she didn't deserve this, whoever did this will pay._

"God, Edward, you shouldn't have to go through this at your age. You shouldn't have to go through this at any age," she whispered, cupping my cheek in her hand.

"She's strong, Renée. It's not over yet."

She sighed, her eyes softening.

"I'm so glad she had you before this happened, Edward. If anything gets her through, I'm sure it will be the thought of you."

A little choking sound came out of my throat, and I couldn't work out how to dispute her generous misgiving. After I had failed to be there when Bella needed me most and then changed everything as she knew it, it was much more likely her father and mother had featured more prominently in any thought she was capable of. Alice covered for me as I fumbled with my guilt.

"I hope you aren't here alone Renée, can I do anything for you, perhaps get you something to eat or drink?"

"No no, Alice, thank you, Phil managed to get a flight out this afternoon. He's just getting me some coffee," she replied, taking my sister's hand, and giving it an affectionate squeeze.

Her thoughts were sweetly naïve, even in her time of stress; _these kids are so cold, poor things they must be numb with worry_. I tuned her out then as her mind turned to Bella, berating herself for thinking how cold and numb her daughter might be. I wondered if she would cope if she knew the truth. What would be better to her, numb and cold from being dead, or from being on her way to becoming un-dead.

We left Renée when Phil returned to her, just as the Seattle detective and Charlie's Deputy, Waylon Smith, met us to go to an interview room. Of course the Detective said first off how they were terribly sorry for what had happened. He was young and not as sharp as I had expected for a detective, although that could be something that worked in our favour. If the authorities couldn't decipher who had done this then I fully intended for us to use our contacts and find them ourselves. The police didn't have much new information, and certainly hadn't uncovered any strong suspects. They presumed whoever was at the scene had gotten away in a vehicle, as they had one set of tyre marks other than Bella's. I heard Emmett think as I was, that they were not the assailant's tracks, they were ours. It was of no concern though; we knew they wouldn't ever link it back to us.

In turn we told them all that we knew. The edited for human version of all that we knew. Emmett and I had been out of town doing errands for Esme. We hadn't seen anything on the drive back as we came back to the house from the other direction. Alice had received a call but the line was clear, so she hung up thinking it was a mistake call in Bella's pocket. She hadn't heard anything unusual on the line. We'd been expecting her some time in the evening, but I was late back from town and Alice wasn't concerned initially when waiting for her arrival. She simply never showed. I said I thought I might have done something wrong, but after a while we decided it was too out of character and Alice called Charlie. That was when we heard what had happened. We mentioned how Charlie had passed on his apologies to me via Alice for not calling as soon as he knew something was wrong. He was in shock as well as attempting to be in police mode, and said he couldn't manage to tell anyone initially, not even Bella's mother. Waylon Smith said he knew this to be the case from being with Charlie, and apologised for not getting in touch with Edward himself on behalf of Chief Swan.

They accepted all that we told them, and I couldn't pick out any doubt whatsoever. There was simply no reason for us to have any connection to this other than by being secondary victims. What did get me thinking was when premeditation came up. They didn't think it was anyone who Bella knew and were trying to determine whether the person or persons had chosen Bella specifically or if it was a chance encounter. Initial inspection of the truck didn't show any intentional tampering however they were waiting for further results. If my mind could focus when I got back to wait with Bella, I would try and put some thought into this. There could easily be something we were missing.

-x-x-x-

Returning to our house was a huge relief. I took over from Esme, who had sat there loyally and lovingly stroking Bella's forehead, as if she was her own daughter who needed care and nursing. I sat there, staring at my girl as the time ticked by. She was so still, and she finally almost looked peaceful. Carlisle had removed the intubation tube, and all of the lines he had inserted. When he was finished, Rosalie and Esme had cleaned her up, while Alice and I were with the police. They had done well considering the state she was in before, and it was a slight comfort not having to see her so violated anymore. I knew that as the venom took, if it did as it should, then she would start healing. If this worked, there should be very little evidence of her torture. I supposed that the deepest stab wounds would leave faint scars, as well as my two bite marks on her wrists. Thankfully there were no serious injuries anywhere too visible. Her face would still be perfect. Perhaps even more perfect, if that was at all possible.

"Edward, can I see you for a moment?" Carlisle said softly from the doorway.

Alice had been sitting in the hall outside the door. She pushed herself up off the carpet to come in and take my place, neither of us wanting Bella to be alone. I dragged my feet to meet my father, the voice that came out of me a thick whisper.

"She must be in agony."

"We don't know that. She had so much morphine in her system. We don't know the effect that will have on her experience," Carlisle said.

I crumpled my face in confusion. I was struggling to get a grasp on what Carlisle was thinking over the past day. His thoughts had been unclear and unsettled with varying levels of confidence. I guess the disruption to his family was getting to him as much as the rest of us.

"Carlisle, I can't read you. One minute you're tossing around doom, the next you're reassuring me. I just don't know what to believe in or what to do anymore," I agonised through gritted teeth.

"Look, at the moment, I'm marginally confident. Yet at the same time, there's no text book to consult on this stuff. It's a gamble, not to mention, if she comes to…we won't simply be able to prescribe what's going to happen. So, I don't know," he shrugged, "Just, talk to her. If not for your own sake, and for her, then maybe do it for me. I'm not saying that it won't turn out just fine, but…say goodbye, or something, just in case."

I didn't want to say anything. I didn't have the emotion left to refute him, yet at the same time I also wouldn't agree that it was necessary. I simply sighed and turned to go back to my girl.

Before I rounded the door back into the office, I tuned in to the fact that my sister was talking to Bella. Despite my ache to be closer to her, I let the wall outside the room take my weight while Alice had some time alone. Her words tugged at the few emotional threads left within me that hadn't already been snapped under the weight of this ordeal.

"I've lost a piece of me in you," she said softly, "So can I ask that you please don't high tail out of here with it? Not only for me and Edward, because this hurts so much, but also for Jasper. He's sensitive to emotion, especially mine, and this could crumble our foundations a little if we're both trying to cope with such a massive loss. If the whole family is trying to cope, that's just too much pressure for us to withstand."

She was rambling, of course.

"Bella, I don't know what I believe anymore. I didn't believe this could happen, that anything could happen to you, and it did. So now I doubt my instincts and I don't know what I believe. There's still something so strong in me saying that I should believe you're still going to be here in the future. There's a big hole for me but then afterwards you're still here, and you're with Edward….I'm rambling."

I almost managed a smile. Almost.

"Bella, the point is, if you can hear me, which I think you can, because I'm stubborn like that, then hurry up and wake up. You can't die. I do not give you permission."

She let out a huge sigh as Jasper approached me in the hall.

"How are the girls?"

"Alice is holding on, it seems. It's worrying her that she can't settle on an outcome though," I replied quietly.

"And Bella?"

"Holding on?" I said with an uncertain intonation.

Jasper peered around me at Alice and Bella. The anxiety of the family was hard on him at the moment, so he stayed in other rooms for periods until he couldn't handle being away from Alice anymore.

"Edward," he spoke, looking at me with conviction, "She'll come back, brother. She's loyal to a fault. That combined with her strength of will and character…she'll always come back."

"Carlisle isn't so sure," I countered reluctantly.

"Carlisle is always cautious, you know that. Even when there is no risk, he'll cover the risk, just in case. It's how he ensures the well being of his family. You know that it's in his nature to give you a warning."

I nodded, grateful for Jasper calming me with his presence and reiterating the knowledge that was being scrambled with my angst. Despite this, Carlisle and Alice's words instigated a desire to talk to my girl. Whether unnecessary or fruitless, I still needed to get it off my chest.

I felt a little hand take mine and squeeze. I looked down at Alice and she gave me a little nod of encouragement. The fact that she had regained herself a little from her initial shock, was a good sign. I could only hope that things continued in this manner, and we didn't all take a massive crash back down. As my sister and brother walked away from me, Alice nuzzling into Jasper's arm, I couldn't help but dream that one day soon that would be Bella and I once again.

I sat back down next to the bed and took Bella's cold hand in mine. It took me a while to speak. She probably couldn't hear me, but I was still stupidly nervous.

"Carlisle's a careful man, cautious and realistic," I said softly to her, "He told me that I should prepare myself and say goodbye. On the off chance that this doesn't work, and you were too far gone."

I paused, as the floodgates opened and everything I wanted to say tumbled into my mind at once.

"But I won't, because you don't really know it yet, but you're everything. The world doesn't exist for me unless you're in it.

"And I know that that's selfish, and that what I've done here is totally self-absorbed. So I'll understand if you come through this and don't want me anymore or that you may not want to return to us at all, not like this. But if you _can_ summon the strength, if you _do_ want to, please, come back…even if it's not to me. I can still live if you are, too.

The fact that I was saying this with her lying there helpless grated at me, and it was spilling out now with passion.

"I bet you're scared. For one of very few times in my life, I'm scared. I'm scared of everything. I'm scared to move, I'm scared to breathe, I'm scared to touch you.

I can't lose you. I won't survive. And I have to tell you that some of that's your fault. You made me love you, you made me let you in, and then you freaking died in my arms."

I paused, squeezing her hand a little to calm myself.

"Despite all that though, I won't say goodbye. I'm going to hold on for you, because I love you, and that's what you do when you love someone. You hold on for them when they can't…you hold on to them, and you hope like hell that maybe, just maybe, that love is enough to overcome the darkness and bring them back.

"Come back, Bella, because I refuse to say goodbye."

-x-x-x-

…_So tell me when you hear my heart stop_

_You're the only one who knows_

_Tell me when you hear my silence_

_There's a possibility I wouldn't know…_

-x-x-x-


	17. Possibility

**A/N** Hello again my faithful chicas. So, reviews suggest we like Edward and we found the last chapter fairly sad: thanks for some great comments. This is the last bit from Edward, though there are plenty more questions and answers to come.

Thanks to those who wandered over to my new story. I'd love to hear your thoughts; it's on my profile page. I will develop this further, but likely not until after Eighteen.

I can't emphasise how great it is to hear from people. I know I said initially that this was just for me, but once people start reading and reviewing, that changes a bit. I am immensely humbled by my group of readers, and while I endeavour to get updates to you as fast as I can, I also want to give you a thorough piece that I can be proud of. So if I am a bit slow at the moment, it is because I am writing ahead, making sure I don't post prematurely, meaning you miss something. Thank you for your patience.

I owe so much to elusivetwilight. We're 11,001 miles apart, but I swear, she's right here. You hold my writing heart Jen. Huge thanks to cereuleanblue for taking the time to peruse over my words with her keen literary eye. L&P and Pineapple Lumps to bootsnsapphires, who pre-read this chappy. Kisses to all of you.

Cheers once again for the use of your characters and some of your words, Stephenie.

Songs: 'Open Your Eyes' By Snow Patrol.

'The Kill' By 30 Seconds to Mars (Acoustic Version)

-x-x-x-

**Possibility**

Part I

_All this feels strange and untrue  
And I won't waste a minute without you  
My bones ache, my skin feels cold  
And I'm getting so tired and so old_

The anger swells in my guts  
And I won't feel these slices and cuts  
I want so much to open your eyes  
'Cause I need you to look into mine

Tell me that you'll open your eyes…

-x-x-x-

_**- Edward - **_

She looked so beautiful in her dress. After all that she had been through, she still looked beautiful. I couldn't escape the irony; the strength of her beauty ran so deep that it even outlasted the impending loss of her soul. The memories of the past months had been taunting me as I sat for innumerable hours next to my girl. I recalled the night we laid on her couch while I murmured Romeo's lines into her ear, the night we first made love. I had been so enamoured by her scent and feel of her in my arms that evening. I never could have foreseen our own tragic correlation to the film that Bella had studied so thoroughly. Images of my struggle against her sexual appeal and then the passion of that night, flittered through my mind; I whispered to her,

"_Death, that hath suck'd the honey of thy breath,  
Hath had no power yet upon thy beauty…"_

I wished my words could have melted her body into me a little more closely, warm and full of life, as they had done holding her on the sofa. Where Bella was concerned, my memory was especially indelible. I could only dream of the possibilities that lay ahead for us, now that we would be alike. I would have much less worry of harming her, and I could show her how truly passionate I was about her, her body…though all of that would be an impossible fantasy if she never forgave me. That was an outcome which I was trying not to think of.

_That color looks stunning with her complexion_.

Alice. Her soft musings broke through, drawing me out of my wavering mind. I tried not to intrude on the thoughts of my family, if I could help it. They were accustomed to the fact that being around me generally meant a lack of privacy, so I had become adept at keeping their minds quiet where possible. There were times, however, in which I was grateful that they could be a welcome distraction.

"Mmm," I murmured. "Thanks Ali, for adding your touch to what Rose and Esme did."

"Of course," she said, "None of us could bear seeing her like that, and the blood really started to get to Jasper once the pressure was off and things had settled a little."

Her words hit home; I had placed them all in a horrible position. I had questioned whether my actions regarding Bella were selfish, when really, what was truly selfish was my lack of consideration for my family. When I had walked into our house with Bella, the feeling of her blood soaking my clothing held me centred only on the girl I held in my arms. The reality of what that amount of blood meant for us was being kept at bay by my desperation. I could be facing far more conflict in this moment, if my family hadn't coped as well as they did. Not only that, but I had also put them at risk of suspicion and exposure by taking human processes and the law into my own hands. The idea of having to choose between my family and my love was…unthinkable. Truthfully, I had been putting them at risk for months.

"God, I owe you all. More than you can imagine," I whispered.

"It was impressive, huh? I just never saw anyone losing control. I kept trying to look for it, for someone cracking, but it just didn't show. I was so worried I was missing something," she said, shaking her head in disbelief, "but the pressure of the situation and our love for Bella totally overcame our instincts."

I didn't share her recovered level of enthusiasm; however, I did share her recognition that love had overcome instinct. When it came to Bella, my love had overcome my instinct for a long while now, though it had reached a crescendo as I put my mouth to her skin three days ago. When she had returned to Forks, she had instantly tested the remaining shreds of humanity that I had managed to cloak myself in. Her blood sang to me. It was an innate attraction that, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't deny. Even over distance, miles of land and ocean separating us, still, Bella called to me. It was through great restraint and insurmountable adoration that I was able to learn to keep her close to me.

In changing her, I had tasted her blood, blood that bloomed in an inexorable cloud around me, blood which I had desired with all my being. I hadn't been disappointed. As it had sung to me simply in being, it sang to me still as it flushed across my flicking tongue. My cold vampire needs wanted more, greedy as ever, as if hunting the finest kind of prey. Her blood was too unique for me to ever be satiated by it; I would always be wanting, desiring her to course through me, even when there was no more. I knew that drinking her dry would not fulfil me. It was the ultimate elixir for me and I could never have enough of it. I was her predator. She was my prey. There had been nothing else in this world except for that truth. Until now. Now that truth was toppled by a higher one: Love. Cold and soulless, love still overcame.

When Alice had last returned to the office, she had taken up residence in Carlisle's huge brown leather armchair. I glanced over to her briefly, totally dwarfed in the wingback sides, deep in contemplation over the challenges her gift had faced in the past few days. Her visions were flashing from dark to bright like a strobe light. She was still searching for missing pieces, knowing that we needed to keep alert now, more than ever. My sister was selfless, through and through. She gave so much to all of us, not just through her special insight, but her innate impulse for positivity and love. I, on the other hand, was consistently making decisions that had serious consequences for others, be it for Bella or for my family.

"You're a better person than me, Alice," I said morosely.

She gave me what she termed her 'cross face'. I think Esme was the only one who still managed to hold her ground when Alice tried to wear us down with her knack for persuasion.

"Edward, if you don't know that I would have done _exactly _what you have done for Bella, then you don't know me as well as I thought you did," she said frankly.

"Yes, but…" I began.

"NOT 'yes, but'! Yes but _nothing_. I don't give a rat's ass if it's selfish, there was no way I couldn't _not_ be friends with her, you couldn't _not_ explore your love for her; _she_ couldn't die."

My sister was certainly opinionated, but I wasn't expecting that sort of tenacity from her on the subject.

"Don't look so dumbfounded. I know you Edward. You've been wallowing in a pool of self torture and questioning for four days."

I looked back to Bella, which basically gave Alice the affirmation she didn't need. After a moment she relaxed the defiant posture she had taken and settled back into the leather.

"Look, this might not be easy to begin with, but we're with you on this. Not just because it's gone too far and we have to be, because we _want_ to be. I think the past few days have shown that, don't you?"

It seemed Alice could always be trusted to keep my errant mind in check. My family wouldn't have let things progress as they had if they didn't support my decision on some level. When I thought back to when we made the decision, with Bella bleeding out and repetitively crashing, Carlisle had not once deterred me from changing her. He had questioned my willingness, my ability, but not the validity of the choice.

God, I couldn't take much more of this. I was torn between desperation for her to awaken, and reluctance to begin this uncertain new chapter. My multifaceted vampire mind was wearing me down.

"You still can't see anything?" I questioned Alice.

"Nothing clear that appears to be in the near future, just foggy snippets of her face. After having been so terrified for her, I fear that some of the images of Bella may simply be my own projections. I'm hoping when she comes to, that I will get more directly from her."

Alice had never had too much trouble picking Bella out in her visions. There had never been anything terribly dramatic, but it had helped us to tune in to her a little more, where my usual abilities were failing me. Bella was immune to me, the only person I had ever encountered whom I couldn't hear the thoughts of to some extent. I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little jealous that Alice and Jasper didn't have the same restriction. Fortunately, I still had access to what they garnered via their thoughts. Alice was skilful at blocking me out when she really wanted to, though it was transparent she was doing so, and it was always possible for her stubbornness to cave to me.

The problem was that Alice's visions were subjective. They failed her if the elements didn't align correctly. She hadn't seen Bella being murdered. She couldn't see who was responsible or what their motive was. She couldn't see where they were now. She couldn't see what was going to happen when Bella woke up and found out she was a vampire.

At the moment, the only hope for answers lay in front of me. I looked at my girl, really looked at her. The scent of the drugs had dissipated, and in that moment I recognised another change in her heartbeat. This time, it was…

"Something's different," Alice said, pushing herself up off the armchair with a creak.

"Carlisle," I called, just loud enough for him to hear.

Carlisle walked in momentarily, coming to stand beside Alice at Bella's bed.

"Listen," I said.

"Ah," my father said. "It's almost over." The rest of his thoughts went unspoken.

_I'm sorry if I added to your doubt. I just couldn't bear for you to get your hopes up and be defeated by an unexpected outcome. You must stop berating yourself._

I blocked him out then. There was still so much more to come, my hopes were never going to do more than hitch in miniscule peaks. Carlisle had been looking in on Bella regularly. He was as anxious as me to know that things were progressing, despite her trauma and the delays, combined with the fluids and drugs in her system from trying to keep her alive. He had given her morphine initially, terrified of her feeling any pain, and took extra measures by anaesthetizing her when he came to do operative work.

We had no idea what that would do to the venom. Ultimately, we hoped it meant she couldn't feel its burning pain too badly, the burning pain that we could each recall, despite the decades that had passed. She hadn't moved. She hadn't made a sound. I had sworn that was a foreboding sign. Of course, Carlisle had speculated that it might mean her cognitive suffering was minimal. Now, after so much time, she _had_ to be in pain.

A wave of imminent change filtered throughout the house as Alice ducked out of the room to see that the rest of my family were aware. She need not have, as I registered them taking heed and rousing from their various lodgings, before Alice got to them. Emmett gave my shoulder a squeeze as he walked past with Rosalie, who was trying to keep her thoughts in check around me. Emmett worried me with his shock at my appearance.

_Dude, your eyes are bad, you should have fed. _

I welcomed Jasper's presence back in the office, feeding off the filtering wave of calm that he was concentrating on projecting. While I didn't want to stifle her and create something artificial, I knew that Jasper's facility may be put to good use when Bella came to.

_If_ Bella came to.

"Maybe…Carlisle, maybe I was too late."

"Listen to her heart, Edward. It's stronger than even Emmett's was. I've never heard anything so _vital_. She'll be perfect," he encouraged.

"But she's so still…" I began.

"Careful what is spoken," Alice whispered, "no doubt she can sense…"

Esme swept into the room and brushed a shiny lock of hair from Bella's face. Her thoughts were as pure and loving as always, hoping that she could truly have three daughters soon. My mother had always wanted to love Bella as fully as she loved the rest of us; however, she held a sliver of guilt that she couldn't give herself to Bella fully and truthfully. I knew that guilt all to well. While I had given Bella more of me than anyone, there was still that sliver of myself I was holding back; the sliver of a secret that was really a traitorous deal-breaker.

"How much longer?" I asked.

"It won't be long now," Alice told me. "See how clear she's becoming? I can see her so much better." She sighed. For the first couple of days she had tortured herself, straining to find her visions. Even now, she only had Bella as images, there were no actions attached.

They all stood back from Bella's bed, leaving me the closest to her. I was nervous. I had spent a hundred years without substantial nerves, until Bella came into my life. I had never wanted to do wrong by her, always fearing her reaction if she suspected what I was. I had been on edge expecting for her to uncover my secret, knowing her mind was generally so quick, so astute. All the things I thought would give it away for sure remained unmentioned by her, and I was never exposed. Something about this evaded her. Alice insinuated that it was because she was love struck, before she had the chance to really question my peculiarities. I myself could not explain it.

I had never wanted my life for her; it was no life for someone like Bella. She was vibrant, alive, and I would not destroy that by taking her soul. Even worse, I would never take that from her without her first knowing the truth. That had been my edict, up until I had no other choice. I couldn't fathom what her reaction would be. I could only expect for her to hate me, to recognise me for the monster I am. The monster I had always been, who crossed the line when I could no longer deny my attraction to her. I was about to learn the consequences.

I took my hands away from her as her lithe form violently arched off the bed, restraining myself from blanketing her with my body and feeding desperate words of comfort into her ear. She would never understand, it could only make things worse. It was torture, seeing the evidence that she truly was suffering. Though I knew it to be nothing compared with the torture that was her reality for the past few days. Once again, a hatred for what I had done to something so precious boiled at my edges.

The room was deathly silent; silent aside from the sound reverberating from the walls, thudding in our ears. The noise which was much more recognisable in the room than it should have been, given it was coming from my girl's tiny frame.

Deathly silent.

With one final resounding thud, a gentle stutter and one final beat, her heart stopped.

This time, it was for good. The last sound it would ever make.

My eyes were fixated on her, scanning for any signs of movement, any hint that she might be returning to us. If she was truly okay, then the final turning of her heart should lead to her awakening. Time seemed thick and slow, even for me, as I waited and watched for a twitch of a finger, a flicker of her long, dark lashes.

I squeezed my own eyes closed, willing over and over again for something to change when I opened them again, like that time when I looked might be different. I opened them again, looking first into my lap, and then raised them to her once more. They met her face; the crimson hue of her lips, the delicate tip of her nose, her beautiful, terrified, deep red eyes.

Beautiful eyes which were looking back at me.

_Bella…_

-x-x-x-

Part Two

_What if I wanted to fight  
Beg for the rest of my life  
What would you do?  
You say you wanted more  
What are you waiting for?  
I'm not running from you_

Come break me down  
Bury me, bury me  
I am finished with you  
Look in my eyes  
You're killing me, killing me  
All I wanted was you

-x-x-x-

_**- Bella - **_

There was nothing for so long. There was nothing and then there was foggy, dirty black that I couldn't clear away. Then back to nothing again. I had thought that being conscious of the blackness meant progress, that I was coming to and that this would be over soon. But the blackness included times of pain, an indecipherable ache pulsating to varying degrees throughout my entire body. It resulted in me feeling mangled; the hurt felt like my insides were on my outside. He had stabbed me, and broken me, and now I could feel it. But I couldn't scream, I couldn't see, and I still wasn't really there.

Nothing made sense. I could come up with nothing but questionable answers. I must be in a coma, or anaesthetized, perhaps in surgery. I was sure from my limited knowledge that the point of anaesthesia was that you didn't feel what was going on. Perhaps I _had_ been anaesthetized, and now it was wearing off. All I knew was that the doctors weren't doing a very good job. I was sure that I should be so well medicated that I didn't feel a thing. The worst was when I hallucinated the feeling of bleeding. There was throbbing and stabbing aches, and then this awful feeling of oozing black wetness all around me. I begged to be taken away. The blackness without pain would soon return, drowning me in an unconscious void.

-x-x-x-

I couldn't give an actual area to a body, to _my_ body; there was just hazy sensation of space. I was immensely glad that it was hazy, as I had a suspicion that the pain could be or should be a _lot_ worse. That was until the black was infiltrated with purple, a faint wisp of purple that brought with it the sensation of something beating. It was faint and centred, but it gave me a reference point to where my heart was in amidst the haze. I didn't like the purple, purple hurt. It felt like someone was manipulating the safety of my black, attempting to get it to function in a way it didn't want to. The beating was struggling against itself. I could tell instantly, it couldn't be sustained.

I didn't have time to register anything further; a swirling mist of cerulean blue started rinsing itself through, pushing through the black and purple like a flimsy bulldozer. They fused a little on the edges, where the black created a rich navy. The overall vision was as if the dark of the night and the blue of the day were toying with each other as they transitioned. It wasn't long until I couldn't decipher whether or not the purple remained; as tar stained blue moved through, any awareness I had was extinguished by its path. The last fleeting thought I managed, was to hope that this new color really was anaesthesia. Or Death. Death, with no lingering, once and for all. I didn't want to know anymore.

-x-x-x-

Time went missing for periods. I would get a fright, because suddenly there was blackness again, like I had been absent and returned. The gaps meant that I had no concept of where the next part of the struggle fitted on my continuum. I still couldn't move, or feel. I just was. I decided that I liked the lingering better, as at least that held a semblance of my old form, feeling and vision. Black had nothing but shambles of thought. Or maybe, black simply had nothing.

-x-x-x-

...Purple came back.

Purple was deep like the skin of an aubergine, but I could see it because it shot into the blackness like the Northern Lights. It didn't feel as forced as it had the last time it appeared. This felt to be more of its own volition, but the beating, which it seemed to aid, still didn't feel sustainable.

Maybe they wouldn't let me go. Maybe they were working on me, fighting to save my life. Black was calm, closer to death. Purple was when they were fighting. Purple brought me closer to life, to pain. Blue took me away from it all. I wanted blue back.

-x-x-x-

...Red. _Red_. _RED. _

_Burning_ hot red.

Hotter. Too hot. Much, much too hot.

Bright chilli red ballooned in, encompassing everything. I felt the pulse behind the fire raging now in my chest and realized that I'd found my heart again, just in time to wish I never had. To wish that I'd embraced the black while I'd had the chance. I wanted to claw my chest open and rip the heart from it, but my arms didn't exist. The very idea of movement was nothing more than a delusion.

The colour and the feeling represented each other perfectly. If one could possibly imagine what being burned in flames felt like, I was pretty sure this was exactly it. In fact, I was willing to gamble that it might be worse. I figured that real flames would take you away pretty quickly. I didn't seem to be going anywhere. I started begging for blue, willing it to wash through again, trying to materialize it by imagining it as hard as I could.

The pain was bewildering. Anything that had come before paled into insignificance. _This _was suffering. It shocked me that this level of anguish was even possible, and I hoped like hell it wasn't common. I couldn't bear the thought of another human being feeling what I felt. I think that what made it so obscene was being locked in. I was locked into myself, mute and unable to scream for relief or answers, unable to thrash or freeze as the pain urged me to. Though at the same time, if there were people around me right now, then I wouldn't want them to have to endure me verbally and physically fighting this battle as I went through it mentally. Imagine if Edward or my parents had a voice or an image to my pain; that would be awful.

I was smothered and suffocated by the firestorm that was chewing its way through my heart now, spreading with impossible pain as it scalded my throat, licking at my face. The attack on my neck felt as if it was squeezing insufferable pressure up into my head, leaving it throbbing and aching to explode. As the burning continued and changed in peaks and troughs of varying intensity, I could almost give placement to other areas of body, with phantom limbs joining the same spot of my heart I had found earlier. That wasn't a good thing, however. It meant focused torture. The burning intensified in different areas, moving at a gruesomely slow pace. It was like a virus was destroying my body, one millimetre at a time, one hour at a time.

I couldn't understand, couldn't make sense of what was happening. My body tried to reject the pain and I was sucked again and again into a fiery blackness that cut out whole seconds or maybe even minutes of the agony, making it that much harder to keep up with reality.

_Reality_. After what I had been going through, I really had no concept of what reality was for me anymore. So I tried to give this new state some form of distinction.

Non-reality was black, and it didn't hurt so much. Reality was red, and it felt like I was being sawed in half, hit by a bus, punched by a prize fighter, trampled by bulls, and submerged in acid, all at the same time.

Despite the terror the blackness instilled in me, by now I managed to remain surprisingly calm. I had no choice, I couldn't do anything. At times my thoughts were comforting; at others my errant mind ran away on a melodramatic track. I had to keep my thoughts controlled. Though I didn't have sense yet of where they were coming from, if I didn't settle my mind, this would be much harder than it already was.

_Whatever 'this' was._

What could I remember? What had been good?

_I remembered the fight. I remembered the blood. I remembered the part where I didn't get a choice to fight anymore. Edward's face all twisted and broken, carrying my body home. Charlie's denial, his struggling, his tears. Renee so strong, and then so weak. How it hurt to think their names, how I couldn't conjure up their images clearly in my darkness. _

Stop!

_I…I liked books, reading. I liked Italian food. I liked Italian food when Edward served it to me. Music. Edward's music, his compositions on his grand piano. Watching movies. Watching movies in Edward's arms, his voice whispering in my ear. "These violent delights have violent ends, and in their triumph die…", or was it "Death, that hath suck'd the honey of thy breath, hath had no power yet upon thy beauty"? I could imagine his voice now…_

There was no sense in playing mind games. It would keep coming back to Edward or dying. I wondered if Edward and Charlie would be waiting in the hospital for me. Charlie and Renee would have heard that I had been found by now, and they would be waiting with Edward and the Cullens. Carlisle would help me, I was sure. Edward would be frantic inside, begging his father to do something. Carlisle would be the doctor able to fix all the colors that kept hurting me and bring me back. I hoped that was what was happening. All I had were those plaguing and unanswerable questions, managing to garner intermittent attention from my mind, through the pain that begged to overwhelm me.

The heat spiked again, raging against a brick wall and trying to burn its way through against the pressure. There was nothing I could do to intervene; the wall put up a good defence, and the two battled against each other. Just as I thought I could take no more, the wall succumbed and the heat moved on to destroy the next layer.

The internal fighting alone was exhausting. The fight between whether or not I had the energy left in me to survive. Maybe being in between, just lingering, maybe that was better, with its torturing inability to do anything and the horrible watching. I couldn't do anything while I was like this, either. I was gagged and bound, weighted down to the bottom of a dark ocean, all alone. Thoughts of Edward and my family had made me want to live. Did I have that option? Because what I was feeling and going through now told me otherwise. Living didn't feel like a choice that was open to me. I was exhausted.

Dying was easier.

All I wanted was to die. The whole of my existence did not outweigh this pain.

Let me die, let me die, let me die.

_If I couldn't scream, how could I tell them to kill me?_

And for a never-ending space, that was all there was. Just the fiery torture, and my soundless shrieks, pleading for death to come. Nothing else, not even time. Time. Time was a misnomer, disappearing on me when I was enchanted in my new relationship with Edward, and now it was evading me further; ever since…since the side of the highway.

-x-x-x-

It could have been days or weeks. There were no obvious markers to the burning, until it changed. There was a moment of relief in what I had deciphered as my upper body, before the fire and pain moved. I could hear things. Delicate footsteps. Later, heavier ones that came and went. Then, impossibly, the pain doubled, presenting me with another challenge to my will. The problem was, even if I gave up the fight, as I had tried so many times, it didn't change. I had begged to die, succumbing and allowing myself to move on to another place, but nothing happened. I always thought the will to live played a large part in survival, but this was so out of my control, and I hated it. Whether I had the will or not was redundant. I was being kept in this prison, no matter what.

Sound was intermittent and to varying degrees. I revelled when I heard breathing that certainly wasn't my own. There were tones, tones that sounded like voices. The voice that was closest. Edward's. It could only be Edward's; so lyrical, yet subtlety masculine. I focused on its cooling sound, because when I tried to focus on the words and couldn't make them out, it only made me want to scream and thrash again.

Eventually, time, as it was in the present, came to mean something again. The weight of the darkness began to lift a little. I was no longer chained to the bottom of the ocean, but bobbing somewhere just above it. The surface still seemed nowhere in sight.

In small increments, I felt like I might be able to move. I might have been able, but I was far too terrified to try anything. Not only was I terrified, but something told me not to. Don't scream, don't move, don't even twitch. I could feel things. A brush to where my face should be, a touch to where my hand should be. Gradually, I could make out actual words and people talking, but none of it made sense.

"How much longer?" Edward asked.

"It won't be long now," Alice told him. "See how clear she's becoming? I can see her so much better." She sighed.

They were talking about me? Not long now? I was both relieved and hesitant about what this would mean. I made out other noises, the subtle shuffling of bodies. My hearing got clearer and clearer, how I imagined it would be if it was the only sense I had to rely on. Still, the fire blistered away.

No doubt they feared that I was suffering. I _was_ suffering, but I had a new found stubbornness or strength, that I didn't think was of my own volition. Perhaps experiencing what I had truly did make you stronger. It became obvious that, for the entire time since the blackness arrived, I was never in control. If I held the control, I would have screamed out now, the moment that the weights finally left my body. Something far stronger than the Bella I knew was holding me in check, the same something that had forbidden me from disappearing into the black when I had pleaded for it to be over.

Instead of thick blackness, I was now met with the mottled charcoal of when you simply closed your eyelids. It gave me sense of where my face was. My whole body had shape now, and sensation. I shuddered to think what those around me were looking at. For the amount of pain and burning, my injuries had to be fairly significant. I wondered if I was covered and bandaged. I wondered if I still looked like me, at all. I started counting to get through the pain, and to prevent me from thinking about my surroundings.

I was stifled at two thousand, six hundred and sixty nine. The room was silent besides the jack-hammering of my heart as they all stopped breathing. That was when it took off, pounding in my ears like the blades of a helicopter pummelling the air above my head. It felt as though it would grind through my rib cage and combust in my chest. The fire flared up, then like a backdraught, it sucked back the remnants of the flames from the rest of my body, fuelling and exploding into the most scorching blaze yet. It took hold of my untapped iron will and arched me upwards, bowing my body as if I was speared brutally and lifted from my sternum. The strength that had contained me previously was defeated in that moment, until I slumped back down to bear witness to the new fight between fire and heart. Both were losing. The fire was doomed, having consumed everything that was combustible. It would take with it my heart as its last sacrifice, as the overwhelmed organ raced towards its last beat.

They would think the violent movement was me seizing. I expected a panic, shouting, a flurry of medical equipment being moved. There was no sound of any monitors. No beeping of an ECG. No artificial breathing of a ventilator. This was it. I was gone. They had switched off anything that had been sustaining me, and this was what it felt like when my body shut down for the final time.

The fire constricted. My heart answered with a resounding thud.

It stuttered twice and then thudded quietly again once more.

For a moment, the absence of pain was all I could comprehend. It was then that I opened my eyes and gazed above me in wonder.

After the detail of the wood panelling on the ceiling, the first thing I saw of any comfort was Edward's eyes above me. Comfort for the millisecond in which I hadn't registered how _black _they were. I had known them to be pools of dark mystique, often fooling me to think they had changed shades with the light of the day from their usual rich amber. These were tar black, not dissimilar from the black I had just emerged from.

_I really wasn't alive._

_I was gone, and that wasn't the real Edward._

-x-x-x-


	18. Blindsided

**A/N **

I'm so excited about this new phase of the story! Gratitude to my marvellous betas, and love you all to pieces for reading. Your reviews make me super giddy every time one pops into the inbox xx

Song: 'Do What You Have To Do' By Sarah McLachlan

-x-x-x-

**Blindsided**

_What ravages of spirit  
Conjured this temptuous rage  
Created you a monster  
Broken by the rules of love  
And fate has led you through it  
You do what you have to do_

_And fate has led you through it  
You do what you have to do_

_Every moment marked  
With apparitions of your soul  
I'm ever swiftly moving  
Trying to escape this desire  
The yearning to be near you  
I do what I have to do_

-x-x-x-

The black was still haunting me. Earlier, it had been overcome by the fire, yet here it was returning to infiltrate Edward's eyes. And they were so_ clear_. Ridiculously clear, so that I could see all the color variations from his pupil to iris, even though it was black on black; I could see every eyelash where it met the edge of his eyelid, and the perfect arc of his eyebrows. His skin was such an even and creamy tone, perfectly smooth, not a blemish or divot, and his hair was such a delicious myriad of complimentary dark auburn tones. I could _see _all of this.

That was the first hint that this wasn't real.

I expected pain when I moved, so was surprised at the ease in which I could turn my head away from Edward to gather the rest of my surroundings. What I _didn't _expect was another seven pairs of eyes trained on me, in a room that was clearly _not _a hospital. I furrowed my brow and raised my neck a little to look along my body.

_No tubes._

_No dressings._

_No wounds, no blood._

_Long silk dress._

Feelings of utter confusion hit me, I leapt up from the bed, terrifying myself with the speed at which I seemed to move when I almost collided with the wall.

_No pain._

No pain?

That was when I decided this definitely wasn't real.

Horribly unreal.

I was truly gone.

The emotion changed and sadness crept over me. When the pain first ended and the blackness had lifted, I had thought I had made it, and that I'd pulled through the torment to finally be reunited with my family. As quickly as the sadness crept in however, it was swept away delicately, through no willing of my own. It seemed I couldn't even feel what I wanted to.

I looked tentatively back to my audience. What was the most off putting was the way in which they were all still staring at me. It was making me feel threatened in a way the Cullen family never had before. Carlisle was the only doctor, and aside from some neatly stacked supplies, there was little evidence that there had been any medical emergency. I had expected that when I awoke I would see Charlie, and Renee, but they were no where to be seen. Seeking stability, I pressed my fingertips into the wall behind me, feeling every tiny indentation in the wallpaper. The confusion and foreign sensations made me want to separate myself from my own body, or from my new incarnation, whatever that was. I was as threatened by my own being as I was by my strange environment. It was bizarre, this strong feeling of wanting to escape from my own skin.

I started to panic, but that dissolved swiftly to a simmer as well. Emotions simply didn't feel the same as I remembered them to. I searched for the pounding of my heart, but it wasn't there. I inhaled, but it didn't feel necessary. Instead, it filled my senses with a full and complex palate of every scent in the room. Each was separated into different strains, all identifiable. My body immediately reacted and identified favourites: sunshine, lilacs and honey, a delicious combination that came through the strongest. Lighter hints of cinnamon, hyacinth, rising bread, vanilla, cut grass and chocolate…so many more. I could _smell _all of these things.

Smell, sight and touch were absurdly hyper-sensitive.

I could only be gone.

It was Carlisle who cut into the silence and spoke first. He drew my attention, and I noticed for the first time that it wasn't just Edward who looked perplexingly clear. Carlisle had always been a decidedly handsome man, but this was something else. My living memory had taken my admiration for the Cullen's beauty and quadrupled it in death, and then some. I scanned them all quickly. Each one of them was so vivid, so effortlessly _beautiful_. As with Edward, I could see every tiny detail, every line of bone structure, every tone and curl in their hair, and their faultless pallor. They had been beautiful to me before, but this was something else. I was imagining it. I was projecting what I _wished_. They could only be some form of apparition, conjured from my memories and desires.

"Bella," he broached, stepping forward hesitantly as he spoke, coming to stand behind Edward's flank. "You're okay, dear. You're at our house in my office."

His tone reminded me of someone attempting to diffuse a hostage situation. What was more, I didn't believe him. Carlisle had always been a trustworthy father-figure in my eyes, but standing in front of him now, I didn't really believe at all that I was okay.

I tried to calm my mind and process what I could recall in an attempt to pull these all these random pieces into some sort of place. That was when I realised. Not only did I feel threatened, _they_ looked threatened. I think it was mostly the way in which they were positioned, the Cullen boys lined up slightly in front of the girls. Jasper in particular looked like he was ready to jump to the defence of his family at the slightest hint of trouble. Esme had a liquid look of sympathy and hesitation running through her doe eyes. Alice looked less threatened and more concentrated. She was clearly trying to read me, her face phasing between a tantalizing happiness that lit up her features, and a squinting thoughtfulness as she studied me. Edward stood ahead of them all, still where I had left him beside the bed.

_Edward._

It was as if I had never truly known him before now; as if I had spent months wearing rose-tinted glasses, though now that they had been removed in death, and the vision before me was impossibly better. His skin so luminous in its perfect paleness; his eyes, now that I had calmed from my prior shock, were remarkable with the pupils so dark and deep. I supposed this was some version of my heaven. Though, he looked nervous. Edward never really looked nervous.

_Dreams._

_Heaven?_

_Dead._

"I'm dead," I found the voice to whisper. I gasped a little at the melodic words my lips formed, both pronounced yet delicate. Nothing like I had ever perceived myself to sound like before.

"You were never in the hospital, Bella," Alice whispered, not really answering me, just speaking. "Carlisle and Edward, they…saved you."

Alice was normally so faultless; she stalled on 'saved'. Jasper nudged her a little, as if to tell her 'that's not the thing to say.' He shook his head a little imperceptibly. Except to my newly discovered senses, it was perceptible. If this was _my _heaven, then why was everyone behaving so differently? Subconsciously, I knew there was an answer; the clues simply weren't aligning yet. Something wasn't quite fitting, and I wondered if it might be me. _I_ was the elephant in the room, and no one knew quite how to address me.

Part of me was sure I should be panicking. It wasn't happening though; while my mind was juggling details, something was keeping my exterior calm. Scarily calm. I was dead. I didn't know how things were supposed to be. I didn't suppose there was any such thing as 'normal' anymore. But this…this was not right.

"Bella?"

It was Edward speaking to me now, though it was still this newly astonishing version of him. Even his voice was like the sweetest music, not dissimilar from what my own had just sounded like. He took my looking to him as prompt to continue.

"I need to tell you something…unimaginable. I know I shouldn't ask anything of you, given what I've done, but if you could just hear me out…" he said, still sounding so uncertain.

It was off-putting, seeing him act like this on my account. I had generally been the one to be nervy or self-conscious in our relationship. He always seemed the more stable and assured one, apart from when we first met and he had been cagey and strange around me. With no idea where I was, or _what_I was, I figured that I had very few other options at this point. So I stood where I was, frozen and pressed against the wall, and I listened.

"God," he said with an anguished sigh. "Where do I start? Please, don't freak out, if you can manage. I know that's an incredibly grand thing to ask, but if you don't give me the chance to tell you the whole story, then it really won't make sense. If making sense to you is even minutely possible," Edward implored, looking to the floor with a shake of his head.

He wasn't talking in a way that indicated that I was dead and he was my imaginary heaven version of Edward, who was now going to explain to me how this worked. My mind started grasping at straws. All I could think was that if I wasn't dead, then I had survived the attack, and when they had revived me I had lost my mind. I must be crazy; why else would they be looking at me like that? But why were they so _clear_? It only made sense that my subconscious was creating him, and that was how he knew to say all of this to me.

"I knew you when you were younger," Edward continued. "The feeling you had someone near you, or watching you? That was me."

Something about what he was saying made me feel suddenly claustrophobic. It felt like there was a wall around us that I had complete faith in, and now Edward had begun to work away at loosening the bricks. I hoped it wouldn't topple.

"That sounds really creepy, I'm sorry," he said, quieter. The look on his face suggested that he was reprimanding himself for the way this was going. He spoke a little louder again.

"We weren't living in Forks at the time when I found you; we had assumed other identities out of state. Though, aside from Carlisle, we were largely absent in the community, knowing we wanted to return nearby to Washington in the future. I came across you one day when I was running in the woods near your house. It was an instantaneous and innate attraction, which seems wrong, because you were a little girl, but so truthful when you understand what and who I am."

For every possible answer he gave me, another half dozen questions spilled from it creating a growing pile in my mind, but I was afraid to voice them. It felt as though too much discussion would tamper with whatever was unfolding here, and what I was going to learn. My lips felt heavily sealed, it was too early for me to interfere. I just focused in on Edward's words.

"When I say attraction, it was a torn one; a fight between my instincts to want to kill you and protect you at the same time. I convinced myself that you were never really at any risk from me, but we had planned when we were leaving, and that was still the best thing at the time. If you felt that I had gone suddenly, you were right. We did a stint in Europe, though I soon realised that I was pretty miserable. It took me a long time to work out that you were the absent ache that haunted me. The whole time we were gone, I still felt you; like you were there, but always just out of reach.

"I guess the most critical part is that," he paused and swallowed, before continuing, "I was seventeen then, and I'm seventeen now. You were about twelve. You've aged, and I haven't. It's impossible for me to grow older, I never will."

I narrowed my eyes at him, trying to get a sense of his legitimacy. He was telling me that he was eternally seventeen? It felt like I had to push through a barrier to access my living memories, and dust the fog off them to make them clearer. I was sure I had an idea of where this was going. I remembered the imaginary friend who I had justified to myself and accepted. I didn't recall ever sharing that story with Edward when we had been together. I knew Edward had felt familiar, and it sometimes seemed like he knew me better than he let on. There was more, though. What else had I been denying to myself? Or perhaps more pertinently in this moment, what else had he been keeping from me?

Standing here now, in this office stacked neatly with medical equipment, with the outlandish story I was hearing, I knew I was definitely right about one thing about the faces in front of me.

They weren't human.

Still, I didn't interrupt him.

"When we came back and settled in Forks, I felt an element of relief, as if I was getting closer to dulling the ache. After you moved back a year or so later, you were so, so close, and it hit me with such intensity. The fact that you were it. Not only were you the source of everything I was feeling, I just knew so clearly that you were supposed to be part of my life. That knowledge was torturous. You were beautiful, shy, happy and human, and here I was brooding and un-dead. To my mind there was no future for you that ended well. So I was all up and down, avoiding you but at the same time, loving being near you.

"I was trying to resist you, Bella. I never wanted to draw you in to my world. Then Alice stepped in and took things into her own hands. Not for me at all, though. She simply wanted you in her life, but had more guts than I did to make it happen. She had seen it though; she saw the two of you being amazing friends. It was one thing for Alice to be friends with you, though, but me...being friends with me didn't seem possible. The fact I had become familiar with you when you were younger meant it was easier for me to be around you, now that we were so close every day. The difficulty was that I already knew that I loved you, but I also had this innate vampiric instinct and fervour, which I had once internally fought against in order not to kill you. I couldn't just be friends with you; not when I wanted so much more, with such ferocity.

"Alice saw something else though...us, together. I fought her initially, but in her visions it all seemed okay; and importantly for me, there was never any sign of this happening. I guess it was partly that which allowed me to succumb to the desire. But then, a month ago, Alice finally had a vision of you as one of us. I managed to defy the idea until the week of your death, when I started thinking about it more and more. Alice's visions are subjective; she mostly sees things that have been decided to some extent. It could have simply been Alice's desires; there was never any strong indication of what would be the catalyst of your transformation. She could never piece together that you would be murdered."

"Edward, she's really confused," imaginary Jasper said quietly.

It was the first thing any one of them had said that made sense. Now Alice had visions? This was getting more and more layered. I noticed Edward sigh.

"There's no easy way to explain this, I'm making a mess of it. Bella, the reason we seem so different is because we _are _different. The reason I was so reluctant to get close to you was because I knew there was no simple future for us. I was always a threat to you in some way," he said, almost looking repulsed at himself.

"We aren't human. We're cold, we don't eat, and we don't sleep. We don't live in coffins, obviously, and we don't harm people, or turn into bats, or fear garlic. But we are…"

He paused. I looked away from them. There was something inherent in my new form that knew what he was saying. I knew what they were.

"_Vampires_?" I whispered, my eyes darting across the speckles of color in the carpet. My intonation indicated that I was simply airing the idea. I didn't truly believe it, because I still wasn't sure where all of this fitted with me and whatever place of existence I was in now.

I looked up and found those dark eyes again. He nodded at me, a reluctant confirmation which portrayed distinctly his likely guilt or regret that what I had said was the truth.

"And you are…" he muttered.

"You…" I whispered after a moment, not quite knowing what the words were supposed to be. I didn't know what either of us was trying to say.

"We changed you," he said. "You're like us now, too."

There was a distinct instant when I'm sure someone unplugged a vent, and a gushing blast of cold flew at me. I was sure there was even a sound effect, a 'whoosh' around my face. I felt so ignorant, because I still couldn't comprehend this.

"I need to explain though Bella," he said, moving towards me with entreat, as if I might now panic. He stopped when he noticed that I tried to move further back into the wallpaper than I already was.

"I'm here?" I whispered, finally finding my tongue again.

"You're here."

"I still don't understand where exactly here _is_," I said.

"We're still in Forks. I think Charlie is at home, Renee and Phil are still in town. We're physically as we were before you were attacked. You are the one who as changed…to be like us now," Edward said, repeating his words.

He looked at my uncertain face, then glanced back at his family.

"Can you recall anything about your truck and what happened on the highway?" he asked me tentatively.

I didn't feel much like talking further, especially not about that. I nodded. It was Carlisle who answered, giving Edward some respite from a story that his face said he wasn't up to telling.

"Edward and Emmett found you, largely by chance, though Alice had picked up on a few of the details to give them warning. Edward brought you back to the house. Your heart had stopped, and you had lost a phenomenal amount of blood. We tried to save you, to keep you human, but for every step of progress we made, we would suddenly take two backwards, and you kept crashing. We managed to get a semblance of a heartbeat, but even then the likelihood that you would have made it was negligible, if that. We had to make a decision and, I assure you Bella, it was most certainly not made lightly."

There was an eerie silence.

"How?" I managed very softly. They heard me anyway.

"Edward's venom," Carlisle said awkwardly, understanding my question.

Part of me wanted to slide down the wall and crumple into the floor to let the shock absorb me. I guessed that was the old Bella, if any of her still existed.

"I died?" I said, looking to Edward as I found my tongue again.

"You died."

"You brought me back?"

He nodded.

"But I wouldn't survive much longer, so you…killed me again?"

"Technically, yes."

That brick wall which he'd begun dismantling earlier, it toppled down then. I was surrounded by a pile of rubble. In it lay my experiences and happiness of the past months, and the facade of what the Cullens had been to me, all dirtied and marred by cracked bricks and dust. What was left standing amongst the debris was unfamiliar.

"I need to tell Charlie and Renee I'm okay," I said, looking out the window. I'm not sure if I expected to see something comforting out there. All I saw was the shock of detail in the gray mist that was bordering on a huge pine tree.

As soon as my words were out I knew it wasn't as simple as that. In the sense that my parents needed me to be, I wasn't really okay at all.

"Bella, why don't you take some time, before we get into further detail?" Carlisle said soothingly, but confirming the potential problem with my parents.

"Let's move down to the living room, shall we?" Esme suggested in agreement.

While I wanted to escape this reverie, I wasn't terribly certain about moving. Staying fixed here seemed safer, like walking away from my newly established pile of rubble would leave it too much in the past. Moving, I suppose, seemed like acceptance. I wasn't sure I had found that place yet.

I was vaguely aware of a light warmth which tickled at me then, like a relaxant gas attempting to work its magic on my fluctuating nerves. It felt alien, but more welcome than the blast of cold.

"I understand your reluctance, darlin'," Jasper whispered.

Something about the familiar way he spoke to me eased my concern, it sounded like the Jasper I remembered, a welcome relief from the foreign situation I was facing. I broke tentatively away from the wall, waiting for them to take it as a signal and lead the way, giving me the space I wanted in which to follow. Jasper gave them a nod and they began to file out, he gave me a small smile as I eventually moved after them.

-x-x-x-

We all reassembled down in the living room, where I had spent so much time with Edward and his family. Esme encouraged me to take a seat on the plump white couch. I hated how a situation that had once been so comforting and familiar was now thick with tension and apprehension. Rosalie and Emmett perched together on an armchair, the usual banter and interaction replaced by stilted formality. Alice went to move to the couch beside me, but a delicate touch on her arm from Jasper held her back. She looked so regretful that she couldn't simply do what she normally would have. Still I kept my distance from them, something I had never wanted to do with Edward since I had met him. Right now though, this was new, things were different. What had gone on in the past was somewhere, but I was absorbed in the present.

I tried to place them in this room. If I was supposedly the same as them, I wondered what of their lucid beauty was comparable in me. I couldn't fathom the possibility of being anything _like_ them. I looked down at the skin of my hands and forearm. It looked the same as his. I was fascinated by what the differences and similarities were; what other evidence there was that would confirm what they had told me as the truth. Was I to simply accept this? I was a vam-

"Your eyes won't look like ours for a month or so. Right now they're deep red," Edward's lyrical voice said across from me.

I must have been staring; he was answering my questions without prompt. I looked back to my hands, not ready to engage him.

How did this happen?

"Bella, I'm sorry, but we need to explain a few things that you need to be aware of, for your own safety," Carlisle said.

"The police and your family have you as missing, presumed dead. They don't suspect us of any involvement; though we all know that's a falsehood."

They didn't realise I had a vague recollection of a lot of this information. Terribly vague, but it was attached to the memories of lingering in some sort of in between, before everything turned black.

"If you were to go back to everyone, so much is unexplainable; the fabrication would need to be sound. Obviously the evidence they have will be incompatible with what you present, in terms of lack of injury and the like. I expect there would be a lot of pressure from the investigators on you as well, to give them information, particularly if they still had no suspect in custody. Of course, they'd want to have you checked out, which we could largely cover by me being your doctor, but..." he shrugged.

'But'. I could see that all options were going to have a 'but'.

Some sort of exchange passed between Edward and Carlisle, before Edward continued.

"Unfortunately, there's far more to it. Care needs to be taken with what you do at the moment, for a number of reasons. You can't simply be around people. You're what we term a newborn. Your hunting skills are not refined, but you're extremely powerful. This makes you high risk. I indicated that we do drink blood, but we call ourselves 'vegetarians': we only eat animals. The problem with being a newborn is that your tastes are not yet refined. People are likely to be more appealing to you than animals. Even people…whom you know."

Human Bella would have vomited. Vampire Bella seemed to understand completely.

"That is part of the reason why we can't simply go to the police as though you had been found. Nothing will really match up, not to mention that you look different. But you are also a threat. Everything about our existence will be destroyed if something goes wrong with this," Carlisle said delicately.

"You have to make a horrible decision, Bella," Carlisle said. "It's one nobody should ever have to make, and as much as we can support and guide you, it has to be your choice."

I didn't like where this was going, and I wasn't sure how much more of this unveiling I could take. There were further signs that this was actually happening. If I was human I think my stomach would feel like a lead balloon. Instead, my overactive brain predicted what was coming next.

"Love, you have to decide whether or not you want Charlie and Renee to carry on as though you were dead," Edward surmised. 'Love' fell from his lips on instinct; something passed between us at the sound of it.

I sat there uncomfortably, waiting for them to continue, to give me better news or other options. When they didn't, I spoke.

"Or?"

Edward and Carlisle looked between themselves once more. It was Carlisle who answered me.

"Bella, I really don't know how we can let your family in to this and have them understand. I can't fathom how they would react. It's possible neither you nor them would be better off."

My chin sunk to my chest and my shoulders deflated. It was once a natural human action, one which I almost had to think about doing now.

I was hurt, but I couldn't cry. I was scared, but it felt foreign to the way fear used to feel. Whatever was left of human Bella was utterly confused and aching. I knew these...people. I had loved them, as a second family, best friends, lover, mate. But I didn't know them. Not really at all.

I thought of Renee. Until now, there had never been a secret I couldn't tell her.

I didn't know how to do this. I didn't know how to say goodbye to Charlie and Renee…to Jacob…to being human.

"Bella, why don't you take some time, before we work out any of the further details? You don't have to decide anything right now," Carlisle said diplomatically.

I just stared at my lap.

"We'll give you some space," he said.

Initially no one moved, then he and Esme lead the break away from me towards the dining room. I heard every creak and shuffle as the others followed, but Edward remained. His reluctance to leave was evident on that shocking face of his.

"Edward," Esme encouraged from the doorway.

"I'll leave you, for a bit," he whispered, "but I'll be back in a flash if you want me, at all."

He broke away from his position as if he was cracking away from a plaster foundation, looking back one last time before disappearing into the next room.

-x-x-x-

I observed that I felt no need to shift my weight or readjust. Was this what it felt like for Edward? Clearly the decades of practice had helped the Cullens assimilate themselves back into human habits and behaviours. They were good; I hadn't noticed. Or at least I hadn't thought enough to question it. I now needed to seriously question myself. I could hear them talking through in the dining room. The dining room which they didn't actually need to use for the traditional purpose. It had all been for show. He was always different. I never figured he was quite _this_ different.

There was silence in the next room, but I could feel the presence of each one of them. I heard a murmur, only my new skills meant that murmur was audible once I tuned in.

"_I can't believe how calm and in control she is for a newborn._" Jasper.

"_It's truly remarkable, I've never seen it. Maybe..._" Carlisle's comment drifted off.

"_I bet__, inside, she feels like she's dying all over again._" Edward.

The murmurs hushed from then, the house quiet aside from a few creaks in the wood panelling. The new version of my lungs were twisted, as if in an old fashioned clothes wringer. My old human life needed the new vampire Bella to breathe. I needed space to think about what the hell had just happened. Edward had known me since I was eleven. I had been dating a vampire. Hell, I lost my virginity to a vampire. My best girlfriend was a vampire. A whole fucking family that I loved were all vampires. I had _died_. They restarted my heart. Then proceeded to kill me again with venom. _Venom_. I had never even dreamt vampires existed beyond the pages of trashy novels. I had been totally ignorant to a fantasy world. Turns out that it wasn't such a fantasy after all.

There was a faint burning in my throat, and a twisting treachery attempting to wring my old life out of my hard new form. Vampire or not, all that I had learnt still hurt me. At least, it hurt what used to be me. Away from them, processing this, my mind was doing battle to give value to how betrayed and deceived I felt. Did I deserve to have those feelings at all, when it was possible that I had simply been blind and ignorant? As much as my seemingly steely vampire nerves kept me calm, I was still shocked. Everything was marred by the fact that my new being came with immense and differing sensations that were entirely overwhelming to comprehend.

Was anything real? Everything that I had thought was true and real in my life had been taken from me, and I had now been told I was wrong. Wrong about what I thought I knew, what I thought I loved.

The walls of the house started closing in around me. I felt claustrophobic. I wanted my lungs to hyperventilate, a sweat to start dewing on my forehead, my pupils to dilate, my heart to race.

My heart felt not only dead and quiet, but broken.

Edward Cullen revealed the truth, and I think it may have broken my heart.

Before Alice had a chance to register, I turned in the living room towards the huge front door.

And I ran.

-x-x-x-


	19. Run

**A/N **Thank you for your comments on the last chapter, I love hearing from you and am pleased you seem to understand the emotions playing out. I hope you're not confused or annoyed after this one – drop me a review and I will respond!

Love and gratitude to my prompt and thorough betas and pre-readers. The pretty pens of elusivetwilight and cereuleanblue rock my socks off.

Song: 'The Wolves (Act I & II)' By Bon Iver

-x-x-x-

**Run**

_Someday my pain, someday my pain  
Will mark you  
Harness your blame, harness y__our blame  
And walk through_

_Solace my game, solace my game_  
_It stars you_  
_Swing wide your crane, swing wide your crane_  
_And run me through_

_And the story's all over you_  
_In the morning I'll call you_  
_Can't you find a clue when your eyes are all painted Sinatra blue_

_What might have been lost -_  
_Don't bother me_

-x-x-x-

I had to go.

Impulse sucked me out that door like an inescapable vortex.

My speed and agility astounded me. I took the front steps in one easy leap, without even the slightest of stumbles. My feet met the gravel and drove forward toward the woods.

Not only was my body more coordinated, but my mind was, too. As a human, even running without faltering would have been impressive for me, let alone paying attention to my other senses at the same time. I could hear for miles, minute sounds, the beating of a dragonfly's wings as it hovered over the pond in Esme's garden…and then the voices of the Cullens' on the breeze.

"She's leaving," I heard Alice announce as soon as I hit the driveway from the front steps.

"Edward, boys, go after her! She hasn't fed yet!" Esme cried anxiously.

"No. Let her go," Edward whispered.

That was the last voice I heard.

-x-x-x-

I stalled a little before taking a chance on my abilities, driving my feet into the grass a little harder to help me leap the river that ran through the Cullen property. Across the other side, I was into the woods. Powering ahead, it was seemingly unnecessary to worry about consciously avoiding trees and boulders. My vision pre-empted the path to take, without me needing to keep up with processing decisions about direction. I registered every colour change in my periphery, the surrounding landscape a canvas of browns and greens as I picked up my pace.

I kept waiting to feel winded, but my redundant breath came effortlessly. I waited for the burn to begin in my muscles, but my strength only seemed to increase as I grew accustomed to my stride.

As I stretched out further, an insignificant part of my mind was reminded of my attire; I could only imagine Alice had chosen the ridiculous dress I was wearing. Fortunately, it had a decent split in the side seam, though that became an unnecessary embellishment after a few miles since the entire length became torn and flapping. I slowed a little to reach down, tearing it away from my knees. I probably looked a sight, but it was much more practical.

More practical for running.

Reality dawned. Here I was once again running from something. I had considered that I was reasonably brave but, traditionally, the brave didn't run. What had changed in me recently that I was suddenly running from anything that I couldn't control?

When I heard the pain in Edward's voice when he took my body back to the Cullen's house, I ran.

When I couldn't bear to watch Charlie suffer when the police discovered my truck, I ran.

When I couldn't do anything to help Renee with her desperation to find me, I ran.

Had I ever been this cowardly in life, or was it a trait of my death?

I supposed I had witnessed it in Renee, who had often turned from something if she wasn't sure about it. Even with my current experiences, I still didn't understand her reasoning or her decision. Despite Renee's example, I had tended to stick around even if the going was tough; unless I knew with conviction that something wasn't right for me. I wondered what that said about my relationship with Edward when I had been human. I had never felt that he wasn't right for me or second guessed my decision to be with him. I could never have fathomed a reason to leave him. Maybe that told me that, at its core, the two of us being together _was_ right. Even though what I knew about him now would suggest to most that, under the apparently normal exterior, it was wrong.

Maybe this escape of mine was different. I wasn't running from something, I was more running _for_ something. For me. I needed a moment to put me first; I needed to understand me before I could give anything to anyone else. I had never felt more disjointed from who I was, than when I awoke in Carlisle's office. If this was the way things were to be now, I needed to go into it with a clear head. At least that was the justification for my actions that I had come up with so far, because I had always attempted to be conscious of the options and consequences when I made choices.

This hadn't been a choice.

I hadn't chosen to love a vampire; I had chosen to love Edward. I hadn't chosen to become a vampire myself, to leave my family and everything else behind.

Everything that I thought was true and real, I was wrong about. I had believed in something, been told I was wrong, and had a new truth forced upon me. I had no idea how to deal with that. From my perspective, my world had been turned upside down, and I had been spat out the other side as someone different, living in a different world. I felt extinguished. I didn't know if I still had anything in my...life...that I didn't need to question the legitimacy of. That was somewhat terrifying. I had never been so void, so alone.

That inevitably brought the flickering thoughts of Edward to the forefront of my mind. About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, because of that, there had been a part of him that had thirsted for my blood. And third, I had been unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him. The problem I held now, however, was that I was uncertain of how irrevocable and unconditional that love was. Nothing made sense to me, not even my love.

Was I really blind, ignorant, and stupid? Or was I just a love-struck teenage girl? It seemed so Hollywood, witnessing this sort of thing in relationships. The story of being so in love with someone, or thinking that you're so in love with them, that you fail to see something about them. It may be fairly innocent, but it's more likely that the thing you are glossing over will be something that might hurt you. A time bomb, sitting there disguised, just waiting for the moment to reveal itself.

This was a pretty big thing to miss.

My boyfriend was _dead_.

I felt such a fool. I think most of all, I was _angry_ at myself, even more so than him. I wasn't even sure that I was angry at him at all. Gritting my teeth a little, I ploughed towards the next tree in my line of sight and drove my arms at it, wanting to unleash some tension and curious to see what would happen. I gasped a little as it cracked away at its base, groaning as it tipped away from me and plunged towards the earth. I jumped before the roots came up underneath me and landed on its thick trunk, running along it before leaping for clear ground. I shook my head at the absurdity of it all as I bolted off again.

I began my attempt to establish quite how ignorant I had been. He was always cold, but it never seemed to bother him. I had noticed the feeling of his skin when he held my hand, but Forks was always so miserable; my circulation was decidedly average as well. My own hands were rarely warm. I really tried to bring out memories from hugging or being on the couch or in bed. For the most part, there were always blankets or clothes or jackets.

However, since we had made love the peculiarities were less avoidable. My experience was pretty slim, so I couldn't be certain how those things typically worked. To me, Edward seemed extraordinary, which should have been as unsurprising, as it was at the time. While he was careful and concerned with being gentle, the physicality of it was intense. He was so large and extraordinarily hard, his skin not as warm as I would have expected. I didn't notice when he was inside me, though. I was overwhelmed by the pleasure and normalcy of experiencing something so intimate with someone whom I knew I loved. The reason for his reluctance, his caution, his allure and skill, and the fact that we hadn't done it again since, all of that eluded me. I never considered the reason would be mythical, fantasy.

My recall quieted a little as I hit a patch of rocky coast, then veered on a new course back into the cover of forest. Something changed in me as I got further away from home. I tried to describe it but was coming up blank. At first I thought it was relief, a weight lifted off my shoulders. After another hundred miles, the best I could manage in giving words to it, was that I felt emptier, drained of something. I wasn't certain yet whether this was a good or bad thing. Maybe I was indeed achieving something, managing to relieve the pressure I had felt constricting me as I learnt my fate, and Edward's truths.

In a flash the landscape changed and I hit a main road. My reflexes were sharper than I ever remembered, coming to a complete stop with ease, just before impact with the tarmac where a lorry flew past mere inches from my face. After nothing but running with my overactive mind for company, I finally took stock of where I was. The sign on the side of the road read _Welcome to Alaska _in large block letters.

I had to read it three times before I believed it. I couldn't comprehend that I could have covered enough distance to have made it this far. I thought of the cresting and falling of the sun and moon as I had travelled. It could surely have only been a day or two.

_What the hell was I thinking?_

I wasn't thinking; where was I really going to go? I had nowhere, and no one, to run to. They had warned me that I was volatile, _dangerous_. Here I was with no guidance or supervision in a place I'd never been before.

_Good choice, Bella_.

There was so much room in my head. I realised now that I had stopped, a separate part of my brain was keeping tabs on the burn in my throat, almost like a reflex. The way my old brain had handled breathing and blinking.

Of course, as irony would have it, that was when it hit me. A voracious hunger rumbled through my body, wetting my taste buds. My mouth became moist with saliva - though I wondered if I still had saliva, or if it was more likely the venom that Carlisle had mentioned. The thirst had been manageable until that point.

For the first time, I felt like I really was, what I thought I could deny: a hunter. The idea repulsed me momentarily, but the predatory instinct overwhelmed it. I had passed animals as I ran, but I was so occupied in my mind, that I ignored all but a fleeting recognition of that fact. I could no longer avoid the hunger, instead it controlled me like a ventriloquist. My actions were no longer my own, an unrecognisable force was my master. My senses in overdrive, I caught a stronger hint of something delectable in the air and bolted in that direction.

With a couple of miles behind me, I stopped dead in my tracks, the force leaving a large scuff in the dirt on the ground. I stopped for two reasons: The first was because I saw what it was that I was hunting. I was on the outskirts of a township, and that scent I had caught onto was human. One person in particular had my attention. He was the nearest to me, a man out tending to his property. I could hear his pulse thudding as he worked, envisaging the warm blood from his heart gushing through his veins. The idea alone of getting closer to him repulsed me. The fear I imagined I would see in his eyes, the notion of being nothing but a murderer.

The second reason I stopped concerned me just as much, and it was because I had the distinct feeling I was being watched. Something or someone was, in turn, hunting me.

Hoping to elude whoever had their eye on me and find a more appropriate meal, I leant forward to take off. As I made my first footfall, I realized that my stalker was now too close for comfort. I could taste the threat in the air, and felt it prickling against my skin. On alert, I nimbly shifted out of the way, just as a body dropped down to its feet in front of me. I leapt back further into a defensive crouch, trying to regroup myself against the intruder.

It was a woman, maybe early twenties, with long auburn trusses. She was tall and trim, dressed in torn faded jeans and a sloppy purple woollen sweater that hung off one shoulder. In the air I picked up on the scent of spices, a flash of chilli and then a tail of soft vanilla. I knew Carlisle had said that I couldn't be around people right now. From the burgundy black tint of her eyes, and my lack of desire to attach myself to her neck, I made the assumption that she wasn't human. Just how prolific were the Cullens' kind?

"What's wrong with you?" she asked incredulously. Her eyes studied me, looking for a non verbal answer to her question

She huffed a little, cocking her head.

"You weren't going to feed on that man," she said, a statement, not a question.

We eyed each other up for another minute.

"No," I said, finally, wondering why that fact apparently made me such a freak.

"You're a newborn," she said, matter of fact. "Newborns are strong, but overall they're hopeless and hungry. Or hopeless _because_ they're so hungry. They don't think, they just act. _You_ think," she rambled, attempting to explain.

I recalled the conversation I had heard between the Cullens before I had left, when they were talking about my supposed control.

"_I can't believe how calm and in control she is for a newborn."_

I shrugged at the woman in front of me. I was just doing what came to me, I didn't realise my conscious approach was supposed to be such a challenge for me. I decided my conscious was a new development, though. I certainly hadn't been thinking very clearly when I ran, and kept running to wind up in Alaska.

"Thanks for your concern, but I'm going to carry on now," I said quietly. The sound of my own voice still surprised me. I didn't sense her to be much of a threat any longer, but I was hoping that would be enough for me to break away and leave her behind.

"Sorry, I've been pretty rude. I should have said, hi, I'm Victoria," she said, smiling slightly and moving a little closer to me.

I just wanted to be alone, so getting into specifics with her seemed pointless. She cocked an eyebrow, obviously wondering what the issue with my basic social skills was.

"Bella," I said, giving in. Saying it aloud now felt like my new identity also needed a new name. Maybe the two would fit together again, eventually.

"You haven't fed; I at least need to be sure of that before you insist on being alone," she said. "You may seem to be in control, but I'm not willing to take that risk with a newborn."

My eyes opened wider and the pain of the thirst receded, shock taking its place. Me? Hunt? With her?

"There's a healthy herd of deer about two miles north, I'll show you," she said, keeping her eyes on me as she began to turn away.

A thrill of nerves and anticipation made my stomach quiver. I had no idea why I was about to follow this vampire I had just met, but my hunger was leading the way. No doubt Edward would lose his cool if he knew I was putting myself in an uncertain situation. Things just didn't seem so foreign and scary anymore, after what I went through on the side of the highway when I was still an innocent human. From my unknown experience with vampires, Victoria seemed like a good sort, and I suddenly preferred the option of following her over being a lone vagrant.

I still wasn't entirely clear on what 'feeding' would entail. I moved to catch Victoria, thinking of how the animalistic terminology she used bemused me. It insinuated such a different procedure in getting our fill, though it didn't gross me out at all; a sure sign the vampire was in me alive and strong.

It was a quick dash for us to reach the herd, the distance a mere sniff given the fact that I had just crossed borders without noticing. We stayed covered and not too close, not wanting to alert our meal to their impending doom.

"Right," Victoria said, standing next to me with her hands on her hips. "I've eaten recently, so you can have first pick."

She was surveying the view in front of us, seemingly expecting me to simply take off and tuck in.

"Um, what do I do?" I asked.

She looked at me with a little smirk in the corner of her rosy lips. Despite being cold, pale and generally dead, I could see a change in her demeanour in the presence of a hunt. If it was at all possible, she looked flushed with different shade of pale.

"Instinct, Bella. Stop analysing yourself, and tune back into that instinct you put into action when you were tracking that human."

I did as she instructed, allowing myself to catch a strong wave of the scent that had been wafting around me since the intention to feed here was formed. As it filled my body, instinct took over as Victoria said it would. I moved away from her so stealthily, that it wasn't until I was in the tree a few feet across the way that she noticed my absence. I once again appreciated my broad perspective, and that even while in the throes of a hunt, I had the peripheral ability to note other movements and other threats. It crossed my mind that I could be good at this.

Stalking further out on a thick tree branch, I brought myself level with a solid looking deer below me. It looked juicy and meaty; I gave a little snicker under my breath at my noticing its good potential. That was when I had to make my move, just as it felt the shiver of the wood from my presence, and began the comparatively slow process of raising its head from the ground. Slow, in comparison to the speed at which I threw myself down upon it. I took it around the neck and instantly sunk my teeth into its jugular before I missed my opportunity when it began to fight. I was pleased at my entrance, given that the rest of the herd didn't bolt until I had already landed on their companion.

Getting ahead of myself, I was caught by surprise when the animal tried to fight, and I lost my grip. I scolded myself that I would need to up-skill and increase my hunting repertoire. A corner of my mind was surprised that I had just made vampire plans. I guessed that meant I was staying this way, giving it a shot. I couldn't see another option which I could sell myself on anymore.

Drawing on all my resources, I took hold of the animal again fairly promptly, weaving my fingers in and getting a good hold of its scruff. My jaws locked easily over the precise point where the heat flow concentrated. It was effortless as biting into butter.

The flavor was wrong, but I loved the hot, wet feel of the silken blood as it filtered past my sharp teeth and met my tongue, easing the ragged burn in my throat. It was a liquid meal, momentarily satiating my hunger. Even after I had drained that first animal, I knew I could manage another, or two.

Looking down at the mess of fur and blood splatters, I shoved the carcass off me in disgust.

"See, that wasn't so bad, huh? You're a natural," Victoria said, standing over me with a smirk.

I glanced up at her and felt my mood drop, as I realised what wasn't sitting right about these circumstances.

"Not really," I muttered.

As I thought about Victoria's words, I knew that the tiny pride I held in successfully hunting would likely be doubled if Edward were here to coach me and to share in it. He was so different towards me back at the house, seeming uncertain and forlorn, but I knew he would have been proud if he saw this. I cut off the thought there, not ready to take this acknowledgement about Edward to the next level. Had I always been so stubborn?

"Gosh, you are stubborn," she muttered under her breath, as if she had read my mind.

Ignoring her, I looked at the state of my dress and sufficed with wiping my face off on a piece of torn silk. I hoped I would become tidier with my food; the whole blood thing wasn't so attractive. Overall, I looked a wreck, which was somewhat embarrassing now that I had company. I wondered if maybe Victoria had a change of clothes somewhere. I could kill for jeans and a top. Unfortunate choice of words given that killing was now a possibility.

"Why am I still thirsty?"

"Because you're young," she replied.

She gave a little sigh, and I'm sure I saw something akin to sympathy pass across her face.

"Come. We'll catch another herd on our way."

I didn't know what destination she had in mind, but I followed once again. We caught up with the same group of deer once again, and as I sat finishing my animal I noticed how Victoria made such light work of her meal. As much as some skills came naturally to me, I was sure there were still many things I could learn. For that, I would need a good teacher.

"Come on, chick. Let's get you away from the town," Victoria said, interrupting my musings.

Part of me wanted to break away from her again now. Though I was grateful for her help, I wasn't interested in becoming attached or reliant on someone else at that stage. Subconsciously, I knew I wanted help, but knew she wouldn't be the aid I sought. There was obviously something that drew me to Victoria though, because when she moved off, I stuck with her.

After a short distance, we broke through the trees to an area which looked slightly more kept, and hidden amongst it was a substantial log cabin. Cabin suggested small, this was more of a house. It was not as striking as the Cullen home, but it agreed with the Alaskan landscape, merging with its wooded surroundings.

As we drew closer we slowed to a walk. I stiffened as three women came out onto the porch to meet us. I hung back from Victoria, uncertain.

"They're no threat to you, Bella," Victoria said back to me quietly.

"There are more of you?" I whispered, a little stunned to come across more vampires in such close proximity.

"There are a lot of us, yes. Though running into one regularly isn't all that common, unless you're looking in the right places. I'll explain more later," she said, giving her attention to our new audience.

"Ladies," she greeted, nodding towards them. "Bella, these are the Denali sisters. They're the Cullens' cousins."

Her words caught me by surprise, making me suddenly uncomfortable.

"You know who I am?" I said to her irritably.

Victoria ignored me, instead an attractive strawberry blonde spoke, smiling at me.

"Not true relatives of course, but in this world it's as good as the same. I'm Tanya," she said, holding a hand out in greeting.

They clearly weren't going to acknowledge my issue with their assumption that I knew who the Cullens were. I looked at Tanya's extended hand, noting her similar smooth, pale skin.

Tentatively accepting her hand, I gave it a half shake as she in turn gave mine something of a reassuring squeeze.

I could feel a new confident nature bubbling under my surface. However, I still wasn't quite sure of myself after the emotions I had experienced in the recent hours.

"And this is Irina and Kate," Tanya motioned, nodding towards her companions. They both smiled and nodded at me, welcoming me, while I stood there doing little but taking them in. No doubt they would think I was terribly rude, though I hoped they would understand my state of slight astonishment.

A recollection of Edward telling me of a holiday visit with family in Alaska passed through my mind. This was them, the 'cousins' he had spoken of.

"Bella, don't take this the wrong way, but can I offer you a change of clothes before we do anything else? You don't look particularly comfortable in that," Tanya said, angling her body to beckon me towards the house.

I had so many questions that needed answering, but I felt self-conscious at the bare skin peeking through what was left of my dress. Her offer was one that I was keen to take up without a second thought.

Tanya disappeared momentarily, returning with some folded clothes and directing me to a small, bare bedroom. The jeans and white button down were a surprisingly good fit, a simple comfort that I appreciated. I found my way back through the foyer to the kitchen, noting that it seemed sparse and less staged than the Cullens'. After discarding the remaining shreds of the dress in a trash can, I found Victoria and Tanya out on the porch that ran around the exterior of the house. It was a couple of feet off the ground with no railing, giving a real country feel to the place. I could tell in the air that it was chilly out, but it didn't bother me at all. I loved that I could sense the elements, only now I was more immune to their influences.

"I think it's time you two shared with me some of the information I'm so clearly missing here," I said, the most confident I had been yet.

"Glad to see you've found your tongue," Victoria quipped, nudging me as I sat down on the edge next to them. "You'll end up terribly dark and twisty if you keep bottling yourself up."

"Since when were you the therapist, Vic?" Tanya said, flicking Victoria's leg, "I think what Bella would prefer at the moment is some back story."

"Right," Victoria said, angling towards me.

"So, I knew Alice and Jasper before they found the Cullens," Victoria began. "We travelled together, though we parted ways just before they settled into the more stable, vegetarian lifestyle with Carlisle. Basically, as I alluded to before, with vampires, there are clusters and nomads throughout the world. Some of us settle down, some roam through countries, forming and dissolving alliances as they go.

"I met the Denalis here about 15 years ago, and now I stay largely within these areas, visiting every so often, but still moving off with nomads sporadically. I guess you can say I try to have the best of both worlds, which makes me a little unusual. I'm limited, though, because the majority of nomads are traditional vampires who don't subscribe to the vegetarian culture. Of all of us, I am the one who has fed most recently the 'normal' way," she said, punctuating normal with her fingers in the air. She noticed the repugnance in my face and was quick to continue.

"Though of course, I have only killed those who are vermin to the human kind. The unsatisfying part of that is that the bad have the blood to match; it is nowhere near as sweetly satisfying of those more regular citizens."

She watched my features twitch again and decided to change tack.

"I try to visit the Cullens regularly. Alice and I are still good friends, though our bonds loosened over the years. I learnt of you through her. I have to admit I was slightly jealous of your friendship, though highly sceptical of the situation, given that you were human. The Denalis told me later of your relationship with Edward."

My insides flinched at the sound of his name being spoken by someone with such familiarity.

"Did you know who I was when you found me?" I questioned.

She looked slightly guilty, then nodded hesitantly.

"I only garnered confirmation when you told me your name."

I could sense the partial truth to her words, but knew she was skimping on details.

_Alice_. Of course; all seeing, all knowing Alice. She had likely arranged for this subtle interception, or intervention, whichever it may be.

I sighed, still not accustomed to the fact that the oxygen was doing nothing for me. I was making an assumption, but I guess I was grateful to my…to Alice, if she had been involved. I really had no idea what I was doing, and knew my hunting had benefited from Victoria's pointers.

"I know none of the specifics about you or your relationships with the Cullens; it is something that they kept as quiet as possible, and it's an understatement to say that what you had with them would not be looked upon fondly by other vampires. Being a human, you had only your lack of knowledge regarding what they really were as protection."

What she'd said last was odd; I didn't understand what threat to me could exist, besides the general dangers of fraternizing with vampires. Before I could question the details, Tanya spoke up and continued to tell me about their families.

"The Cullens are the largest group of their kind, which makes them relatively powerful. Victoria boosts the numbers here when she stays, though you can probably feel that the bond is incomparable to that of the Cullens. What they have is incredibly unique. They're a true family in most every sense of the word."

"Edward mentioned you had parents," I questioned, trying to recall the names. "Carmen and Eleazar, what about them?"

"Yes, that's partly true. Carmen and Eleazar travel frequently, which is why they are not here now. Esme and Carmen have formed a strong friendship over the years, which is part of why we term ourselves 'cousins'. The difference in the Denali coven is that none of us are connected by sire. Where Carlisle sired most of his family, we come together only out of similarity and convenience."

My mind was working over time as I began to realise some of the workings of the vampire world. I think the girls sensed that I was a little overwhelmed by what they had divulged.

"I think we should resume this later," Tanya asserted, looking out into the dense area of forest. "Irina and Kate are hunting, I'm going to catch up with them, and see you two back here in a while."

She looked at me directly as she jumped down off the porch.

"You'll stay, Bella? You're most welcome here for as long as you like."

Would I stay? I really had no idea, my future didn't seem as certain, now.

"For now," I said, my uncertainty lacing my lucid voice.

"If you want your own space, take the room third door on the left upstairs."

I watched as she moved off, and Victoria stood up next to me.

"I'll be inside if you want me," she said, mussing my hair a little as she walked off.

"Victoria," I called, halting her. She turned and looked back to me.

"Do you…like…what you are?" I asked.

She gave a slight smile, it peaked at the corners of her mouth.

"I don't think you should worry too much about what you've become, Bella. There's ways to keep your dignity, if that concerns you. You already have care and tact under your belt. Hell, that's almost more than I can say, and I've been at this game for years."

I recalled what Edward said about him not having aged and wondered exactly how long that might have been.

"Years?" I asked, hoping that would be enough to get some information out of her.

"Ha," she laughed, "Yeah, I say it casually like it's a few, but it's been 115."

Years. 'Years' was over a century. How long was it for Edward? I realised there was so much information I didn't have; I had run from Edward before he could even uncover the surface of who he was.

I watched her stealthy form disappear into the dimness of the house. These people, vampires, were so casual, so familiar, despite barely knowing me. Was this going to give me the clear head I was after, being surrounded by people so tied in with what I had thought I was escaping? It didn't take me long to decide that I didn't mind; it was comforting progress to realise that the distance between Edward and I was already ample. I didn't care to cut free every tie that I had. I would cope with being around his so called family. I would realise later on, that this was one of many decisions that were already pointing out to me the remainder of my feelings for Edward himself.

The knowledge of Edward's lengthy existence was weighing me down. I craved the feeling of freeing my body once again, so I shoved myself off the wooden porch. I noted again how the cool air felt different on my already cool skin. As I broke into a jog, I could feel the fluctuating currents as they met my body. Wafting waves of varying pressure tickled my sensitive skin, the temperature change not bothering me as it dropped with the increasing wind chill. I found myself down on the rocks bordering the extensive river nearby to the Denali property.

I used the time by myself again to actually make some progress on unscrambling what the hell I was doing.

I thought back from the afternoon I was killed. I would be lying if I didn't recognise that there were probably a few things that I had started to wonder about Edward, though I had always pushed it aside. I was a perceptive person usually. I had been so blinded by everything that was Edward Cullen and his remarkable family, that I had been ignoring what was right in front of me. My brain had been giving me all the signs, but my heart was so busy loving these people that the two never connected the dots.

There was something inherently different about the Cullens. Not the '_they're just abnormally nice and beautiful_' kind of different; _really_ different. Not human even. Now of course, I knew that to be more than accurate. In the last weeks before I died, my dreams had been causing me to stir in the night, making my sleep confused and restless. When I was awake my recollection of them was vague, though in the pit of my stomach they left me unsettled. I had planned on mentioning the dreams to Edward when we met up the night I died. Now I realised that subconsciously, as we got further into our relationship, my sub-conscious and heart had finally started connecting the dots. They were just waiting for me to catch up.

I couldn't believe I never really questioned what I was seeing. I was so unbelievably blinded by my surreal infatuation, that anything remotely suspicious had been whitewashed. Some of the signs were so simple, though I guess I could understand how I wouldn't have connected them with the existence of vampires.

It was a challenge to bring up my human memories. The general events were there, but the finer details took more work. I assumed that more would come to me with time. I hoped that it wouldn't be the opposite, that I would lose the memories forever.

Earlier, I had processed the fact that he was consistently cold, to the point that proper reasoning would find it unnatural. To add to that, he also hardly ate. He would feed me and eat a tiny bit himself, or make an excuse. Often in the evenings, he would come over 'after dinner', or excuse himself home from my house when Charlie and I sat down to eat.

Little did I know, aside from these peculiarities, there were also potentially hundreds of years of history, secrets and personas that he had been hiding from me.

All I could understand about that insincerity, at this point, was that it hurt.

The smooth river stone in my hand crumbled through my fingers. I picked up another and attempted to skim it across the surface of the water, but it split in two as it made impact. Dampening my effort this time, I tried again, watching it bounce across the icy blue until it reached the opposite side.

I gazed at the composition of the hard rock beneath me and the flowing water, moving my eyes to where it picked up momentum and fell over a drop in the river bed. The rocks that sat in the shallows were worn from the force of the water. While the water appeared docile and malleable, it too could be a powerful destructive force. I saw clearly where the currents naturally travelled through the path of least resistance, merging to move through built up areas of pebbles, boulders or branches, carrying on out the other side.

Moving away from the river bed, I took a seat on a natural stone ledge and felt the enormity of being alone overcome me. A part of me couldn't help but miss the times I had spent with Edward outdoors in Washington, the constant veil of mist and snow. I shut down the memory that wanted to infiltrate my conscious the most.

In its place, the question that had been tickling at my mind forced itself into recognition again.

_What the hell was I thinking?_

Did I expect some breakthrough to come from my solitude, giving me the explanations for my emotions that I desired?

Was there some greater understanding that I thought would reveal itself, telling me some truth that I didn't already know about what had happened to me?

I was grasping at straws, still merely focusing on what had been kept from me, forced upon me, and taken from me.

I had mulled so much over a lack of choice, but what if choice wasn't even an option.

I hadn't chosen to love a vampire, but did I love one anyway, no matter what he was? I hadn't chosen to become one, but, if I did indeed love one, was this simply the natural course for me, as opposed to a decision I needed to make?

Running was one thing. The fact that I had run from Edward, though, _that _was something I never thought I could do.

I looked down at the ashen skin of my hand, where my palm was pressed down beside me. My body was so firm now, the musculature and skin taut, that the connection I made was stone on stone. It was what circled my forefinger that really captured my attention: Edward's mood ring, still firmly in place despite the violence my hands had seen. The silver was still shiny, what struck me was the permeation of a dark red color in the rounded centrepiece, its hold over the gemstone appearing milky and confused.

I leant into the cold wall behind me and wished, once again, that I could cry.

-x-x-x-


	20. Awake My Soul

**A/N I'm so sorry I disappeared! **I should have put this on official hiatus, but that made real life far too real! I've had my four or five biggest events of the year at work, and haven't seen my house let alone my laptop. I missed you guys so much! Hopefully we can pick up where we left off, and you won't ignore me and withhold reviews just to spite me? It feels good to be back.

It's been so long, in case you don't want to look back: Bella is off in Alaska trying to get her head together after the shock of what the Cullens revealed and that she is now a vampire.

Thank you to my betas elusivetwilight and cereuleanblue, who were a big help as always on this wordy chapter. Check out their fanfic pages for some great stuff by these talented ladies.

Song: 'Masochist' By Ingrid Michaelson

-x-x-x-

**Awake My Soul**

_She says you're a masochist for falling for me,  
So roll up your sleeves.  
And I think that I like her, 'cause she tells me things I don't want to hear,  
Medicinal tongue in my ear._

_When will it stop? When will it stop?_

_When will I feel all soft on the inside?_  
_When will I feel all soft on the inside?_  
_When will I feel soft, soft?_

_You say that my skin feels like no one else's,_  
_That it's different somehow._  
_But I don't understand, isn't a hand just a hand?_  
_No you don't understand._

-x-x-x-

Victoria was stalking towards the house from the opposite fence line when I made it back. I wondered if any of them had been watching me from a distance, or if they were truly already comfortable enough with my control to leave me be. I certainly wasn't entirely comfortable with _them_ yet, let alone being comfortable with my own capabilities.

The casualness of these vampires perplexed me. I still wasn't entirely certain that their nonchalance with a complicated newborn being around wasn't some kind of ruse. I kept waiting for them to show unease about my presence. Some sort of reaction that was more than vague or a superficial precaution. I needed more knowledge, as the unknown was increasingly unnerving.

"Hey, where've you been hiding?" Victoria called as we neared each other at the front of the property. She didn't have to speak up in order for me to hear her without straining. Even the movement of her lips told me much more than they ever could have through human eyes.

"Not hiding, I just ended up sitting around by the river," I answered, simplifying things completely. She was waiting for more. "Then I tried to catch another meal on my way back," I continued.

"How did that go?" Victoria asked, seeming genuinely interested.

I held up my arm, revealing the blood stained cuff and tear in the fabric down the side of my torso. I hoped Tanya wasn't especially fond of this shirt.

"That's not so bad," she said, "You'll have the knack of tidiness mastered before you know it."

Lord knows I had plenty of time for mastering things. I wished the idea was more than just daunting.

I stopped a few yards from her, pausing while I wondered what on earth I was supposed to do with myself next. Victoria moved away from me into the house, coming back out onto the porch with something in her hand.

"Here," she said, a flash of white darting through the air towards my face. I caught it, of course, a new facet of my nature which I was quite enjoying, given that coordination had certainly never been one of my strong points.

"What is it?" I questioned her, turning the white package in my hands. I noted that I needed to work on my tactile judgement, given the finger indents from my catch on one edge.

She shrugged, using her upturned palms to accentuate the gesture, before walking away. My few interactions with Victoria had left me with the impression that she knew far more than she shared. I added it to the list of intricacies of my vampire acquaintances that I needed to decipher.

I began to pull at the wrapping while I wandered through the house towards the room Tanya had said I could use. It seemed to be glossy white wrapping paper covering a black box underneath. There was no address or card on the outside, or any other indication of what may be inside.

Shoving the door closed with my shoulder, I moved to sit cross legged on the bed that sat unnecessarily in the center of the room. Unnecessary, because I knew it would never be used for the purpose it was made for.

…_we don't sleep…_

Once I was down to the box, I slipped a finger under the lip and cracked it open, taking care not to use too much force. Under the layers of packing was a shiny iPhone and all the accompanying accessories.

Then I noticed the post-it note stuck to the underside.

_Turn on._

When I read that glowing yellow note, the first thing that came to my mind, was Alice. I didn't know anyone else who would think to do this and include post-it instructions. I presumed she thought that if she was as mysterious as possible, she'd have more success at making me curious and obliging her. I felt a slight pang of sadness if this was the measure they had taken to make contact with me.

It was hard to think back and realize that my last cell phone was probably blood stained and broken on the floor of my truck. It felt odd recalling that I had been through that ordeal such a short time ago. It almost seemed a world away now. It didn't seem plausible that that life had ever even existed. I was reassured of its truth when, despite my new incarnation, the memory of my phone falling from my outstretched arm still had the strength to chill me.

The cell Renee had bought me all those years back was archaic, and Alice had often pressured me to upgrade. I suspected she may have now gotten her way. I opened the small instruction booklet and read how to work the basic features; the screen lit up and gradually registered a signal. I pressed the little button with 'contacts' on it, expecting it to be blank. Trusting an expectation should be something I had given up on a few days ago; the names and numbers of the entire Cullen family were pre-programmed. I wouldn't be surprised if Alice could track this thing to find out my location. Given its mysterious arrival, I was fairly convinced she wouldn't need to.

I tapped on the 'mail' icon and saw that my email program had also already been loaded. It definitely felt like Alice had a part in this; this seemed too forward to be Edward's doing.

There was one new email, an automated one telling me a library book was overdue. It was supposed to be returned the day after I was killed. The first time I was killed, I mean.

After the connection had worked to update the information, one more message alert popped into the inbox.

Angela - No subject

Hesitantly, I tapped the message on the screen to open it.

_From: angweber vmail. com_

_B,_

_I couldn't fight the urge to do this, even though I know you're probably not there anymore, but...I love you. I'm so sorry._

_I can't stop thinking of you._

_Ang x_

Reality slapped me square in the face. I squeezed down on the center button to get rid of the screen, surprised I didn't crush it in my haste.

Before Edward's interception, I had watched my parents and the police from my state of limbo. Since then the news would have spread through the small town and to my old school friends. As hard as this transition was going to be for me, it was worse for those I had left in the dark to come to terms with. For most, it would likely have less to do with me and more to do with the way in which it had happened. Something so violent and random occurring in a place we had always felt was safe, tied to the reality of it being someone they knew. Angela's email was a vivid reminder that my adjustment to the existence of vampires was not the only adjustment taking place.

I wondered if Charlie had accepted my fate yet. Was he facing the same confusion as Angela, or was it still too early for him to think past searching? I didn't like the thought of all those little things that I had left behind that would have to be dealt with once he resigned himself to me being gone. What should be done with library fines, the sheets on my bed, my accounts, my college enrolment, the washing I had left in the machine, my sneakers in the hallway. Making a decision now meant finality.

I decided the focus was probably still on the circumstances of my disappearance. At least I hoped it was, not wanting to think of my parents letting go of the last shreds of hope. I suppose it was similar to my own need to hang on to hope and possibility that I could see them again. The day would come, though, when everything that I had left unfinished would have to be finished, closed, moved or changed. I had to think as though that day was a given as soon as darkness had set in on the night of my attack. That was the point at which my life had ended, rather than when I had become a vampire. The difference between the two outcomes was that now I was conscious to witness the aftermath of my murder. I knew from what the Cullens had told me, that my options ended that day on the highway; there was little I could do to spare my parents now.

The screen of the phone dulled, then went black. I just sat there, my eyes fixed on it resting in my palm, while hours passed me by.

-x-x-x-

Night and day had no boundaries, but for the subtle change of light. Time would send me over the edge. I needed contact. I couldn't do this alone anymore.

-x-x-x-

It took only two movements to activate the screen again. I pushed the message icon before I lost the feeling of need that was tingling through my frozen fingers. Then I spent another hour staring at the empty screen. It stared back, taunting me with the expectation that I would be able to compose something of worth. Words failed me.

-x-x-x-

I started a cycle of tapping at the touch screen keyboard, then removing any progress I had made with the backspace key. The pressure in a single message was immense.

My gut feeling was that Edward would be pretty hurt if I couldn't find the courage to message him first. I cared, that much was still there. I didn't want to hurt him by saying the wrong thing, simply because I knew there was a chance he would look for implication in what I said.

Unless things between us were already so wounded that words were merely that – words.

They were too impersonal. They were too simple. There was so much more to say, so much more to ask. I wanted to ask if hewas okay. I _cared_ if he was okay. I knew that if he wasn't, that it was likely because of me. Yet again, he was the reason why _I _wasn't okay. Part of the reason. A small part.

It_ hurt_.

-x-x-x-

It had been an hour and thirty seven minutes when the phone lit up and trilled with an alert.

_Are you okay?_

The sender at the top said 'Alice'. Given she had this number, I thought I now had the answer to my suspicions.

_Thank you for the phone._

The stupid simplicity of my words mocked me as they left my control.

_You didn't answer my question -A_

-x-

_I don't think I know how to._

-x-

_Let me know when you do, I'll still be here -A_

-x-x-x-

I could do this.

_Edward?_

I hit send. I knew that his phone was used by few others than his family and me. Nothing came back to me for a good fifteen minutes. It amazed me the rollercoaster of doubt and belief I went through in that short space of time.

_Bella?_

I stalled, but was saved from thinking of a reply because he sent me another message.

_Are you okay?-E_

The same question Alice had asked of me. It seemed so simple, yet I was struggling to answer it convincingly.

_I guess so? I don't know…-B_

I felt pointedly self-centred, all the questions and focus on me. Now that we had made contact, my urge to know how he was only increased. I fired off another message before the opportunity was missed.

_Are you? -B_

-x-

_Better now -E_

I looked at his words, wondering how much to take from that. I thought I knew what he meant; that, maybe, this was better.

_I think I might be, soon. -B_

Things went quiet again after that. I'm not sure what I expected. It all seemed so subtly cordial. No dramatics, no embellishments. Technically I still was one, but it felt like being a teenager. Awkward. New. Was this what we had been reduced to, what I had reduced us to, when I left?

After finally making contact with Alice and Edward, I wasn't so self-consumed anymore. I became aware of the light cracking through the window, filtering through the trees outside. It was a gloomy day, like every day back in Forks. I had wanted isolation, but the sound of the girls moving through the house drew my attention. I knew my limbs could cope with my confinement, my mind on the other hand would soon hold me hostage in a cycle of wallowing. Now I understood why Edward had seemed so brooding when I met him. Removing sleep left a lot of time to think.

Recognition of the burn in my throat returned; I left the phone on a dresser and went to find some company to hunt.

-x-x-x-

A large part of the day had disappeared before I picked up the phone again. It wasn't like I hadn't been thinking about it, wondering. To an extent I was testing myself a little. It wasn't going well for disproving the obvious.

I felt my chest hitch when I saw that there was a message waiting for me.

_Esme is worried about you feeding. -E_

-x-

_I keep getting blood all over my shirt. _

-x-

_Not to mention the rips & snags. -B_

-x-

_Watch your angle of approach, give _

_a good squeeze to numb it & keep _

_your body behind the bite zone -E _

Every message was weighted with the obvious fact that we were skirting around our emotions, but I felt hope in the fact that at least it was progress of sorts. I guessed this was hard for him, too. Avoiding what he probably really wanted to say.

_You make it sound so simple -B_

-x-

_It's easier to demonstrate -E_

-x-

_Mm I had some help, though I _

_could use a good coach on tactics. -B_

-x-

_Help? -E_

-x-

_Victoria? Have met your cousins _

_as well. -B_

He didn't respond.

Tanya and Kate were watching a movie, so I put the cell into my pocket and slipped into the lounge, taking a spot on the sofa. I couldn't get comfortable. Tanya and Kate, while hospitable, were unfamiliar, and sitting there pretending to watch television was too false, too 'normal'. The world I knew was not as simple as this anymore. Sitting around doing something so regular and casual only served to remind me of sitting around at my home in Forks with Charlie, watching the flat screen. Those opportunities wouldn't come along again, and it didn't feel right doing it now.

I went outside and walked down the slope of the vast front lawn. Reaching the fence, I hitched myself around and up to sit on the top rung. Darkness had well and truly set in. To the human eye the moon would have appeared full, though amongst the clouds sifting around its glow, I could see its missing edge.

I had always looked to Jasper for a sense of calm, and always got the impression that he had a particular awareness of me. I wondered what advice he would have for me now, and I didn't feel the need to start out slowly in my approach like I had with Alice and Edward when I tapped out a message to him.

_If this will be ok, and this will be normal, _

_why do I feel so empty Jas? -B_

-x-

_Email darlin. -J_

I switched from messages to mail and waited for him to send something. It wasn't long before the alert popped up.

_From: jaspercullen vmail. com _

_Bella, the reason this hurts so much is because you're denying something that existed intensely when you were human and exists ten-fold now that you're a vampire. It's absolutely pointless for you to fight against. Vampires – those of our kind especially – we mate for life. _

_The emptiness won't go away until you fill it with what is missing. I think you know what that is, even if you are masking it as immediate hurt and confusion._

_Instinct tells me that once you find that out for yourself, you'll start to see that things can be okay darlin. Better than okay. Things could be great._

_J x_

-x-

_From: bellaswan vmail. com_

_It doesn't seem like enough Jas, there's so many pieces missing._

-x-

_From: jaspercullen vmail. com_

_Give yourself over to it. You'll see. The rest will come from there._

-x-

The cloud was clearing to reveal a beautiful night sky, laden in its weighty darkness with gleams of light dancing above. That was always a nice part of living away from the big cities; the absence of inorganic light and concrete clutter made the detail above far more vivid. I would have time to appreciate these little details all the more now.

Thinking of Jasper's words, I pushed myself off the fence and crouched down into the grass, lying on my back. It was damp with a light dew that was forming in the night air, and I could see the little beads of moisture as they gathered on the blades next to me. I loved how, even though he was nowhere near me, Jasper still had the ability to calm me. It was different than how Edward's presence used to settle me, but this was always just as welcome.

I had always considered Jasper an old soul, wise beyond his years, though perhaps the truth now was that he was as wise as his years. I wondered if he was older or younger than Edward. I didn't know where any of the Cullens ranked in age and experience, or how each of them had come to be this way.

I wondered how long it had taken each of them to adapt to the ways of being a vampire, to the point that it was now effortless and imperceptible to an unknowing, unseeing eye. It was bizarre to think that I too could soon be akin to them. The progress I could feel made the whole transition seem real; my last hunt with the girls had gone better than before, and I actually kept myself reasonably clean. The crazy thing was that this was starting to feel like it might become natural, like I was _good_ at being a vampire, if that was possible.

I felt I might be better at being inhuman than I was at being human. Besides the physical abilities, I couldn't help but wonder if there was a reason on a more emotional level as well. The centre of my life as a human had been when I found my love for Edward. But unbeknown to me, that centre was incomplete and destined to be hopelessly stifled because we were so impossibly different. I was on a path to death, and he was on an unwavering path of eternity. Now, with me on the same path, who I was, and to an extent also who I had been, they were both now more complete. The missing element was essentially fulfilled.

All that seemed to be left was for me to grasp hold of this supposed completion and learn to live again. I hated that it kept coming back to choice; it was such a heavy word, and my lack of it was haunting me. On the one side there was my dead love, on the other my living family. I couldn't reunite with my human life; that choice was void. It was that part of what Edward and the Cullens had done that I was finding the most difficult to reconcile. If I took Jasper's advice, I needed to stop denying and give myself over; it seemed that was the only choice I had left.

What I couldn't understand was what Edward was going to do about the twisted web he had spun, if he intended to do anything at all. If the necessity to change me hadn't been instigated by my murder, would he have revealed the truth to me? As I had mused before, surely I wasn't so blind that I never would have found my tipping point in noticing quite how peculiar things were. Months, that was justifiable. Going on a year, that was getting dense. There would have been something that was too peculiar, that would made me ask questions. If nothing else, it was inescapable that I would have changed, while he remained a frozen, youthful seventeen. He would have had to address it at some point. If I had confronted him, what would have been the outcome?

The false pretences of our former vampire/human courtship troubled me. Would he take it upon himself to keep things from me in the future? A relationship was nothing without trust, and if Jasper was right, this wasn't simply a relationship; this was intended to last for eternity.

I lifted my hip and slipped the phone out of my pocket. I decided I still had one significant opportunity to make an informed choice, which meant facing up to the hard questions. I typed out my question and promptly sent it off to Edward.

_Would you have told me or left me?_

My confidence had grown along with my need for resolution. I was thankful it did not take long for Edward to respond with his first answer.

_Left you, I suppose._

I thought about that, about leaving someone, and the place I was in now. It wasn't as simple as he made it sound, and I knew that deep down he understood that too. Given the way I felt now, what Jasper had told me, and given what he had done to keep me around, I felt pretty confident that I could call his bluff.

_That's a lie. -B _

-x-

_I would have had to at least try. -E_

Reasoning was indefinable. I couldn't make rational sense out of anything. It was difficult to make sense of what had happened, given that our hands were forced, but making sense of the things we felt now was no less challenging. Though perhaps that was where I was vague, in thinking that rationality and reasoning held any power. Love is irrational, I reminded myself. The more you loved someone, the less sense anything made.

If this irrationality could be analyzed at all, I could pick out at least two sides to it. There was the side that made you love like crazy, with such a force that caution was thrown to the wind. The other side was the protective, nonsensical force that drove you to take care of what you loved, no matter the cost. I was sure that some of the biggest mistakes we made in love stemmed from making decisions out of thinking it best for the other person. Those decisions weren't meant to be made alone. That was something both Edward and I may both be guilty of. I wasn't thinking about him changing me; that was something else entirely. Aside from that, Edward had the notion to do what he thought was 'best for me' by leaving me when I was human, should the need have arisen, without considering the deeper costs to both of us. We were both stubborn and full of irrational love. There would have been no resolution or sense until one of us surrendered to it.

The soft alert of the phone drew my attention, as another message from Edward came through.

_What if I had told you? Would you_

_have stayed & grown old, asked me_

_to change you, or left?_

His words hung on the screen, waiting for me to solidify their existence with an answer.

Did I have an answer for his question?

He was right; there were three options that could come from him telling me. They were as significant to him as my question of him leaving was to me. It wasn't something I had considered from that angle, and I couldn't respond to him. I knew that I needed to be able to, though. We both needed an answer.

I shifted in the grass, feeling a lingering void from the end of our spell of messaging. I was so aware of the space around me, the extent of the blackness that stretched into the night sky, the lack of life in the nearest borders of trees, the absence of sound from Victoria and the Denalis over at the house. It made me think of Edward telling me of how he had travelled and moved around after he had first found me in Forks when I was a child. At the time I couldn't fully appreciate the sense of longing he told me of, and the hollow lack of something which burdened him daily. As he had once uncovered the emptiness of what was missing from him, now it was my turn. The absence of him was everywhere.

My world had been turned upside down; all that I thought I knew was replaced by an alternate reality. Though, as my human world had not truly existed without Edward, neither did my vampire one. Solitude was not going to give me any other remedy but one: I was nothing without him. I had no purpose as a vampire if Edward, and the Cullens, were not by my side.

I had already recognised the pattern of turning away from things that I formed when I had died and was lingering. If it hurt and I couldn't fix it, I left.

This past week had hurt, but I could fix it. Running again wasn't going to make this better.

It all came back to one thing.

Edward.

My life and his were twisted into a single strand. Cut one, you cut both. If he were gone, I would not be able to live through that. If I were gone, he wouldn't live through it, either, and a world without Edward seemed completely pointless. Edward _had _to exist.

I now understood his reasoning. He couldn't let me die. This was the only way he knew to save me. Despite the potential repercussions for his family, he had chosen to keep me. My bond to him was what drove his actions after he found me on the highway. Had the situation have been reversed, the choice to live without him would not have been one I could make, not if there was another option that I personally understood and was within my power. Keeping me, even in this way, almost made sense.

We had been propelled by our connection or co-dependence to one another daily, and that told me that if we faced this together, things would be alright. With the knowledge and help of the Cullens, surely there would be some way to help heal things for Charlie and Renee, and to dissolve my attachment to my human life. I wanted those possibilities. I needed an ounce of resolution to ease the guilt I felt for unwillingly hurting my parents.

I knew now that if I went back to Forks, I was going back to Edward not on a whim, not in a moment of passion, but out of a decision to accept him for who he was. I wanted to forgive him, and to continue to love him as I knew I had always done. I had the hindsight of being without him, from leaving everything behind to take stock of myself and choose without the influence of his presence. It was flighty and probably somewhat cowardly to have run at the time, so I was grateful that some good had come from my shock and fear.

My dead heart still knew the truth, and my alert new mind agreed. I loved him. I loved all of them, and no matter how hard this was going to be on me, they had made a devastating decision to save me in a way only they could. They loved me that much, that they wouldn't let me go. I could only hope they would forgive me for turning away from them.

I needed to go back. I _wanted _to go back.

I wanted Edward.

-x-x-x-

As I walked back into the house, the recognition of a change in my demeanour seemed to register in Victoria's expression.

"You look more comfortable in your skin, Bella. Something happen?" A sculpted eyebrow raised in question.

"It kind of feels like the human residue and the vampire are working out how they all fit together," I said, sitting down next to her.

"And?" she queried.

"I'm going back," I responded decisively.

"That didn't take long," Tanya said, walking in to the room.

I shrugged. "What I'm looking for can't be found in Alaska, but thank you, all of you, for putting up with me."

"It's been no trouble, Bella. It wouldn't have been long before I sent you packing myself, anyway," she smiled. "Glad you're working things out for yourself."

"When will you leave?" Victoria asked me.

"No sense putting it off really. I'm thirsty again, so I guess I'll head into the woods and carry on from there."

She nodded. "I'll run with you for a while, I've got friends I might meet up with, so I should still be able to catch them down-country if we're leaving by dawn."

-x-x-x-

The sun was slowly brightening across Alaska by the time Tanya, Kate and Irina came out to farewell us. They were unfazed and casual in the knowledge that we'd all see each other again soon.

Victoria left me to continue alone shortly before I would reach Port Angeles. My senses heightened as I moved down the Olympic Peninsula. How close I was to home reverberated in my bones, and the ache of my human ties were hard to neglect. Almost unconsciously, I diverted my path from the main route into Forks. Time blurred until I found myself standing below my window at Charlie's house.

The neighbours were all at work, the nearest scent of blood too diluted to aggravate me. Charlie wasn't at home; I could feel the lack of him with deep clarity and was grateful for it. There was no way I could fathom being any nearer to him. I scaled the side of the house easily and jimmied the window up. I straddled the ledge with a denim-clad leg, and then flicked the other over gracefully to right myself inside with ease. The familiarity knocked the wind out of me.

I looked around. The door to the rest of the house was closed and nothing had really changed. The bed covers were a bit ruffled, a slight impression of a body discernable from when Charlie had laid there. I could smell a hint of him in the room, familiar and comforting. The rest remained untouched, a light film of dust beginning to settle on my belongings from lack of use.

True to my reckoning, a pair of my sneakers were still where I had kicked them off beside my bed. My alarm was still to go off at the time I had last set. The last clothes I had changed out of were waiting to be carried down to the laundry room. It was as if time within this house had frozen, while outside the world carried on.

I looked over my book shelf in an attempt to quell my edginess from thoughts of Charlie that were ominous in my mind. Crouching down to the bottom shelf, I spotted some of my childhood books, layered with a thicker film of dust. There at the very end was The Velveteen Rabbit. As a little girl I couldn't have grasped the layers of truth held in the words of these glossy pages. The 'make believe' wasn't far from the reality, and even the fairy tales held their own truths. It was the horror stories that concerned me; I was surely yet to learn how much was embellished fiction and how much of it was something I would now have to face up to.

I moved two steps backward and sat down onto the edge of my bed as I felt a vibration in my pocket.

_You're torturing me girl, what's_

_taking so long? Edward knows_

_you're coming back. -A_

Alice's ability baffled me, yet another thing that increased my anticipation to get back to them and learn all I could.

_Alice, is it possible that everything's true? _

_The fairy tales and the horror stories?_

-x-

_I like to think we could be_

_a fairy tale. It's the connection to_

_our past that keeps us from_

_being a horror story. -A_

Amongst Alice's words was the possibility that being a vampire didn't eliminate all of your human characteristics after all. It may have been her idealist nature, but at this stage, from what I had felt in myself, I sided with her outlook. Perhaps the same was reflected in Edward. He wasn't so amazing because he wasn't human; he was so amazing because he had once been human. I could finally think of him as real. All of the Cullens had different natures, which could only stem from who they had been when they were alive. I wouldn't lose all of myself, after all. I was still Bella, somewhere in there, and most importantly, he was still Edward. He had changed my life and revealed his true self to me, but he was still the Edward I fell in love with.

The wall that collapsed around me in Carlisle's study seemed to be building up again, brick by brick. Though this time it looked and felt different. It was…healthier, and more sound and secure in its foundations.

Out of all of this, I knew the answer to Edward's question. If he had told me, I would have wanted to change. I would have wanted to change, so that I could stay with him. So I could stay with him, as equals, for as long as _he_ walked this earth. _Forever_.

I understood now.

_Give yourself over to it. The rest will come from there. _

-x-x-x-


	21. Be Here Now

**A/N **Once again I start with large apologies for the slow posting. I had a chapter ready a while back, but it will likely be an outtake as it disrupted the flow of things. The next part of the story still has a fair bit of work to go into it, so fingers crossed for decent spells of time for me to get writing. Thank you for your patience between chapters, I sincerely appreciate it. I promise no matter what I'll finish this story – about five or so chapters to go I think. Thanks to my marvellous betas and pre-readers, and the lovely ladies who make my day on twitter. I'm landdownunda – come chat. Hope this is the something like the reunion you had been waiting for.

Song: 'The Scientist' By Coldplay

**Be Here Now**

_Oh tell me you love me  
Come back and haunt me  
Oh and I rush to the start_

_Nobody said it was easy_  
_Oh, it's such a shame for us to part_  
_Nobody said it was easy_  
_No one ever said it would be so hard_

_I'm going back to the start_

-x-x-x-

The hardest part about being back in my room was leaving again. It wouldn't be fair on Charlie or me if I fooled myself into thinking I could just come back again. The risk of being there just once was dangerous enough. I knew there would be nothing to indicate to Charlie that someone had been in the house, though I took care to leave it just so all the same. I wished I could leave him something, a sign, but I couldn't give him false hope or add to his speculations.

I took the long way around town towards the Cullen property, not wanting to take a chance on coming into contact with any of the people of Forks. The need for avoidance was a factor I was already becoming used to, and I knew that it wouldn't be long before I was just like the Cullens. Keeping my vampire identity protected would become second nature to me.

Once I reached the turn off from the highway, I took the conventional route up to the house, crunching ever so slightly on the loose gravel driveway as I walked along. With every step a sense of presence wound its way up from the soles of my feet, twisting up through my body like a vine around a pillar. As I rounded the final bend, the overhanging trees that hugged the driveway cleared; I saw him.

He looked nervous, anticipating, but behind the aura of anxiousness, he was just as I had imagined him in my absence. I was looking at him through the eyes that I wished I could have had for him when I first woke up. I was looking at him and seeing comfort, and seeing him for who and what he was to me all along.

I bit down on my lower lip, though the pressure would have little effect on the innate hue of pale pink the skin wore permanently now. No blood flushed to my cheeks to betray me with evidence of my swirling mixture of nerves and hope. As he watched me, the smile he gave me was devastatingly beautiful.

Edward moved away from the huge picture window where he stood, disappearing from my view. It was late evening in Forks, and the setting sun cracked through onto the driveway from the west, throwing a bright glow up ahead. Casting my eyes down, I checked my appearance, brushing down the buttons of my borrowed baby blue shirt. I wondered if I should have had the inclination to get something a little more…sexy, from Tanya's wardrobe; as though that would help my reception. Though Edward would never be shallow…

My mind rambled, as something akin to nerves took my overactive vampire thoughts hostage. It wasn't long before my worrying was relieved. I sensed him in front of me before I'd even looked up. I raised my head tentatively to find him at the bottom of the porch steps, halted in motion from closing the gap further. He was reading me, sparking a pang of guilt that he even had to consider that I might not be there for the sort of reunion we were both silently hoping for.

I broke his hesitation as I took two soft steps closer to him, my tension easing as it prompted him to do the same. My fingers twitched. If I stretched out my arm, I would be able to touch the ivory skin of his cheekbone. My desire gave me a voice.

"I've got the answer to your last message," I said softly.

My voice melted into the air around us, rather than cracking through the silence as I had expected it to. I took his calm demeanour as encouragement to continue. Not wanting to waste words, I opened up right away.

"I would have asked you to change me, Edward," I whispered with conviction.

Saying it aloud was such a sweet relief, telling him making my realisation the truth. There was no denying it now, though I wondered how much value Edward held in knowing it was so. I could see he was thinking it over.

"Is that from the perspective of a vampire with no choice, or a teenage girl who was being lied to?" he asked.

That familiar voice was so welcome, but his melancholic approach upset me. He had to understand that I wasn't back here holding any hesitation or harbouring anger towards him, and I wasn't going to guilt him over what happened.

"From the perspective of both," I replied.

I stared at him, searching for a way to explain what I meant.

"But also from the perspective of neither," I elaborated. "Those things aren't me."

I wasn't sure if confusion or impending relief was going to win out in Edward's expression. I let out a huff of useless air, releasing the words I needed to give him.

"I've learnt something over the past few days, and basically at the heart of it was that you make me real, Edward. It doesn't matter whether it's the vampire me or the human me, or how I came to be like this. It is what it is. You make me, me."

My hand twitched again, and without volition I reached my arm out. A startling charge electrified my fingertips as I tentatively touched the smoothness of his cheeks, tracing where the fullness gave way to the curve of his eyes. As I swept back across towards his hairline, he reached up and covered my hand with his own, holding it in place.

"I didn't think you could forgive me. I felt like you'd finally see me for the soulless monster that I am," he whispered, his gaze downcast towards the gravel.

"You're not soulless, Edward."

He raised his eyes to look into mine, disbelieving.

"See, it's in your eyes," I whispered.

"What is?" he said softly.

"Love. Your soul. It's all in your eyes."

"Soul?" he questioned, releasing my hand from his. He still sounded unconvinced. "I've never believed that I had a soul, and all of this only made me more assured of that. Someone who could put the person they loved through what I put you through, there's no way they could have a soul."

"But you _love_ Edward, fully and completely. You love me." It was clearly a statement, not a question, but as an afterthought I raised an eyebrow for confirmation.

"I love you Bella, like nothing else I've ever known or felt," he whispered, brushing a lock of hair behind my ear.

"See, it's like with the rabbit," I whispered back. "The Velveteen Rabbit? Love doesn't mind if your fur is worn, or if some of your parts don't work, or if you are some fantasy being. Love can climb over the top of all of these things and get deep inside you. Love is in your soul."

"You're such a dreamer, Bella," he smirked, lighting up his eyes a little, the way I loved.

We were both quiet.

"Maybe," I said. "I love you."

He took my face between his hands and leaned in closer to me. I could smell the sweetness of him, his breath floating towards me and igniting my lungs as I inhaled.

"You should come inside," he whispered, "It's getting increasingly harder to block out the audience awaiting us."

"I hope they're only thinking good things," I wondered aloud.

"Isabella, are you nervous about reuniting with my vampire family?" he teased.

_A little_, I thought to myself. The fact he was talking rather than kissing me when he had me so close was throwing my confidence off kilter.

"I am," I answered, "I'm not sure whether Alice will hug me for coming back or punch me for taking too long."

"Probably both," he smirked. In that moment I knew I was home.

Edward took my hand as he turned, leading me up the steps to his house. I welcomed the contact as I went to face his family again, a visible assurance to them that the person who was their number one concern was okay with me returning. While Alice and Jasper had been outwardly supportive and encouraging of me, I knew that if they had to choose sides, their loyalties would lie with Edward.

The Cullens were doing their best to not look like they had been waiting for us. Carlisle was pretending to read a medical reference book which I knew he had already absorbed in its entirety. By the time we walked through, the rest of them had largely given up on appearing occupied and were now just staring at the doorway.

I stayed one step behind Edward, hidden just in the cover of his shoulder. Carlisle looked up from the pages and cast his eyes on his son, gathering what he could about his mood before he did or said anything else. I noted the others were quickly doing the same. Emmett was the first to speak to me.

"Ah, the little fledgling has returned."

Edward took another couple of steps forward, but I hung back in the doorway, giving Emmett a half nod in acknowledgment. I gathered from the mood in the room that they were being tentative of me; it could have been mistaken for hostility if I hadn't had the strength of sense to feel the difference. My eyes settled on Alice. I could tell instantly she was waiting for the same assurance that I was - that this was okay, that _we_ were okay. I was a little shocked; Alice was always so forward and terribly stubborn and I'd I assumed she would simply _make_ us okay out of the sheer force of her will. I appreciated her hesitation though, recognising the challenge I had faced and allowing me to approach her on my own terms for the first time in our friendship.

I smiled at her with my eyes, the slight raise and twitch of my hands enough to beckon her to me. She didn't hesitate, and I didn't even see her move across the room before I felt her crash into my body.

Esme pushed herself up off the couch next and gracefully strode across to us, arms reaching out to me. Alice stepped aside just enough for Esme to gather me into a hug. She released me, keeping one arm around my shoulder, Alice on my other side, and directed us further into the room.

"You don't need to feel awkward around us, Bella," Jasper said. "None of us are in a position to judge you for the way you handled what was thrown at you. Any one of us could have done the same."

Alice and Esme released me, and I watched as Edward took a spot on the couch, motioning toward the space next to him.

"I still feel like I owe you an explanation," I said after I sat down.

"You don't owe us anything," Carlisle interjected.

"You came back; that's the only explanation we need," Rose said, almost to herself. I looked to her with trepidation only to catch a hint of welcoming affection in her eyes.

"How are…how's Charlie? My mom?" I questioned nervously. "What have I… missed?"

It was such a heavily laden question, though Edward didn't seem to notice my hesitation over my word choice. Instead, he was exchanging a wary glance with Carlisle.

"What's wrong?" I whispered.

"Nothing is _wrong_," Carlisle told me, emphasizing the word in a strange way.

"Aside from the obvious," Rose muttered. She was all over the show, I couldn't tell if she was pleased to have me back or annoyed at the inconvenience. Then she elaborated, and I understood her frustration.

"We're harbouring a missing person who should from all accounts be well dead by now," she finished.

"Rosie, you could have put it more delicately than that," Emmett nudged.

"Sorry, Bella, I don't mean to sound harsh. Don't think for a moment that I'm not happy to have you back with my brother; I just think my family underestimates that you're tough enough to handle the truth now."

She raised her eyebrow in question as to whether I agreed with her. I was grateful that she saw me in that way. She seemed to be the only one who registered that I had the guts to run away by myself, stupid or not.

"I am," I said to her, before casting my eyes around the room and settling on Edward. "If we're going to get through this, I can't be bubble wrapped anymore. I appreciate the concern, but with all of you around me. I'm confident I can cope."

"Charlie?" I broached, shifting the conversation back.

"If we're being honest, struggling," Carlisle answered. "He's still holding out hope that you're alive. He can't comprehend how your body could not have been found, or could have been moved far enough away in such a short time between attack and when the car was discovered when the search parties and road blocks were put in place."

"He's contemplating hiring a private detective," Alice piped up. "He's been researching them the last few days; he thinks he'll go with one from Seattle." She paused, contemplating. "Even we haven't made any ground on tracking your attacker though," she drifted off.

"If it's at all possible I'd like to prevent him from bringing more investigators into this…but that's something we can discuss later," Carlisle continued.

"He's being looked after, though. For what it's worth, his fridge and freezer are crammed full of home cooking and baking from the neighbours and families on the Reservation," Esme told me.

There wasn't much detail there that I could take comfort in, mostly because I knew it was merely skimming the surface of what Charlie's days were like at the moment. Carlisle carried on.

"Renee left town two days ago. She hasn't given up either; she just doesn't have the same mindset or resources as Charlie to pursue hope on a daily basis. She told Esme she'd be back in a few days, and after that, she wasn't sure what she'd do with herself."

There was a poignant silence in the room, and it was evident that even though these vampires were long removed from their human lives, they still comprehended the pain of my parents in facing the loss of a child.

"It's good to have you back, Bella," Carlisle concluded.

-x-x-x-

"As token as it may sound, we should really talk more, don't you think?" Edward broached carefully.

The rest of the family had left us alone, finding reasons to be elsewhere in the house, our group discussion to continue later.

"There's something else I'd much prefer we did first," I countered softly. I felt guilty when there were so many things I needed to address, but reconnecting with Edward was a pivotal foundation. It felt like, especially after hearing of my parents, I needed this contact. I needed to feel that I had someone.

We studied each other's faces in silence, getting trapped in one another's eyes before re-familiarising ourselves with the curve of cheeks, the lick at the end of long eyelashes, the lines and fullness of lips.

"May I?" he checked, staring at my lips, though always the gentleman.

"Please," I managed to murmur.

He kissed me, soft and fragile as a dandelion brushed against skin, the tiny segments breaking apart on contact and spreading their tickling touch. Our lips lingered between each other, before he closed over mine again and his momentum built. The seal of them ignited my body before his tongue slipped through and caressed my own tentatively before finding purchase. It seemed there would be many firsts in my new life, but this obliterated all others thus far. _This _was our first kiss: _this _was like no other kiss I had ever experienced. He had never kissed me this way before. I wondered how much I had truly been missing, how much he held back because I had been too fragile for his touch.

"You've been holding out on me," I accused when his kisses moved momentarily to my neck.

He laughed, the moment of respite evidenced by the sound of his happiness.

It was thrilling to know that I hadn't lost the ability to feel this way with Edward because my body was different. I took comfort in knowing that his experiences with me when I was a human weren't lessened at all because he was a vampire. I made mental note to work on getting Edward to spend less time talking and more time kissing.

-x-x-x-

Kissing as a vampire didn't give you desensitized lips or a tired jaw if you kept at it for too long. It could be continued for hours and still be as enjoyable as the first contact of skin on skin. The plaguing knowledge that I needed to resolve a number of issues was starting to taint the pleasure, and guilt was seeping through.

"Um…carefully, Bella. Ow."

I pulled back from him; looking in shock to where he was rubbing the place I had just squeezed on his bicep.

"Don't panic, love," he said, his hand lifting and curling to the shape of my face like satin-covered steel. "You're just a bit stronger than I am at the moment."

The idea was surreal. I was stronger than Edward. I'd made him say _ow_. He moved his thumb where it sat against my cheek, the kick of desire to kiss him intensifying again.

"I should be working out how to help Charlie and Renee, not kissing my boyfriend," I confessed guiltily.

"That's not something that can happen with the snap of fingers, Bella. Time will be lenient with us for a little longer, I'm sure."

"You seem confident that we can manage what's ahead," I said.

He looked into my eyes, really looked, so far that I was sure I saw a glimpse of all the emotion he had experienced in the last weeks cross his amber pupils. I understood, then, what all of this meant to him.

"Bella, I spent a moment of my life with you dead. It's given me a new perspective. I know that we're not invincible, but I also feel that the limits of what I can manage have been pushed to their extreme. The fact that after all of this, I still have you…well, now," he paused, thinking. "I just need to make sure you are as happy as you can be."

"Do you think that I'll be happy? Not with you, I mean, because I know that answer. I mean, happy with…the rest of it? Do you think your family is happy like this?"

"I think so. Certainly it's their mates that play the largest factor in that, and I guess also the fact that we have each other's companionship. We're not lonely, which helps immensely in this life, I think."

"Is Rose happy?"

"At times there are probably undertones of disappointment for her, but generally, yes, I think she is happy. The difference with Rose is that she gave up more than the rest of us did when she became a vampire. She felt as though her human life was fairly perfect, aside from her last few simple desires coming to fruition. I think she's become more content recently, though, through seeing us and what happened to you. I think she questioned how much of what she had was fickle, and how what she has now is possibly more real. Emmett is her world. I doubt she'd change that for much."

We were quiet for a moment, sombre.

"I guess that's where I'm cautious about you. You've given up so much to live like this. Even though you had no chance left at a human life, what I've done to you means that you have to see and remember what you had, rather than being completely removed from it in death. Does that make sense?"

I nodded. I had so many questions, there was so much I didn't know. My mind was busy, making it hard to comprehend one chain of thought. I had to make a concerted effort to focus on the most important things.

"What about you? Was your chance at a human life over, too? Did you leave a lot behind?"

Edward looked down at the space between us.

"No, I had nothing left. My parents had died a month earlier, and I was on my death bed when Carlisle changed me. This life may as well be all that I have known."

I sighed a little, a trait that had returned as if natural. Although I didn't blame Edward for keeping the secret of what he was from me, being guarded wasn't something that was going to work for us any longer. I needed him to be open and relaxed with me when I was learning the ways and facing the complications of this new life ahead of us.

"We both know now that this love can't be tarnished in the usual ways," I broached, "but that doesn't mean that it will be smooth and easy, unless I know that you are being entirely open with me, _all _the time. That means that you can't keep things hidden from me because you think it will protect me."

I watched his reaction, knowing that where it came down to protecting me, Edward would find a way to disagree.

"Your love and companionship is the only protection I need," I added. "I think I've said that if I have that, the rest I can handle."

"You say that, but this is basically a whole different level of openness that you are asking for," he countered.

"Yes, and you changed me knowing that that was what I was in for. I'm inherently prepared to handle this now, simply from being like you. Really, after the shock I woke up to, you'd be doing pretty well to surprise me."

He relaxed his shoulders a little and took my hand, resting it on his thigh, linking hold of my little finger and running across the grooves of my knuckles with his own.

"You said you would have asked me to change you. That's exactly what I was afraid of the whole time; that I would consciously take your life away from you for no good reason. I couldn't have that on my hands. I never wanted who I was to have such an effect on your existence. I needed you to have a chance at a normal, happy life."

Edward went on to tell me the back story of the members of his family; how Carlisle had changed all but Alice and Jasper. I was agape as he shared with me the intricacies of the rare skills they held - Jasper's ability to control emotions, and Alice's ability to see subjective glimpses of the future. We puzzled over why he could read all minds but my own, and our surprise that I was still silent to him even as a vampire. I was in complete awe of his talent; that skill made him all the more alluring and attractive to me. Like a high school girl who dated the golden quarterback, I was stupidly proud to be with one of the only mind reading vampires in the world.

He told me a little of what his life was like before he found me; travelling the world, settling in towns and cities for short periods of time then moving on, mostly as a family. He didn't go into a lot of detail, and I mostly let him speak rather than questioning. I knew that I could look forward to gradually sharing the specifics of the hundred odd years he had experienced without me.

Eventually, he came to tell me that he blamed himself for what had happened to me. Impossibly, he felt responsible for my being attacked, saying that if he hadn't lied to me about helping Esme that day, if he hadn't been out hunting with Emmett instead, then I would have been with him in his car, and I never would have been killed. He claimed that his vampire needs stopped him from picking me up that night, with hunting frequently being the only way to quell the desperate desire for my blood that he felt when he was around me. I had to interrupt him then.

"Edward, that's absurd to blame yourself. You _had _to hunt: you couldn't prevent this from happening. There would have been another day or another moment when I was alone when this could have happened if the guy wanted it to."

He looked far from convinced. I let it go; we'd made some progress, so I decided not to press him any further for now. I had plenty of years up my sleeve to encourage him not to be so hard on himself.

As our discussion dissolved, a burst of midday sun managed to show itself through a rare break in the Forks cloud cover, casting softly into Edward's room where we sat on the edge of his bed. Only in the light could I see the truth of my past. Faint half moons marked various locations on my new body, and even fainter scar lines from where I had been wounded, then healed by Carlisle.

Edward noticed me studying myself.

"They can't be seen by the human eye on vampire skin," he said quietly.

I turned my wrist over, looking at the form where not so long ago there would have been a pulse.

"Some things still feel like me, but so much is different." I kept my eyes down. "I'm not the girl you were attracted to; the scent, the beating heart, all the things that made me a fragile human...they're gone."

"That's where you're wrong, Bella, you're everything you were and _more_," he responded quickly, turning my chin up to face him with a careful finger. "What made you unique will always be with you; your gentle, selfless nature, your unspeakable beauty – all of that stays."

The disbelieving look on my face must have spoken volumes to him. He pulled me off the bed and led me across to the wardrobe, where he opened the door wide exposing a full length mirror. He directed me in front of it, his hands on my arms at my sides, looking from just above my head at my reflection.

It struck me that this was the first time I had stood in front of a mirror since I'd been changed. I'd had no reason to go into a bathroom and had never walked by one at the Denali's. Surprisingly, my first reaction was an unthinking pleasure. The alien creature in the glass was indisputably beautiful, every bit as beautiful as Alice or Esme. She was fluid even in stillness, and her flawless face was pale as the moon against the frame of her dark, heavy hair. Her limbs were smooth and strong, skin glistening subtly, luminous as a pearl.

"See," he whispered. "Unspeakably beautiful."

I saw the evidence of the blood red eyes he had told me of when I first awoke. He said it would be months until they were like his. Aside from the difference in our eyes, even I could see that I looked like I should be with him. I didn't feel as inferior as I had when I walked through the school halls with a boy who was too beautiful by my side.

He rested his chin down on the top of my head and wrapped his arms around my chest. I took it all in, still wondering how strange this must be for Edward, as it was for me.

"I may not want to feed on you anymore, but I can assure you, you still smell delectable," he smirked as he kissed my neck. "What makes it even more special now, though, is that you share things with me. I don't feel so foreign. There's no reason for me not to be with you."

"That's good to know," I said, turning into him within the circle of his arms.

"Like I said, you're still my Bella, just less fragile. My beautiful lamb is now my lioness," he said into the top of my head.

I couldn't help but giggle at his cheesiness, though at the same time I couldn't help but love that he felt that way, either.

Despite it being pleasing, there was one distinct problem with seeing the new me that registered with a greater understanding. The Cullens had told me I was different, and that I looked different. But this was clearly _not me_. This was not the 'me' that Charlie or Renee would remember. The human version had been so much more dowdy and unrefined. If I ever had the chance to be reunited with them, how could they possibly not question my apparent flawlessness?

Thinking that a chance even existed was fruitless. The question answered itself. They would notice. They could never see me like this.

-x-x-x-

In the late afternoon, Alice, Jasper, Emmett and Rose invited Edward and I to join them to hunt. The thirst had crept back into my consciousness, but I found myself nervous about hunting with them. I hadn't been concerned in front of Victoria because I had been so focused on the aching necessity rather than her impression of me. I didn't want to embarrass myself with my novice skills or give Emmett anything to tease me about.

Edward seemed to sense my hesitation.

"You're coming, right Bella?" he asked as he stood to leave.

"Are you sure they'll want me crashing their hunting party?"

"No crashing involved, love. Didn't I promise you I'd coach you on tactics?"

"My tactics are developing okay; I'm just not sure I'm ready to put on a show for anyone."

He laughed a little, understanding what I was hinting at.

"Just remember, if Emmett gives you flack about anything, you're physically stronger than even him at the moment."

I smiled at his understanding and reassurance and followed him down to join the others.

I think I surprised myself as much as the rest of them with how my hunting had improved. I was now tidier, but I also caught my prey with fairly good tact. Edward laughed at me when I started for a deer but changed direction at the very last minute, springing myself on a much better looking one. Not only did I upsize, but the animal never saw it coming.

Having Edward with me changed hunting for me. It was not just a necessity anymore; it was now something I could enjoy. I loved that he could teach me things, and while I was competent, I could tell he loved sharing this with me, having a mate that could sense the same things he could. Once satiated, we headed back towards the voices of the group who were talking in a small clearing. Jasper's brow furrowed as he watched me rejoin them.

"I don't know," Edward murmured.

'What question did I miss?"

Edward grinned. "Jasper wonders how you're doing it."

"Doing what?" I asked, looking between the boys.

"Controlling your desires and emotions, Bella." Jasper answered. "I saw hints of it when you first awoke and again when you managed yourself as we spoke of your father earlier. Victoria told us of your control when you were with her, and you're already hunting selectively. I've never seen a newborn do that – stop an emotion or your basic hunting instinct in its tracks the way you have."

It wasn't something I had an answer for. Surely I hadn't had good control over my emotions at the point I decided to run from Edward. Maybe the characteristic made me a liability.

"Is that a bad thing?" I asked.

"It's worked for you so far," Jasper replied. He squinted his eyes at me as though it might tell him more about my mind, releasing it to light up with a cheeky smile.

"It seems all of our women have powerful minds," he said, wrapping his arm over Alice's shoulder.

-x-x-x-

Edward and I left his siblings to go back to the house without us. Edward made the suggestion that we head out to our old meadow.

"Race you," he jabbed.

"Whatever happened to giving the lady a head start?" I shouted behind him as I took off myself.

The wind which funnelled around me from my speed blew my hair and my shirt out behind me, and, though I knew it shouldn't, it felt warm against my skin. Just as the rough forest floor shouldn't feel like velvet beneath my bare soles, and the branches that whipped against my skin shouldn't feel like feather light.

Edward was fast - faster than me. When I broke through a thick area of trees, he was standing above me on a rock ledge, smirking ever so slightly. I stood, staring at him unabashedly. It was perfect.

A gap in the clouds aligned for a vector of light to strike his perfect pallor. As light met light, a shimmer of movement began to dance just above the surface of his exposed skin, brewing to a crescendo where a myriad of diamond sparkles radiated in all directions. My mouth dropped in shock.

"Did I forget to mention we sparkle?" he grinned tentatively.

Entranced, I walked over to him, stopping a yard away in the shadow. There was nothing more captivating. In my eyes, he already shone on even the greyest of days; that he was literally luminous in the sunshine was an unbounded bonus.

"I didn't sparkle in your bedroom?" I questioned.

"You weren't in enough direct sunlight," he explained.

He beckoned me closer with his finger.

"Come here, love."

I still revelled in seeing Edward in the light, but even more surprising was seeing myself next to him. He linked his arms around my hips, leaning back to look at me. We were the same, our diamond skin reflecting and disbanding glistening rays about us. I would always consider him to be a carat or two above me in his beauty; a musing which he vehemently denied when I shared it with him.

"Love, of all the worlds jewels, combined in the most glorious of locations, there is no finer than you, right here," he said with a slightly pompous tone and ridiculous smirk.

Laughing heartily, I gave him a good shove backwards and bolted away down the crest of the ledge towards our meadow. When he gave chase I knew I had lost; the new Bella was strong, but Edward had speed. Even as a newborn I could never outrun him. He caught up to me as we reached the border of the wild flowers filling the vivid green round. He swept me up with a single arm, flipping us into the air then shielding me with his body as he rolled us into the grass. We came to rest with him above me, pinning me down with his arms on either side of my shoulders. My laughter continued, loving the fact that we could fool around with no worry of him harming me, our bodies the same composition, no substantial weakness letting me down. Testing my supposed newborn strength, I pushed my arms against him, twisting my body upwards and over him as I flipped him onto his back. His face was priceless as he thudded into the grass.

"Let's see if you can still do that in six months time, love," he threatened.

"I like that idea," I said. "Whether I win or not, I still end up in an enjoyable position."

As he lifted to press his lips to mine, I could tell in the fervour of his kiss that he agreed.

-x-x-x-

We lay in the meadow for hours, gazing at nothing, at each other, and exploring our bodies with new hands and sensations. Not to mention the kissing - plenty of kissing. I took the time to enjoy what was both my new reality and an escape from reality. A weighty need to come up with some sort of plan to address my attack and disappearance could not be ignored much longer. The decision that Carlisle had first presented me with still lingered amongst us. Charlie and Renee were supposed to carry on as though I was gone, and achieving that was going to affect everyone.

The expanse above us became dark, the lights of the night-time in hiding, the new moon showing only dappled blackness where it's glowing round should be. The sky had taken on new meaning, and I appreciated its intricacies. As time passed, I was sure I could see the subtle phasing of the moon before my eyes. It was beautiful, my newly enhanced eyesight picking out faint divots that were reflected in the golden hue from the sun across the other side of the world. The black of my world was fading and moving forward; soon the sun would cast its light once more and a new phase would begin.

Night used to be a time of unchanging routine, of being safe inside and getting rest. Now it held new possibilities, with time at my disposal to explore my love and learn from my new family. Where once I had cowered from the shadows of darkness, now I could walk through them with confidence and enjoy the veil it provided.

The light and possibility of the daytime was something I had once sought as a teenager living in a grey town, always hoping for a sunny day to visit the beach with friends. It was now something that could reveal my secret. It was now something to be shared only with Edward and the Cullens.

I could adjust to that.

-x-x-x-


	22. My Never

A/N Thank you beautiful people. Despite my writing time being limited these days, your continuing support and comments in review make me giddy. My wonderful betas and pre-readers are sterling, thank you to the fabulous HollettLA for joining the Eighteen team. Thank you to Elusive for always giving me a reality check when I need one, and my lovely pre-readers for your thoughts and time.

Song: 'Lovesong' By Adele (original by The Cure) 

**My Never**

_Whenever I'm alone with you_

_You make me feel like I am home again_

_Whenever I'm alone with you_

_You make me feel like I am whole again  
_

-x-x-x-

We transitioned seamlessly from one place of solitude to another, from the meadow to Edward's bedroom. It was a rare occasion when all six of his family were out of the house, and I could tell Edward and I were both anxious to spend as much time as we could alone together. With everything so new and intense, I was clinging to the moments as if they may slip away all too easily. I felt a fool for having wasted so much time away from Edward. Yet at the same time, I held on to the idea that we had more time than I had ever imagined to fulfil every desire, and to simply be together. It was as if following the greatest horror I could have experienced, then awakening to the greatest shock, I had actually been given the greatest gift.

We were hanging on to one last hour of attempted ignorance, the elephants waiting patiently in the corner of the room. Things that remained unsaid needed to be aired, plans needed to be put in place, and we needed to actively look into what threat existed from whoever had hurt me.

It was a lot harder to ignore for Alice, who had been having a hard few hours since she had hunted with us. Her visions were giving her a headache. She had isolated herself to try and clear the interference she was facing. We were to all meet up shortly to see what sense we could make of everything collectively.

As I pushed all that aside, I returned my attention to Edward lying next to me. The heat between us had increased noticeably after the hours wrapped in each other in the meadow. We had left each other wanting more with our kisses, but uncertain about whether now was the right time to act on our desires.

The more I thought about it, the more I wanted Edward in that way. He was too much of a gentleman to voice his feelings on the subject without prompting from me. He seemed to use more subtle methods. I wasn't sure if lying there practically shirtless was his invitation to take things further. I had watched him slip off his grass stained button down and throw it in the laundry hamper, leaving the clean one he pulled on unbuttoned.

This sexual tension wasn't new to us, but in a way it was. I was different, things were different. In no way would it be a mistake; I had no fears of what it would mean for us. I worried a little about my new body, how it would react, and how it would feel. But the inhibition about my own imperfections and abilities weren't there like they were for my first time as a human. It was Edward; no matter what, he'd be with me.

"Bella…?" Edward whispered, lightly rubbing me with the leg that was entangled with mine. We had been lying together silently, enjoying the simplicity of close proximity. The querying tone in his voice left no doubt that Edward's mind had been ticking over as much as mine had in this short time. I gave his arm a light squeeze to prompt him to continue.

"The exceptional control you seem to have…do you use it when you're around me?" he continued.

I thought about what he might be implying before responding.

"You mean am I controlling the emotions I feel for you?" I asked.

He nodded timidly, belying the reality that he was a fearsome predator. I loved that he was so strong and masculine in one moment, and in the next so deeply compassionate.

"I can't be sure but, from what I can tell, my emotions for you are pretty uncontrollable, Edward."

"Because, I want the complete version of you, Bella: no restraints, no hiding," he said, his lips caressing my earlobe.

I half-smiled, then raised my free hand – noting the smoothness of my movement – and placed it over his heart. White on white; we matched, for once.

"That's what you've got, Edward. I promise."

He pulled back a little, the space between our faces allowing me to show him the truth in my eyes.

With a kiss to my nose he said, "Good."

I felt compelled to tell him more. He needed to know.

"When I'm with you, there's nothing more than you. It's hard to believe I could need anything else," I continued, thinking a million thoughts about him at once. I could summarize my busy head in a sentence.

"I want you," I breathed.

I closed the gap between our faces once again, fingering the hair at the nape of his neck, our foreheads resting against one another. I had never been so honest with him before. He had exposed to me who he was, and now I felt like I could do the same.

I read the enamoured look in his eyes before he drew my mouth to his, a low moan in his throat. My lips parted automatically, allowing his tongue free rein. He infiltrated every sense, every nerve, every emotion.

It felt as if a switch had been flicked between us. Something said that this was okay. We wanted it and now would be as good a time as ever. With little effort he managed to tear my shirt from me, barely breaking contact. The feel of skin on skin had me instantly wanting more.

"Okay?" he asked, his former cautious nature checking in.

"Keep going," I moaned into his mouth, hoping he'd understand what I wanted.

The words falling from my lips surprised me, but were quickly forgotten as Edward feverishly removed my jeans, before moving his attention to my bra. I looked down as he pulled the fabric back to slip his tongue across my nipple, palming me carefully. The attention made me wet and anxious to experience what else he could do to me. As my bra was unclasped, my breasts came free between us, allowing Edward better access to toy with me.

He'd never touched me quite like this before; so freely and absorbed in my body. Every touch was a soothing burn; every look was a laden gaze. I felt special, like the only thing that existed in Edward's world. After what had happened to me in the past weeks, I finally felt alive.

"Love…Bella. You were perfect as a human, I never imagined you could become any more remarkable," he said, as he released a breast and reconnected with my lips. He broke away again after a minute to caress his way down my neck and along the dips and rises of my collarbone. "You're like a porcelain doll," he whispered against me.

He stopped his kisses and caresses for a moment, moving to look me in the eye. I could tell he was giving me another moment to make sure I was okay. He saw the answer he hoped for.

"I thought I'd never be able to do this again. I thought I'd never be able to even _hold_ you again. This is…" he trailed off with a soft groan, the inability to find the words making his confession even more convincing.

"Shh," I said, placing a finger on his lips, "no more talking."

He kissed my fingertips before shifting his body to hover over me. I could feel his hard length as it moved across my thigh to rest between my legs.

He looked into my eyes for reassurance, and though I was silent he could see the conviction that this was what I wanted, to fully reunite and experience the beginning of this life with him. I was ready for this; this was my future. I had lost my virginity to Edward already, but there was nothing between us now; no secrets, no insecurities.

He drew me against him as he entered me, bringing me as close as possible for that first moment. Our bodies fused, making it impossible to tell where I ended and he began. He froze briefly; his face looked as though simply being in me was enough. Passion overcame as he began to move above me. I revelled in his movements as he slipped out a little, finding just the right angle to press into me once more. He had me transfixed with his rhythm, my body writhing with the pleasure.

When we had first made love, I had been a girl in both mind and body. I was passionate and true, but virginal and unknowing. I had hung on to that memory, treasuring it for what it was, thinking I would never have that again. I should have guessed that it could be better. I now knew the unbounded possibilities Edward and I held as a couple. Something about becoming a vampire made me a woman. My immortalization cemented who I was meant to be. I didn't feel like a naïve girl anymore. I felt like I was capable of loving with infallible strength and passion.

I could really appreciate Edward now. I could clearly see every beautiful line of his perfect face, of his long, flawless body, every angle and every plane of him. I could taste his pure, vivid scent on my tongue and feel the unbelievable silkiness of his marble skin under my sensitive fingertips.

We were equals. I met him kiss for kiss, stroke for stroke, thrust for thrust. When we came together like this, the last piece of my understanding of who Edward was clicked into place, fixed with an unbreakable seal. I knew now, even if we were apart, we would always be together. We were individuals who were strong alone, but nothing compared to our power when we were joined. This was who we were meant to be. Edward and Bella.

The feeling of him reaching his climax within me was my undoing. The euphoria of satisfying release ignited me in every place where my skin touched Edward's, and I couldn't help but cry out his name in gratification of what he had done to me.

-x-x-x-

I lay with my cheek against his stomach, both of us calming from the high we had just shared. His fingers trailed down the contours of my spine, lightly tracing patterns on my skin.

"It's unbelievably good to have my best friend back," I said, turning slightly to place a kiss on the landscape of his abdominals.

"I know the feeling well," Edward replied with a smile.

"It feels more real this time…is that weird? I mean, this shouldn't be real to me, but despite what happened it feels like it is. The whole foundation to our friendship…our relationship, it's truer."

I looked along the curve of his chest to him smiling down at me. He looked like he was about to start something, until the idea was cut short by what we both sensed was approaching.

"My family's home," he said softly, twirling a strand of my hair in his fingers.

I could hear them returning downstairs as he spoke. I felt guilty for the disappointment that crossed my face.

"Don't worry, love. There'll be plenty of opportunity for more of today's activities. I'll be making sure of that," he added with a smirk.

Moments later, there was a light knock at the door.

"Edward, may I speak with you?" Carlisle said on the other side.

"I'll be right back," he said with a kiss to my forehead, before slipping his pants and shirt back on. He pulled the door closed again as he left, giving me privacy with only his sheet twisted around me.

Hearing Alice shuffling in her and Jasper's room, I rolled off the bed to re-dress and checked myself in the en suite mirror. I knotted my hair on top of my head in an effort to help disguise my ruffled appearance, knowing it was fruitless and Alice would see through my attempted cover up. She knew me too well, she would sense a change.

I walked along the corridor to find her, the carpet amazingly soft against my hard feet. I popped my head around her doorway, waiting for an invitation to enter. She looked around from where she stood at the window, her eyes warming when she saw me.

"Hey B, how are you, girl?" she asked, turning to me.

Amazing. Terrified. "Good but anxious?" I smiled at her.

"I know what you mean, though I'm sure for different reasons," she smiled back knowingly. "It's so fantastic to have you back with us for good; I just need to get everything else cleared up in my head so we can truly enjoy it."

She sat down amongst the cushions on her window seat, as comfortable as she always was to have me in her space. One of the walls was covered in photography of Alice and Jasper with family and friends, always evolving to include new pictures. Some were clearly old and well travelled, including one of my favorites of Alice and Jasper on the day they were married. Alice had her chin on Jasper's shoulder, her arms draped around him holding a bouquet. The love in their eyes was one of the clearest displays of emotion I had seen captured in a photo. She had added a few more recent pictures, including a photo of all of us with some of my school friends taken at the prom.

The sight of it reminded me once more of the past I had left behind. I was grateful that we had shared some great times together recently, with the thrill of finishing school and preparing to head off to various colleges. It was Jacob's face that permeated my mind, missing from the montage in front of me. I was worried about him and hadn't given enough thought to what he might have been dealing with recently. He had always been my protector, my champion, my back up. He deserved to have people in his life who would be those things for him in return.

There was a small gap behind Alice on the seat. I walked across and shifted a cushion a little to move in next to her. Drawing her back closer to my chest I wrapped my arms around her shoulders.

"I missed you," she said softly.

"I know" I replied, "I missed you too."

We sat huddled together quietly. After recent events it felt like a deceptively long time had passed since we had been this close in such a simple way. Alice's loyalty to me was so humbling.

"Alice, do you have any idea how Jacob is coping? I feel terrible that I haven't done more to make sure he is okay."

For someone who knew what was coming, she looked a little caught off guard at my question.

"I think he's doing better."

Her anxious tone was telling; things definitely weren't completely okay with Jake. She glazed over a little, then snapped out of it and spoke.

"I think it's time we gathered everyone together," she said standing up. Simultaneously downstairs, we heard Carlisle calmly calling everyone to the living room.

Alice and I walked hand in hand, parting to join Edward and Jasper. Edward collected me under his arm, squeezing my hip and kissing the top of my head.

"Bella just asked about Jacob," Alice began. "I feel really bad that we haven't spoken to you about everything yet," she said, looking to me. "I'm sure you feel the same – that it's been a whirlwind…"

"It's okay, Alice," I interrupted. "I needed this time before…whatever's next."

"It's time to start addressing that 'whatever' now that you're comfortable here again, honey," Esme said sympathetically. I smiled at her trying to let her know that I truly was comfortable with them. "But where to start?" she continued, looking to Carlisle.

"I guess we should begin with Jacob," Carlisle started. "There's something that I understand you don't know about your attack. There was a third person involved at the scene."

The memories were so hazy, but I worked to pull up any fragment that I could.

_I heard a startled sound from my attacker and a scuffle above me. Before I could raise my heavy head to look at what was happening, I was knocked back down to the ground. Whatever had connected with the back of my head rendered me unconscious._

"I don't remember there being anyone else, but I suppose I could have easily missed something. I think I was unconscious for a bit," I told them, trying to remember.

"Bella, Jacob came across your truck on his bike," Carlisle explained. "He tried to intervene and stop the attack, but he got knocked out in the process. We're assuming your murderer thought he was dead or he just didn't get the opportunity to make sure, given that he left Jacob there and didn't remove him or harm him further.

"That was the only time it could have been. I never saw Jacob, but something distracted my attacker and I got thrown to the ground. I can't believe he was there," I said to myself.

A few more memories came back to me. Before the vampire change took hold I had seen Jacob, lying in the hospital. I had been quick to assume it was a motorbike accident. I never would have imagined that he was in a coma because of me. The idea that Jake had been there with me made my empty stomach churn.

_The ambulance I saw leaving the scene hadn't been there in case they found me. It wasn't there for me, it was for Jake. _

"It seems he was knocked out by a blow to the head that probably should have killed him. He was immensely fortunate though, my colleague phoned just before we returned to say he doesn't appear to have any long term damage."

That must have been why Carlisle had called Edward away, to forewarn him of the developments. "Do we know yet if Jake can help with who did this?" Rosalie asked, looking between Alice and Carlisle.

"That's the point we come to now," Carlisle responded. "Jake obviously hasn't been able to assist the police as yet. He's been coming around the past few days and this morning he seems to have taken a turn for the better. If he can remember anything, he might be able to help us."

"You mean help the police?" I clarified.

"Well, them too, I guess," Carlisle said unconvincingly. Edward spoke then.

"The thing is that Alice is growing increasingly concerned that this wasn't everyday criminal behavior."

"By that, do you mean not everyday _human_ criminal behavior, or beyond that?"

"Otherworldly influences, Bella," Alice said, almost regretfully.

"Right, so what now?"

"When it comes to the murder thing, we wait, I guess, for information or a vision. The thing we need to start discussing is you existing in Forks," she said.

For some reason the former seemed like less of a challenge. I'd rather deal with a murderer than covering for the fact that I was alive. For unforeseeable future.

"I think the best option is for us to remain here until this settles. No doubt once police leads go cold and a body isn't found, there will be memorial services and the like. We'll have to be cautious about where Bella is so we don't get caught out. Fortunately we shouldn't have too much trouble given Edward and Alice's abilities to predict visitors or potential problems. Bella, you may find it easier to visit with the Denalis again. Though, Edward, you won't be able to disappear with her – we don't want to arouse suspicion." Carlisle looked between us. "As soon as things aren't so fresh, we'll move on and find a new home. Perhaps Portland, or Alaska again, maybe even somewhere in Europe to be extra safe," he stated, as if it was so simple.

"Europe?" I blurted, thinking of how impossible it would be to keep watch over my family from an entirely different continent.

"It doesn't have to be so far as Europe," Edward quickly cut in. "And wherever we go, if you need to visit here, I'm sure we can manage that."

The rest of his family didn't look so sure.

So that was it then, I would be moving. No goodbyes, nothing.

If only vampires had the ability to forget.

-x-x-x-

I couldn't help it when I found myself thinking about Jacob and my family after the discussion with the Cullens. Before we left the house to come outside to the garden, Carlisle had placed his daily phone call to the police station to check in on progress. As we expected, there was none. With that knowledge Edward and I sat beside each other on the grass bank of the river which ran through the Cullens' property. I was simply staring ahead, lost in thought. Edward was next to me tying knots in the grass, trying not to let on that he was anxious about how I was coping.

"Do you not think it's even remotely possible for me to try and explain this to my parents and to Jake?" I asked, breaking the silence.

"I just don't see how, Bella," he said softly.

"What if we staged some return from the dead? Like the guy had kidnapped me but I got away and made it home?"

I felt like I was really onto something, that it could be a solution. Edward looked like he was actually considering it. He looked into my eyes.

"Bella, you don't look like you've been through a traumatic experience. Your eyes…your skin…there's no way you could be checked out at a hospital. You don't have a heartbeat."

"There's makeup and contact lenses!" I said, solving his issues proudly. "And I could refuse for any doctor to see me apart from Carlisle."

He was thinking again. I was cautious, but I was really starting to hold a little hope in this idea. In my excitement I moved to straddle his lap and peer into his eyes, searching for his submission. I think he could see it in my face that I was actively seeking alternatives to Carlisle's plan. I felt a bit guilty when I knew he would find it hard to say no to me.

"What about the fact that you're never going to age? Unfortunately, I think that plan has a very limited shelf-life, love."

My physical appearance was something I had forgotten about. In a few years time I wouldn't be able to see Charlie or Renee face to face, and moving away because of that may be more of an insult and harder to understand for them than the unfairness of my being taken from them by death. It would start a never-ending web of lies. Why they couldn't visit, why I couldn't visit them. Why Edward and I weren't going to have children, why we couldn't celebrate a single special occasion together.

"I can't just say yes; there are so many repercussions from the idea. But I'll think about it, broach the concept with Carlisle."

In the short space of time it had taken him to consider it, I had enough time to re-consider it and realise the unlikelihood.

"But you're not saying no either," I said, less hopeful now. He hadn't written the idea off, so I would leave it with him despite my doubts. I kissed his cheek in appreciation of his humoring me.

"You know I can't say no to you, love," he whispered.

He'd said enough though; I knew he wouldn't need to say no, because I wouldn't ask again.

A throat cleared behind us and I looked past Edward's shoulder to see Esme and Alice in the driveway. Edward tightened his grip on my waist so I wouldn't shift off his lap for the sake of his family.

"Bella, honey, we just thought we should let you know that we're taking a couple of meals over to your dad," Esme told me. "We didn't want to tell you, but thought you'd want to know that we were checking on him for you and he was being looked after."

I dropped my eyes from them, taking in their words. They could do something that I so desperately wanted to, but couldn't. Though, there wasn't anyone I would rather have looking out for my dad than Esme and Alice. I looked back up to them and said all that I could.

"Thank you."

-x-x-x-

Edward distracted me for a while by taking me back to our meadow. It was our escape over the past couple of days, and I was becoming deftly familiar with the ground we covered to reach it. He kept my busy mind occupied by sharing his stories of all the decades he had experienced and his delicate enthusiasm for being able to show me his favorite places in the world. I could tell that he was containing himself for my benefit out of sensitivity to my situation. Even so, I loved watching the passion conveyed in his eyes, but the best part was when he stopped his words to start kissing me. The friction from our cool bodies melted away any evidence of the crisp morning on the grass.

As we set off back to the house, my phone buzzed in my back pocket. I had kept it on me so the Cullens could always contact me as well as Edward. Unfortunately it meant that my past had contact with me as well. The phone number was new, so there was no way it could be traced to me. But Alice had connected my old email address to it. My mother had sent two email messages in the last couple of days. I'd tried to forget about it simply for the selfish fact that they broke my heart and I couldn't tempt myself with the aching desire to reply. They were of a similar tone to the email that had come through from Angela – _I know you won't get this, but_...

Not long after sunrise that morning I had received another one. Only this time, it was from Jacob. It had been plaguing me ever since. Now the message that sat unopened was heavy on my hip. I was reluctant to read it no matter who it was from. I needed to turn off the alerts. I contemplated whether it would be safer and easier for me to simply drop the phone as we ran, making sure it smashed enough to be unusable.

A deer off to our right hit my senses and broke through my contemplation.

"I'm going to grab that," Edward said softly in my ear when I came up level with him, his hand lingering behind my back. He sort of sounded like he might want to grab something else as well.

I nodded and watched as he darted off. I was hungry but the distraction was plaguing. He could tell there was something going on, but it seemed Edward also knew that I would speak up eventually. I really appreciated that our recent declaration of nothing but honesty had actually sunk in with him. He trusted me.

I pulled out my phone and was about to throw it when I found myself unlocking it instead. I thought of how my mother's most recent email had been so simple and sweet that it had actually eased me a little.

_renee_swan fmail . com_

_Just so you know, I'm with you baby girl._

_Mom x_

Jake's one from this morning sat above it in my inbox.

_jacobblack lapushschool . com_

_I know you won't get this, but I have to send it anyway. I came home yesterday. _

_I'm better, but I still have to stay in bed. It sucks cause I have too much time to think. _

The most recent alert said 'Jacob' with the small line of his text below it. I opened the message to read it properly.

_jacobblack lapushschool . com_

_I'm so sorry I couldn't save you, Bella. _

_I'll never forgive myself._

_Jake_

I felt like someone had just cut off one of my limbs. It became so much clearer that the asshole that attacked me had more of an effect on my life than just that day on the highway. The everlasting impact was devastating. What he had done hadn't been done just to me. Angela, my mom, my dad…Jake, all of them had been stabbed each time I had. What he took away from me was taken away from my friends and family, too.

I stared at the email guiltily before closing out of it and shoving the phone away.

Edward dropped his deer nearby and came over to me. His hand took mine as he pressed his lips to me softly. The taste of warm blood lingering in his mouth encouraged me to deepen the kiss, slipping my tongue across his as his lips parted.

"A penny for your thoughts," he said as we broke apart.

I shook my head just enough to tell him "not yet."

"I saved some for you," he said, nodding his head toward the deer behind him.

"I want to try and see Jacob," I announced. As soon as it was out, I felt like I may have just punched Edward in the gut. I was thankful his face didn't convey that, but I still felt a bit awful. We had a new understanding of our relationship, but this was the first time Jake had truly broken into it.

"Bella, I guess I understand, but like we were saying before…" he stumbled over his next words a little before finding them. "I promised the truth, I won't sugar-coat the fact that that's entirely impossible."

I knew it as well as he did, but I couldn't help but feel dejected. I knew it had nothing to do with who Jacob was to me, and the somewhat unfavorable image Edward had of him. This wasn't a Jacob thing, it was a vampire thing. Again.

"As much as Jacob has riled me in the past, he has done well by you, and he tried to protect you when I couldn't. You're my number one concern, but he's also been through a lot. I think this would only hurt him more."

I took a moment to think about what he was saying. The truth to Jacob was that I was dead.

"You're right, of course," I said, largely believing my words.

"Is this one of those moments where I should revel in my girl agreeing with me?"

His tone wasn't mocking; behind his words he was sweet and genuinely concerned.

"Only if we were human," I said, "you don't get those luxuries as a vampire."

His lightening of our sombre mood was contagious. I couldn't help the smile that spread on my face as he pulled me tightly into a hug, recognizing the pain I was feeling but cementing that he was with me through and through.

As we came through the back of the Cullen property, Edward's brow crinkled for a few seconds, his nose twitched a little and then his grip on my hand tightened. His quirks were becoming more transparent to me, and I knew he was picking up on something from his family. I stuck with him silently, trusting that he would let me know when I needed to.

Edward and Alice functioned as an early warning system to anything happening. We weren't back and sitting in the lounge with her and Jasper for more than ten minutes before the signals heightened once again. As soon as Alice's face turned blank and Edward's turned perplexed, I expected news. Alice's glaze cleared and she moved to the front door, a knock sounding on the solid wood just as her delicate hand grasped the handle.

"Victoria," Alice said softly.

-x-x-x-


	23. Heartbreak Warfare

A/N This is happy birthday to me – finally freaking updating! Lordy, it makes me so sad I've had to make you wait so long for an update, it's such a shame I can't churn the chapters out like I could when I first started. It's important to me that I complete this, so don't worry about that. I appreciate those of you who are still interested. Thank you to my lovelies HolletLA and elusivetwilight. I was hurrying on this one so it's only had one set of sparkly eyes cast over it. x

Song: 'I Gave You All' By Mumford & Sons 

**Heartbreak Warfare**

_Rip the earth in two with your mind  
Seal the urge which ensues with brass wires  
I never meant you any harm  
But your tears feel warm as they fall on my forearm_

I close my eyes for a while  
And force from the world a patient smile

How can you say that your truth is better than ours?  
Shoulder to shoulder, now brother, we carry no arms  
The blind man sleeps in the doorway, his home  
If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy I could have won  


-x-x-x-

When I became a vampire, I quickly realised that I was taking on a whole new world of rules, ways of life and realities. I couldn't have had a faster transition into vampiredom than I was getting. It truly did operate as some sort of underworld, only it covertly existed alongside the human world.

I wasn't entirely clear on why Edward and Alice had been so concerned at Victoria's unannounced arrival. She was like a small storm entering the house, waving and hugging and hello-ing. She singled me out and came at me as though we hadn't only recently seen each other.

"Bella," she chimed, wrapping me in a hug. "You're looking more content than when I last saw you."

"Hi Victoria," I responded, hugging her back.

With one arm still around me, she scowled a little at her old friend.

"Alice, don't furrow your brow like that, it might stay that way," she laughed once, then said, "Seriously, Alice. I come in peace."

"You might come in peace, but what chaos are you bringing with you," Edward muttered quietly.

Carlisle gave Edward a curious look before leading a movement further into the house. As we started to follow him, Victoria detached herself from me and Edward promptly took her place, tucking me under his arm.

"What's going on?" I mumbled discreetly into his side.

"I'm not sure exactly, but I guess we're about to find out."

Just before we joined everyone else in the living room, he stopped me. Looking down, he checked my expression then placed a firm kiss on my forehead.

"Don't tense up on me, Bella. I'll make sure you know everythingIknow, as soon as it's clearer."

I nodded that I knew what he meant; he wouldn't leave me in the dark. That was our rule now: complete disclosure.

As we sat down, Victoria had just started speaking. She had a captive audience, though I got the impression that how much time they gave to her would depend on what exactly it was that she had to share with them. I gathered that they felt Victoria's flightiness made her an unstable information source; though I wondered if maybe it was her flightiness which would be of use this time around.

"So, I went to Seattle after I left Bella to get up to a bit of mischief with my old friend, Riley. After two days there, I picked up on somethin' weird goin' on. Riley reckoned I was trying to create drama, but that boy wouldn't pick up on an emotion if you covered it in blood and fed it to him."

I was pretty sure that she wasn't making sense, but I couldn't help the small smile that curled on my lips at her enthusiastic delivery. That seemed to be Victoria: always straight up and a little quirky, no matter the subject.

"I only ran into a few nomad vampires, and they were crazy on edge, like they were watching their backs," she said. "Then, I saw Gianna."

There was a pregnant pause in the room. Now she truly had their attention. I sat there waiting for someone to enlighten me on the significance of the name. Jasper was the first to notice my puzzlement.

"Gianna is from the Italian coven, Bella. She's not Volturi - she's more trustworthy than that, but she knows more than most about their inner workings."

"Uh, Jazz, I don't think we've informed Bella about the Volturi yet," Edward told him, a look of realization crossing his face. He was right; I had no idea of the significance of these new names that were being mentioned.

"We'll get to that in a moment – sorry, Bella. I need Vic to finish her story," Alice prompted, clearly on edge.

"So, Gianna told me that the reason any vamps would seem on high alert is because there's rumours of a stir up amongst the Volturi. She said no one in Italy has a clue what's goin' on, but they think maybe they're trying to re-exert their influence somehow."

"Then she said 'I hear the Cullens are caught up in a murder scandal.'" Victoria shrugged, not sure if that point was significant. "I just thought I should let you know, things in the vampire world seem unstable."

She spoke at a million miles an hour, just dropping in the fact that news of a "murder" was circulating. It was on that word that Alice had frozen and her concentration shifted off Victoria and into her own headspace.

"Why would we not have heard about something going on with the Volturi?" Rosalie asked.

"I guess they haven't done anything to make people really take notice yet. It's all rumours at this stage. All the same, I don't like it," Victoria answered. Edward and I were both still watching Alice, but there was a slight shift in the room. Vic was taking this pretty seriously, which seemed to be a signal to the family.

"It's us. They're after us," Alice whispered.

Everyone stared at her, wondering how out of Victoria's story, she had managed to come to that conclusion.

"They're after Bella."

It felt as though a haze of black washed through the room, leaving a gloomy dread behind it.

"Alice," Edward almost groaned, as if what his sister had just concluded had physically pained him.

"What do you mean, Alice?" Esme asked, concern riddling her voice.

"It's all connected. I don't know how they've done it but, as you know, since before Bella's attack, I've felt blocked. I was getting glimpses at things, but I wasn't getting a decision maker or a decision. Apart from the Denalis, the Volturi are the only ones who really know my gift, and could find a way around it. That has to be why I couldn't get any answers," Alice deliberated.

"And these rumours are far too coincidental? Something suspicious with the Volturi at the same time Alice is having trouble with her visions," Carlisle surmised, both a question and a statement.

"But how does Bella fit into this? She was human when she was attacked. How would the Volturi know about her, let alone have any interest in her?" Emmett added.

No one answered Emmett. No one knew how to.

"All far too coincidental," Alice mused to herself.

-x-x-x-

Victoria insisted that she wouldn't stay, and wanted to head back to the Denalis'. Once the girls were brought up to speed on what she had learnt, she was certain they would be on call to help in any way they could, should we need them.

The rest of the family left the room to farewell Victoria and to process what we had just discovered. Carlisle had suggested they contact any vampire acquaintances who may have heard something about the Volturi or my attack.

Only Alice and Edward were left with me. Alice had moved closer and was twisting a piece of my hair around her fingers mindlessly, her thoughts elsewhere.

Edward had paced the carpet a few times before settling himself on an ottoman across the room. I watched as he leaned forward and rested his chin on his hands. He was gazing at the wall; the feel of me studying him brought his attention back to me.

"The Volturi are a family," he explained suddenly, his eyes still a little remote. "A very old, very powerful family of our kind. They are the closest thing our world has to a royal family, I suppose."

He paused as if to check how I was processing what he was saying.

"You don't irritate the Volturi," Edward went on. "Not unless you want to die – or whatever it is we do."

We sat there silently for a moment.

"We haven't done anything to irritate them," I stated, seeking reassurance.

"No…but…they make and break their own rules," he said regrettably. "Are you okay?"

I nodded. Aside from things becoming more complicated than I ever anticipated, at this stage we didn't have a direct threat against me. It was still only complicated visions and a tangle of rumours.

"There's more to being a vampire than I expected," I said calmly. "I don't know quite how you appeared so composed to me when I met you, with all that goes on in this world."

"I don't know quite how I convinced myself dragging you into this world would be okay," Edward responded solemnly.

"Don't even go there," I insisted, standing up hurriedly and moving across to where he sat. I crouched down in front of him and took his face carefully between my hands. "You must never, never think of anything like that again! We've been over this already; this is my decision now. You may have played a part, but it's my choice to accept it. I wouldn't have it any other way – no matter what the threat may be to me, I would much rather be with you this way than not here at all."

He closed his eyes and nodded.

"Look at me," I insisted.

His eyes opened, rich gold gazing back at me sadly.

"You have to own this too, Edward, or we won't be impenetrable to whatever might be coming."

"When did you get so smart?" he replied.

"I think that's a recent development," I smirked. "I don't remember ever being this logical."

He leaned forward and kissed my lips delicately.

"No regrets," I whispered.

"None," he conceded.

-x-x-x-

Jasper had joined Alice on the couch where she was using a sketch book to try to piece her visions together. The others were spread about the house researching and touching base with old acquaintances, casually dropping statements into the conversation which might gather any more insight to the rumours Victoria had shared.

Alice and Edward had decided to tell me that one of her recent visions included Jacob. It came after Jake had woken from his coma, but it wasn't a positive spin off. We could only assume from what Alice saw that the fact Jacob was alive and had seen my attacker's face was going to put him at risk. It also made us realise that poor Jacob may hold a vital piece of information that we could use. The identity of my attacker was something that could both help us, and harm him.

"A penny for your thoughts," Edward whispered, brushing the back of his fingers down my cheek."

I sucked in an unnecessary breath.

"I mentioned seeing Jacob, mostly in passing, but since hearing all of this…" I paused.

He knew what was coming; I could see it in Edward's eyes.

"Maybe I actually should see him," I finished quietly.

"What good is that going to do?" Edward asked. "Sorry, love, I don't mean it to be blunt, I just need to know what you're thinking it will achieve."

"He needs to know. I have an overwhelming instinct telling me that Jacob might be truly in danger from this in some way. And, out of anyone, I think he might be the one I can tell my story to safely."

"You mean you don't just want to see him, you want to reveal everything to him? So he'll know what you've become?"

"I want to try."

"Because of an instinct?" Edward asked.

I nodded. Edward looked doubtful. I didn't really know how to explain it to him.

"I think Bella's instincts might be something worthy of trust," Alice said quietly, gazing at me intently.

Edward didn't look impressed that his sister was partially agreeing.

"I don't think that the existence of vampires would be something totally unfathomable to Jacob. I heard a lot of his tribal stories when we were growing up. They definitely included vampire-like beings."

"I know one of the stories you're talking about."

He was thinking, plotting out all the risks in his head.

"Only if I come with you," he stated. It was progress, but it wasn't an ideal solution.

"It's something I should do alone, Edward. You can't use the reasoning that I can't protect myself anymore; Jacob might have a temper, but he's certainly not a threat to me. Especially given he's probably still bedridden most of the time."

"What about the fact that _you're_ a threat to _him_ now?" he asked.

His words threw me for a second, before I mustered a look that said "what do you think I am, unruly?"

"You may have exceptional control, but we haven't really pushed your boundaries very far yet."

He needed to get his head around this, so I stayed quiet.

"At least let me be nearby, just in case you need me," he tried.

"I don't think that's a good idea, Edward, given your… history with Jacob," I said carefully. "I think your idea of when I might need you to intervene might have a low threshold when it comes to Jacob."

He cringed a little, knowing he was going to struggle against my stubbornness. At the same time, I knew how he must feel. I needed him to feel comfortable about this. As important as it was to me to make sure Jacob was informed, and safe, Edward was more important. It was that simple to me now.

"I'm sure Jasper would come with me," I suggested, looking across to his siblings to Jasper who nodded in agreement. "He'd be most useful if Jacob needs calming..."

Edward drew me closer to him.

"I can't win over you anymore, I've created a persuasive monster," he whispered, moving to link his arms behind the small of my back.

"What can I say? Surprisingly, the power I had over you actually increased when you decided to change me. But, I'd say we're pretty evenly matched."

He brushed his nose against mine, and then closed the inch between our mouths. One brush of his tongue against my lower lip was all it took for me to invite him in, our lips mingling and taunting each other.

"Take Alice too," he mumbled into my mouth.

"Fine," I mumbled back.

"Get a room," Alice scolded.

We broke apart reluctantly.

"So, when do you want to do this, Bella?" Jasper questioned.

"Given that things could change with the Volturi at any time, I think we should get over there within the next day," Alice suggested.

I didn't want to appear hesitant to Edward, even though everything was happening faster than I initially expected.

"If you think that's best, Alice," I said.

"Okay, let me check in with the investigation and with…Charlie," she said his name apologetically. "I'll make sure there's nothing going on at the Blacks' that might prevent us from getting to Jacob. When we can get to him will depend on when there's no one around."

"I still don't like this idea. I don't want you getting hurt if he doesn't react the way you might want him to."

"I'm not going with any outcome in mind, Edward. I'm not expecting him to just understand this and welcome me with open arms."

"You may end up having to go through losing him all over again," Edward cautioned.

"I know," I sighed. "But if I don't take the chance…we don't know what the Volturi will do. If Alice is right and they do have something against us, then who knows what methods they could use to get to us. Jacob was there. He saw the guy who did this."

"I'm sorry for bringing you into all of this drama," Edward said.

I moved into his lap and took his face between my hands.

"I'm not sorry. I'll _never_ be sorry," I whispered.

-x-x-x-

Alice and I quickly came up with an approach to me seeing Jacob. If his dad was home, Alice would approach the house first. Billy would welcome her in with little question; he knew that Alice and I had been close friends, and it would be natural that she might want to check in on Jake given what had happened. Alice would gauge how Jake was coping with everything, and if things were okay, she could plant the suggestion that I could be alive. Then of course, she would have to convince him that no one but them can know. That would open it up for me to slip in via Jake's window if the timing was right. We were pretty sure that if I simply turned up out of the blue without warning, that Jacob would shed his skin in fright.

We decided on one thing to soften the blow: contacts. My eyes would freak him out for sure; even I found their blood red hue creepy when I caught a glimpse of myself in reflection. Alice, of course, had a stash of different toned lenses in her extensive makeup kit. They didn't need beauty products, but she said they came in handy all the same. She managed to find a tint that masked most of the red and was as close to my old shade of brown.

I left the Cullen's house feeling fairly calm and confident. Edward gave me a passionate kiss on the front porch, as if I might forget while I was gone that I had him to come home to. I returned it with just as much conviction, so he was assured that I would never forget. I was almost proud of him for letting me do this without him. Granted I had Alice and Jasper with me, but I still felt it showed how far we had come. So much was different now. The sense of dread or worry I had about the things that challenged or threatened me were kept in check by the sense of calm I now felt about who I was with Edward and his family. More than ever before, I felt I now had a purpose and, mostly, a place. That was not something I ever anticipated feeling when I was first learning of what they were and who I had become.

As we broached the boundary of the Black property, I sensed eyes looking for our approach and caught the scent of an animal on the breeze. I spotted Jacob's old dog just off the porch of the little red house, standing alert to us moving about the tree line. He bounded towards us, stopping just short when he recognised us. I sensed then that Taha knew. He sniffed toward me, not coming any closer. He was uncertain of my familiarity; he had seen me before, but now there was something quite different about me. I imagined that, given his scent was now associated with something different to me, the lack of blood coursing my veins probably made me smell different to him as well. The threat he sensed from my strangeness won out; he bared his teeth, emitting a low growl.

"Taha, good dog," I called softly. That was enough to ease his growl, so I continued in the way Jake had taught me when we were kids. "Taha, come."

I knew my voice sounded different, clearer, but it was good enough for Taha to realise I wasn't a threat to him or his family. He came in closer and I drew him against my legs to give him a good pat behind his ears like I knew he loved. I hoped he would follow Alice back to Billy so he didn't draw attention to my presence near the house.

After one final confirmation that this was what I wanted, Jasper and I watched as Alice moved out of the cover of the woods towards the Blacks' front porch. Taha ran back when Billy opened the door before Alice had even reached the steps. From across the distance, I heard him greet her with slight surprise.

"I'm actually grateful you're here. We've had so many visitors and offers of help and it's only after I've turned them down that I realise I could really use a trip to the store. Will you stay with Jake until I get back, Alice? Would that be okay?"

"Of course, Mr Black, that's no trouble at all."

"I appreciate that. Charlie told me how good you've been to him with everything that's going on. I don't want to burden you any more…"

"I'm here to see Jake anyway; you may as well use the opportunity. Its fine," she assured him.

"Okay, I won't be long, a little over an hour maybe."

We were lucky; it couldn't have played out much more in our favor. As Billy's car made its way out of the driveway, Jasper took my hand to lead us closer to the house. We moved to a spot where we were well covered, but where we could hear the conversation inside Jacob's small bedroom.

As I waited and listened out for Alice, my mind worked over the situation with Jacob. While I couldn't foresee whether there could still be a place for him with me now, I felt remorseful that I hadn't known what had happened to him. I had no idea if he was fully recovered from hospital, if he was okay. I had no idea if he was okay…without me. Jacob had already been through much more than he deserved for someone his age. I had to know for myself that he would be all right; with or without me as a part of his life.

Alice had been talking to him for about quarter of an hour when it seemed the conversation had gotten deeper. He was a little surprised to see her so soon after he had been home but definitely happy to see her. You could tell just from listening that it was bittersweet circumstances, for both of them. They'd made small talk about how he was doing and then she'd answered his questions about what had happened while he was in hospital. He knew the bigger details from Billy and Charlie, but Alice offered a new perspective for him. Jasper and I could sense that she was now coming to the point where she was going to attempt discussing me more directly. In the end, it was Jacob who cut to the chase.

"I think a lot of people have come to the decision that she can only be gone now," Jacob said very quietly.

"It's been quite a while with no new information, I guess," Alice conceded.

"There was so much blood, Alice," Jacob's voice cracked, his tone emphasising that his reasoning was not the length of time, it was the evidence he had seen firsthand.

It was so hard to listen to. The weight of his pain hit me hard in the gut. I could heal this hurt that he was revealing to Alice. I could heal it by no longer being dead to him. But he had already suffered so much. Of course, there was also the most confusing part – that the alternative truth to me being dead in the way he thought that I was, was in fact worse. The kind of dead that I was could be a far worse reality for him.

"It's still disappointing though – that they've given up," he said after a moment of silence. "My head keeps telling me that no one survives that, but some other part of me doesn't want to believe it. I don't know if it's just that normal instinct, not to believe it until you're told it's true, or if it's something else. In the hospital, I was just trying to muddle through the information everyone told me about the search and investigation, but since I've been home, I really have this feeling that she could still be alive."

I think Alice was a little taken aback, because she didn't say anything to fill his pause.

"Do you believe it, Alice? Do you think they're right? That she's really gone?"

"Jake.," she paused, "do you believe in fairy tales? Or mythical stories of any kind?"

"Not so much fairy tales, but my culture is built around mythical stories. I guess I have to have a sense of belief in that sort of thing to uphold my heritage."

"Me too, I guess," Alice said, almost to herself. I knew she was a little nervous because her foresight wouldn't work in this situation, because Jacob couldn't make a decision about something he didn't have any knowledge of. Once he knew about me, then she would have more chance of gauging his potential response if he made any choices.

Jacob made a small scoffing noise.

"Are you going to tell me you think she's a ghost or she's reincarnated or something?"

"Not quite that weird," Alice said, somewhat uncertain. Jasper and I looked at each other, both thinking that underneath her words, Alice definitely thought it would be way weirder to him than ghosts or reincarnation.

"You've always been a bit weird, Alice. I wouldn't put it past you."

"Do you believe in vampires?" Alice broached.

"Are you about to tell me a bedtime story?" Jacob snickered. It was a hollow sound of happiness though. There was no depth to it.

"No…not exactly…I just…I dunno," she babbled. "Um…"

Jacob saved her awkwardness by actually answering her question.

"I don't believe in them, because I've never seen any evidence of them myself; but our legends do mention vampires, or 'cold ones'. Some of the tribe has spoken of them when retelling our histories at gatherings. Billy has told me himself that he hasn't heard of any existence of them in the last hundred years at least, though."

"What do you know about them?" Alice asked.

"Just that there were small nomadic groups of them who caused trouble for my ancestors, but that this area around the Olympic Peninsula also had a history of being inhabited by a single group who didn't fit the stereotype of traditional cold ones. They didn't harm humans, and they came to a formal but amicable agreement not to harm my people in exchange for the right to stay in the area, helping to keep it safe."

"That's the same story I know. I believe it's pretty accurate," Alice agreed. She sounded relieved that Jacob had set the scene for her.

"It almost sounds possible, except there's no record of vampires in so long, that either something happened to them, or it's simply an urban legend. Alice, are you trying to distract me purposefully…"

At the end of his sentence I heard Jacob wince aloud, obviously in pain.

"Are you all right," Alice asked hurriedly.

"Yeah, I just get these _pains_," he grimaced again, "like, shooting headaches. Could you get me more of the painkillers on the dresser over there?"

"Of course," Alice responded.

We listened as she tipped up the pill bottle and picked a water glass up, and heard the rustling of Jacob as he must have sat up to swallow them down.

"Thanks," he said softly. "My poor Dad has been keeping me on a pretty good timetable with these things. I feel bad for him; it's hard for him, nearly losing me…losing," he stopped.

I noticed then that he had not once said my name. I looked down at the leaf-strewn ground below me. I hated the evidence of the hurt that was plaguing him, my mind instantly crowded with thoughts of Charlie and Renee and if they felt similar to Jake.

"I just miss her, Alice. It's only been days for me and I miss her already. I would go days without seeing her before all of this, but this feels so different. I guess it feels permanent."

"What if you didn't have to miss her?"

I imagined Jacob must have looked at Alice like she was stupid.

"Jacob, I want to tell you something. I can only tell you if you keep an open mind, stay calm, and promise that you won't tell anyone."

"You're starting to freak me out, Cullen."

Alice sighed, and then gave up on the prelude to the bomb she was gearing up to drop.

"Bella survived the attack, but she survived in a different way. She's not the same girl she was before."

He was quiet for only a moment.

"Alice, I'm happy if that works for you to cope with this, but I don't think I can convince myself of that."

"I'm not kidding Jacob."

Something in the change of tone in her voice silenced him.

"You can't tell anyone," she repeated. "My brothers found her on the road, as good as dead. Carlisle and Edward managed to get her heart beating again, but it wasn't enough. She wasn't going to survive with the injuries she'd sustained. They only had one other option."

"I don't understand," Jacob said, his voice barely a whisper.

"We're vampires, Jacob. We're the family from the mythology who made the deal with your ancestors not to harm humans in exchange for secrecy and living here."

I heard Jacob shift on his bed closer to the wall. I was frozen, waiting for him to tell her to leave. He was silent, so she kept talking, answering some of his million questions that were sealed in shock on the tip of his tongue.

"By injecting venom into Bella, it took hold of her blood and eventually shut down her heart. In that way, she's dead, but because of the venom, she's alive. It took a few days, but she woke up healthy and beautiful. There are a few differences I guess, which most people wouldn't notice, unless you know her as well as you did."

He still said nothing more.

"You need to know that we probably can't stay here much longer. Just because Bella is technically still alive, doesn't mean it can go any further than this. She can't be alive to anyone but you. She's too different, it's…dangerous for her and for the people she loves."

"Why are you telling me this?" his voice cracked, barely audible. "Why are you telling me that she's alive if, from the sounds of what your saying, you're going to ask me to pretend she's dead again when you leave."

"I'm sorry, Jake. I wish it didn't have to be that way."

He started rambling a little, seemingly talking to himself, though we could make out his words.

"I always thought your family was weird. There was something about Edward that was more than just a broody, mysterious high school kid." He flinched on Edward's name. "Billy said weird things about the Cullen family having an extensive history, but he was sure it was merely history and this generation was probably different. He said once to my uncle that you were good to Bella so he didn't have any need to question it. I wonder if he suspected this…"

His next words came through a little louder as he directed his thoughts to Alice again.

"This is just too fucking weird. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with this information."

"Nothing, don't do anything with it. Bella wanted you to know. She had her reasons why she needed you to know this, whether rightly or not. She thought you could handle it, and that you'd be better off. Can you handle this, Jake?"

"I just don't understand. Are you her messenger? She couldn't face me herself, and I'm supposed to understand you coming here and telling me the most bizarre story that has come out of my best friend being murdered?"

"I'm not the messenger, Jake. I'm the starter. We had to make sure this was safe for the two of you."

"I…" he trailed off.

I couldn't listen to anymore. I needed him to hear it from me, so I could reassure him. I could make it real. Make it real then take it all away again. I was starting to realise the full gravity of what I was doing and how potentially selfish I was being if this turned out to hurt Jacob instead of help him.

Jasper moved a little closer to the house, in sight of Jacob's bedroom window. It was close enough that he could exert enough influence over the mood if he needed to. He caught my hand as I passed him, giving it a little squeeze when I looked back to where he held me. I looked up to his eyes and he gave me a reassuring smile as I felt his calm wash over me.

I slipped through the window in the hallway next to Jacob's room. Steeling myself to what might come next, I gave a light knock as I pushed the door open slowly.

-x-x-x-


	24. True Colors

A/N Thank you to all the usual suspects. Love you gals tonnes, not to mention you lovelies reading this who make their work worth the effort. Would love to hear from you. Cheers xxx

Song: 'Father and Son' By Cat Stevens

**True Colors**

_I was once like you are now, and I know that it's not easy,  
To be calm when you've found something going on.  
But take your time, think a lot,  
Why, think of everything you've got.  
For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not._

-x-x-x-

…_I slipped through the window in the hallway next to Jacob's room. Steeling myself for what might come next, I gave a light knock as I pushed the door open slowly…_

Alice was standing between me and Jacob in his small bedroom, ready to intervene if she needed to. For a moment, I prayed that she and Jasper would be strong enough to withhold me. I knew as soon as I was inside the room that I would be okay. Jacob didn't smell at all like a meal. In fact, he smelled a little off. We would be safe.

"What the…" Jacob exclaimed, taking a second to process that I was standing there. He shifted back a bit towards the wall then rubbed his head like his brain was aching.

"Hi, Jake," I said cautiously, trying to tone down my new silken voice. It didn't work; it still seemed smooth and alluring.

"Alice, what the hell is going on here?" He turned to look at her. "What did you _do_?"

His brown skin was almost as white as his sheets. I glanced out the window hoping Jasper was going to help him, worried he might actually go into shock.

"I didn't do anything, Jacob. It's her; what I just told you, _this_ is the best evidence I can give you."

"It's okay, Jake. I know it's weird, but I'm okay," I reassured him.

"You look different," he whispered.

"I was worried you'd say that," I responded, looking down at my taut new form.

"It's really you?"

"I promise you, Jake. It's really me. I'm still Bella somewhere in here, like Alice said." I took one tentative step closer to him.

"Can you…I don't know. Just, tell me more about this. I don't understand."

"It's not as bad as it might sound. I…I'm glad that I got another chance. That man almost won, Jacob. I was dead. The Cullens gave me another chance."

"But now _you're_ the killer, Bella," Jacob said, his expression showing his regret at his choice of words. They cut me: the things that I knew made me different now being rubbed into my wounds.

"It's not like that, Jacob. They – I mean, we – we don't harm anyone. Some vampires do, but others, like the Cullens, only drink animal blood, and they're careful about where and when."

I looked at Jacob's face, his innocent eyes that had seen too much recently, and thought about what I had just said.

"I'm not sure if that makes it any better," I added. I had heard him talking about his tribe's legends, but I didn't think a vampire was any better even if they weren't a murderer, especially when that vampire used to be your best friend.

"What about your family?" he asked.

"At this stage, I have to be comfortable in knowing that I have a new family." Jacob's eyebrows dipped, conveying his disapproval of that idea. "Time will pass and things will change for Charlie and Renee, too. I'll still be here long after they are gone."

"I don't understand," he said, sounding a little agitated now.

"I won't see them again," I gulped. "And I can't die again, Jake. Not easily. I'll be like this for hundreds of years. More, I suppose. So everyone I know will die, while I'll still be just like this."

He was quiet. I looked to Alice and decided to let things lie for a minute. I knew how shocked I had been when the Cullens had tried to explain to me what I was. Hell, I had tried to run away from it. Jacob wouldn't have that luxury.

He adjusted on his bed a little, carefully shifting up higher on his pillows. His expression had softened, and he wasn't looking Alice or me in the face at all. I didn't know if it was a regular sense or a vampire one that felt his emotion and the tears that were building.

"Are you leaving Forks? Alice said you couldn't stay," he asked, his voice cracking a touch, still not looking at me.

I didn't think I'd be able to handle it if he cried. There had been too many tears shed because of me already.

"We don't know yet. It's all happened kind of fast. I guess if I'm being honest with myself…with you…then yeah, we're going to have to leave."

"Is this what you want for yourself, Bella? To live like this?"

"I don't have a choice, Jacob," I replied.

"That's it? You're just dead or changed or whatever, and you can't choose anything anymore? There's no going back." His fierce eyes gleamed at me, a tear about to slip over on one side.

"Would you rather I be dead and gone than live like this?" I snapped, wishing instantly that I hadn't. I didn't have a right to get angry at his confusion, and I didn't want to know his answer.

He looked away from me, glaring at a spot on the floor.

"I didn't have a choice at the time, and I know how that may seem to you – that I was forced into this by my lack of consent. I had a choice afterwards though, and although there is so much heartache attached, I couldn't have it any other way. I want to make a life from this second chance I was given, Jacob. I don't know how I can make you understand that this can still be a life for me. Just a different one."

"Billy's almost back, you should think about getting going, Bella," Alice warned, moving closer and resting a hand on my shoulder. I groaned in my mind, thinking only that it hadn't been long enough to settle his mind, to leave knowing we were somewhat okay.

"Will you be back?" Jacob said in a slight panic.

"It's too risky, Jacob," I said, noticing his phone on his bedside. I picked it up and started typing in his contacts. "But I'll give you a number to reach me on if you have to. I'll put it under my initials but…be careful using it," I cautioned. I knew it was a risk – one I had to take when I hadn't been able to spend enough time with him.

I crouched down next to him, the closest I had been to Jacob in the room. Steadying my mind to slow down, I took absolute care to slow my movements and reach my hand out, placing it over his. He flinched a little then tried to hide it. He didn't want to offend me.

He was so warm, a cold reminder of what I was about to walk away from. My sun.

"Jake, I need you to be careful with how you use that number, but _please_, if anything weird happens, if you're in trouble at all, I want you to call me immediately."

He looked at me sceptically. He still wanted to be the tough guy, the one who should be doing the protecting. His strength was betrayed by the tear that finally swelled over and dripped onto his cheek. I saw the splash it made as it spread on his skin, the tiny sound audible as his heart beat a little faster and his throat tightened.

"Please, Jacob. I know I don't have the right to ask any more of you than you've already given me, but I need you to be careful. I don't want whoever hurt us to do any more damage to you than he's already done."

"I doubt he'll come back for a second attempt, Bells."

"_Jacob_," I pleaded for him to reason with me.

"_Okay_," he nodded, acquiescing.

"Thank you." I squeezed his hand as I stood up. I wanted to kiss his forehead, but something told me the gesture would do more harm than good. I had to keep my distance. I couldn't let him get attached to me again when I knew I was going to have to leave him for good very soon.

_I_ couldn't be attached to him.

"I want to thank you for what you did for me that day. I know you feel guilty, but you shouldn't, not at all. If you hadn't showed up and caused trouble for him…well, who knows what would have happened to me."

I took one of those deep unnecessary breaths, in part for me and in part for Jacob to see some normality in me.

"Please, _please_ know that I will always love you, Jacob," I said, quieter now. "You'll always be my sun, no matter where I am. I want you to be happy. Live an amazing life and marry someone who loves you more than I do, who will never hurt you the way I have."

I couldn't look him in the eye anymore. I felt like such a coward, dropping this on him and walking away. I had to trust my instinct that he would be safer and better off because of it. I slipped my hand out of his, watching the warmth flush back into it.

"Bella!" he called, as I pulled the door open wider. I turned to look at him one last time. "You've never hurt me…"

He looked like he wanted to say more, but what he had said was enough.

The old Bella wanted to run back to him and throw her arms around his neck, basking in his warmth. The new Bella had to turn to the door and walk away.

After I climbed back through the window, Jasper took my hand and wordlessly walked with me away from the house. Alice caught up to us about a mile out from the Black property. There was a sense of sadness and pity in the way they looked at me.

"You did well, darlin'," he said, rubbing my arm. "He'll be okay; he seemed to take it fairly well. He was pretty calm."

"I think he thought he was still unconscious and would wake up soon," I said, totally unconvinced.

"Seriously, Bells, he loves you enough to accept you in any way," Alice admitted.

"That's exactly the idea that makes me think he'll wake up tomorrow and freak out," I said.

So many things were going through my mind, problems that I had mildly considered before we had just dropped all of this on Jacob.

"What if he tells someone he saw me? He'll get taken to the psych ward before they would actually check if he was telling the truth."

"He showed no intentions of telling anyone, Bella," Alice told me.

"I can't believe I just gave him this huge secret to keep. It could totally destroy his spirit, being burdened with that. He could go off the rails. There's some bad blood around Forks he could end up involved with…why didn't I consider all of this before I told him?"

"Bella," Jasper grabbed me by the shoulders, looking me square in the eye. "What if your telling him lifts his spirit from the hell it was in, because his best friend being murdered was the worst thing that he could ever have possible fathomed happening in his life? I promise you, he was relieved."

A small part of me wanted to freak out further, that I shouldn't have done that to Jacob, but this calm, reasoned vampire-mind part overwhelmed it.

"Let's get back," Jasper said, placing a hand on the small of my back.

Alice had zoned out. I looked across from where we had just come and couldn't move away yet, the small house holding me captive.

A sensation I mistook for guilt and sadness ached throughout my body, the first feeling akin to pain that I had felt since I had changed. Something wanted to escape from me, as if I had seams that would burst and I would radiate. I gripped my hands into fists, trying to contain myself, but only making it worse.

"Bella?" Jasper asked. I didn't look at either of them, completely overcome by myself.

"She's…Jasper, she's got a…_talent_," Alice said, mystified. "I don't know what it is, but I just had a vision of Bella with all of us in darkness.

I didn't hear if Alice said anything else. My gut told me to move slightly closer to Jacob's house. I was out of sight of Billy coming along the driveway. Crouching down, I touched my fingertips to the ground outside the property. Closing my eyes, the emotions rife within me, I urged whatever was stirring me up to disappear. I just wanted to protect them. I just wanted to protect Jacob.

_Protect him_.

A flash of wind radiated away from my fingertips in both directions, rumbling silently through the leaves and grass. Short bursts of flicking leaves shot into the air in its wake, until the house had been circled and everything settled again as if nothing had happened. I opened my eyes as Billy's truck door slammed. I stood cautiously, feeling a little wobbly for just a second. Billy stopped on the path, looking to where my strange path had just blazed nearby him. There was nothing to see, but he still sensed it. Whatever 'it' was.

As Billy moved, my eyes popped when I saw a soft grey haze radiate from the ground inches away from him. He passed through it, only a small shiver giving a hint that it had affected him at all. I backed away a few steps before turning to rejoin Jasper and Alice. Their expressions were simultaneously stunned and confused, though the sparkle of possibility could not be missed in either of their eyes.

"Let's go home," I said softly.

They looked between one another, perhaps deciding this was a conversation we could have later. Alice wasn't ready, though.

"Just give me a second," she said, glancing back to the house.

Jasper and I watched as she retraced my steps and crouched down where I had. She stayed not more than thirty seconds, before shaking her head from side-to-side, as if in disbelief. Alice returned to us with a loaded expression, but stayed quiet. We took off at a jog, quietly dodging tree roots and skipping up the changes in terrain.

The sensation of Edward's presence filled me with immense relief as we leapt the fence to the Cullen property. He was waiting for me when we came up to the house.

"Are you okay, my love?"

"I guess so. I feel…mixed up. Half guilty, half relieved."

"How'd he take it?"

"It was weird," I answered, taking his outstretched hands in my own. "It was like it was totally unfathomable for him, but at the same time, because it was me, he just accepted it."

"His loyalty to you is pretty unwavering," Edward responded, almost regrettably.

I released his hands and hugged him, craving that contact on seeing him again.

"I guess it's partially that. He said that the Quileute tribe had a lot of spiritual and mythical history, so it wasn't all that hard for him to imagine another world."

"As simple as that?"

"It may have been influenced by his pain meds." I deadpanned.

"Maybe; I guess the idea that you could still be here in another form was more appealing than the idea that you were gone for good. That's loyalty," he said. "Or love," he added very quietly.

"Either way, it's probably those emotions that I need for him to cope with this secret. If he accepts me as a vampire, it doesn't change anything for you and me," I reminded him.

He was quiet for a moment.

"I count myself lucky every day that you chose me," he said, cupping my face in his hands. "You could have had a normal life with Jacob."

"Edward, it was never a choice between you and Jacob. It was a choice between who I should be and who I am. I've always felt out of step, literally stumbling through my life. I never felt normal. I've had to face death and loss and pain in your world, but I've also never felt stronger, because it's my world, too. It's where I belong."

He looked like he had something he wanted to say, but he closed his lips together and drew me into the tightest embrace.

-x-x-x-

When we went back inside, his family was sitting in the lounge room.

"Will I always return home to this sort of communal welcome? This seems to be becoming a trend."

"Don't worry, you won't be all shiny and new for long; we'll tire of your novelty soon," Emmett said, putting on a disinterested face.

"Whatever, Emmett, we've all heard you getting all excited about how cool it is that you can be yourself around Bella now. It'll take a good hundred years before this new toy gets dull to you," Edward retorted.

"Don't flatter her too much; she'll get all big for her wonder-vampire-woman boots," Emmett scolded cheekily, clearly thinking he was hilarious.

Rose put a stop to his self-indulgence with a wallop across the back of the head.

"Ouch, Rosie!" he whined, still grinning while pretending to be hurt.

"So, _anyway_, we had an interesting time out at La Push," Alice said, getting everyone's attention.

"Gosh, Bella, excuse these kids of mine," Esme said, looking pointedly at Emmett. "Are you okay, dear? How did Jacob take things?"

"Ah, as well as could be expected, I guess. He didn't freak out too much. He was in too much shock, I think. Who knows how he'll feel when it really sinks in."

"Well, you've probably done the right thing there, if you think he might need to watch his back."

"Mm, who really knows at this point?" I sighed.

"Something hopeful came out of our excursion, though," Alice announced.

I looked at her questionably. I had no idea what could be hopeful from that.

"It seems Bella has a talent," she stated, matter of factly.

Seven jaws dropped and seven sets of eyes fixed on me. Clearly this was important information to them. I, on the other hand, wasn't too sure what to make of it as yet.

"Bella…" Edward squeezed on my hand. I wasn't sure if his voice was sympathetic or enamoured. No doubt he could see whatever it was Alice was seeing in her mind.

"What makes you say that, Alice?" Carlisle queried, looking between us.

"When we were leaving Jacob's, something came over Bella – like a calm focus, and she went back to the house. I don't know what it was yet, but she touched the ground and a weird flash circled the property, and then settled. Jasper and I could see it, there was a haze which flew up amongst all the leaves, but Billy was nearby, and I think all he saw was a random gust of wind. He got a chill when he walked across its route though. It was like she created a barrier around the house."

"And there was also your vision." Jasper prompted Alice.

"Yeah, just before Bella zoned out, I had a vision of all of us in a dark field, with Bella using some sort of talent, but I didn't really get anything on what it was."

"Wow, okay. Well, I suggest perhaps I contact my old friend Eleazar and see if he can shed any light on what this might be," Carlisle suggested.

I just sat there quietly, a little flabbergasted. I'd obviously heard the word "talent" mentioned, with Edward's mind reading and Alice's visions. But me? I was a normal teenaged girl who ended up in an abnormal relationship, and was now a newborn vamp. How could I have anything special about me?

"I guess it would fit with the way that she's taken to being a vampire – her control and mind are already so unique…this is just another level," Jasper considered.

"Mm…" Carlisle considered.

"Do you think someone should watch over Jacob's house for a couple of days? See that there's no hint that anything happened, or if it gives us any clues as to what she is capable of?" Edward asked.

"'She' is here, and I'm sure it was nothing. I really don't think I'm capable of anything special," I piped up.

Edward gathered my attention, stroking my cheek.

"I beg to differ," he said softly, "and so do Alice's visions. You might bet against me, but I don't bet against Alice, love."

"You guys are so fluffy," Emmett jibed from across the room.

"Whatever, Em," I retorted, still looking at Edward. "We've all seen you making goo-goo eyes at Rose."

"Touché, Bella," Rose agreed.

"Back to your suggestion, Edward," Carlisle interrupted. "I think perhaps initially that might be an idea. Unless Eleazar can give me an easy answer straight away, more information would be good."

"Rose and I could take first watch," Emmett offered, finally being useful. He tuned out once everyone had agreed, flicking on the TV.

"Right, before we get on with the talent situation, let's just have a little more thought about our other concerns," Carlisle said. He reminded me of a group mediator, prompting and guiding us to sort things out. I wondered if vampire life would always require so many family meetings, or if it was just a temporary consequence of all the complications that came with Vampire Bella.

When I tuned more of my attention back to his words, Carlisle was saying how it was hard to know how much emphasis to put into the past and all this weird stuff that might tie my situation to the Volturi, or if our focus should just be making plans for dissolving the connection to my human life. Just thinking about those words made my cold skin drop another few degrees.

"So we know that Alice hasn't been able to get clear visions to help us with working out who is responsible for Bella's attack," he went on, "Bella, I know this is difficult and it must feel like you've been asked a dozen times, but was there anything about your murderer that might be of consequence? Any description you could give us?"

I looked to Emmett who was gazing at the television screen, obviously tired of all the serious conversation he had been subjected to lately. I was kind of tiring of it, too, if I was honest. I was definitely still absorbed with worry; I was just beginning to feel frustrated that I couldn't simple be absorbed with Edward instead. I thought it would be easier moving on from my old life, if I wasn't constantly bombarded with reminders of how I got here.

"I don't think it's the best time for MTV, you oaf," Rosalie whispered to Emmett.

I slouched down into the couch where I sat next to Edward, while the others sat there aware that I wasn't responding to Carlisle. Edward squeezed my hand as I took Emmett's lead and just zoned out for a minute, partially thinking about the television and partially trying to silently formulate any sort of answer for Carlisle. An advertisement for Ben & Jerry's came on, showing kids in an ice cream parlour, taking an annoyingly long time to pick their favorite flavor.

"Maybe I'll just go call Eleazar now, and we can discuss this later," Carlisle suggested in the background, probably feeling a little bad that he'd put pressure on me.

Emmett sighed and flicked the channel, but something had clicked into place for me, a trigger setting off a fire of memory. I could see the image in my mind. I processed it for a second, the human experience from only months ago now hazy.

"It was the same guy," I said, mostly to myself.

"Who was the same guy, darlin'?" Jasper questioned.

"His face, it gave me the heebie-jeebies. He was in the diner when we had ice cream that day." I looked to Edward, seeing if it registered with him, too. "He knew who I was. He _knew_ who I was," I asserted nonsensically.

"The guy who attacked you knew you?" Edward asked, more concerned now.

"Yes. I remember panicking when he said my name – when he was talking to me by the truck. I knew I was in pretty serious trouble when he said it, like it was the first confirmation that he truly did have some sort of agenda. It just chilled me instantly. I have no idea how well he knew who I was, or quite how planned it had been, but he certainly knew my name."

"And we know he wasn't a vampire," Alice stated.

"There's no way. If he was, he would have destroyed Bella in seconds; the asshole was way too messy," Emmett concluded.

"So why on earth would some average human target Bella, of all people?" Rosalie asked.

"Perhaps we're underestimating, thinking too otherworldly. Her father is Chief of Police, who knows who could have a vendetta against him," Carlisle said.

All their thoughts flying at me were giving me a headache. A vendetta against my dad? No way.

"It doesn't fit with Alice's visions," Edward said.

"There were definite vampire links in my visions; there was just something preventing me from connecting faces and decision makers," Alice agreed.

"This guy could have been why you couldn't work it out – I mean, none of us seemed to know him, maybe the decision making was done by someone other than the guy who attacked Bella; that would have made it harder for Alice to see," Edward deliberated.

"So we think that they knew Alice would see something coming, so they mixed up who was making the decisions and who was taking action?" Jasper, this time. The voices were nearly overlapping it was all coming out so fast. I wondered if vampires could faint - I needed time out.

"Someone sent him to kill her; he didn't decide it, that's why we never saw it coming."

I focused my line of sight on Alice in an attempt to settle my restless mind. I watched as her answer fell from her cherry lips.

"The Volturi."

-x-x-x-


	25. War Of My Life

**A/N **Hello?! Is anyone still out there? So, I am finally in a position to write again, and this puppy needs the "complete" sign on it! You'll all be cursing me for having to go back and read the whole thing all over again because you can't remember what happened. Apologies, and sincere thanks to those who resume and review.

I am blessed to be able to call HollettLA my beta. Thank you, Lisa xx

Song: 'Be Still' by The Fray

**War Of My Life**

_If terror falls upon your bed,_

_And sleep no longer comes,_

_Remember all the words I've said_

_Be still, be still and know_

…_If you forget the way to go_

_And lose where you came from,_

_If no one is standing beside you,_

_Be still and know I am_

-x-x-x-

_"It was the same guy," I said, mostly to myself._

_"Who was the same guy, darlin'?" Jasper questioned._

_"His face, it gave me the heebie-jeebies. He was in the diner when we had ice cream that day." I looked to Edward, seeing if it registered with him, too. "He knew who I was. He knew who I was," I asserted nonsensically._

_"The guy who attacked you knew you?" Edward asked, more concerned now._

_"Yes. I remember panicking when he said my name – when he was talking to me by my truck. I knew I was in pretty serious trouble when he said it, like it was the first confirmation that he truly did have some sort of agenda. It just chilled me instantly. I have no idea how well he knew who I was, or quite how planned it had been, but he certainly knew my name."_

_"And we know he wasn't a vampire," Alice stated._

_"There's no way. If he was, he would have destroyed Bella in seconds; the asshole was way too messy," Emmett summarized._

_"So why on earth would some average human target Bella, of all people?" Rosalie asked._

_"Perhaps we're underestimating, thinking too otherworldly. Her father is chief of police. Who knows who could have a vendetta against him," Carlisle said._

_All their thoughts flying at me were giving me a headache. A vendetta against my dad? No way._

_"It doesn't fit with Alice's visions," Edward said._

_"There were definite vampire links in my visions; there was just something preventing me from connecting faces and decision-makers," Alice agreed._

_"This guy could have been why you couldn't work it out – I mean, none of us seemed to know him. Maybe the decision making was done by someone other than the guy who attacked Bella; that would have made it harder for Alice to see." Edward deliberated._

_"So we think that they knew Alice would see something coming, so they mixed up who was making the decisions and who was taking action?" Jasper, this time. The voices were nearly overlapping, it was all coming out so fast. I wondered if vampires could faint - I needed a time-out._

_"Someone sent him to kill her. He didn't decide it; that's why we never saw it coming."_

_I focused my line of sight on Alice in an attempt to settle my restless mind. I watched as her answer fell from her cherry lips._

_"The Volturi."_

Carlisle spoke to Eleazar shortly after Em and Rose left for their watch at Jacob's. The way they were all approaching this situation and how they had handled everything to do with me becoming one of them said a lot about the Cullens. It would be easy for any one of them to tell Edward that I wasn't their problem, yet here they were looking for information and protecting the house of someone they hardly knew.

As we had suspected, Eleazar thought it likely that I had some form of a defensive talent, and the evidence suggested I was a "shield". We had very little to go off; it wasn't as specific or easy to describe as Edward's mind-reading or Alice's visions. He had still apologized profusely for not being able to shed any more light on it. Eleazar was considered well-versed in vampire skill and special talents, yet he indicated that these things were always highly specific to the individual. Knowledge of my abilities would only come from testing them out, unfortunately. There was no instruction manual.

Now that we knew of what I could do, the fact that Edward couldn't read my mind started to make more sense. Eleazar was particularly fascinated that my mind was silent to him even as a human, suggesting that would indicate a rather powerful latent talent if it was manifesting so clearly even before the transformation. He kindly offered to come out for a visit to meet me if we decided some more help would be useful.

I was confused and a little confused at having a "defensive" rather than offensive or more neutral talent. Carlisle thought the classifications were fairly loose; what Alice could do worked both offensively and defensively. I knew from discussions that it was often an exaggeration of an element within you as a human.

When Esme approached me to check how I was dealing with all of the new information, she managed to ease my mind on the talent perplexities – as was her skill.

"It's not necessarily-personality based, Bella. It's not as if you had walls around you as a human. You were always open to love and friendship, and that meant you were also open to getting hurt. It's not so simple as saying that you had a defensive personality, not at all." She brushed a piece of hair from my face, her motherly warmth surrounding me. "To me, this will be an extension of your strong will to look out for and guard those you love. All of you can use your talents in a way that looks out for your family and your mate. If Eleazar is right, then it has the potential to be a great gift," she said.

As Esme, Edward, and I returned to the living room, we walked into a conversation between Carlisle, Jasper, and Alice.

"Given that we don't know the motives in all of this, I think it only prudent that we should get in some fight training. I don't think it would be a bad idea if Bella learned some of the fundamentals anyway. Obviously strength won't be an issue for her at this point, but knowledge will only boost that," Carlisle was saying.

"No matter what this comes to, Bella won't be fighting," Edward announced.

"Edward…" I started.

"Edward," Jasper cut in. "You know that's not what you believe. You're well aware that she's capable of this now. Hell, she's probably more capable than you." He finished with a gentle smile, lightening the true implication of his words.

"You know he's right, Edward," I said calmly, squeezing his arm that was looped around mine. "You know that we're a team now. I'm not some trophy wife who will stay at home while you go out and fight for us."

He couldn't help but smile. Jasper was right – what he had said wasn't what Edward believed. He was so accustomed to having to protect me; he needed to adjust to the idea of my being the queen on the chessboard now. I had the power to defend and defeat, and he knew it.

It was then that I caught sight of Alice as she all but disappeared from consciousness. I was becoming fairly used to it happening, though it always brought on a touch of anxiety as to what news was coming to us. Her eyes were glazed, and it looked as though she was struggling to put pieces together in her mind.

"The detectives are on their way here," she said suddenly, her presence returning.

"Charlie?" I whispered.

"No, no Charlie, Bella," Alice responded.

"I have to take Bella away from here," Edward said quickly.

"I'll go," Esme said. "It'll look less suspicious."

"No, you all stay here. I'll be perfectly safe by myself."

"Use the bunker," Carlisle jumped in. "Esme, show her how to get in – it's under the garage, Bella. It's wired so you'll be able to hear our discussion up here as well."

Of course they had a bunker; though I couldn't figure out in what scenario a vampire would actually need to retreat to one.

"It was already in the house when Carlisle bought it," Edward answered the question that was obviously on my face.

Rose laughed a little. "I'm sure she'd be undetected if she just went upstairs."

"It's fine, downstairs is good. We don't know what they're here for," I said.

"Edward, a regular teenage boy would be lying on his bed wallowing or something…Scram," Alice instructed.

Esme lead me to the garage and swiped her fingers over a keypad, revealing a doorway disguised in the wall.

"I'm sure it won't be long, honey. No doubt you'll be able to hear us anyway, but there's an intercom if you want full sound. We've never needed to use it, but the walls of that thing are pretty thick, even by our standards."

I caught the sound of unfamiliar voices in the house as she retreated up the stairs. I turned the intercom on and tried to make myself comfortable on the large couch which was positioned against one wall. It was fairly well-equipped in there, but you could tell there wasn't really any intention for it to need to be comfortable for any period of time. There wouldn't be anything the Cullens needed to hide from. Except of course when they were smuggling a vampire who was supposed to be a (dead) human girl.

"Edward isn't doing so well, as you can probably understand. None of us are." Carlisle's voice.

"I'm sorry that we once again have no news to make this any easier."

A different detective spoke next; I got the impression there were two of them.

"As you know, the summary of our evidence is that this was definitely not a local. Most of it points towards it being a random attack, and that the guy took his chance purely off the back of the horrible luck that Bella's truck had broken down as he passed."

"But what did he get out of it? It wasn't theft, it wasn't…sexual." You could hear the cringe in Alice's voice at the suggestion.

"As much as we don't like to think it, some people are simply 'bad'. He may have killed before and, shudder to think, he may kill again. For some, it's not for any other purpose than the act itself."

He cleared his throat and heard him shuffle in his seat. My vampire hearing still fascinated me in the way it could differentiate between the smallest subtleties in sound. Even human versus vampire was obvious, and the intercom wasn't really necessary.

"I have to admit, we've never really come across a case in our district as seemingly random as this one. And to have no body, no sightings…I don't need to tell you how challenging it's been."

"You have no news at all then, I take it?" Carlisle asked.

"Unfortunately, the only progress we've made since we last spoke was that we found a car that would have matched descriptions of one seen in the area that evening."

"Would have?" Jasper this time.

"It was torched, there wasn't much left of it."

"So what now?" Esme asked with a regretful sigh.

There was this pregnant pause, a telling sign that the detective had in fact come to deliver news he didn't think they would like.

"We've just told Charlie and Renee that the investigative team is being...reduced. We'll be going back to our respective stations and seeing what more develops from there."

"You mean you're giving up," Edward said, his voice vacant, as if he didn't know differently.

"Not giving up, no. There's just not any more evidence in the area to justify our being here. We won't give up."

As the detectives took turns at filling the silence, I realized how much worse this would have been when they were telling people who didn't know any differently to what they were saying. The Cullens' mock disappointment and grief was poignant enough, I couldn't bear to think…

"Please accept our sincerest condolences and our regret that we haven't been able to bring…to bring closure yet."

"Yet" was an afterthought, they all knew it. I imagined the regret on the detective's face that he hadn't been more collected in his delivery. I hoped he'd done a better job of reassuring my parents. Though…did I want them to keep hanging on to false hope? Maybe it was time for someone to man up and declare me "Missing, Presumed Dead' rather than simply "Missing".

"Thank you for coming to us directly, detectives. Safe travels back to Seattle," Carlisle said.

I heard shuffling that indicated they were standing to leave. All the discussion had done was let me know that my parents had suffered another blow. Reducing the team basically meant I was in the process of becoming a cold case. While that may be helpful in minimizing the investigative eyes around Forks and unexpected visitors to the house, it did nothing for Charlie and Renee.

"Bella?"

Edward's soft voice came from behind me.

I turned toward him and moved into the familiar solace of his arms. It was a remarkable comfort that no matter what happened or where my mind took me, I would always have this to come back to.

"Carlisle's anxious to get in some training, baby. Are you okay to come now?" he spoke into my hair.

"Yeah, it's fine. I'll be fine." I pressed myself harder against him, reassuring myself as much as I was trying to reassure him.

"I'm sorry we have to do this now. We just don't think we have much time left."

I had to pull myself together. I couldn't be wallowing in my past when my future was being threatened.

I pulled back from Edward's hold to look him in the eyes.

"I love you, Edward. I can do this."

His hands shifted from my waist to the sides of my face. The feel of his fingers forking into my hair felt as good now as it had when I was human. He answered my words with his lips on mine, breaking them apart with a slip of his tongue. The kiss was short but tempting. I couldn't hide the fact that I was looking forward to the time when the threat to us had passed and I could really be with Edward.

As I lead him up the stairs, I could feel his eyes on my behind, and a quick turn of my head confirmed it.

"What?" He smirked. "I can't turn off my attraction to you, Bella. Even when there's a threat of danger."

I soaked up his smile and enjoyed that he had allowed himself that moment. He was capable of enough self-regressing worry for the two of us, and it gave me hope that my being more his equal would allow him to take some of the pressure off.

Carlisle and Jasper were already squaring off when we got to the land at the back of

the house.

"Bella, you're just in time to watch me demonstrate how to use your mind as well as your strength. Most vampires are careless in their tactics. They'll go for brute force or an easy kill." Jasper spoke as he circled Carlisle then somersaulted away from a lunge at him. "The easy kill being the neck, as my father so considerately just demonstrated." He laughed, as Carlisle stopped and shook his head.

"Basically, to kill a vampire you need to behead them, Bella, and break apart the body. Then set it alight to be certain," Carlisle explained. There wasn't really a more delicate way to explain the reality.

The thought of it kindled a feeling like nausea in my throat. I hated the idea that it might come to this. That we could have to physically fight to put an end to whatever threat we were facing. My influence in their lives could result in the Cullens going against their morals and how they had lived for so many years.

"Something's not right," Alice muttered. Moments later Emmett broke through the tree line, Rosalie following closely behind him.

"It's a shield," Emmett called enthusiastically, his excitement not matching Alice's trepidation.

"A shield? You're certain?" Carlisle asked.

"Yup, certain. So she's a shield herself _and _it's a shield she left behind. Freaky, right? Oh yeah: that's the not so good part – we're certain because a guy tried to get up to Jacob's house and couldn't. When he got to where Bella's thing must have passed around the house, he stopped."

"You're so well spoken, Emmett," Rose cut in. "What he should be telling you is that it was one of Aro's guard snooping around Jacob's place. He obviously didn't get in, but it doesn't look good."

"Alice?" I asked, turning everyone's attention back on her. She almost looked nervous and I didn't like it.

"We're out of time," she answered. Those words held most of what we needed to know. "Rose is right, there's a human and one of Aro's guard near the Black property and…and Aro, Caius, and Marcus aren't far from tracking them down."

"We need a plan, otherwise we'll end up making mistakes or drawing attention," Carlisle said hurriedly.

"We need to get them away from the Black property first," Jasper said.

"I'll do it," I stated. "I'll draw them out of there, up to the field by the waterfall."

"Bella, no way," Edward said stubbornly. "Fighting with us is one thing. Using yourself as bait, and doing it alone?"

"You've all said I'm stronger than any of you at the moment. It's me that they seem to want. That means that it's me that will get them where we want them."

"You're stronger, sure, but this is the Volturi. I'm not willing to take chances with you when we have so many unknowns."

"Edward..." Carlisle began. Edward gave him a look I was sure could literally kill. "She's right. And we won't leave her completely - you know we'll be able to step in if she needs it. We'll be with her in the field for sure."

"I don't like it," Edward muttered. I squeezed his hand.

"There's no time not to like it, I'm afraid," Carlisle responded.

Alice and Jasper had moved to sit on the back porch, trying to draw more detail from her visions.

"Bella, does the name James mean anything to you?" Jasper asked down to us.

I focused on sifting through my foggy human memories with the name not striking any familiarity. I shook my head.

"It seems like that's the human's name. It's him, Bella. It's definitely who killed you."

"Have you got anything else?" Edward asked.

"Only that it seems he has a strong desire to become a vampire. That might have something to do with the connection to the Volturi."

"We have to move," Alice called down.

Everyone made a quick trip into the house to make sure they were equipped for fighting. Alice threw me a pair of decent boots, and Edward slipped me a beanie and bomber jacket. It wasn't as if I'd feel the cold that had encroached upon Forks, but at least I wouldn't look out of place to any unknowing eyes.

Edward and I had not had a last grand scene of farewell, nor did I plan one. To speak the word was to make it final… So we did not say our goodbyes, and we stayed very close to each other, always touching. Whatever end found us, it would not find us separated.

He was going to shadow me closely from the cover of the forest with Emmett. The rest of the Cullens would lie in wait up at the field. The plan was that no one but me would be in the open until the Volturi threat was real and present. I didn't know if I should be alarmed or proud that I didn't feel any nerves as we parted ways and ran through the trees to face our future. I knew that I shouldn't let naïveté get the best of me. That could be a fatal mistake.

"I'm right here with you," Edward whispered when we reached the location of our first move.

I left him with a fierce kiss and started walking the track that skirted Jacob's property.

As I broke through beside the house, my certainty wavered about whether I'd be able to get them away from there before the vampire lost his patience with James and did away with him on the spot. He was clearly frustrated and his temper was radiating.

"Aro said I wasn't to kill you until they arrived, but I've just about had enough of you and this fucking impenetrable house. I'll deal with the human kid later, after dinner."

"I'll kill him, I promise you. I don't know why we can't get in; I'm sorry!" James was far more cowardly than I remembered. Seemed he lost his knack when he wasn't the one in control. "Change me," he begged. "Change me now and then I'll be stronger to do the job."

"You're a fool. You didn't even get all the details on how this works before you agreed to this disaster of a plan, did you?"

"But you said your bosses would make me one of their henchmen…I want to be like you."

I couldn't believe the mess I was hearing.

"You're lucky I like a chase, James. I'll give you a head start."

"What…what do you mean?" His voice actually cracked.

"You're dinner, stupid. _Run_," he seethed.

James stumbled then headed toward the path from where I'd come. The vampire was going to do my job for me. James was heading right where I wanted him, and I hadn't even had to make a move. The only challenge now was skirting around the other vampire and hoping that my shield around the Blacks held.

I caught a glimpse of Edward and Emmett behind me, toying with James out of sight to keep him going in the right direction. Their flashes of movement revealed nothing to him and increased his fear tenfold. Edward caught up with me as I ran the final miles to the field.

"The other vamp is Demetri. He's a tracker so he meant what he said about wanting a chase. He's not following yet, but he will soon."

He left me as I moved into the open space to wait. James was slow, so I had about ten minutes alone of getting furious about what I had seen at Jacob's. He was at risk because of this scumbag human who thought he could play at the level of vampires. I had been killed and the Cullens' existence had been jeapordised because of his naïveté.

The figure that burst through the trees was whiter than my pale vampire skin. Colored by his fear, it was satisfying to see the roles reversed on my killer. The hunter had become the hunted.

I watched as he saw me standing there and a wave of relief flashed in his eyes. He expected a young woman standing in a field to mean safety; those who staked him out wouldn't hurt him in front of a civilian, surely – he'd get her to drive him to town where he could make his escape.

He came to a stop in front of me, panting from panic and exertion.

"Miss, you have no idea how pleased I am to see you. Do you have a car? I really need to get into town as soon as possible."

I smiled at him. He was more predictable now that my mind worked a hundred times faster than his did.

"You don't understand, miss." He was begging now. "They're going to kill me. _Please_, help me."

It was a challenge not to let my delight show.

"Oh, James. How naïve you are."

I removed the woollen beanie from my head, releasing my brunette hair in a wave. I didn't think he could get any whiter, but he looked like he'd seen a ghost. To his mind, I suppose he had.

He stared intently, trying to put two and two together. Finally his tiny glimpse of hope that I might be able to help him completely vanished.

"Isabella?" he said, clearly confused. He was looking at me through squinted eyes, frozen in place as he processed what my presence meant to him.

"That's right," I nodded.

"It can't be. You're _dead_."

"I suppose I am, technically."

"You look…different," he stammered.

"Immortality will do that to you," I replied.

"Im…mortality?"

"That's right."

"You're a…a…"

"Spit it out, James. Stammering is not becoming on you," I stated impatiently.

He looked like he was going to be sick as he shrank back from me in fear. I was happy about that. Afraid was the least he could be, after what he had done.

When he turned and ran in the opposite direction, he was faced with a problem for both of us. The vampire Edward had called Demetri finally made his reappearance.

James froze between us, not sure which way to turn, knowing that there wasn't an option where he wouldn't be outrun or outnumbered.

Demetri didn't seem sure where his focus should lie, on me or the human. As James attempted to move to my right, three figures stepped in his path, figures I could only assume were the Volturi leaders. Their rich burgundy capes and other-worldly faces held a regal air, and they emanated age and power. James collapsed to his knees. As the danger increased, I could feel the presence of Edward and the other Cullens skirting the woods behind me. I signalled with my hand toward the darkness for them to hold off. I knew it would be torture for Edward, but I had the family on my side with this plan.

"Demetri, I hope my eyes are not seeing what I think they are." One of them spoke. "It looks to me as though the human Edward Cullen was fraternizing with is now a vampire. That can't be right though, can it, James? Demetri?"

"James, James, James. What _have _you done?" one of them tsked.

"You unconquerable fool."

"You didn't kill the girl, and you lied to us."

"We were going to kill you simply because we were tired of you. Checking the girl was in fact dead was a mere formality. Now we'll have to kill you because you're _completely_ worthless."

I felt like an audience member to a play. I wondered for a moment whether my leaving would bother them, they were so wrapped up in their discussion and scolding.

"Why did we even entertain the idea of granting him his desire to become a vampire?"

"We had a job that needed doing by a certain type of fool…"

"Enough!" the one who had been silent shouted. "I'm done with this ridiculous mess. Caius, would you deal this blithering idiot please? And the girl too. I want this done, once and for all."

"Wait," the one they called Marcus spoke. "She's a vampire now. Do you think she might be useful?"

It was the first true attention they'd paid me. Caius sized me up, his eyes lingering like smog over my body.

"Marcus don't be ridiculous, no more stupid games and playing with toys."

I decided to try and stall them further, buying us more time.

"You really don't do any of your dirty work yourself, do you?" I asked the one who was clearly the leader. That must have been Aro.

"I like to watch," he smirked, interested that I was addressing him directly.

"What if you showed up here and were outnumbered? What then?"

"Oh Isabella, how misguided you are." He shook his head in pity at me. "I always travel with reinforcements."

"For what it's worth, so do I."

He looked excited by my challenging him, the thrill it lighting his eyes with his ridiculous grin. My words of confidence rattled in my stomach a little, a moment of worry that my supposed "shield" was a once-off fluke, and my family would be no match for career killers.

"You know what's wrong with this picture, Isabella?" He took a few circling steps toward me, eyeing me up. "Where's your little vampire boyfriend? He broke all the rules with you when you were human; where is he now? Did he fall out of love when you no longer had blood in your veins?"

I knew he was trying to taunt me when he went to make contact with my skin, though he didn't realize it was pointless. His position of power lasted momentarily. In the instant that he tried to brush a wiry hand down my cheek, I felt Edward move in next to me. My response to protect him was innate and unconscious as Aro flew back as though electrocuted and Edward was forced in behind me. I turned quickly to him to make sure I hadn't hurt him, too. He nodded to me as my eyes checked his face, moving to stand next to me as assurance.

That was when the game changed. James obviously saw an opportunity, because in a split second he was running again. His movements slow to my vampire eye, none of us moved to stop him. He'd travelled about a hundred yards when a flash of blonde hair whisked in front of his path, sending him reeling through the air and crashing into the ground. There was a shift in the air as the Volturi registered the obvious presence of the Cullens in our surroundings.

I had no idea how one could underestimate Emmett's burly frame, but James certainly did. I watched as he flung himself at Edward's brother, to which Em simply stuck out an arm and floored the guy. You couldn't miss the slip of James's face, the hesitation showing clearly when he realized perhaps he had miscalculated the mutual desire to destroy him.

When he managed to get to his feet again, he stumbled right into the path of Caius. The vampire reached for James's battered body, and with one swift movement, snapped his neck. I surprised myself by turning away in shock. Seeing my killer meet his end wasn't as satisfying as I had thought, even though Alice had seen enough about him to know that not even the fright he'd had today would have cured him of his callous genes.

It was then that Demetri made a move against Edward, as two new vampires appeared seemingly out of nowhere next to him in support. Demetri wasn't thrown back like Aro had been, but the three of them couldn't get near Edward where he stood beside me. An unspoken decision for the two covens to attempt to destroy each other seemed to have unfurled.

I had so much information coming at me from different directions as Carlisle and Esme made tracks toward Aro, Emmett and Rosalie toward Caius, and Jasper and Alice toward Marcus. With the Volturi minions now in the mix, the numbers were balancing out, and the threat to my family resounded instantly through my body.

"Don't!" Edward called to them. They diverted course, coming instead to join us.

It was split-seconds worth of information, and all of it would be stopped in the moment that Marcus reached for my throat but was instead flung backward as Aro had been, like a bolt of lightning had struck at his feet. Marcus looked up from where he landed as I suddenly had Caius and Aro's attention.

"ENOUGH!" Aro's distinctive bellow echoed across the field.

The Cullens repositioned themselves beside me as the Volturi and their guard looked on. There was silence for a moment as the field waited for Aro to continue. His demeanor had changed. Before he had looked bored. Now he looked a bit put out, or even pissed off.

"It seems Isabella has surprised us." Aro spoke as he shifted his eyes over me. "What are you, a shield?"

He didn't wait for an answer before an unhumorous cackle burst from him.

"The irony," he laughed. "The irony!"

Carlisle stepped forward, his presence as the Cullens' patriarch strong. His movement made me feel a stretch and pull through my body. I became aware that my shield almost felt like a malleable object within my mind. I focused in on it and felt Carlisle's presence within its hold. I could register each of the Cullens around me, and I used the feeling to make sure it wasn't just Edward and I who were protected.

The ground in front of us stirred up momentarily as it had done at Jacob's house. It was quicker this time, less obvious, and requiring no contact from me. Edward was looking at me with awe and fascination. The thought flashed that I couldn't wait to test more of the possibilities of this talent.

Aro, Marcus, and Caius looked to the ground and back to me. All eyes in their party were studying the new vampire with the talent they didn't seem to have come across before. Edward tensed beside me.

"Alec?" Aro called without turning. One of the smaller vampires who had tried to challenge Edward with Demetri responded from behind him.

"Nothing, sir. I can't get anything through."

Aro laughed again, but it was clear it was more out of disbelief than humor. Carlisle spoke up then.

"I think it's time for you to leave, and let us go on without trouble to you as we have for all of these years."

"See that's where you're mistaken, old friend. The Cullens have always pushed the boundaries of our kind. You pass yourselves off as humans, you feed alternatively, and you don't conform to our more preferred methods of living. Your grouping makes you strong, and your bizarre conventions make us skeptical of your intentions." Aro seemed a bit riled that Carlisle didn't realize all of this.

"We're a threat," Edward summarized.

"No my boy, never a threat. You simply need to be put in your place every once in a while."

"And you thought killing the human I loved would send that message?"

"She knew too much, and you had no intention of making her a vampire."

"But even when you discovered she was a vampire, you still wanted to be rid of her."

I could tell Aro wasn't impressed at having to discuss or justify. He looked impatient.

"Living like a human was one thing, attempting to live with one, with the threat of her learning the truth…that was something we couldn't tolerate. Your way of life is already unacceptable. You needed to learn that you couldn't have everything you wanted, not without us imparting some rules."

"Wouldn't it have been more effective to do the job yourselves, without using a pawn?"

"I admit it will be the last time I allow my brothers to do deals with…humans." A disgusted look passed over Aro's face. "I was intrigued at the idea of testing you and your sister's abilities."

"Can we agree now that the 'issue' you had with us has been removed? Bella being a human is no longer a threat to your existence. We have every intention of keeping control of the risks that come from living amongst humans, as we have always done. The only time that control has been threatened was when you interfered. You'd do well to remember that," Carlisle said strongly.

"You'd do well to remember who you're talking to, Carlisle."

"You don't need to assert your position with me, Aro. You know that I respect your role in our world. I think it has become clear, though, that you do not need to exert that over me or my family. Our intentions are sound, and we ask that you leave us be to ensure that intention is not threatened."

Aro glanced at me briefly.

"I think we are finished here." He made it sound like a decision rather than a retreat. "Be sure that I don't have need to return, won't you, Carlisle?"

Carlisle said nothing as a sense that Aro's threat was worthless came through in his words.

"It was…_charming_ to meet you, Isabella," he said to me with a filthy smile. "If you'd ever like to put your power to its full use, be sure to visit us in Italy. Maybe you could convince Edward and Alice to finally do the same."

When he saw his invitation wasn't going to get a rise out of me, he turned, and with a flick of his hand, gestured for the others to do the same.

They cleared the field without a glance back in our direction.

We looked at each other in disbelief, a few smiles cracking as the pressure lifted.

"Holy shit," Emmett laughed. "Talk about Queen B!"

"Is it really over?" I whispered to Edward.

His smile was huge.

"Yes. They've given up. Like all bullies, they're cowards underneath the swagger." He chuckled, almost disbelieving.

I noticed Carlisle and Esme still had a vice grip on each other's hand.

"Seriously, people. They're not coming back. Everybody can relax now," Alice said with a laugh to her parents.

"He won't be back for a long time," Edward said, looking at me. "It was very clear in his mind that he knew it was completely beyond his powers to get past Bella."

Emmett's grin was enormous, as if I was his own secret weapon. The rest of the Cullens looked a mix of relieved and proud. The idea that I had the ability to protect them indefinitely was overwhelming. I held a power that was beyond any of our imaginations.

Edward's hand against my cheek drew me back from the thoughts flooding my mind, as what had just happened blurred with what this might mean in the future. I rested my forehead against his and revelled in the moment. It felt like we were finally coming out the other side.

"Let's go home, my love," he whispered.

-x-x-x-


	26. Breath of Life

**A/N **It looks like there is one more chapter then an epilogue. Thank you to my lovely friends and readers who returned to this with me and reviewed. I truly appreciate it and always reply. Thank you to my beta Lisa for consistently reminding me how awesome you are. Enjoy x

Song: "On the Mend" by The Foo Fighters

**Breath of Life**

_One more day that I've survived_

_Another night alone_

_Pay no mind I'm doing fine_

_I'm breathing on my own_

_I'm here_

_And I'm on the mend_

_I'm here_

_And I'm on the mend my friend_

_Wake me when the hour arrives_

_Wake me with my name_

_See you somewhere down the line_

_We're tethered once again_

-x-x-x-

The week following our run in with the Volturi was relative bliss. There was calm, there was no fear, there was just Edward and me taking it day-by-day.

I had decided I needed to give myself some time to regroup and think before we made any more changes or decisions, not to mention try to relax into my new skin. We hunted with his family, and I spent some time playing around with my talent – something that still baffled me in its form and possibility. In place of sleep, we talked long into the nights, the family telling me vampire history, about the other covens, and more of the background to the Volturi. I had heard about each of the Cullens' stories from Edward, but I was looking forward to learning more from them personally over time. Time was something we had plenty of.

In the early morning after the Volturi had departed, we had returned to the house with a reflective happiness thick amongst us. Once the excitement had settled, there had been an unspoken need to be with our partners. I think the night had served as a reminder of what everyone had been through to be together and the power of the choice to live as the Cullens do. After the worry, the uncertainty, and then the confrontation, the relief was palpable. Edward and I had been silent after we retreated to his room. We had remained silent as our eyes fixed on one another as we undressed, then joined almost desperately in a grateful embrace. His mouth had found mine as we collapsed onto his bed, and each stroke of our union sang between us in passionate confirmation that we were together and alive.

As the dust settled further, the one thing that I couldn't prevent any longer from pressing on my mind was Charlie.

It wasn't that I thought of Renee any less. The peril of an overactive mind was that there was space to think of everyone all at once if I didn't control it. Edward told me I'd learn soon enough how to push things back and just be in the moment. It was already getting easier for me.

The feeling that there was more we could do for Charlie clung to me, more so than for Renee. She had Phil, and while that was no consolation for losing your only child, I knew that her partner would help her to move forward. When mom had left us when I was eight, Charlie lost one of his girls. It had always felt that way. Ten years later, I kept thinking over and over that now he's lost us both.

I couldn't do that to him; I couldn't.

The all too familiar visions of Charlie being alone in Forks with me suddenly plucked from his life returned. It had just been him and me for so much of the time. Coexisting in that little house, eating together at the diner, riding in his police cruiser, watching his football games on TV… I had been his companion. The part of my mind absorbed in thoughts of him basically felt like a stuck record. It hinted at the fact that I might never be fully at peace with my new life if I left without some kind of conclusion.

But knowing that was one thing; working out what the hell the solution was, wasn't going to be so simple.

I thought of how Jacob had taken the news when we broke it to him. I couldn't deny that it had been hard for him to grapple with the idea. Jacob had an advantage in his understanding that my father wouldn't have, given that his tribal histories held a strong belief in the presence of more "supernatural" beings. The most important thing to me, though, was that Jacob had said that it was easier to know that somewhere out there I was okay and living, even if it was in an entirely unfathomable way. Almost anything would be better than a life spent thinking I was dead.

The question plagued me: would that be best for Charlie, too?

I had to keep reevaluating to make sure I wasn't simply being selfish. I couldn't deny that I wanted my father near me, even one last time. If I had to say goodbye, I wanted to be able to do it face-to-face. In wanting that, I was making a huge decision on his behalf. I was exposing him to a reality that, while amazing to be a part of as a vampire, was not something regular people should even fathom. Not to mention the risk from the Volturi. I knew that would be one of the Cullens' first arguments. No doubt it was a very real risk that I had witnessed firsthand. They certainly didn't take lightly to vampires who broke from the norm and defied their obsession with secrecy.

There was a "what if" on that scenario as well, though. The "what if" was my shield. We would have to tell Charlie on a simply "need to know" basis, exposing him to very little of true vampiredom. Then there was also my potential to protect him by shielding his house as I had done with Jacob's. It wasn't foolproof from what we could tell with our rudimentary testing and talking further with Eleazar. The shield I carried with me was easier to understand and manage. What's more, it didn't seem to have any weaknesses at this point, and Eleazar knew that there certainly weren't any vampires in the Volturi guard at the moment who could breach it. That further supported what Edward had read in Aro's mind: they wouldn't be bothering us anytime soon. The shield that I had managed to leave behind was much more of an anomaly. There was debate as to whether it was fueled by my emotional and mental influence, and what effect that had on who or what it would let through its barrier.

My suggestion would be to put one around Charlie's house and see what happened. So long as it let through people he wanted there, then we could only hope it worked on those _we_ didn't want there if the time came. Needing to protect him outside of his house was something I didn't want to think about. We would simply be reliant on Alice foreseeing that threat.

The crux of it all seemed to be that, if the roles were reversed, I would want to know. I would want to know that while our lives couldn't be the same together, he was still okay, existing, and happy.

It was all of these thoughts that I rambled off to the Cullens when I finally decided I had to get it off my chest. The worst they could do was veto my ideas, but at least we would have aired it fully so I could find a way to let it go. My saving grace in all this was that Edward completed me so fully, if I couldn't leave everything from my life perfect, at least I had my perfect love.

I looked around the room at Edward's family. I was pleased that they seemed to truly be thinking about what I was asking. The room was quiet, and I was thankful to them for taking the time, rather than instantly delivering the same arguments.

"It's that question I need you to think about: if it was you and someone you loved, would you want to know? I'm not saying my thinking is right, or that it's rhetorical. I'm asking because I truly need you to weigh in on the pros and cons of this as if it were a fresh discussion. I want to know what you would want if you were human," I reiterated.

Of course, it wasn't as simple as that to their minds. They'd _never_ decided to tell anyone in all of their existence. Hell, they didn't even tell _me_, and I was in a very involved relationship with one of them. That was a pretty telling sign.

After a few silent minutes had passed, I looked to Edward. He had been very understanding about me still thrashing this out, rather than just letting it go. Deep down, he didn't see how any reveal was possible, or how it would be good for Charlie – or even for me – to go through that, yet he was willing to talk it out. He brushed his thumb against my hand, shifting his grip to thread his fingers through mine.

"Basically, they would all want to know, Bella," he said finally, telling me what he had been listening to. "You understand it's hard for us to put ourselves in that mindset. None of us had quite the same introduction to being a vampire or quite the same connection to our human life as you do."

"I guess it's easier for me to give the answer, because I've always put myself into a maternal role. If it were one of you I had lost as a mother, I would want to know you were okay. I still think there's more to it than that, and we should talk about some of the other things you mentioned for and against this," Esme added.

"I understand where you're coming from, I think," Rose said. "I was pretty happy with my human life, and I felt like I had left a lot behind until I got to know Emmett. Having all of that taken away was always something I struggled with, and I didn't even have the sort of relationship with my family that you had with Charlie. I guess that I agree that we should look on your situation as unique, without applying our standard theories to it."

It still often surprised me when Rose appeared as an ally. I gave her a small nod in thanks.

"Maybe it's time to do away with standard theories, anyway. Most of mine have been blown out of the water in the past few months as it is," Jasper said, shaking his head. "Bella's already outshone any newborn, ever. Don't get me started on adding her talent to that."

"She's amazing, right?" Edward smiled softly, my favorite casual smile that was just a dash of smug mixed with pure love. His hand rubbed up my thigh, and a gear clicked into place that had me wanting to save the debating for later.

There were a few seconds of silence before Rose spoke again.

"There's just so much to it, Bella. It's also not just you that you'd have to expose. You can't very well explain to him that you're now a vampire without also telling him that all of us are." She paused momentarily. "It's not that I have a problem with your dad knowing that about me, it's just that an en masse revelation like that? That could be pretty destructive."

I knew what she meant. Everything the Cullens had presented as a façade to the town of Forks was a lie, basically. Charlie had stood by while his daughter had dated someone who wasn't even technically alive. I was pretty sure his mind would take him down that path, and he would no doubt start blaming himself again and questioning everything he believes. I wondered if I was being too dramatic. Perhaps the buck would stop when his (dead) daughter was walking around in front of him.

"What if we don't have to go into that much detail? I'd rather we didn't have to use the word 'vampire' at all. We could simplify and even fabricate the story a little. Lord knows you guys must be good at that sort of thing by now?"

I hope they didn't take that as a dig, but the slight smiles and Emmett's laugh told me they hadn't.

"That's true." Emmett guffawed.

"If we were to tell him, I wondered if Jacob might be a key factor in it going more smoothly. He might be able to help Charlie understand, or support him beyond what we can do? He's a more neutral voice than the rest of us."

I'd already mentioned this to Edward. Knowing how he felt about Jacob in the past, I didn't want to throw him any curveballs. I was looking more to Carlisle and Alice now, mostly because they'd been silent so far.

"You want to involve him further than he already has been?" Esme asked.

"Well, like I said, Jacob's conclusion after we told him was similar to my current reasoning: he would rather know. He understood that he couldn't have a true connection with my life anymore but, for Charlie's sake, I think he could cope with contact with us one last time."

"Okay," Carlisle finally said. "My thinking is this: we can bring Charlie and Jacob over here. Bella stays hidden until we get a grasp on how things are going. We say as little as possible, but we get across the information that we saved Bella. However, we have to be clear that she is _not_ the same, and he won't have the same relationship that he had before. It will be like she doesn't exist, with the peace of mind that she isn't dead in the way he thought she was. As Bella said, need to know basis only."

"Alice?" I asked.

"About five minutes into the discussion, I could see that we were going to tell him. And…it will be okay, Bella. I think it will be okay." She smiled gently at the end, but I could tell she had some trepidation.

"Obviously I'll be able to help keep him calm enough to hear us out," Jasper offered. "If all else fails, we could always call on Eleazar's friend who has the ability to cloud recent memory, _Men in Black_ style." He gave an un-humorous laugh at the end. I was glad he was mostly kidding.

There was one other thing going on that needed to be considered. With some careful planning, an anonymous tip was going to be given which would lead the detectives from my case to a body. The body would be a match to prints found on my truck and to what Jacob could remember of my attacker. The Volturi had left James lying in the field for us to deal with, and this plan had been formulated over the past few days.

Charlie needed to know about me before that news was broken, causing him to shut down the last minute grain of hope.

-x-x-x-

I sent a text to Jacob to ask if he was okay to talk before calling him. I had to treat him with kid gloves in a way, taking care with what I said and keeping him at a distance. I didn't want to use him, but I also couldn't lead him on to thinking us talking would be a regular thing.

I explained to him carefully that I didn't expect him to do anything for us; he'd already done more than enough for me recently. I merely sounded him out on what he thought about the situation with Charlie. He practically offered to help, and I was indebted to Jacob once again.

Given the support he'd been drawing from both the Cullens and the Blacks, it wasn't hard for Esme to convince Charlie to join them for a casual dinner at the house the following night. It seemed to help him to be around people who had loved me almost as much as he had.

I positioned myself on the upstairs landing, where I could see down to the main stairs and living room. I wanted to be able to watch what happened, and my speed meant there was little risk of me being spotted before we wanted me to be.

There was a sloppy knock at the door just after 5:30 p.m., and I heard Carlisle welcome my dad inside with Jacob. They came into view as they ascended the last steps, and I flinched a little at the sight. The man that walked into the Cullen house that evening was not Charlie Swan.

It was not the Charlie Swan I'd seen when he came home from attending a bad traffic accident. It was not the Charlie Swan that I'd seen when his mother died. It was not the Charlie Swan that I'd seen when Renee left us when I was a little girl.

This was but a shadow of Charlie Swan, even from my memories of his lowest points.

I knew the community had stocked his fridge and freezer to last him at least a year, but his cheeks were still more drawn than when I'd last seen him. He looked more like the blood had been drained from him than I did, his skin sallow. His clothes hung off his body, his head drooped and lacked the strength and pride with which it used to sit on his shoulders. There was no life in his eyes, no sparkle that I had always loved. They were sad eyes, and I think that was the worst bit of all.

They gathered together in the living room, Esme handing Charlie a can of his favorite Vitamin R and Jacob a glass of Coke.

They talked somberly for a short time, before they ran out of general greetings and the subject would turn to the obvious. While many in town would skirt around the topic, they were in familiar company, and their common loss allowed them to speak more honestly.

"Charlie," Carlisle began, and I knew this was it. I felt for him. There was no easy way to begin what needed to be said, and I appreciated their shouldering the initial burden. I wished it could be me from the outset. Carlisle cleared his throat unnecessarily. "We wanted to talk to you about a few things tonight. Jacob included. It's… it's about Bella."

Charlie's brow furrowed and he scanned the faces in the room, ending at Jacob's as he started to speak.

"You don't live in the world you think you do, Charlie," Jacob said, angling himself toward the confused man on the couch. "There are some things going on in it that simply don't make sense. It's best not to try and have them make sense, either. It is what it is, and it's a need to know kind of thing. Most of which, we don't need to know."

I was amazed at how my childhood friend seemed to have grown recently, his words coming out with a wisdom and confidence about them.

"What do you know, Jacob?" Charlie asked, his voice dropping an octave to indicate he didn't want to be messed around when it came to the subject of his daughter.

"I know enough to be okay again, Charlie. That's all." His eyes were full of calm honesty, and I knew Charlie would see that. "This isn't a complete fix and a return to normalcy. It's… a bandage on the wound."

"Before we say any more, do you want us to stop?" Carlisle asked, clasping his fingers together. I was taking note of all the ways they managed to look human, knowing I may need to put the skills into practice shortly.

My dad looked confused and suspicious. Despite that, he seemed to process that it was a decision he shouldn't let that suspicion, or even just morbid curiosity, be a factor in.

"I want the bandage," Charlie said, studying Jacob's face.

"Okay," Jacob said, releasing a tense breath. "You have to remember to listen to the whole story, because the first announcement is going to make you want to freak out." He looked to Carlisle to take over again. Jasper shifted slightly closer to Charlie.

"Edward and Emmett found Bella's body." Charlie gasped painfully and grabbed hold of the couch, as Carlisle continued. "Her heart had stopped. The injuries she had suffered were such that no standard human medicine could have saved her; she was simply too far gone.

"I had access to a somewhat supernatural solution, which had the potential to work if it could get her heart to pump again. It's related to something that Jacob's ancestors have in their history, but it's not supported by modern medicine. I guess along the lines of assisted suicide, its antithesis is just as controversial. Well, more so, to be honest. So controversial that it's unheard of in everyday human life.

"Basically, in order for Bella to get better, she had to…change. The result of that is that she wouldn't be able to carry on with her regular life. I'm sure you can understand that the suspicions and questions around how she came to be again would be too much for detectives, doctors… for anyone to comprehend. You saw the crime scene, Charlie. We know they think she could only be dead."

I read on Charlie's face that he knew that to be the only likelihood, but Carlisle was the first to actually say it to him so bluntly.

"What do you mean, 'how she came to be again'?" Charlie asked, frustration and a slant of anger gripping his voice.

"She…to you and I, to us in this room only, Bella is here. We brought her back to life."

Eyes were shifting subtly to Edward and Alice, making sure Charlie wasn't about to lose his mind. He looked furiously at Carlisle before shaking his head, dropping his gaze to the floor. I wasn't sure what to make of it.

"I've seen her, Charlie," Jacob said, putting a hand carefully on Charlie's knee. "She wanted me to know that she was okay, and I didn't have to feel guilty anymore. I got my closure. I'm here tonight to help you get the same."

Charlie didn't say a thing. Edward, Alice, and Jasper looked to each other, determining how to progress from what each of them could read from my father. Edward looked up at me and gave me a small nod and a gentle smile.

I took each step carefully, molding my movements into a human-like execution. Charlie had his head in his hands. Once I stood next to where Edward and Carlisle were seated, I spoke carefully.

"Hi, Dad."

He gasped again and a small sob cracked from him. His eyes were moist when they finally managed to look up at me.

"Bells?"

He stood gingerly, assessing my appearance.

"Yeah."

"You're okay?

"I'm okay. I'm more than okay."

He took one step closer to me.

"I need to know wh-what happened, Bella," he stammered.

"I can't tell you that, Dad. Carlisle and Jacob have told you pretty much all you need to know."

He just stared at me for at least two minutes. I made sure to shift about and softly smile as much as I should, with Edward now clasping onto my hand in support. Finally he found his tongue.

"So you don't have a choice in this? As far as the world is concerned, Bella Swan no longer exists?"

I nodded, taking care to not make the gesture too fast.

"I was gone, Dad, really gone. I didn't exist." I didn't know what else to say to him, without saying too much. "I didn't get a choice on the highway, about how I would die. I couldn't save myself. If they hadn't happened upon me, that would have been the end of the story. Instead, Edward and Carlisle got to make a final choice on my behalf: to be gone forever so unnecessarily, or to come back in a different way and deal with the repercussions of that. It's in my hands now; I choose to live out my life this way, with Edward. And I choose to tell you, so that you know in your heart that somewhere out there, I'm okay. "

He processed what I had said before he spoke. I knew that the reality of me having been very much a goner would make my sudden presence more justifiable, no matter the method.

"The repercussions mean that I have to pretend that you're dead, knowing that you're not."

"It's different than before. I'm…different. That's all I can really say." I shrugged, hoping it would look natural. "You'll just have to trust that, for whatever reason, I'm all right. More than all right. Can you just believe that I'll tell you anything you need to know? Can you live with that?"

A tear slipped down Charlie's cheek, and he scrubbed his hands over his face promptly to cover it up. The eight sets of super-sensitive eyes in the room were never going to miss it. I closed the gap between us carefully, giving him the opportunity to feel my presence and support. Every time he looked at me, it was like he was seeing me for the first time. It was almost like Edward when he saw me, except Edward's was a look of reverence, and Charlie's was a look of perplexed shock.

"I still can't get over seeing you in front of me," he said, far quieter this time. "Every time I look at you, I just can't match it up in my head. If I ever saw you again, I thought it would be to ID a corpse at the morgue. Yet here you stand and, impossibly, you seem more beautiful than I ever remembered. It's _all_ impossible. Impossible."

His eyes fixed on mine without wavering for the first time, and he opened his arms slightly. I moved carefully to him, letting him embrace me before I wrapped my arms as softly as possible around him. He pulled back a little, and I knew I didn't feel quite right to him. Too hard, too… perfect. He resigned himself with another sigh and tucked against me again.

"I missed you, Bells."

"I missed you, too, Dad."

-x-x-x-

Esme managed to convince Charlie and Jacob to have some dinner. I still didn't know how they did it, but the Cullens managed to disguise their lack of eating so covertly. Fortunately, after the night of revelations, even the humans amongst us weren't particularly hungry. Keeping him around a little longer meant that we could really make sure Charlie's mind was reasonably at ease about this crazy situation.

"Charlie, just to reiterate that you and Jacob will be the only ones to know about this," Carlisle said as Charlie passed his plate to Alice to take to the kitchen.

He nodded out of acquiescence.

"I don't know what your thoughts are, but I don't feel like Renee should know about this. You and Jacob are already two people too many, but I feel better knowing you can share this between you," I added.

"Bells, if you were going to tell your mother, you wouldn't want to leave it any longer. It would only get harder for her to understand. But…but…oh, God." He rubbed his hands up his face and left them there, resting his elbows on his knees.

I looked to Edward with wide-eyed desperation. _What the hell is he thinking? Have I destroyed him by telling him this?_

He just shook his head gently and looked back to Charlie. I took that to mean that the situation in my father's mind wasn't too dire, yet.

Charlie took a deep breath.

"I understand why you don't think you can tell your mother. It wouldn't just be her, there's Phil to consider, too. He wouldn't comprehend her miraculous recovery from grief."

"That's what I thought," I agreed.

"So, no. I guess, don't tell her. I won't tell her."

I took his hand between us on the couch and gave it a squeeze. I'd been sitting on my palms in a weak attempt to make them ever so slightly warmer. He didn't flinch but it was probably more because he didn't want to think about the meaning behind my odd skin.

"Isn't there a game starting in five, Charlie?" Emmett asked casually, picking up the remote. My gratitude to this family reached a crescendo at that point. With no effort or pretense, Emmett managed to make things easier on my father.

As Alice returned from the kitchen with more Vitamin R and Coke, I settled further into the couch between Charlie and Edward as attention turned to the television. Emmett, Jacob and Charlie spent the game bantering between them easily, almost as though the previous hour hadn't occurred. Every so often I would be reminded that it had, when Charlie would turn his head to look at me, checking that I was still there. That this was still real.

In the weirdest way it felt like I had given him a breath of life. The color slowly returned to his face, his heart became more vital, not slugging along like it had been ripped out and replaced haphazardly.

Jacob suggested that he and Charlie get going not long after the game finished. He smiled at me in the shared knowledge that it was as hard for him to drag himself from the house as it was for Charlie to make the decision to.

Carlisle and Esme accompanied Edward and me downstairs to see them out.

"If you want to visit again while you come to terms with all of this, then give us a call. We're thinking that we'll take an extended holiday with Bella in a few weeks to let things settle for everyone," Esme said, rubbing Charlie's arm once in reassurance.

"So you're taking Bella on? Taking responsibility for this?"

"Of course," Esme smiled. "I love Bella like my own; we already considered her part of the family."

Charlie just nodded, a million more questions about how the Cullen family as a whole were involved in this mysterious medical miracle flashing in his eyes. I was glad he seemed to think "need to know" must encompass that as well.

I hugged Jacob lightly before he moved off the porch to wait by the cruiser. I felt everyone else shift discreetly back to give Charlie and me some space.

"I wondered if you could do me one favor?" I asked.

He turned toward me in the doorway. I pulled the small white envelope out from my back pocket.

"Could you send a letter that I've written to Mom? Perhaps tell her you found it addressed but unsent in my room?"

His eyes softened a little, like he was pleased I was doing something that might ease my mother's pain. It didn't reveal anything to her; all I wanted for her was to firmly know that my life couldn't have gotten much better and that I loved her. Just like I wanted for Charlie.

He looked at the envelope then back to me. He folded his lips in tightly, and I could see in the small lines of his face that he was trying to keep himself together again. I reached out to him and he gripped onto me tightly, my vampire body wishing it was even tighter.

"Charlie, for what it's worth, I love you more than you can possibly imagine, and I want you to be happy and know that I will be too."

"It's worth everything, kid. Everything."

-x-x-x-


	27. A Thousand Years

**A/N **Thank you to my wonderful beta, HollettLA.

A final note that Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. I have no idea how you get dreams like she had all those years ago, but I'm sure glad she acted on them.

Song: 'Thank You' by Chris Cornell (original by Led Zep) (And of course 'Turning Page' By Sleeping At Last and 'A Thousand Years' by Christina Perri)

**A Thousand Years**

_If the sun refused to shine,_

_I would still be loving you._

_If mountains crumbled to the sea,_

_There would still be you and me_

-x-x-x-

Eventually there were murmurings in the Forks community about whether they should organize some sort of memorial service for me. No one knew how to broach the idea with Charlie. Did a memorial service mean they had given up hope that I was alive, or did it just mean they were recognizing the horror and praying for an outcome? Finally Sue Clearwater had the courage to talk to Charlie about it. She didn't pity him like a lot of the women in the town. Familiar with loss after her husband was killed in a hunting accident, she supported him openly and wasn't shy about getting him to admit what he needed. Charlie told her he needed time. It was too soon. He knew my friends and teachers also needed to grieve and move on, but not until the ink had dried on the detective's paperwork.

Charlie understood it would be easier in the long run if he kept his distance from us somewhat. At the same time, I think he became more at ease with the idea that he was going to see more things that he wouldn't understand. Football watching with Emmett on the Cullens' big screen became an easy reason to visit every so often. I'd sit with him quietly, feeling his eyes glance my way and the occasional sigh of relief. It was his way of pinching himself to check he was awake, reminding himself of my presence. I tried to smile as much as possible to reassure him things were okay. I didn't have to try very hard.

I was finally happy, and I didn't feel guilty about it anymore. Never one to avoid a good emotional climate, Jasper gravitated toward my positive energy and we became strong friends. I was very grateful to him for his support and provocative words when I had first turned. Our mutual understanding united us. It wasn't just Jasper, though. My bonds with all of the Cullens had grown immensely. Through that, they seemed to genuinely enjoy time just sitting around with Charlie and me when he visited. I got the impression that they appreciated the simplicity of his manner and his relief at being around us, no matter who they were or what they were hiding. It was similar to what I remembered of them when I had been human.

It was a welcome feeling when contentment once again settled over the house. Some peace of mind and an element of closure did wonders for my ability to start moving on with my new life. I cannot go so far as to say it was easy to neglect the life I had once known, especially the people. I found that something develops naturally within you as a vampire that provides an acceptance of how things are: that what you had before will carry on for a time before eventually coming to an end, while you have no expiration date. That innate acceptance made things infinitely easier.

I should have known it would be like this, but nothing really prepared me. Once the tension and drama of my transition ceased, it shifted promptly to tension of a different kind. Putting it simply, Edward and I couldn't keep our hands off each other. The rest of the Cullens were forced to spend a lot of time out of the house, until we forced them back inside it by taking to the forest floor, against a tree, against Edward's Audi. That one dented the hood, so we decided to keep it to sturdier objects. I should have felt bad for isolating the rest of the family after all that they had done for me recently. Edward assured me they understood; they had all been newborns trying to harness new stamina once upon a time. They had all been in love.

A very, very small part of my head considered the interesting conundrum presented in this situation. I was never going to get tired, and neither was he. We didn't have to catch our breath or rest or eat or even use the bathroom; we had no more mundane human needs. He had the most beautiful, perfect body in the world and I had him all to myself, and it didn't feel like I was ever going to find a point where I would think, I've had enough for one day. I was always going to want more. And the day was never going to end. So, in such a situation, how would we ever stop?

For now, we didn't. The fact that I wanted sex more than blood made me stupidly joyful. Jasper was baffled that his past understanding of newborn vamps had all but been defied. Emmett was pleased I was finally giving him and Rosalie a run for their money in the newborn passion stakes, rather than being "tame and emo." The fact he was interested should have made me squirm, but his humor always got the better of me. I did have to put him in his place a couple of times though. He'd been ribbing me in front of Esme and Carlisle and, while they knew full well what was going on, I still looked at them like parents. He wouldn't shut up, so I took Edward by the hand and dragged him out of the room.

"Where you going, Bella? You going all prudish on me again?"

"No, Emmett," I called back. "Just realized we hadn't tried out your bedroom yet." Edward was laughing conspiratorially behind me. He'd do it _anywhere_ – another pleasant surprise that had come out of our now being equals.

I could practically hear Emmett thinking behind us as we headed down the hallway, before a spluttering noise followed us.

"Motherfuck… no fucking way, Bella Swan!" he yelled.

I laughed, trilling, and diverted to the front door. A trip to roll around in our meadow was in order. Edward pulled me into his chest before I could break off into a run. We collided with a laugh as he wrapped an arm around my butt, pulling me impossibly closer.

"I coveted you." His smile darkened. "I had no right to want you - but I reached out and took you anyway. And now look what's become of you! You're a vampire-cum-debaucherous seductress." He shook his head in mock horror.

"You love it."

"Damn straight, I do." He grinned, and it burned my insides.

There was something other than his usual shocking devotion in his eyes that I couldn't quite put my finger on. I kissed him quickly then pulled him with me.

"Come and let me seduce you some more in our meadow," I whispered.

Alice and Rosalie had been shopping for me when I was transitioning, knowing that the clothes that hung in my wardrobe at Charlie's would be off-limits. Whilst I wasn't normally a dress girl, they had purchased a few quite comfy sweater dresses and little skirts that were actually not bad and easy to run and hunt in. I had mostly been sticking to jeans and boots initially, but recent developments had influenced me somewhat…it was of course terribly convenient for me that when Edward finally got me pinned to the grass of the meadow, his hand could easily begin to trail up my bare skin to push the charcoal knit up to my hips. Terribly convenient.

"Pinned you again," he teased, looking down at me with a glint in his eyes.

"I'm letting you win now, you know that, right?"

His laugh made me beam.

"Any situation where I get to destroy another item of your lingerie is a win, Isabella."

There was a ferocity to the way he enunciated the syllables of my name, and I instantly wanted him to destroy me in all of the good ways. Beyond good. Obscene.

"I'd love you to destroy these ones." I took the lobe of his ear between my lips. "You know I'm not sold on this thong."

He groaned and it was the best sound in the world.

"I'm not sold on it either," he said, recovering. The noise of the fabric tearing at my hip was music to my ears.

His pants disappeared as he peppered his way up my body with kisses. No one can surprise you having public rendezvous when you're blessed with mind-reading, super-sensitive hearing and speed. It was a nice feeling, knowing we could do it whenever the mood struck. Which was often.

I had become so much better at giving the full attention of my busy mind just to Edward. Especially in these situations. It was blissful, absorbing every one of my hyper-senses in him.

The smooth stroke of his finger before he slipped it inside me. Every millimeter of him as he filled me. Every brush of skin, every tickle of movement, the vibration and sensation from every thrust.

The sight of his pecs rippling as he pressed himself above me with his arms. The flex of his muscles as he lowered himself close, taking my nipple between his lips. The cascade through his abdominals as he shifted his angle, thrusting into me.

The movement of his darkened pupils as they dilated in lust for me. Every one of his eyelashes when they hit his cheeks as he clenched his eyes closed in pleasure. The creases of his devilish smile before he captured my lips in his.

This time was going to be different, if I could make it work. I'd been practicing whenever I could, playing around with my capabilities and seeing what fun I could have with my talent. I had no idea if I knew my shield well enough to test this out yet. I knew that it responded to Edward on instinct, and I held hope that it would continue to respond to him at my will as well. When I felt his arousal starting to build and peak, I began to push out to him, moving my hands to the sides of his face to help my focus.

His gasp when he realized what was happening would stay with me forever.

"Bella," he whispered in shock. He closed his eyes to absorb the full visual, managing to keep us moving together at the same time.

I knew it was working then, so I concentrated even harder, dredging up the specific memories I'd wished I could share with him, letting them flood my mind, and hopefully his as well. Some of the memories were not clear—dim human memories, seen through weak eyes and heard through weak ears: the first time I'd seen his face...the way it felt when he'd held me in the meadow...I kept at bay any thoughts of what I had seen when I died. Now was not the time for that.

Then came the sharp memories, perfectly recalled: his face when I'd opened my eyes to my new life, to the endless dawn of immortality...that first kiss when I realized he was where I wanted to be...our first night together...my desire and my passion for him in all the times we had been together since.

His lips, suddenly fierce against mine, broke my concentration. With a gasp, I lost my grip on the struggling weight I was holding away from myself. It snapped back like stressed elastic, protecting my thoughts once again.

At the point my mind closed to him, his climax hit. The feel of his impassioned thrusts combined with the high of my successful sharing brought my own on, and he groaned as my release brought him further pleasure. We grasped each other tightly, reveling in the moment we were at our most united. When everything in the world made sense simply because we could feel what we were feeling with the person we loved. It was spectacular and reminded me, as it had all of the times before, why I couldn't get enough of Edward. Edward against me. Edward inside me. _All_ of it.

As the ripples within us finally subsided, both of us let out a small laugh of satisfaction and surprise. We enjoyed the moment for a minute before I spoke.

"I know I've said it before, but you've definitely been holding out on me," I accused, my eyes narrowing a tiny bit.

"Clearly you're the one who's been holding out on _me_!" He laughed, still radiant in the relief that it was all over—the fear, the pain, the uncertainties, the waiting, all of it behind us now. "As I said, it was sort of necessary at the time," he reminded me. "Now it's your turn to not break me." He laughed again. "Though I didn't realize you'd break me in a less physical way…that was amazing, Bella. Seeing your mind."

He stroked my hair away from my face gently.

"It's like I'm free to show you more of what I feel now. Some of the guilt in being happy with you seems to have lifted," I explained.

"I understand. In a way we were grieving for your parents' loss of you. It seemed wrong that I should get to have you so completely when they had had you taken away so horrifically. But, Bella, I want you to know that as selfish as it may sound, I would change you a million times over losing you for good. When I thought we had been too late, it was the worst hour of my life. There is no life for me without you. You go, I go."

He took in my face for a moment. I would never, ever grow tired of seeing what I saw in his eyes.

"I hope you can show me more often what goes on in that beautiful mind of yours."

I smiled softly and spoke the truest words that I had for him.

"Now you know. No one's ever loved anyone as much as I love you."

"I can think of one exception," he whispered against my mouth, kissing me with conviction.

There was nothing more that I could give to Edward to explain how completely I supported him. As hard as it had been, the sense that this was how my life was supposed to be was overwhelming. I had every day to _show_ him. Now I could do that with both my mind and with my body.

We weren't in a hurry to move afterward. I lay enjoying the feel of the sun when it cracked through the Forks' clouds, watching the soft sparkle emanating from the swell of my chest. Edward had redressed and pulled a pen from the back pocket of his pants and was now mindlessly entertaining himself by marking the skin around my hip. He held the pen lid carefully between his teeth, and watching it perch against his lip was surprisingly alluring. I hadn't bothered to look at what he was doing, but I could make out the impression lines to tell the difference between pictures and letters just from the sensation alone.

I forked my hands through his hair, twirling strands and stroking the tips of my fingers against his scalp. He let out a small moan as he shifted his penmanship to my thigh. I watched in high resolution as a bee pollinated a flower a couple of yards away. The sensation on my inner leg was distracting me.

"What are you up to down there, Michelangelo?" I laughed a little, lifting my head to look down at him.

His bashful smile encouraged me to sit up further.

"Is that the Cullen crest?" I asked quietly.

He nodded with a softer smile this time. He'd done a beautiful job of sketching the crest I recognized from his wristband onto my hip in fine black ink. It sat low on the side of my stomach, and I wondered briefly if vampire skin could be tattooed. I loved having his mark on me.

He slid his hand down my thigh to hitch my knee out, allowing me view of the beautiful script that decorated the crest of my inner leg.

_Be Mine_

I got a surprise as the human memory returned to me with relative clarity. Ice cream store; chocolate sauce; a napkin; important words. I slipped the pen from his fingers and pressed against his chest so he'd lie back on his elbows. Shifting his shirt up, I chose the side of his firm stomach to mark my own words in small cursive.

_I have __always__ been_ _yours_

I underlined then kissed over my statement, watching him as I shifted back so he could read it. He took his pen back and sat up so he was facing me at my side. His eyes were laden with unspoken words, desires and dreams, always so telling of his emotion.

"Bella, I can go on like this every single day, wanting nothing more than what I have now, if I could just fulfill one more dream."

He paused, finding his words.

"I never really imagined this would happen under these circumstances. I even wondered if it would ever be possible at all. But I couldn't have foreseen that I would have nearly lost you, fought beside you, and had you sitting here, in front of me, as radiant as you are as a vampire. I never imagined I would have…_experienced_ the things we have together, that I would have _had_ you in the ways that I have."

He was playing with my fingers while he spoke, the pen gracing my hand with careful, easy strokes. I had looked down momentarily to see he had mapped a tiny vine around my knuckles. I was now caught up in watching his lips as they formed beautiful words and his eyes as they looked at me softly.

"I have this incredible opportunity now, and I'm not going to wait a moment longer to grasp onto it with all that I am."

My hand was still draped over his; he lifted it slightly, admiring his work. I dropped my gaze from his face; he had linked up some more of his little leaves beside my index finger, but he had the rest of the design tilted toward him. Edward kissed against my knuckles before lowering our joined hands into my view. The chain led into a fine black line drawn around my ring finger. It was pretty, so intricate it almost looked like henna. I looked to Edward's face, soaking in the simplicity of this moment that was so reminiscent of when we first fell in love, yet so much more. He was so serene, his perfect contentment etching itself in my memory.

He put his pen down in the grass beside us before shifting in front of me, our hands still joined.

"Before your change, I once dreamed of being human again so I could do this, and do it the right way. I'm from a different era. If I had met you back then, I would have courted you, taken chaperoned strolls, and had iced tea on the porch. I may have stolen a kiss or two, but only after asking your father's permission. I would have gotten down on one knee and endeavored to secure your hand. I would have wanted you for eternity, even when the word didn't have the same connotations."

Something caught in my throat as Edward shifted to one knee. He spoke slowly, allowing every word to linger.

"Isabella Swan," he looked up at me through his impossibly long lashes, his eyes soft, but somehow still scorching, "I promise to love you, every moment of forever; would you do me the extraordinary honor of marrying me?"

My body was electric as his words found presence within and surged through me. I had no reason to doubt, to question, to worry about what people would say, or what the future would hold. The future only existed with Edward. I wouldn't have it any other way.

"Yes," I answered, conviction and happiness contained in the simple word that spoke so much more than its three letters.

His smile was divine as he stood and scooped me into his arms, twirling me in a circle then never letting go.

Edward's bliss matched my own, yet still his was totally contagious. I couldn't have enough of this happy man in front of me, now that we were through the battle of our lives. And his battle for _my_ life. I'll always appreciate what he gave me, now that I had the hindsight to know what that truly entailed.

He gave me the chance to fully experience the love of my life.

"I can't believe you'll finally be Mrs. Cullen. My wife," he whispered, kissing my neck as he continued to hold me in his arms.

The Cullens had made me part of their family from the beginning. The thought of being Mrs. Cullen, Bella Cullen, Edward's wife... it was completion.

"Can we consummate our engagement, fiancé?" I whispered against his earlobe as he drew me closer.

Edward groaned, an echo of an earlier moment. I would spend my life coaxing those favorite little pleasures from him.

"I think you're supposed to consummate the marriage, not the engagement." I felt him smile against my skin.

"That's a technicality. I don't deal in technicalities."

"No?"

"No. I deal in passion. Frivolity. Love…"

He laughed and quieted me with his lips against mine. His kiss was fearless. I pressed against him enough to collapse him backwards into the wild flowers.

"What's more," I continued once he let me, pressing our foreheads together, "in our relationship we consummate everything – birthdays, survival, commitment, engagement, marriage…"

"Is that so, Miss Swan?" he quipped.

"It _is_ so. I declare it my wifely prerogative to decide such matters," I smirked.

"If I knew the sorts of things you'd make your prerogative, I would have asked you to marry me sooner."

"I don't need a ring to empower such decisions. It's all just an instinctive part of being irrevocably in love with you."

"Speaking of rings…" he said, releasing me with one hand to reach underneath him into his back pocket. I started to realize this moment had been a little more planned than it seemed. "I have something for you." He held the most remarkable diamond I had ever seen between his thumb and forefinger.

It glistened. It put a lump in my throat. It was perfect.

"It was my grandmother's setting, but I had the center stone replaced to be more reflective of its new owner. I've had the diamond cut just so; the light strikes all the facets perfectly, but it's not too showy. It's completely blatant yet totally subtle in its beauty all at once. Just like..." He nodded to me with a smile.

I raised my eyebrows, shaking my head a little in disbelief.

He took my left hand, rubbing his thumb carefully over the dried ink of his drawing until he settled his touch on the black band that adorned my ring finger.

"This belongs here," he whispered, hovering the white gold over the tip before sliding it up to rest over his mark.

"I belong here," I whispered, placing my palms against his chest. "With you, always. I love you, Edward Cullen."

"Forever," he whispered, and it was imbued with _everything_.

"Forever," I replied.

-x-x-x-


	28. Epilogue

**A/N** Huge author note, please bear with me. I feel like I was such a fandom baby when I started this two years ago. I was so in awe of the amazing fanfic authors and so honored by any tiny interest this little fic received. Like any first story, I always wonder if I could do a better job if I was starting it now. But it is what it is – that first journey into writing and putting yourself out there. To those of you who have reached this point with me, I would like to sincerely thank you.

I will forget people I'm sure, but a special thank you must go to my Aussie girls (you know who you are) who support me no matter what, to those who were at the RAoR site for my first true "rec" and to all sites and blogs that mentioned this story. To the few who were with me from the start, I heart you.

To every single one of you who have hit follow, favorite, or took the time to review, you gave me such a buzz and I thank you for that.

Thanks to Jan for pre-reading some chapters and to ceruleanblue for beta'ing in the early days.

To elusivetwilight, without whom I never would have hit post on the first chapter: thank you for taking the time from your own writing to beta my work and support my novice writing skills (I miss you!)

And finally to Lisa, who joined me partway on this journey for which I was truly humbled. She is one of those who make this fandom great to be a part of. She shares her skills and time generously with so many authors, and I hope she knows how grateful both writers and readers are for that. She's a true gem.

Without further adieu, let's put Eighteen to bed. I hope you'll join me for my next story (AH angsty – pre-written with regular updates) and find me on twitter – landdownunda.

Kia Kaha, fandom.

Em xxx

Song: "Ghosts That We Knew" by Mumford & Sons

**Epilogue**

_You saw my pain, washed out in the rain_

_And broken glass, saw the blood run from my veins_

_But you saw no fault, no cracks in my heart_

_And you knelt beside my hope torn apart_

_But the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view_

_And we'll live a long life_

**-x-x-x-**

When I was eighteen, I died.

When I was eighteen, my best friend, my soul mate, my lover saved me, giving me an unfathomable gift of life.

I would be eighteen forever.

I married that extraordinary man in a simple ceremony in our meadow. My father got to have the moment he once thought had been stolen from him. He walked me down the aisle to hand me over to Edward in the last possible way. Though terribly cliché to describe it as so, it was simply the happiest day of my life. Shared with my father, my new family, and my one true love.

While I would live long past the days when my family and friends passed on, I would have the blessing of witnessing their children and their grandchildren as the generations continued. I think Charlie came to understand his daughter would outlive him in a way he couldn't comprehend, but that gave him an unexpected sense of peace. He had faced a parent's worst nightmare in losing a child; now there was some sort of miracle in that his baby would live beyond life itself. I tried not to see him too often, but it was hard to resist checking in once in a while. Sometimes I watched from afar, and other times he told his new partner Sue a white lie and visited me at home. He was okay, and for that I was grateful.

Charlie helped Renee as she came to terms with the loss of me. It was sad that they were reunited by grief, but I was thankful the divide between them caused by divorce was healed by the gratitude for the daughter they had shared. Charlie coped unbelievably well with the enormous secret he carried when he spoke to her. My mother was a fairly spiritual person, and her strong conviction that I was still with her kept her going to an impressive extent. I suppose it may have been helped by the fact I _was _still with her, little did she know.

When Jacob fell in love with Leah Clearwater, Edward told me that my old friend was comforted in knowing that I would be around to watch over his new family after he and his wife were gone. They would soon name their first daughter after Jacob's best friend who had died four years prior, and I would protect little Izzy Black as if she were my own.

And the Cullens? Together, as they had been for longer than any familial bond was ever intended. I couldn't have asked for a better family to support me, love me, and embrace me, as though I'd always been with them. I had a second mother and father, and irreplaceable siblings and friends.

As Edward and I sit in our meadow, he reaches for my hand and catches my gaze in his. With every look from him, I am reassured once again that if I spend every day for the next thousand years seeing that fresh adoration in his eyes, then it will be a life well-lived.

My time as a human was over. But I'd never felt more alive.

Loved, in love, and alive.

_Forever_.

-x-x-x-


End file.
